A Long Deserved Ketchup

The past four weeks I have been on the road.

I saw and went through so many things on this tour. I attended literally half of this tour, which in just half of those dates, that's still longer than any other tour that they or I have ever done before... so I can't imagine them working each day in and day out double what I have done.

I am so very proud of them. My heart is completely full.

So much has happened... so much changed (for the better and the worse) on this tour... but I wouldn't have changed any of it. It panned out perfectly in the end.

I caught the first two shows of the tour back in June up in Cincinnati and Indianapolis. My photos from the Indianapolis shows are now present as the 100 Monkeys photo on their official Wikipedia page and on Jackson's official Wikipedia page. *pause for insanity* ...that's insane, right?

From there I went back to Houston and enjoyed my final time with Liz, whom I had been staying with since the beginning of the year. When I picked up the tour again, I wouldn't be coming back.

Mid-July I went down to Florida to pick up the tour again... Tampa, Orlando, Ft. Lauderdale with a friend - then I met Jennifer up again in Birmingham, New Orleans (where I got Bourbon faced on Shit street... never again... ugh.), Houston, Dallas (where I left the Roaddog with my step mom, who still has her...), Austin (where it was 1000 degrees in the shade...), Tulsa, St. Louis, Kansas City...

I paused in Kansas City and missed the next three shows (from what I heard I didn't miss a whole lot...) so I could spend some time with my Mama... from KC I caught the next ones in Seattle, Spokane, Portland (best run yet), San Francisco (which I attended entirely alone), LA (I had a day off here that I spent alone, as well. It was interesting... this is also where Jennifer re-joined the tour), Las Vegas (another 1000 degree day in the shade...), Anaheim and then we all ended the tour in San Diego.

Of course there were snags here and there - that happens with life and of course that's going to happen when you're traveling and when you're working... but for the most part it was a very positive experience. I don't hold any bad memories with anything. (Except for perhaps NOLA... which was my own damn fault...)

I met some amazing people out this time! So many wonderful people brought me little tokens and things, which was completely amazing and so appreciated! I got several memory cards from people, Golden Flake chips, balloon animals and a DVD, a Best Buy gift card, some people bought me drinks and I got an obscene amount of HUGS!!!! <3 I am so grateful for each of you that took the time to come and say hello, talk to me and give me hugs and smiles. Y'all made it so amazing.

Unfortunately I don't have photos ready to offer up to y'all. I have a few... but I managed to fill up each of my memory cards AND my computer while on the road... so I can't do much until I can afford an external hard drive here in a couple weeks or so. (I'm putting that Best Buy gift card towards it!)

The Florida shows were pretty awesome... I have some great memories from Orlando and I finally got to see that ocean in person. I never had before...

Birmingham is always a good time - that's where a fan brought me an obscene amount of Golden Flake chips and a tour survival kit! <3 ...I have been to the past two shows that 100 Monkeys played at the Workplay theatre and so there was no way that I was going to miss them there this time around. It was so much fun...

I was so happy to get back to Kansas City. I know that I said I was so anxious to leave that town - but after being gone from it for a YEAR I was so happy to see my mother and those streets again. I introduced my mama to the band and she shot the show from the front row with me...

Check out my Mama's photos of 100 Monkeys here! She really enjoyed the show and the guys!

The Pacific Northwest was amazing. I caught up with my friend Kenzie there who lives in Portland and she was so hospitable!! <3 We had a blast in Seattle... it was the first time that I actually explored a city on my day off. We went to the first Starbucks, Pike's Market, the Space Needle and Viretta (Kurt Cobain) park.

For anyone who knows me a tad, knows that I love Nirvana and Kurt Cobain... it was completely emotional and wonderful. I was so moved by it and I felt entirely blessed that I was able to experience it.

The end of the tour was insane... I didn't cry as much as I had imagined, so many laughs were had and a multitude of memories were made. I'll never forget this...

Something that I have taken away from each show/most memorable about the city:

Cincinnati: "You shut up."
Indianapolis: Telling so many people about Spencer Bell.
Tampa: Seeing Bleeding Horse Express for the first time.
Orlando: The tallest stage I have ever encountered.
Ft. Lauderdale: Partying with Cassandra.
Birmingham: "You dance!"
NOLA: "It's so hot..."
Houston: Handcuffs. :)
Dallas: Getting the best email of my life.
Austin: Chain smoking in 110 degree weather.
Tulsa: You see... what had happened was...
St. Louis: Homeless people with records; 40 oz beers; spinning
Kansas City: Introducing my mama to the band!
Seattle: Seeing Kurt Cobain park. <3
Spokane: Being the only one in the photo pit. (That also happened in NOLA & Texas.)
Portland: Dancing harder than I ever have before at a 100 Monkeys show!!
San Francisco: Conversations about death and pants.
LA: BALLOONS!
Las Vegas: Watching the boys zipline across Fremont.
Anaheim: Some people have your back and some want to stab it.
San Diego: Thoroughly getting to say goodbye. <3

Where did I leave that Delorean? I'm ready to do it all over again.

The Camera's Lying

"You can't turn back because this road is all you'll ever have..."




I refuse to count how many days it's been since tour ended. I don't think it would help me to know. Fortunately, I've been keeping myself very busy booking massive photoshoots (WIN!) and trying to get prints and proofs sent off to those who had photoshoots with me on tour, have ordered or won prints. Busy, busy.

It's only January and I'm already crunching about summer. That's all I can say about that.

Netflix did the worst possible thing to me: they uploaded ALL of Desperate Housewives on watch instantly. Bastards.

There's so much to do and not enough credit or cash to do it all. I assume this is a problem for most people in America. As you may (or may not) know, The Rockvan just did it's last tour. We must buy a new car (by car I mean something big enough to tour in...) before we hit the road with the boys again. Also, I need a new camera... also, I need to get my weight in check before touring again... also... also... also... the list will never end and can only grow. There's never going to be enough time, money or space to fit everything in. Plus, I'm not a very organized person.

So... then there's that.

I got my photo taken recently. I haven't modeled since 2007 and I forgot my biggest flaw about me being in front of the camera: I always forget to breathe.

I do think that part of what makes me a decent photographer is that I have worked as a model, therefore, I know what it's like to have that lens in your face snapping up your soul and all of your flaws. Now, I'll remember to tell my models to breathe.

I've been characteristically depressed for the past few days. I don't expect anyone to understand and I am not saying that no one out there understands. But, to each person I have told that I am depressed they answered back with the worst response ever; "why?"

Why?

Why?

Why? Because I have a chemical imbalance, that's why. Why? Because I left my heart in San Antonio. Why? Because I have three men in my life when all I want is the one. Why? Because that's more complicated than anyone will ever realize. Why? Because. I. Am.

Instead of asking me why... instead of assuming because I am successful that that should equal happiness... instead of judging me... how about if I open myself up to you, you simply say, "I am listening."

Photo of the Day:

Jay with Bella. ATL. December 26. He adores her. I adore that about him. :)

Wicked Little Things

"Now that we're all fat and happy, 

We'll be made into pies..." 

I had a bad day today. I'm frustrated with entirely too much and it's all building up in me. Of course, I can't actually say what's really bothering me for fear that those who it affects will read it. It's not something that should be brought to their attention via blog, you know? I owe them more than that.

Regardless, when I'm out of control, I fight to control what I can in my life. Today it was an X-Acto knife, antihistamines and Miller Light. Those are three things that I can control in my life. So I controlled them.

Those that know me know that Benedryl knocks me the fuck out. So a few of those + the 2 beers I had and I was passed out within an hour or so... slept like a rock while Twister played in the background. It was a good sleep. I needed it.

Upon waking everything is still the same, however. I haven't said the things to the people that I need to, but it did make me feel better to temporarily put the world on hold.

Control is a funny thing. There are some areas in my life where I absolutely must have control...  There are some things that I know I'll never get control over...  There are some things that I don't even want control over... It's crazy - the lines are blurred on where all of those things stand.

I can only hope that tomorrow is a better day... but then again - tomorrow is already a better day because it's finally the 14th... :)

Photo of the day:

When I Grow Up...

Second blog for the day. I may as well do it if the urge strikes me, right? (That's what she said.)

I can't remember all the things that I wanted to be when I was a kid. I can't remember my dreams of wanting to be a flight attendant, teacher or a princess.

I remember in kindergarten that choir was mandatory and I was the only girl in class that looked forward to it. I remember hearing Whitney Houston's Bodygaurd soundtrack and I remember singing right into the speaker, emulating her... aching to do that... sing.

I didn't realize that it could actually be a career -- that you could potentially make your living off of singing. But from then on all I ever wanted to do was sing.

Around the time I was seven or so I started modeling. As I've mentioned before, my mother is a photographer and so it was a simple transition/decision.

Of course, as I've mentioned before on other blogs and mediums, I wish that when I was that age that someone would have encouraged a healthy lifestyle for me. I wish that they would have told me just because I was the tallest girl in the class didn't mean that I was fat. Everyone in school called me fat... and thus, I became what it was that they saw of me.

If I could have made it through my teenage years without being fat then I could have continued with a successful modeling career... but... everything happens for a reason, right?

Now... I'm behind the camera versus in front of it.

Photography wasn't one of the things that I dreamed of doing when I was a child... but I suppose we rarely get our dreams. I did however, have a short lived music career and now I'm happy to be in a band with my best friend Micky called The Oh Noz!, it makes me so happy to be getting musically creative again. They say that a photo is worth a thousand words, but I think where you can't get something across in photography you can get across in music and vice versa.

What was it that you wanted to be as a child? What stopped you? Why aren't you going for your dreams now?