Blatantly Honest: My Weight

Thomas Jefferson said, "Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today." I think at one point, we all regret never listing to this wonderful piece of advice. For me, it's been the last decade.

It's no secret that my weight has been a constant issue with me for almost as long as I can remember. I was a thin child (in hindsight), but I was made fun of for being "fat", probably because I was taller than the rest of the children in my class.

I participated in sports (gymnastics, swimming competitions, roller skating, biking, running) and I was constantly outside every day growing up. Yet, I was called "fat" by my peers. I had issues with food starting at a young age, as well. (To which, I cannot discuss my childhood food issues in a public venue such as this, but I will discuss my latter issues.)

If you call someone 'stupid' long enough, they will believe it. I became fat because I believed I already was. Children are hateful and cruel.

I've blocked out a good portion of my life, but I can recall the first time that I ever starved myself.

I was 13 and now living in Kansas City with my mother. I had just been clinically diagnosed with ADHD and depression and I was the biggest girl in my dance class. I don't remember how, but from 5th grade in the small town of Wamego, Kansas to 6th grade in the big city of Kansas City - I gained weight. I don't know how much weight, I don't even properly recall sizes, but I got big. (I was a size 13 in 6th grade, that much I do recall - but I don't know what I was in 5th grade.)

I put Post-It notes on all the food that I wanted to eat to remind myself not to eat it. My mother told me that starving myself wouldn't make me lose weight and that I needed to eat healthy foods.

I also recall that one time I was riding my bike around the lake where I lived when a boy shouted out, "exercise won't help!" ...I told my mother of this and she gently corrected me, "exercise WILL help."

Irony is something that I've always been a fan of. I get tickled when it happens to me in every day life... though, it's not as funny, though still ironic that at 13 years old and a size 13 I was trying to lose weight because I was perceived to be "heavy". Now, here I am 26 years old and I would chop off my left leg if I thought it would help me fit into a size 13.

Ironic.

It's funny how you never see something clearly until you look back at it from a distance.

This photo was taken freshman year of high school (1999) in October right before the homecoming dance. I was so self conscious. Here I thought I would look like a cow compared to my beautiful friend sitting next to me, and in hindsight I realize that I was, in fact, smaller than her. This was a size 12 and I was 5'5. I weighed just under 200lbs.

Just a few months later I met who would be my best friend in the entire world, Jennifer.

This photo was taken February 1, 2000 -- just 5 months after the previous photo. Still 5'5, I now weighed exactly 200lbs and I was about a size 14.

When friends would ask me how much I weighed I would lie and tell them 160. They believed me.

November 24, 2000. 5'6. Weight aprox 210. Size 15. (Yes, those are pleather pants. This was also the first trip that started my love and need for travel; Las Vegas.)

Late July 2002. Age 17. 5'7. Weight 220lbs. Size 20.

2002 is when it all started to get very serious. I went through many life changing events that year. I became very depressed. I started to self-harm. I fought with myself constantly. Binging. Binging. Fasting. Binging. Purging. Fasting. This was the year that the self-destruction began.

2003 was the first year that I lived alone... I was 18 and partying every night of the week. When I look back at that year, I'm honestly surprised that I made it out alive.

2004 is when the self-harming and under-eating were at their peak. I was working for Kansas City's biggest radio station and most popular jock - I was under constant pressure and I was unraveling.

There are not many photos from 2003-2006. It was a very, very dark time for me. I hit my highest weight of 310 in 2005. I was the epitome of spiraling out of control... no one could save me, or even wanted to. I don't think anyone truly knew that there was a problem... and if they did... they didn't want to help.

6 months vegetarian/under-eating regularly with frequent binges. Self-harming under pressure. Self-medicating. May 21, 2007. Weight 290. Size 24.

2007 was hell. I was flown out to Los Angeles to record my first "pop" album from the record label in Kansas City that I was signed to. The short story: the producer was a fucked up individual. I ended up with nothing to show from the trip but a scar on my arm to remind me never to trust again. And also, to never sign to another record label.

October, 2008. Height 5'8, 285lbs, size 22.

My life started to turn around for the better in fall of 2008. Though I was nowhere near my goal weight, I finally got the binging and purging under control, the self-medicating and the self-harming was down to a minimum and I was just really getting into my photography.

The next couple years I went through a bit of a coma. I didn't really binge or purge... I didn't really fast or count calories... I just sort of maintained sub consciously. I was too busy thinking about other things (photography, 100 Monkeys, travel, etc) to really put hardcore effort into losing weight. Sure, it's something that is on my mind each day of my life, but I didn't not lose or gain a substantial amount from 2008-2010 to really make note of it.

Early January 2011, 5'8, 265lbs, size 20.

This photo was taken the last day of the winter tour with 100 Monkeys. 8 shows in 8 days and I lost 15lbs.

I'm now into my weight loss and I've lost a total thus far of 19lbs since leaving Las Vegas on September 2nd. I'm attempting to document the process (which shouldn't be hard since I'm a photographer... hah), and I'll be happy to share the photos once I pass that phase of it and move onto the next.

I have a weight loss goal set for myself to meet each week - thus far I am TWO full pounds ahead of schedule as today was my first "weigh in". :)

I only hope that I can keep this up and meet my ultimate goal weight. (Do not ask - I will not share as of right now.)

I am not ashamed of my weight or sharing these bits of information with you. I am ashamed of how I perceive my body and I am ashamed of how it makes me feel about myself. I am ashamed that I was a child model and that I let myself get to this point. I am ashamed that I had no self control.

I know that each girl (and more guys than will admit) have problems with their weight. Some people handle it the healthy way by cutting out 500 calories and walking a mile each night. Some people handle it by what the disorders in their head tell them to do. We cannot change each other or the way that others think. We cannot change what others think of us and the way that we choose to do things. We can, however, change how others see us.

If you're happy with yourself and your weight just the way you are - then own it and be proud of it, baby! If you want to lose 5lbs or even 100... it all starts with a single step and knowing that you're not alone...

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today...

What's your weight story?

Slacker

I was actually listening to The Oh Noz! when I started writing this blog, so I thought that the icon was more than appropriate for today's blog.

The Oh Noz! (my band for the stalkers that follow me from my previous life...) were actually just mentioned in a 100 Monkeys interview. Pretty flippin' sweet, if you ask me.

PZO: What’s a common compliment people give you as a band and individually?
Jackson: “We love your live show.” It’s always amazing, you know, after the show we see people and they tell us how much they had an amazing time and how they met a new best friend of theirs or I think one of the best compliments we ever received was a CD from a fan who had been inspired by us to form her own band and that was a huge compliment right there.
Ben G: The Oh Noz!. 
(laughter)
PZO: That’s what they’re called?
Ben G: Yeah, N-O-Z.


Flippin'. Sweet. I don't hate that little thing right there. :) Do not hate at all.

Micky and I actually gave Ben an Oh Noz! shirt to wear in Dallas... he was going to wear it on stage... but... then he got high. (Or something.)

This was at our last performance... February 1st we went on right before Mechanical People at the show... Ben introduced us before the show and then after the performance (which was rocky in places due to the amount of Jameson we ingested) he hopped up on stage and said "give it up for The Oh Noz!" ...we definitely loved that. :)

I think I have now missed TWO days of blogging... but... at least I am still making it over to this blog more often than I was before. See... I'm trying.

I missed the other day because I was away from my computer all day again... I missed yesterday because I was stalking the mailman.

I have been not-so-patiently awaiting the mailman to bring my hCG drops so that I could finally start my new diet. They finally came yesterday about 2 or so and after taking them and then eating on them for the first time I got very tired and lethargic, which I believe is actually the opposite of what is supposed to happen on them... so... I hope that I don't have a backwards reaction to this crap as well. (Like Red Bull makes me tired.)

I actually started a new blog just for this "diet"... I will give you all the web address at the end of the 30 days. (Actually, I will need to go longer than 30 days in order to lose all the weight that I'm aiming for... this first cycle I'm going 43 days, which is the most that you're allowed to do... then I have to wait 6 weeks and then I can start another 43 days... we'll see how it all goes down.)

I'm pretty excited for this... those who have read my blog for a long time (or who have gone back in my blog to read old entries) know how excited I get to start new things. I get very motivated. Of course, when things don't show me the progress that I want or need I get very discouraged... I am going to try to push through that this time. I definitely have focus for this one. I see the goal that I want to obtain and now I'll try my hardest to reach it.

I had some very vivid and disturbing dreams last night. I'm a lucid dreamer, for the newbies who read this... and at times my dreams are almost too real and too much to take. Of course, there are times when that is a plus... when I'm being kissed or held I can actually taste the persons lips; I can actually feel their arms around me. That doesn't suck. :)

Last night was somewhere between evil and heaven.

I was in a hotel and every time I turned on the water and looked away blood rushed out onto my hands... the people around me could see the blood come from the faucet, but by the time that I would turn around to see it, it would go back to water. There were a few other little incidents that were scary like that... seeing things... feeling things that weren't there... I can't remember them all the way now that I've been up for a few hours... but... yeah.

Picture of the Day:

(PS... that kissing/holding thing happened in my dream last night... it got me through the grossness of touching blood.)

The Changes That Go 'Round

"Do you love me babe? What do you say?

Do you love me babe? What can I say?"

It's been a long while.

I always feel bad and end up apologizing after I haven't been around for a while... I'm too nice.

I just got back from SBL ATX and two Mechanical People shows... to which, now I am bruised and still exhausted. Honestly, I'm scared for tour. Though, this tour will hopefully be easier than the others because I'm trying to lose a good chunk of weight before it starts.

My weight is something that I've battled for so many years. Believe it or not, I was once underweight. Now, of course, it's no secret and I don't hide the fact that I am overweight. (I also know that's an understatement, however, I hate the other word...)

Fortunately I have good people around me who are always willing to either help me lose weight, try to motivate me or to just offer their love and support to me no matter what size I am.

While on the road I always end up losing a ton, which makes me happy. I just plain don't have time to eat and since I'm always on the go I burn a lot of calories... on the last tour I lost 15lb in 8 days. That didn't suck. I tried to keep it off - and I did for a while - but I got depressed and my weight ballooned again.

Regardless... I'm excited to start this new venture towards weight-loss. I *was* trying to get Lap-Band for the longest time, but unfortunately that just doesn't seem like it's going to happen. I'll try a few more things before I go rob a bank to save my life. (No credit = no Lap-Band for me.)

Right before I start new weight-loss things I always end up yapping about them tons. I just get overly excited for everything and all the brand new possibilities... No harm in being excited, right? ;)

Have you had a problem with your weight? What has worked/not worked for you? How do you cope with it? How does it make you feel?

Please respond. I would love to hear from you. :)

Noticed

"I pity the fool that falls in love with you..." 

This will hopefully be a good month. I got a bunch of ducks lined up in a row... I guess that means I need to get out my pistol then... isn't that how I win the giant ass panda?

I get to see some friends, some boys, hear some good live music... I am looking forward to most of it. :) There will be a few things and key ingredients missing from the festivities, but... I'll manage.

Tomorrow I'm going out to buy a pair of heels.

Very specific reasoning, but I actually haven't worn heels in nearly 2 years. Why am I changing that now? I just bought a corset and the way that I first want to wear it didn't seem very "Converse".

I used to live in heels... I've gone back and forth about them for many, many years. The reason I stopped wearing them was because I was self-conscious of my height. (It makes me feel... weird... to be taller than some men...) I went through a period where that didn't matter to me and I lived in them. I used to go to the grocery store in them... everything.. all the time.

When I moved from Kansas City I took three pairs of shoes with me. I'm a simple girl now... but Micky bought me a dress for Christmas, one that requires heels and then I started looking for new ones again... so now that I'm going heels shopping tomorrow I'll be able to have more options from my closet. :)

A bit of travel at the end of this month. First Austin in like, 12 days to go see Mechanical People... turn around and come back to Houston and then turn around and go back to Austin for the SBL show on the 26th. From there we're going to Dallas to see Mechanical People again...

That's the one I'm looking forward to... even though it'll be another "goodbye" until I see those boys again at the beginning of May, I'm excited to see my step mom.

I haven't seen my step mom since... maybe July of last year...? If my memory serves me right. I only saw my dad once or so last year... meanwhile... don't make me put the number of times I saw my boys up. That would be bad.

What's terrible is that I keep in correspondence with those boys better than I do with my family. I feel guilty about it sometimes... but then... it's a two way street.

My step mom did seem excited about my book, though... that makes me very happy. I'm excited to receive it. Should be another week. I heard that they're being "processed and printed" right now.

Maybe tomorrow I can also look into getting my new tattoo... :) That could be fun. I have to find a new place here in Houston for ink. I hate finding new places... unfortunately, none of my Houston friends have tattoos. :-/

I'm trying to talk my step mom into coming to the Dallas show. That could be a lot of fun for us. I tried to explain Mechanical People to her... "it's got two people from the Stevedores in it... you remember the Stevedores, right? That one CD I gave you? Yeah. It's got their drummer and guitarist in it. It's amazing. You'll love them."

April will be good... but y'all don't want to hear about that.

May. Lord... here we go again. My plans are already starting to overlap. So... yay...? At least I'll be busy. May until... who knows when... The rest of my year is stuffed full of plans...

I'm ready to get moving, but so many things are holding me back.

[Insert Clever Title Here]

"if ever we should meet on your side of the stereo, 
I will pretend I know not of your thoughts, 
And even the way that they mirror my own..." 

Busy, busy... Yesterday was something else. My Mama came and picked me up so that we could go back to her house and I could help her build a website for Pam's business... first though we went to Panera. I was good. :) I had a Greek salad and water. I seriously debated for a long time if I should just say "fuck it" and get a sandwich. God, I love their bread...

After that we went to this gym they were thinking about opening and we got the tour, got to swim (I did laps) and then we hot tubbed and enjoyed the stream room and the sauna...

They decided to join the gym and they put me down on their family thingy. :D Yay! Now I get to go spend hella time at the gym. I live for pools, saunas... steam rooms are the best.

After that we went to the grocery store to pick up something for dinner, my Mama was being awfully helpful when I told her that I was doing the no-carbs thing... we both got salads and when I picked up 2 packets of dressing she corrected me and told me to just get one. That was a good moment. :) She saved me from unnecessary calories.

We watched Nanny McPhee, which was... interesting, I suppose. Wasn't the greatest movie. Then again, I'm not 8.

Later on my Mama gave me some of the clothes that she "un-grew". Both her and Pam have lost a lot of weight and so I made out like a bandit! XD I got an entire sack full of 'new' clothes from my Mama including some really awesome lounge pants, a pair of super cute pin stripe pants, a sexsi pair of black jeans and a 2 sweaters that are sooo awesome.

(Some of the clothes fit me, some are a little too tight and some don't fit right now - but that's what the gym is for, right?)

My Mama and I used to fight so hard on clothes. She used to dress just basically ridiculous and then hated everything I wore and I guess as we both got older our tastes seemed to blend. I've calmed down some in my clothing choices and she's gone more mainstream... somehow we met in the middle.

I spent the night at her house last night and I guess I've been up for almost 3 hours now... we haven't done anything, she's been working on the website all day... she said she would cut my hair though. I hope that still happens. I haven't had a haircut since November 2008. Literally. That was when I chopped it all off and it was boy short... I haven't even had it trimmed since then. (I've trimmed my own bangs.) I'm hoping to get my hair back to a healthy state so that I can grow it out.

Hair is weird... I mean, you don't just have this endless supply of hair inside your skull, yet it just melds to the hair that's already there... man, that's insane.

Picture of the Day:

Uhhh...

*searches forever*

Marty Party. Doesn't he look thrilled?

Bang, Bang

"And it's okay to eat fish, cuz they don't have any feelings..." 

I started writing something a few days ago when I was at Starbucks. I think I shall finish writing that and then post it here...

*goes off to write*

Things to do Before May, a short essay.

By Jodie Platz

As I sit here at my local Starbucks, perturbed, I drink my Venti Iced Coffee. (Sweetened, no room for cream.) If the world were a Venti Iced Coffee… well wait… the world is a Venti Iced Coffee. The world is a little bitter, a little cold and absolutely addictive and exhilarating. 

I sit here and try to map out my life from here until May. Until at least May. I’m booked through August, however. I don’t know how that happens, but I always seem to pile plans on top of plans on top of plans on top of shit.

You know, it’s been a while since I’ve written anything. Digressions. A word that I don’t use often, for I feel that it belongs to Willow Raine and Holden Caulfield. But I do believe this moment calls for one, so, I digress… 

 The list of things that must be completed by May keep piling up. Cameras must be purchased; computers must be detailed and emptied… weight must be lost… clothes must be bought. Monkeys must be seen. So daily I run through the tasks at hand, pondering how on earth I will fake my way through this one… pondering how on earth I will complete all that needs to be taken care of. 

I still don’t have that answer yet. If you think of something, please let me know. 

Slowly plans are being made and tended to in order to keep this life on track. Monkey shows are being planned, carefully. Cameras? Well, technically it’s just the one camera… and I’m still working on that plan. Weight must first be lost before new clothes can be bought – therefore there is a plan in action for said weight loss. How well that will go over remains to be seen… 

The life has been slow yet hectic at the same time, which doesn’t make much sense to me… confuses the fuck out of me and I don’t particularly like it. I've had more to think about lately, a lot more on my plate which equals a lot more on my mind. None of which I care to share with you on such a public forum.

At least I have friends to lose weight with. That's not something that I could do by myself... 2 of my friends are going to go through this with me - neither of them have as much to lose as I do, of course... both are stronger than I am... however I am one up on them. They're both addicted to soda.

I drink soda about once a month and then I'll go through about 2 days where all I drink is root beer. Other than that the only thing I drink is ice water or seltzer water... with the occasional iced tea. I do understand why people get addicted to pop, and I know that it's a terribly horrible thing to have to quit, so I do feel bad for them... I do... but in the end it'll just be so much better for them if they can stop drinking it altogether.

Me? My problem? Food in general. I can go days and days without eating anything and I won't even feel hungry at all, the worst part is that once food touches my lips, I can't stop. I need to learn control. That once I eat a small something that it isn't the gateway to eat anything and everything... well, Jodie... good luck with that. I've been dealing with my disordered eating since I was a child. I even wonder if there's hope for me now that I'm 25. Perhaps I am that old dog and you just can't teach me new tricks. I wish that my parents had taught me about food skills early on in life... Of course if they read this they would just blame me...

Anyone else want to join us in trying to lose weight? The goal date is Legacy.

Swiftly moving on... Something I love happened on my desktop this morning. :) Today is the 15th and it's 15 days until I get to see the Monkeys again. (I have a little countdown thingy that helps me keep track of days...) I love it when the days add up like that. Always when I'm counting down to my birthday it's always 31 days until my birthday on October 31st... making for a happy Halloween.

Picture of the Day:

Why couldn't I have learned about self control and self respect when I was 9? This was the last time I was a size 4... I wonder if my bones would even let me be a size 4 now...? I mean, this was pre-puberty, so my hips would have been smaller than they are now...? Yes? Either way...

Looking back at photos from this shoot I think about how at this point in my life I didn't understand eating disorders, that I didn't understand self harm... while my body had already had it's fair share of cuts, scrapes, burns, bruises and scars - it's nowhere near the shape that it's in now... that's for sure. Pre-tattoos, pre-piercings... (minus the one in each ear...) and well before I knew what it feel like to drag a knife across my skin.

In this picture, I was blissful and all too innocent. I had never colored my hair. I had never kissed a boy. I didn't have a clue that this wouldn't last. That someday (not that far away) I would be fat... all too easily... I would be taken advantage of, again, all too easily... I would willfully place scars along my body when I once tried to avoid them... I would try. I would try. Try at many things... try at life, try at death... try to live, try to breathe, try to be free...

I suppose that's all life is... Trying.

Speaking In Tongues

"To the center of your heart, oh Cleopatra is the only one you love..." 

I have learned so much today. :) I learned that I am not only old, but I am also very young in comparison. Funny. Swiftly moving on...

17 days until I see Monkeys again... I was so spoiled in Vegas/LA... I had just seen them two weeks before in Tulsa and then I went to Vegas... few days later turned around and went to LA... now I am "forced" to wait it out 17 days until I can see them again. Then again... it could always be worse. They are fucking addictive. I should alert them of such.

I've been writing down my improv ideas so that I don't catch Jay too off guard again. ;) All of the ones I've written down thus far are G and PG... of course I just know that at the next show I'm at they'll ask for an improv and Jay will look at me and be like, "from anyone but you." XD

Oops...?

I'm pretty stoked for these 17 days to pass... I have a kick ass gift to give to my BFF.

I reckon I do have something pretty big to tell y'all... of course I've been cry, cry, crying for a new DSLR for the longest time... every time I almost buy a new one, something happens and I can no longer afford it... my Canon 780is point and shoot has been getting me by for a while now... and we all know when I went through my Nikon D60 phase... and then the downfall that was the discontinue of it... :(

So now I'll try to tell you something without telling you anything... I've been hired to do a big photography job, something that I *need* a DSLR for and I seriously cannot ask to borrow my Mama's again without her killing me... so I've been back to my DSLR research... and... well... I have decided.

I was going to get the Nikon D5000, but after I held others, shot with others, looked at features and specs... I have decided on the Canon XSi.

Yep. Canon. Here I was going "Oh how badly I want a Nikon... please, please, please!" And then I shot with both of them and easily was swayed back over to Canon... Heh. Funny. Hoping to get the new camera by the end of March... of course, those damn Monkeys... *shakes head, smiling* (You know I love my Mnkys.)

Do you ever write something knowing that someone will read it...? I mean, someone in particular...? I feel that way a lot lately.

I need a new computer. Hardcore.

Need, need, need... I'm almost sick of that word. Can't imagine how y'all feel hearing it from me.

I waaant a new tattoo... Hopefully in May... that's bad when there's so much going on that I have to plan out tattoos and extracurricular activities like that... May... so close, yet so fucking far.

The other day Jennifer and I were at the mall when she mentioned that I needed new jeans... yes. Yes, I do. I finally had to retire my poor pathetic skinny jeans (after wearing them about three times after they SHOULD have been retired...) after Nashville. So I've been stuck with icky boot leg jeans, which do not flatter me... I know that bigger girls should always be conscious of what they're wearing, and trust me when I say that no one is more conscious of that than I am -- but skinny jeans actually look better on me than anything else.

I hate when big girls wear clothes that they swim in -- listen, I get it; you're fat... that doesn't mean that you can't be attractive, sexy, desirable... with a figure and a shape! Trust!

So we go into this store and Jenn mentions that they have layaway... I say, "what? Nowhere has layaway anymore..." and so she goes up and asks the sales person and apparently they were having a special for layaway, too... I was like, "DUDE!" So I picked out four pairs of skinny jeans to try on... the first one was the size I usually get and they didn't fit. (Too small.) I was like, "Oh shit. No, no, no... please tell me I didn't get fatter..." #iwouldcry

Next I tried on this pair of really cute ones that were a size smaller than what I usually wear, but it was all they had - and they fit! Yay! #winatlife So I definitely had to get those... didn't like the third pair; too dark. And the fourth pair had like rips and tears in them... too cool for school... had to get those... both of the jeans were a size smaller than what I normally get! :) Don't know what was up with the first pair I tried on, but fuck em.

I haven't even been consciously trying to lose weight, but I reckon all the travel and the Mnkys has something to do with it... never have time to eat; always run, run, running. (Running to terminals, running to hug friends, running away from Twilight fans... etc...) Of course now I am consciously trying to lose weight... 17 days.

Pic of the Day: