Homesick?

The past week or so I've been feeling an indescribable feeling of longing, loneliness, and just that something is missing from me.

I've been asked many, many times if I ever get homesick.

The answer to that is simple: no.

I can explain several reasons for it... first of all - I don't technically have a home. (I am on the road, traveling and crashing with friends far too often to call anywhere my "home".) Secondly, I've never felt like I ever had a home.

Even for the years that I lived in one constant place - I'd leave the house and beg my best friend to go to a bar or to the casino or a 24h diner just because I didn't want to go "home".

I've never felt like I belonged anywhere... other than the road.

Many people have told me that "home is where the heart is..." which was not a phrase that I understood completely until a year or so ago. Lately, as I've been talking to Jennifer on the phone and whatnot - with each conversation there comes a point that I would end up crying over something out of my control... the feeling of loneliness and the burden of being out of control is/was just getting to be too much for me.

I thought that perhaps I was homesick... missing Jennifer, my dog, my boys... to which, I am homesick in that aspect. I haven't seen my dog since the beginning of August... I haven't seen Jennifer or the boys since tour ended - and while there are always emails, texts and phone calls with the people that I miss - there is nothing quite as comforting as a hug. (Thankfully I'll get to hug some of these people in another week...)

I realized last night when I was on the phone with a friend and having another moment of this longing and heartbreaking loneliness that I'm not at all homesick, but that I'm roadsick.

I've been stationary since the first week of September and it's driving me up the metaphorical wall. I'm not used to being so still... my mind, body and soul quite literally needs and craves travel in order to breathe and thrive.

My little jog up to Michigan should suffice for a short while. After that I'm heading up plans on going back to Kansas City for a while... and from there I'll need to start working on a trip to LA or Vegas while the boys are in Europe.

Europe would have sufficed me for a while. I would have been able to live off of that travel for a quite a bit... but alas... it didn't work out. It looks as though I'll be spending my birthday in Kansas City versus Hamburg, Germany with my boys. (Perhaps I'll drink German lager all night in honor of them... or perhaps they should drink Bud Light that night in honor of me, since it's my birthday and all...)

I still need to work on what exactly I have planned for my birthday... I'm open to suggestions if you know the KC/surrounding area well. :) I haven't really explored KC in over a year - so I'm not sure of the new stuff/restaurants/bars that they have.

Do you get homesick? Roadsick?

What did you do for your last birthday?

Noticed

"I pity the fool that falls in love with you..." 

This will hopefully be a good month. I got a bunch of ducks lined up in a row... I guess that means I need to get out my pistol then... isn't that how I win the giant ass panda?

I get to see some friends, some boys, hear some good live music... I am looking forward to most of it. :) There will be a few things and key ingredients missing from the festivities, but... I'll manage.

Tomorrow I'm going out to buy a pair of heels.

Very specific reasoning, but I actually haven't worn heels in nearly 2 years. Why am I changing that now? I just bought a corset and the way that I first want to wear it didn't seem very "Converse".

I used to live in heels... I've gone back and forth about them for many, many years. The reason I stopped wearing them was because I was self-conscious of my height. (It makes me feel... weird... to be taller than some men...) I went through a period where that didn't matter to me and I lived in them. I used to go to the grocery store in them... everything.. all the time.

When I moved from Kansas City I took three pairs of shoes with me. I'm a simple girl now... but Micky bought me a dress for Christmas, one that requires heels and then I started looking for new ones again... so now that I'm going heels shopping tomorrow I'll be able to have more options from my closet. :)

A bit of travel at the end of this month. First Austin in like, 12 days to go see Mechanical People... turn around and come back to Houston and then turn around and go back to Austin for the SBL show on the 26th. From there we're going to Dallas to see Mechanical People again...

That's the one I'm looking forward to... even though it'll be another "goodbye" until I see those boys again at the beginning of May, I'm excited to see my step mom.

I haven't seen my step mom since... maybe July of last year...? If my memory serves me right. I only saw my dad once or so last year... meanwhile... don't make me put the number of times I saw my boys up. That would be bad.

What's terrible is that I keep in correspondence with those boys better than I do with my family. I feel guilty about it sometimes... but then... it's a two way street.

My step mom did seem excited about my book, though... that makes me very happy. I'm excited to receive it. Should be another week. I heard that they're being "processed and printed" right now.

Maybe tomorrow I can also look into getting my new tattoo... :) That could be fun. I have to find a new place here in Houston for ink. I hate finding new places... unfortunately, none of my Houston friends have tattoos. :-/

I'm trying to talk my step mom into coming to the Dallas show. That could be a lot of fun for us. I tried to explain Mechanical People to her... "it's got two people from the Stevedores in it... you remember the Stevedores, right? That one CD I gave you? Yeah. It's got their drummer and guitarist in it. It's amazing. You'll love them."

April will be good... but y'all don't want to hear about that.

May. Lord... here we go again. My plans are already starting to overlap. So... yay...? At least I'll be busy. May until... who knows when... The rest of my year is stuffed full of plans...

I'm ready to get moving, but so many things are holding me back.

Whenever I Want You All I Have To Do Is Dream

"And all this time oblivious, 
To what you made so obvious, 
I can't believe I never noticed my heart before..." 


Last night was a good night. :) First off, Jennifer brought home Cabin Fever 2, which we had been trying to watch for several days now... I loved the first one - Jennifer isn't into all the gore and stuff... but Cabin Fever 2? 


Oh let me see here. I have so much to say about this film. 


First of all, in the description for it, it says that it picks up right where Cabin Fever left off, which it does... it also says that Rider Strong is in it... which, errm... 


The movie was shot back in Spring 2007, but shelved and held up forever in post... (Read the IMDb if you care to know why...) 


Anyhow, I was really looking forward to seeing a sequel where one of the leads from the first actually stayed in the movie, however... (*SPOILER*, but the movie sucked and you shouldn't see it anyway, so keep reading...) Rider Strong literally gets killed DIRECTLY after the opening credits. Srs. I was so disappointed... 


Not to mention that the "special effects" and makeup in this thing were horrendous. Beyond fixable. I literally could have made a better gore movie with my digital camera. True story.  I hated it. We so wasted a dollar on it when we could have just rented Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs again. 


After that mess of a movie, we decided to watch the St. Rocke show that I got on DVD from a very lovely Twitter follower. :D It was my first time seeing the show in it's entirety since actually being in LA. 


*breathless sigh* 


I wish there were a way for me to put into words how much it meant to me that she sent me this DVD... All of the moments I loved while at the show were on the DVD... Not to mention a few things that I missed while at the actual concert, like the cutest little giggle from a certain Monkeys mouth as he took my hand. 


While we were in the midst of watching the Monkey DVD they released their next slew of dates. :) Much to my surprise and approval, of course! Annnnnd... KANSAS CITY!!! EEEP! It was a perfect moment. Also, happy to see them going back to Tulsa. :) Tulsa was my favorite show thus far on the tour... and it was my first for this tour... I had to talk Jennifer into going back to Tulsa, but it wasn't that hard. Yaay! 


Also!! They're playing the Beaumont Club! I *knew* this is where they would play and I kept checking their official site, KNOWING this is where the Monkeys would play. There are many "pros" to playing this club, but I'd like to keep my advantage, so I'm not going to name them here. I'm happy that the boys will be on home turf. Now instead of driving 3-8 hours to see them... I have to drive 15 minutes.


Talked to Willow today for 2 hours. :) I love doing that... when we get on the phone we're always on it for like, fuckever... I digress... (see what I did there?!) I'm officially STOKED to go to Louisville. Totes. Stoked. Of the released dates for Monkey boys I'm planning on attending 6 of the posted shows. (Not counting Dallas. Cuz then that would make 9... meanwhile, I've been to 9 Monkey shows... so that would mean that by the time Dallas is over I will have been to 18 Monkey shows. O_O ...if they don't add anymore that I can get to... my god. *rubs plastic Jesus*) 


We had planned on going to Ohio, but shit happens... Detroit was supposed to be my 15th show... now... Kansas City is my 15th show. Gaaah, that worked out perfectly. Remember how I was just saying that shit happens for a reason?!?! ...Well?! *holds out hands at example before you* 


Alright, enough about those boys... swiftly moving on. 


After we watched St. Rocke I suggested we watch something on Netflix... I wanted to watch something scary and I was naming off the horrors it listed and casually mentioned Interview With A Vampire, to which Jennifer replies that she's never seen it before... we tried to watch it then and Netflix was apparently having a bad day and didn't wish to accommodate us with that particular movie... 


I then suggested Nightmare On Elm Street (the first one) and she said that she had never seen that one either! Oh, well snap!! So we watched it, she got scared... 


I saw it for the first time when I was in 6th grade. I had asked my parents waay back in the day (when I lived with my father) if I could see it and they vehemently disapproved. (I lived on Elm street for the majority of my childhood... yeaaaah, kinda glad they didn't let me see it. I would have cried.)  But of course when I moved in with my Mama I immediately wanted to see it... It was very scary the first time that I saw it... but watching it back last night? I didn't jump or flinch... 


However! 


I'm very fucking stoked to see the new re-make! Just saw the new released trailer. Looks badass. I can't wait! 


Picture of the Day:

It's been a while since I put up a photo of any of the boys, and this one has a purpose... love this pic, by the way... props to the chick who took it. 


When I saved it I titled this picture "why do you never wear a tie when I see you" because out of the 9 shows that I've been to, Jackson has never worn a tie... meanwhile, I think he looks beyond handsome and so sexy in ties. *nudge, nudge, hint hint... Des Moines.*


(Now I'll stand there with my mouth agape if he wears a tie in Des Moines... You know I will.)