All the commentary and soundtrack for me.
There are times that I want to slip under water... to go completely under. Drowning is not drowning at all; it's suffocating. Your body will not actually allow you to inhale much water... however, you don't receive air and therefore, you suffocate. Which, can be quite pleasant... much like slipping away. As your head goes under water and it fills up more of your face, slowly inching closer to your eyes and turning off your peripheral vision... something like that, I'd imagine. Slowly everything just fades to black.
There is always something that keeps us alive. For some it is religion. Whether that may mean they have faith that their "God" has put purpose in them or if they merely believe that to take their life would be a sin - it's keeping them alive. For some it is love. May it be they are so entirely loved that nothing is missing from their life or perhaps they have the drive to keep searching for what will fill them up completely; believing that it is love. For me I say, "it's not the right time..."
I find little mundane things to live for each day. Today it was one friend. Today it was Frank Sinatra and the way my pillows look when they're tear stained. Some days it's my best friend. Some days it's my boys. Some days it's nothing.
Some people are out of things to live for. While some would consider suicide a "thoughtless" or "selfless" act... to those I say you're both right and wrong. If I lost someone close to me from suicide and someone said "she was selfish... what about... what about...?" I'd say, "then you must not have known her so well. You didn't take the time to see just what she was going through." For those who have children and responsibilities... THOSE things should be your reasons to live... for those who aren't fortunate enough to have those luxuries - I would not consider your suicide selfish.
Sure, it is selfish... but isn't that what it's about? Your suicide is about you. You aren't killing. You are ending your pain and misery.
I have been in pain and misery for the majority of my 26 years having never really had many moments that I would call "happy". ...With one exception. (There's always an exception to the rule...)
2010.
2010 was the first year that I did not attempt suicide since I was 18.
That is not a fact that I have shared with many - and now I have shared it with all. I figure that I have this public platform to reach people on - I may as well utilize it.
I have been told a few times by people who read this that "we have a lot in common...", I hope that you can empathize with me on this entry. I know that times are hard, that life sucks more than it rocks, I know that each day when you wake up you have to face everything all over again and I know what it's like to count the hours in the day... to you, I want to say that if you can just find something to live for TODAY, you can make it through.
For those who have never felt this way, consider yourself blessed. Understand that it's not something people can turn on and off... understand that sometimes it's just something that people are born with... understand that by you reaching out to your friend who never reaches out to you that you could be saving their life that day. You are needed and wanted... but, it's so hard to say "help me".
I am unsure about a lot of things in my life right now, but I do know one thing for certain: I love my art. For that I stay alive... and I love the support that I am given. Right now I have a lot to be thankful for and I hope that 2011 will be as great as 2010.
As always, thank you to those who take the time to read this. Pixie Stix and Diet Coke's to those who comment.
*EDIT* You know what else keeps me going? Perfectly timed emails from my favorite people on the planet.
7 comments:
So many comments that I could put here, and thus, you will probably get a long, rambling email later on tonight, when I focus them into something resembling coherency...however, 1st - your end pic reminds me of my birthday present to you...so, :) 2nd- I love you, my newest newfound friend. I'm sorry if I don't show it more, pester you more, but I do. More to come later.
Ahem...where are the aforementioned pixi sticks? I'll see you pixi sticks for 3lbs...oh, um....2lbs of gummi bears.
Perhaps in light of this post, this is a bad place to post this, but I'm hoping it will be the opposite. To set this up: you don't know me. We've never met though, we've been in the same place on a few occasions. We don't have any mutual friends, but I like 100 Monkeys (tho I don't consider them my favorite band) and enjoy some of your images of them.
I saw this just a moment ago on tumblr:
"I suppose all my travel plans are on hold until I know what my boys are doing… "
What if you planned things around people that you're friends with.. The people that will be there for you at the end of the day.. The ones that would visit you in the hospital if something happened to you.. or the ones that send you a text just to see how your day is going or because they have to tell you about something crazy that just happened? One of your friends is getting married and they invited you to the wedding! Sweet! Weddings are once in a lifetime (or maybe a few for some people lol)! Would it really be so bad to miss a few monkey shows? Are you really willing to plan your life around a group of people that wouldn't do the same for you?
Maybe you will take this as me being as ass, but I'm honestly not trying to be... Music is incredibly important to me, so I get that (I saw something like 40 different bands live last year). But perhaps the ...intensity of your interest in that band is holding you back from some really rich experiences!
I'm sure you've had some great moments with them.. I enjoy catching my favorite bands afterwards to chill with a beer or sneak a hug if I think they'll be ok with it... but it's mostly a one way road, ya know? Even with bands that know who I am because they come through town a lot (and maybe I post on their FB wall too much) and I've gotten to chill with afterwards (probably because my friend is hot)... it's one way. Even if they're appreciative that I'm a supportive fan.
I have friends that are musicians... I love getting texts or calls from them when they're on the road to tell me about the lastest cop run-in or crazy fan shenaniganz. So I see the other side too. Because at the end of tour they come home. We go to our favorite places to chill and they aren't part of "this band", they're just my friend. They aren't worried about what their fans are up to or if their most loyal fans will make it to the next show. They have their own shit to deal with and friends to catch up with.
So I guess I say all that to say: find people that are a constant in your life and you in theirs. I know it's not easy (I'm not the most social person), but it will change your small things to live for into huge things - into real things. Consistant things. Maybe join a photog group (there are lots where I live). You'll not only inprove your skills, but you'll meet people that you have something in common with and you just might find that there's more there.
To Anon: Thank you for your detailed comment, of course your opinion and time is always appreciated here. Thank you for reading and taking a minute to respond.
My life can look a lot of different ways to the people on the outside of it. Since you don't really know me and as you mentioned we don't have mutual friends then here would be a good place to tell you that I don't keep a lot of people close...
If you'd like to get to know me or talk, my email is on my website. :)
Thank you for your comment!
It's me, anon again. Please don't feel the need to post this if you don't want to... Just want to clear a few things up.
I don't usually creep people's personal stuff, so I feel kinda weird about this anyway.. :/ I'm not the type to involve myself in online fandoms (I was a part of one maybe 6 years ago and vowed to never do it again. Too much unnecessary drama between fans, which I'll never understand and it becomes all consuming) or make friends through the internet (though I do still have one from the aforementioned fandom). I just ran across your blog and felt really compelled to comment because since I see the other side I had this really strong feeling of "Oh, but she's missing out on so much!"... but I definitely didn't want you to take it as me saying you should quit something that makes you happy. Not at all. More that maybe you should make time for other things that make you happy as well. Sorry!
I fear that I was the cause of the post following this one and.... gah! I WOULD rather email you, but I'm afraid it would be inappropriate for me due to..well, just things in my life. Hell, just the fact that I've commented here is probably innapropriate. Sorry again. That's a crappy explanation. :/
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I read this last night, and it's been on my mind quite a bit since. I applaud you for the courage to be so exposed.
Suicide is an uncomfortable topic for both those who have contemplated/attempted it, and those who have never. I suppose the majority would say "no, I have never or would never even think of doing that". But they are wrong. The overwhelming feeling of certain hopelessness can creep into anybody at anytime. Individuals that have made an attempt, I would guess are hesitant to share their story with just anyone for fear of being judged. And to be honest it makes people who say they have never tried or thought of it themselves uncomfortable - so they do not respond at all. They move on. They think it will go away. It is taboo (I don't think the anonymous commenter used the word suicide even once, though I commend them for responding at all).
I've known MANY friends of my brothers that have committed suicide. Everyone always says "why didn't we see this coming. Why didn't we do anything about it?". It was there all along. But nobody wants to get involved. They think it will go away. Don't problems always fix themselves eventually? Yeah, right.
I have also personally witnessed people in the act of attempted suicide (most successful, some not) thanks to my many years of working on an ambulance. And you are right, it usually was about them. But there were the occasional few that thought their families deserved better, or didn't want to burden their wife of over 50 years any longer with their medical problems but still took the time to load the dishwasher and start her coffee before he went out into the garage with a knife that morning.
We all know somebody who has either tried or thought of this particular type of escape. We just may not be aware of it. And if anybody that read your blog still thinks "nope, I don't know anyone". Well then, they are blind. We know you! (well sort of..through blog, twitter, facebook or whatever).
This got long..so sorry! It's just my opinion and thoughts. Point is...I admire your courage. I applaud your strength in 2010. And I will keep an unyielding faith that your 2011 will be just as successful!
CassLynn
No, you were not the sole purpose of that blog post. There have been many people who have told me many times to quit numerous things in my life. Please don't feel like it was just because of your comment.
I would love to talk with you if you want to. ...I don't see how it could be "inappropriate" for your life. You're free to talk to whomever you want to, right?
The door is open. I'm a good person, a good friend and a good listener. :)
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