Easily Influenced: A Series Of Confessions

I've always been a quitter. Unless I wanted something more than anything... then I have a history of never stopping until I get what I want.

I have only child syndrome. I'm not great at sharing. I was never considered "spoiled" as a kid (we didn't grow up with tons of money, but I didn't go without...) but I had more than my fair share of toys and belongings. I get bored easily and I'm quite bossy at times.

There's a lot of things that I wish I could have had growing up. Most of them are not material. The only toy that I can think of that I wanted so badly but I never got was one of those Barbie 4x4 cars that you actually drive. I wished for one for so many years... I wished on stars, I wished on birthday candles... nothing. It never came. I'm probably better off with the bike that my parents bought me. I was a thin and active child and for that, I am grateful.

I quit dance and now I can't remember why. I actually quit dance twice... I quit acting. I quit band. I quit calling my parents. I quit high school. I quit my singing career. I quit my boyfriends. I quit my jobs.

Now, it's not that I'm the girl that quits as soon as things get hard - quite the opposite in fact. I'm the girl that quits when I've had "enough" or when I'm bored. I work very hard to get the things that I want... unfortunately I just don't have the attention span to reap the benefits for said hard work.

Now, to go back up there... my singing career? I was manipulated into quitting that. Here's a horrible place to tell you that I am easily influenced. But, at least now I *realize* that.

So, now there's so many people (most of them strangers) trying to get me to quit things... (*shifty eyes*) and I realize that I am easily influenced. I realize that they all have valid key points... but... we're missing the most important key point! The keyest of all points... the creme de le point!

IT MAKES ME HAPPY.

Why do so many people take an interest in my life? I'll never know. I actually don't care to know. I don't mind that people take an interest in my life... it makes me feel wanted and needed. Even if I just provide laughter (as they're laughing at me...) or quips... even if I just give them something to talk about and gossip about with their friends... or if they actually like me and they're genuinely interested in what I say... if I inspire someone to pick up a camera and take a photo or if I help them in their personal life by them relating to something that I've said --- I like it.

I don't understand it. It's weird and entirely new ground and I don't mind it. How's that for a confession? But, I've had a great friend able to help me through the process of this... They've offered many words of wisdom. (Most of them humorous.)

So, while I am still happy doing what I do - I will continue to do it. Others may (hell, probably will) try to convince me to stop doing what makes me happy - but those people clearly don't know me. (*See yesterday's blog entry...)

Another thing about me... I have ADD. That's a reason why I have quit so many things... I get bored. Burnt out. Tired. Over it... and, that always happens sooner or later. So... if you're one of the people trying to get me to quit something - just have a little patience, will ya?

Life Under Water: A Series Of Confessions

My life has a perfectly timed and always accurate running commentary. My evenly placed (and not so evenly placed) breaths; my evenly beating (and not so evenly beating) heart. Every bone that cracks, every itch of my skin, every single droning thought in my overstuffed and unorganized head...

All the commentary and soundtrack for me.

There are times that I want to slip under water... to go completely under. Drowning is not drowning at all; it's suffocating. Your body will not actually allow you to inhale much water... however, you don't receive air and therefore, you suffocate. Which, can be quite pleasant... much like slipping away. As your head goes under water and it fills up more of your face, slowly inching closer to your eyes and turning off your peripheral vision... something like that, I'd imagine. Slowly everything just fades to black.

There is always something that keeps us alive. For some it is religion. Whether that may mean they have faith that their "God" has put purpose in them or if they merely believe that to take their life would be a sin - it's keeping them alive. For some it is love. May it be they are so entirely loved that nothing is missing from their life or perhaps they have the drive to keep searching for what will fill them up completely; believing that it is love. For me I say, "it's not the right time..."

I find little mundane things to live for each day. Today it was one friend. Today it was Frank Sinatra and the way my pillows look when they're tear stained. Some days it's my best friend. Some days it's my boys. Some days it's nothing.

Some people are out of things to live for. While some would consider suicide a "thoughtless" or "selfless" act... to those I say you're both right and wrong. If I lost someone close to me from suicide and someone said "she was selfish... what about... what about...?" I'd say, "then you must not have known her so well. You didn't take the time to see just what she was going through." For those who have children and responsibilities... THOSE things should be your reasons to live... for those who aren't fortunate enough to have those luxuries - I would not consider your suicide selfish.

Sure, it is selfish... but isn't that what it's about? Your suicide is about you. You aren't killing. You are ending your pain and misery.

I have been in pain and misery for the majority of my 26 years having never really had many moments that I would call "happy". ...With one exception. (There's always an exception to the rule...)

2010.

2010 was the first year that I did not attempt suicide since I was 18.

That is not a fact that I have shared with many - and now I have shared it with all. I figure that I have this public platform to reach people on - I may as well utilize it.

I have been told a few times by people who read this that "we have a lot in common...", I hope that you can empathize with me on this entry. I know that times are hard, that life sucks more than it rocks, I know that each day when you wake up you have to face everything all over again and I know what it's like to count the hours in the day... to you, I want to say that if you can just find something to live for TODAY, you can make it through.

For those who have never felt this way, consider yourself blessed. Understand that it's not something people can turn on and off... understand that sometimes it's just something that people are born with... understand that by you reaching out to your friend who never reaches out to you that you could be saving their life that day. You are needed and wanted... but, it's so hard to say "help me".

I am unsure about a lot of things in my life right now, but I do know one thing for certain: I love my art. For that I stay alive... and I love the support that I am given. Right now I have a lot to be thankful for and I hope that 2011 will be as great as 2010.

As always, thank you to those who take the time to read this. Pixie Stix and Diet Coke's to those who comment.

*EDIT* You know what else keeps me going? Perfectly timed emails from my favorite people on the planet.

Happy Birthday, Ben! @100MonkeysMusic

Birthdays are a very important thing where I come from (planet earth), and I am all about making them special, unique and the best that they can be for my friends and people I care about. So, on this most holy of days I hope that you are happy and relaxed as I say...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BEN! 

My wish for you today is that you spend it with those who matter most to you, that your beer never runs empty and that this birthday be one that you remember for always. 25 is a big deal... quarter of a century... You're like, an adult and stuff. Or something.

Keeping with the tradition of my birthday posts for y'all - here are five of my favorite photos of you that I've taken...

I remember the reaction when we figured out just how to work the guitar shirt... That was pretty awesome! I loved that entire day.

My favorite photo of you from the winter tour... from Mission, Texas.

One of my favorite photo of you from the summer tour from San Francisco.

Happy birthday, Ben... I sincerely wish you all the best. Eat some cake. Drink some beer. Have a good time and good show tonight -- Love you!

xx