Finally Saying Something Here

"Tomorrow will be violent, so do not drink & forget..."


Wow, it's nearly been a month since I've updated this blog. I do strongly apologize for my absence; I used to be so amazing at keeping this thing up to date, but honestly, I haven't been online much at all.

Let's see.

What's been new lately...?

It's been an obscene amount of days since I've seen the boys, but fortunately for me, I'm leaving 2 weeks from today to go see them in Hermosa Beach, CA. Now, now... I promise to not drink all the whiskey in Los Angeles before heading to the show like I did last time.

Actually, I really just cannot drink at Monkey shows anymore. Bad idea. Only done that twice, but those are two times that... yeah...

Now, while I miss all the boys, I actually did get to see Jay about 2 weeks ago up in Seattle. :) That's all I'm going to say about that.

Picture's worth a thousand, or so they say:

I colorsplashed me this time because in the photo of us from Nashville I colorsplashed him. :)

Of course, now I'm gonna need another pic with the boys... just saying... new look for me, new photo of us. :) I've managed to squeeze myself into pants 4 sizes smaller than the last time I saw these boys. I cut my hair & dyed it a color I quite literally had never been before: red.

The new me...

Many have asked me and I have answered few on how I felt about Eclipse and the Airbender film...

Alright, well, I'll just be honest then.

I absolutely adored Eclipse; as it's been said, it was by far the best in the series. However, I was of course disappointed with a few minimal things... nothing to really bitch about, but the overall experience of the entire thing was quite amazing. I am beyond proud of Jackson for this one. I was proud of him immensely for Twilight and New Moon, so how do I keep having room to grow even more proud of him? I suppose we should ask him how he manages to grow even more talented.

Actually one of the things I love most about Jackson is his ability to surprise me. That's a deep and long topic that I'm not going to discuss with any of you.

Airbender? I was heavily looking forward to seeing it, almost more so than Eclipse, actually. But it ended up Eclipse being the one that I loved more. Unfortunately it disappointed me, which saddens me.

It wasn't terrible, mostly I just wish that I hadn't paid for the "3D" when there was none to be found. Sokka made me chuckle on more than one time. Actually, the first time they meet Appa and he gets smacked with his tail and Jackson exclaims, "he tried to eat me!" I couldn't catch my breath because I was laughing so hard. I replied to him, "with his *tail*...?!" It was definitely a moment. Unfortunately no one else in the theater thought that it was that funny.

I was very impressed with Aang, (Noah Ringer) quite a power puncher for this being his first role.

The other day when they were sending Eclipse stars out to random theaters, Jennifer and I went to AMC and got to see Gil Birmingham who plays Jacob's father in the series and while we were at the theater we got to meet the person who trained Noah Ringer at the martial arts studio which impressed me a helluva lot more than meeting an Eclipse star. (Sorry, Gil.)

Alright, I think I've said more than enough today.

Picture of the Day:

Whalebone

"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope..." 

Yes, yes, yes! New 100 Monkeys tour dates! :) www.100MonkeysMusic.com to check them out.

Fuck yes.

So... after such excitement this morning, Jennifer and I were talking and discussing and we found out something pretty interesting about ourselves that I never thought about before.

Jennifer and I have never been to Florida or California together.
When Jennifer went to California she didn't see the ocean.
When I went to Florida I didn't see the ocean.
Therefore, Jennifer has only seen the ocean from Florida and I have only seen the ocean from California.

Fucking interesting and awesomely backwards ironic, eh? :) Made me happy.

Of course that will change...

You know... another funny thing... back in February when I went to LA to the Hermosa Beach show with Willow, I know that we were fuckclose to the ocean - I could *feel* it and *smell* the difference in the air, yet we didn't see the ocean when we were there together.

So much to see... so much to do... plans. are. set.

You know... today makes 48 days since I've seen the boys. All I needed was a date to look forward to... a time to know WHEN I would see them again. I am glad that I have new dates to look forward to.

Annnnnnd... I am so fucking READY to put my new camera to use! Should be good. :) Good, good times.

Picture of the Day:

Someone @'d that at me a while ago. :) Made me so fucking happy... they said it reminded them of me. There are worse things in life than that reminding someone of me.

*happy*

xx

New Tricks

"Maybe I should have saved those leftover dreams, 
Funny but here's that rainy day..." 

I guess it's been a while since I've blogged... and I know I *still* haven't done my Birmingham or Memphis blog; I guess that one day it will just be like a surprise for you. Someday you'll wake up and it'll be here...

I'm at the beginning of a headache. I can't tell if it's going to be a migraine yet or not...

I pulled out a good chunk of my eyelashes today. I really have a problem with that... :-/

Jennifer and I finally got the second season of Grey's Anatomy on DVD. :) That made me happy. Only took me 2 days to watch it all. Now, of course, I am ready for the third season...

Funny thing, actually...

We walked into FYE to go buy Grey's and right inside the door is the Twilight merchandise. I did a once over and they were having a sale (50% off Twilight merchandise, so I was going to look for the Jasper doll.) The employee said, "Can I help you find anything?" I said "Jasper" and that turned into a hugeeeee conversation/debate about the books and movies and the "neglected" characters.

She talked our fucking ears off! Rambling on and on and on about all sorts of Twilight related things. I was polite and listened, though I wanted to just say, "Yeaaaaaah... I'm not *THAT* into Twilight, just kinda wanted the Jasper doll so I could like, make it dance and put it in my van..." I listened to the TwiHard for a bit and then her customers got impatient. She was definitely the most interesting person that I met that day, however. (And she was an Emmett girl.)

It's hard for me to fall asleep. The night time is the hardest, which... I don't understand, but it is. I lay in bed last night - lights off, TV off, mind ON. Just as I would start to fall asleep I would sit straight up and gasp for air. I clench my fists, I clench my jaw... I don't know what to call this. I also don't know how to make it stop.

I got some Worry Dolls the other day we were out; they haven't helped.

I feel like I'm a disappointment to everyone I meet. I haven't made my parents proud, I haven't made my "fans" proud, I haven't made my friends proud. I can't even edit and keep up with my sites. I don't know what to do. The ADD is getting worse; the anxiety is getting worse. The addictions are getting worse. The only thing I'm getting better at is hiding it and lying about it.

Picture of the Day:

Happy Birthday, Jerad! @100MonkeysMusic

Here on your very own day I have a few things that I would like for you to hear/see.

First of all...

Happy Birthday, Jerad!!!!

Ahh, j.radness… We have shared so many memories that I hold close to me over the last 6 months, specifically.  Hopefully upon reviewing some of these memories in your mind, you smile.

Your smile is one of my favorite things about you; When people comment on my photos of you and say “He has an amazing smile!” I always say, “It’s the reason the polar ice caps are melting.”

You know, mister… you make my “job” pretty freaking easy (and really freaking fun…) – you are exceptionally photogenic and in the photos that I take of you I see so much happy.

You know that I love your kick-ass guitar solos, you know that I love your jokes & your high fives – but it’s not the high fives or the kick-ass guitar solos that drew me to you and made me name you my BFF. Sure, you exude awesome & have been nice to me since day one – but nice can only get you so far. (And the same goes for your charm and good looks.)

Your heart.

Along with the happy I see in my photos – I see your heart. Your giant love for playing and performing. Your immense love for the men who share the stage with you – there are some times when I have taken photos of you looking at the other boys with such love that I had to keep that photo just for myself. It felt like I had taken a private conversation between you and them and that’s something I could never share with others.

So, speaking of photos – here are my 5 favorite photos of you – of course, taken by me.

Before I wrap this up there is one more thing that I wanted to say – it has bugged me immensely for the last 41 days that in Dallas I didn’t get to say goodbye to you. I’ve felt terrible about it and upon reflection I realized that I didn’t even get to speak with you the entire time I was in Texas!

(41. Now THIS is what we should call TOO LONG. 26 is looking like gold compared to 41.)

Happy birthday, Jerad… I’m sure most people are going to offer you birthday hugs today – you know what I’ll offer you: HIGH FIVE!

Jodie

PS – my dog misses you.

...




...




...you knew I couldn't make it through this post without saying it -- I miss you. 

:)

I'm Trying To Build A Wall

"My faith ain't been no friend to me, 
And the way I've sinned is hanging off of me..."

I wonder just how "emo" I could get before people either deleted me, stopped talking to me or told me to grow the fuck up... It would be interesting to see.

My heart doesn't matter. It is irrelevant in the game of life.

I do not understand people... humans... others. How are we supposed to do this? There are only a few... very small handful of people on this earth that I truly care about and I believe there are less than that who actually care for me.

You know what humans care about? THEMSELVES.

Listen, let me tell you something -- the sooner you figure this shit out, the better -- NO ONE CARES ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY. They only listen so they can wait for their turn to talk. You may *THINK* they care about you - you may *THINK* that they listen to you, but you're naive. Even in their response, they will say something back to YOU about THEMSELVES.

I actually listen to what [some] people say and give my honest response back that has nothing to do with me... Perhaps some people think it's about relation... they feel like if you know that they can relate that that will make you feel better. But you know what, that doesn't make me feel better -- that makes me feel like you're just talking about yourself... and if we're talking about you? That's fine... let's talk about you... but don't ask me how I am and have me tell you just so you can barely respond or go back to talking about you.

If you wanna talk about you, then at least fucking own up to it.

That's not even really what this is about... you know... that's not how this blog got started.

This blog is about so, so much... and yet... by the time that you're done reading it all - you will not know what it's really about. That sucks, doesn't it?

Do you cringe at memories? How about memories that you've just made up in your mind? About people that you've never met? Places that you've never been?

I think there's something wrong with me... and with that... who wants someone so fucked up? You know, I tend to like the "weird" and "strange" ones... my step mom said once that anyone can find someone "normal", but it takes talent to get a weird one... I agree with that... but, does anyone else want a weird one? And how about someone weird like me?

I really don't know anything right now.

Forgive how scattered this is. I know it must not make sense whatsoever, but I have no one else to talk to, so if you're reading this - then I'm talking to you. Thanks for listening.

I left my phone at home today. Intentionally.

I've felt like I am on the brink of tears all day long.

Pictures? Photos always make me feel better... well, depending on the subject. Sometimes the subject makes me even more sad.

Subject? Lens flares. Lens flares make me happy.

And It's Been So Long Since I've Seen The Ocean

"One more day up in the canyon, 
And it's one more night in Hollywood, 
If you think you might come to California, 
I think you should..." 

I know I should be finishing my Birmingham blog instead of starting this one... but Birmingham is proving very hard for me to write. There's so much that happened that day, there's so much that I think of when I think of Birmingham -- however, none of that will be included in the write up blog for the show. No personal stories will be shared from that day.

Sorry to disappoint.

Yesterday Jennifer had the entire day off... we were supposed to take my new camera out for a spin at the park... but then it rained... hard. Also, Megan wasn't feeling well so we had to reschedule our lil get together.

I really keep thinking I would like to do something different with my hair. I honestly don't know what. Suggestions? With pictures?

Ahh, let's face it. I have nothing to talk about today. Here's some pictures.

My bracelets.

Jennifer's bracelets.

If I haven't mentioned it here -- I'm in love with my camera.

Rock on,

Jodie

Ain't No Way I'll Be Lonely...

"keep you in the dark you know they all pretend..." 

I was going to pick some random icon about love or art... but then I decided since I'm bored, I'll make a few new icons... So... then I did, and then I finished writing this blog. XD

This has thus far been the longest week of my life.

Isn't that funny how when you want something to go by quickly it takes forever and when you want something to slow down (saaaay... a week with your favorite primates...) it goes by in the blink of an eye. Heh. One of life's little mysteries, I suppose.

I am trying to scoot the week along quickly so that Friday will get here... I cannot wait to hold my new camera. :)

[Watch. Something tells me I am not going to get it until Saturday... just a feeling. I guess we'll see.]

"Downfall" by Matchbox 20 just came on my iPod... Please go listen to that song right now. It's how I feel about so much.

Monday Jennifer and I are getting together with our friend Megan. We met Megan, oh... I guess about 2 years ago at an Ingram Hill concert in Lawrence, KS. There are so many things that we have in common and then so many things that we don't... (I suppose that's true with a lot of people...) But I guess I always figured that "girls like Megan" wouldn't be friends with a "girl like me"... then again... you get someone that IS Megan and they surprise you.

Megan is the kind of girl who is cheerful, has gobs of faith in her religion, popular, beautiful and has amazing morals... you know... the opposite of me... but she clearly has a good heart and soul... she isn't an "ugly girl" that ignores the "girls like me" because I'm fat and... you know... gross... I am rarely cheerful (if you know the real me), have very little faith, but believe in so much, was never popular, only beautiful on occasion and who has very questionable morals.

I really admire Megan; she's such a good person to her core. I could really learn and earn so much for my life from her.

Anyhow... We're getting together Monday... I haven't seen her since before we went to Las Vegas for the boys in January!! (I saw her just a few days before we were leaving and I was supposed to come home and give her the details...) ...Megan is ultra supportive of me and so on Monday I am going to give her details of the past several months. :)

You know... insane fact... I see these boys and my "Monkey friends" more than I see my friends that live in Kansas City or my family for that matter. Crazy... but I love it. XD

I was thinking the other day... and I was trying to roll my mind around enough times so that I could word this without hurting anyone's feelings. Let's see if I can do that. Over the past few months I've acquired a bunch of new friends, many of whom have changed my life... some I have cut ties with once I found out their motives, some have a great facade and I haven't caught onto their intentions yet - they will hurt me and I will learn from it, and some are genuine good people who don't want to use me for where I walk or who I take photos of.

But...

There's just something to be said about the very small (when I say small - I mean SMALL...) group of friends I've had with me for the past few years. (Or ten... years, that is.)

Friends have come and gone quickly in my life over the last ten years -- I have been used and re-used, I was naive and gullible -- I was eager to be liked by all, so I let people walk on me and take advantage of me. I am not without guilt here, however. When I realized a few people using me, I used them back. I cannot say that I am proud of those things, or that I would do the same thing if given the chance to do over again. However, I am not going to lie and let you think I am pure, honest and good -- or that I have been my whole life -- I am trying much harder to be that person today. I think that's what counts. Everyone makes mistakes in their life. We are human.

Back on topic... There are a few friends... Jennifer, Kristi, Gemma, Rae, Megan & Willow (no specific order...) that have been there for me before I was "anyone"... who supported my multiple dreams... all of them wanting me to be genuinely happy -- all of them pushing me to succeed in whichever field would do that for me.

Now... although only 3 of them live in the KC area (one lives in Europe (!) and one of them lives with me...), the distance doesn't make us any lesser of friends. I see Willow more and talk to her more than any other person... (and I do believe that I even talk to her more than I do to the person I live with...)

I am not saying that any of my new friendships are less because they're new, but I am saying that I have a new found appreciation for these people that have been in my life, just waiting for my call... I guess I took them for granted and I regret that.

No one should be taken for granted; I often times feel like I am taken for granted and that I would not be missed if I were to disappear... that it wouldn't effect anyone on a deep level besides perhaps Jennifer and Willow -- the two people on this earth I talk to the most. So... to be taken for granted is a terrible thing and I feel badly that I have done that to anyone.

Now that that is over... did I hurt anyone's feelings? Did I manage to get through it smoothly? I do hope so. Please remember it was never my intention to hurt anyone in this post.

I think I'm done for today.

Picture of the day:

Jerad Anderson, 100 Monkeys, Birmingham.

Fucking love this photo... captures the hawk beautifully.

By the way, you got this photo before anyone else has even seen it. Go you!

Rock on,

Jodie