Yeah...

So... this whole "blogging everyday thing" clearly isn't going to happen. While I maintain that I am still blogging more than I was previously, I have come to the conclusion that I don't blog on days that I am away from the house or days that Jennifer doesn't work. Therefore - that could be several times a week.

The hCG diet is going well -- which, I need to update THAT blog, also... I lost three pounds yesterday alone and am now one pound lower than my starting weight. (The "load" days really put me off...)

I don't feel like I have much else to share, really... let's see... um...

Fuck.

All I want to do is talk about my weight.

That's the downside from being on a diet - it consumes my every thought.

EDIT: I finished this lame excuse for a blog and I went to my new hCG diet blog to put up an entry and as I was typing I realized that my goal weight for the end of this shabangle is less than I have weighed in 12 years.

In-sane.

Carry on.

Slacker

I was actually listening to The Oh Noz! when I started writing this blog, so I thought that the icon was more than appropriate for today's blog.

The Oh Noz! (my band for the stalkers that follow me from my previous life...) were actually just mentioned in a 100 Monkeys interview. Pretty flippin' sweet, if you ask me.

PZO: What’s a common compliment people give you as a band and individually?
Jackson: “We love your live show.” It’s always amazing, you know, after the show we see people and they tell us how much they had an amazing time and how they met a new best friend of theirs or I think one of the best compliments we ever received was a CD from a fan who had been inspired by us to form her own band and that was a huge compliment right there.
Ben G: The Oh Noz!. 
(laughter)
PZO: That’s what they’re called?
Ben G: Yeah, N-O-Z.


Flippin'. Sweet. I don't hate that little thing right there. :) Do not hate at all.

Micky and I actually gave Ben an Oh Noz! shirt to wear in Dallas... he was going to wear it on stage... but... then he got high. (Or something.)

This was at our last performance... February 1st we went on right before Mechanical People at the show... Ben introduced us before the show and then after the performance (which was rocky in places due to the amount of Jameson we ingested) he hopped up on stage and said "give it up for The Oh Noz!" ...we definitely loved that. :)

I think I have now missed TWO days of blogging... but... at least I am still making it over to this blog more often than I was before. See... I'm trying.

I missed the other day because I was away from my computer all day again... I missed yesterday because I was stalking the mailman.

I have been not-so-patiently awaiting the mailman to bring my hCG drops so that I could finally start my new diet. They finally came yesterday about 2 or so and after taking them and then eating on them for the first time I got very tired and lethargic, which I believe is actually the opposite of what is supposed to happen on them... so... I hope that I don't have a backwards reaction to this crap as well. (Like Red Bull makes me tired.)

I actually started a new blog just for this "diet"... I will give you all the web address at the end of the 30 days. (Actually, I will need to go longer than 30 days in order to lose all the weight that I'm aiming for... this first cycle I'm going 43 days, which is the most that you're allowed to do... then I have to wait 6 weeks and then I can start another 43 days... we'll see how it all goes down.)

I'm pretty excited for this... those who have read my blog for a long time (or who have gone back in my blog to read old entries) know how excited I get to start new things. I get very motivated. Of course, when things don't show me the progress that I want or need I get very discouraged... I am going to try to push through that this time. I definitely have focus for this one. I see the goal that I want to obtain and now I'll try my hardest to reach it.

I had some very vivid and disturbing dreams last night. I'm a lucid dreamer, for the newbies who read this... and at times my dreams are almost too real and too much to take. Of course, there are times when that is a plus... when I'm being kissed or held I can actually taste the persons lips; I can actually feel their arms around me. That doesn't suck. :)

Last night was somewhere between evil and heaven.

I was in a hotel and every time I turned on the water and looked away blood rushed out onto my hands... the people around me could see the blood come from the faucet, but by the time that I would turn around to see it, it would go back to water. There were a few other little incidents that were scary like that... seeing things... feeling things that weren't there... I can't remember them all the way now that I've been up for a few hours... but... yeah.

Picture of the Day:

(PS... that kissing/holding thing happened in my dream last night... it got me through the grossness of touching blood.)

I Knew I Forgot Something...

"You hold your head up to the sky you say 'what kind of blue are you?'

Then you ride a pony 'round and 'round it's digging a hole right through, 

You stumble down the Yellow Brick Road spinning your shoes in the air, 

Then you hold your breath and count to nine, 

Hoping that soon somebody will find you..." 

Yesterday I didn't touch my computer at all... so, it's not a surprise that I forgot to blog. Hopefully I can "make up" for that today by blogging something seriousfull.

Of course I had to decide to do this whole blog-everyday-thing now... when I'm wanting nothing more than to hide my head in sand.

I have appreciated the emails of confidence and help plus the lovely texts from all you beautiful people. Perhaps it's best that I force myself to do this so that I don't completely fade away.

Yesterday I went to the mall for 7 hours while Jennifer was at work. I listened to my iPod until it died, just watching the people pass by. Strangest thing - people are lovely when you don't have to hear them and you aren't in a rush to get anywhere specific... it's nice to have your own soundtrack to their fuckery.

The first place that I went was to the Borders book store in the mall. I had planned on stopping for coffee at Starbucks beforehand, but I'm glad that I waited because it turns out they had a Seattle's Best in the Borders! I got a coffee and told the barista boy that I was surprised to see one this far South... then of course, I've just moved to Houston. He said there were four or five in the area and one in every Borders... oh well... I'm clearly a regular at Starbucks and Barnes and Noble.

The first time that I had Seattle's Best was in the Denver airport on the way to Seattle, actually. Last June... unfortunately my iced coffee had grounds in the bottom of the cup and I ranted to Twitter that if you're going to call yourself "Seattle's BEST" that you maybe should keep up with that trend...

That would be a hard thing to do... while I can understand wanting to name your coffee "Seattle's Best", you'd think that it would be a reflection of your product -- which, I'm sure it is... but for me being a first time drinker at that time and to find grounds in my coffee - it didn't set the impression bar very high.

I'm kind of a coffee snob. Yep, I'll admit it.

But... yesterday's coffee was in fact Seattle's "best". I quite enjoyed it. The cute barista boy brewed it fresh for me. :) It's impressive what a little niceness and a smile will get you. (I wasn't even wearing makeup!)

I wandered around Border's and was in search of a photography or a psychology book... instead I found neither; I found Cobain Unseen - a book with insight into Kurt Cobain's belongings. Obviously I bought it.

I bought Kurt Cobain's journals book back in 2002 when it was released... unfortunately I'm not sure where that book is now... I suppose it's either lost or back in Kansas City. I will re-buy it if it's lost... that's a book that I miss.

This book talks about Kurt's connection to his material things... it has exclusive photos from the Kurt Cobain Estate -- (all of his possessions are in a high security locker in Olympia, WA now...) It was really quite fascinating. I learned a lot about him that I didn't know yet. Of course, I'll be honest... I never really studied Kurt - he fascinated me just the way he was and I never felt the urge to really search him further. I sort of took him as he was and kept it at that. So, it was nice to learn about him, parts of his childhood, his psyche, his multiple attempts at suicide and how he always knew his fate.

He didn't seem like a person who had a low and decided to take his life. To me, he reminds me of the center person that they followed in the documentary The Bridge (documentary about people who take their lives by jumping from the Golden Gate -- it's on Hulu.com for free, please go watch it) -- the guy they follow through the entire film and keep going back to was chronically depressed and always knew he wasn't going to "make it" long in life. He always referenced suicide and said that's how he would die. His family had even come to terms with it... Hearing more about Kurt really reminded me of this...

Also I learned that just a few months before Kurt's death that while in Rome with Nirvana he took 20 Rohypnol pills and washed them down with a bottle of champagne; citing Shakespeare in his suicide note. 2 things -- why Rohypnol?!! And if you're a druggie who has been contemplating suicide your entire life, you should have "known better" than to use Rohypnol. Though it seems like it was a legit attempt at suicide, at the same time, I can't imagine that he was serious...

Then again... I don't know Kurt.

Moving on... (otherwise I'll talk about this book and the ins and outs of it forever...)

Something strange about yesterday's events was that while I was waiting for Jennifer to get her lunch break I was sitting at a table reading my new book, listening to my headphones with three beverages in front of me... random people kept sitting in the chair across from me.

Now, I've said before and I'll continue to say many, many times here-over, I AM ALL ABOUT MANNERS! Perhaps in those manners would be "do not sit with strangers". An amendment to that would be to at least ASK the stranger before plopping down in front of them.

It's no secret that I've been depressed the past few days and by wanting to go out to the mall and be *near* people - that was my way of not... shall we say... going off the deep end. But, that doesn't mean that I wish to sit with people!

For those who don't know me, you should be made aware that I basically keep to myself. My phone doesn't go off much - it never rings - and I'm not the person who stands behind you in the line at Target and makes conversation. While I am very friendly, I don't go out of my way to be social. If you ask those who I am close with - they will tell you that I am pretty quiet. (Other than my loud music... but hey, that drowns out people talking.)

Unfortunately, I feel like my online persona is much more interesting than I really am in real life. Yes, when I'm with the boys I talk and engage... but that's probably a different thing for a different day... they're a rare exception to most rules, I've found.

Regardless, I found it to be quite rude that these strangers sat with me. More than one person on more than one occasion! I ended up pulling the chairs in very close to me and sticking my feet on them. No, you may not sit here.

As I said in a blog entry, probably dated back in September... my manners are almost to a fault at times. There are times when I shouldn't be so capped by them... but I find it best to have too-good of manners than too few.

At least I know that's something that my children will have -- good manners. Unruly children are absolutely frightening. Don't you know that your children are a reflection of you?

...I suppose I should stop there...

Plans for this week:

Get over it.
Move on.
Start diet.
Find other meanings to life.
Contemplate new hair colors.
Remember to blog.

Picture of the Day:

[Insert Depression Here]

This day wasn't supposed to start out badly. It just sort of developed that way. It's not even noon and I already know that this day is a scratch.

Unfortunately I committed to making this blog entry every day of April... I shouldn't have done that.

Phone is off and I've closed Facebook down to just the minimum. Anything else goes astray and Facebook is gone. The one thing that kept me on Facebook for the longest time was the fact that my photography page is linked to it and there's nearly 800 people attached to that. It would be irresponsible and wasteful for me to give that up... but at this point, I'm not ruling anything out.

There's so much that I realize and that I'm aware of and people just don't SEE that. The fact that I see it when I'm in it -- shouldn't that make it that much more impressive? But no... nothing can impress you. I do try.

It's exhausting to be what everyone wants me to be all the time... to not have a place to hide... And for those who say "just be yourself"... trust me... you don't want to see that. So I portray the image of myself that you expect or what you think I am. It's not a lie -- it is ME... it's just a very diluted version, I'd say. I suppose we all do it to one extent or another.

It's times like these that I fight it and try to go against the grain... "what's in it for me?" "why am I here?" "what's the point of it all?" "I give up."

It doesn't really matter anyhow. This is one big game and one giant charade.

The ones listening are just waiting for the sound of my fall.

Goodnight.

The Changes That Go 'Round

"Do you love me babe? What do you say?

Do you love me babe? What can I say?"

It's been a long while.

I always feel bad and end up apologizing after I haven't been around for a while... I'm too nice.

I just got back from SBL ATX and two Mechanical People shows... to which, now I am bruised and still exhausted. Honestly, I'm scared for tour. Though, this tour will hopefully be easier than the others because I'm trying to lose a good chunk of weight before it starts.

My weight is something that I've battled for so many years. Believe it or not, I was once underweight. Now, of course, it's no secret and I don't hide the fact that I am overweight. (I also know that's an understatement, however, I hate the other word...)

Fortunately I have good people around me who are always willing to either help me lose weight, try to motivate me or to just offer their love and support to me no matter what size I am.

While on the road I always end up losing a ton, which makes me happy. I just plain don't have time to eat and since I'm always on the go I burn a lot of calories... on the last tour I lost 15lb in 8 days. That didn't suck. I tried to keep it off - and I did for a while - but I got depressed and my weight ballooned again.

Regardless... I'm excited to start this new venture towards weight-loss. I *was* trying to get Lap-Band for the longest time, but unfortunately that just doesn't seem like it's going to happen. I'll try a few more things before I go rob a bank to save my life. (No credit = no Lap-Band for me.)

Right before I start new weight-loss things I always end up yapping about them tons. I just get overly excited for everything and all the brand new possibilities... No harm in being excited, right? ;)

Have you had a problem with your weight? What has worked/not worked for you? How do you cope with it? How does it make you feel?

Please respond. I would love to hear from you. :)

Noticed

"I pity the fool that falls in love with you..." 

This will hopefully be a good month. I got a bunch of ducks lined up in a row... I guess that means I need to get out my pistol then... isn't that how I win the giant ass panda?

I get to see some friends, some boys, hear some good live music... I am looking forward to most of it. :) There will be a few things and key ingredients missing from the festivities, but... I'll manage.

Tomorrow I'm going out to buy a pair of heels.

Very specific reasoning, but I actually haven't worn heels in nearly 2 years. Why am I changing that now? I just bought a corset and the way that I first want to wear it didn't seem very "Converse".

I used to live in heels... I've gone back and forth about them for many, many years. The reason I stopped wearing them was because I was self-conscious of my height. (It makes me feel... weird... to be taller than some men...) I went through a period where that didn't matter to me and I lived in them. I used to go to the grocery store in them... everything.. all the time.

When I moved from Kansas City I took three pairs of shoes with me. I'm a simple girl now... but Micky bought me a dress for Christmas, one that requires heels and then I started looking for new ones again... so now that I'm going heels shopping tomorrow I'll be able to have more options from my closet. :)

A bit of travel at the end of this month. First Austin in like, 12 days to go see Mechanical People... turn around and come back to Houston and then turn around and go back to Austin for the SBL show on the 26th. From there we're going to Dallas to see Mechanical People again...

That's the one I'm looking forward to... even though it'll be another "goodbye" until I see those boys again at the beginning of May, I'm excited to see my step mom.

I haven't seen my step mom since... maybe July of last year...? If my memory serves me right. I only saw my dad once or so last year... meanwhile... don't make me put the number of times I saw my boys up. That would be bad.

What's terrible is that I keep in correspondence with those boys better than I do with my family. I feel guilty about it sometimes... but then... it's a two way street.

My step mom did seem excited about my book, though... that makes me very happy. I'm excited to receive it. Should be another week. I heard that they're being "processed and printed" right now.

Maybe tomorrow I can also look into getting my new tattoo... :) That could be fun. I have to find a new place here in Houston for ink. I hate finding new places... unfortunately, none of my Houston friends have tattoos. :-/

I'm trying to talk my step mom into coming to the Dallas show. That could be a lot of fun for us. I tried to explain Mechanical People to her... "it's got two people from the Stevedores in it... you remember the Stevedores, right? That one CD I gave you? Yeah. It's got their drummer and guitarist in it. It's amazing. You'll love them."

April will be good... but y'all don't want to hear about that.

May. Lord... here we go again. My plans are already starting to overlap. So... yay...? At least I'll be busy. May until... who knows when... The rest of my year is stuffed full of plans...

I'm ready to get moving, but so many things are holding me back.

Pop Into My Head

"Time heals the wounds but then there's still a scar."




It's been a busy bit of time for me lately, so I apologize for the lack in update. Isn't that stupid that I feel I must apologize to my blog for lack of update? Yeah, that's dumb.

In the time from last we've spoken I made a book. (Read about it here: www.jodieplatzphotography.com - I'm a dot com now!!!!)

I just actually released it to the printers today and I should have my copies ready to autograph and ship out by next week. This book was an amazing and heartfelt process - however, the purchase part really threw me for a loop.

I've said time and time again that I don't want to be friends with people who only care about me for the art that I create - to that I had friends that told me they don't "care" about the art I create, that they love *me*... to that I felt... well... loved. :) That was the point, right?

Except my book was released and no one I talk to on a daily basis (or even weekly basis) bought one. Now, just because you're my friend doesn't make that an obligation by any means. It just kind of shocked me that NONE of them bought one. (And only one or two of them even said "congrats" or "I'm proud of you".) It's really making me question some things.

You know what? I'm not going to bitch here or start anything... that's not the point of this. I am so very HAPPY that fans and strangers bought my book!! These are people who don't have any knowledge of what I'm like behind closed doors and yet they want to own a piece of me... that's absolutely amazing and I am so entirely grateful for each and every sale that I made.

Speaking of sales, I want everyone to know that this book was not made so I could turn a profit. It was made because I loved it and I felt like it was a good time to release it and share it with the world. I wanted something hard and concrete to hand my fans of my photography. Something to warm your coffee table. ;) I honestly made an embarrassingly small amount off the book.

For me, art has never been about money. Would I like to make a profit off of what I'm good at creatively? Yes. I would appreciate that. However, I feel so guilty taking money from people when I feel so good about doing it.

I need to perhaps change that, though... just thinking aloud here... don't mind me.

My desktop countdown tells me its 15 days until I see The Bens again. :) This makes me super happy. [censored message about ATX SBL just a few days after that...] and then we're going to Dallas to see Mechanical People again. I can't wait to see Jake! :)

...speaking of Mechanical People... I ordered their CD set and I think they may have gotten smashed and went to Canada and forgot to send it. (I say that precisely as the mail man pulls up... hah!)

I've been listening to a lot of Frank Sinatra lately. <3

I hope to get a new camera here in a month or so...

...also need a new computer...

There's not enough money in the world. Seriously. :-/ Another reason I should start charging for my services.

Mail trucks look so disorganized... but somehow they usually deliver all the mail... heh.