Flash Forward & Rewind: One Year

Over the past several months I've sat and thought a lot about how drastically my life changed in the past year. I went through unbelievable amounts of heartbreak and loss (on many levels), only to turn a corner and find myself pointed 90 degrees in another direction.

I spent the summer of 2011 on the road to photograph 100 Monkeys. All the way from Ohio on the first date of their tour, through Florida and the south, the midwest and then the entire west coast, all the way through to their last show. Our friendships spanned across new bridges, and as we grew closer we finally decided that it was the right time to release a photobook together.

In the months that I spent photographing them last summer I met some of the most amazing people across the country. Some of the sweetest and most sincere people down in Florida and Alabama... (Roll Tide!) I met some people with deep pockets for drinking tabs in New Orleans (I have to stop going there...). I always meet great people in Texas, but I was sad to see it go, as it had been my home for the previous 6 months.

Then, midway through the tour, I ended back up in Kansas City for the first time in exactly a year. I hadn't seen my mother for the whole year and she came out to shoot the 100 Monkeys show with me that night. (I scored her a photo pass and I got to introduce her to the band. I was glad that I could make that happen for her.)

100 Monkeys was traveling with two of their own opening acts, Bleeding Horse Express and The Kissing Club, and each night I would wonder if the show would feature a local opener. On the nights when there was not a local opener I would leave the night with just some numbness from working the show (standing for hours upon end, hauling camera gear, rocking my face off, etc.). And on the nights when there was an additional band on the bill I would leave the venue barely walking (and not always just because of the whiskey).

I remember the very first thought I had when I looked on stage and saw an unfamiliar drumset in front of me.

"Fuck." I thought to myself.

A fourth band. 

I had been on the road for a month and on my feet so much I'd worn holes in the soles of my shoes. I was standing at the front of the stage with my mother and she was testing her camera settings and her flash when she took this test shot of the opener's drumkit to check her exposure. It turned out cool, so I told her to keep it.

The next couple hours are a little hazy. I had taken a few pills to help the pain in my back and legs and... let's just say... I became one with rock 'n roll.

I've seen a lot of opening acts in my day. Some much better than others. I usually don't pay attention to them because they can't keep my attention while I'm sitting there waiting for the show to get on so that I can take my pictures... but within the first line of this band's song I turned to the people who I knew around me and I said, "Holy crap! They're actually good!"

I never did meet the opening band, or really remember much about their music other than the fact that I liked it, but I knew that I liked it so much that I took my phone out and liked their Facebook page while I was at the show. (And I'm stingy as fuck with my likes.)

Flash forward a year from that date and here I am living in that very same band's house.

It truly is amazing and humbling to see just how fast your life can change so drastically. I went through some life-altering, drastic changes on that tour... This summer I assumed I would be on the road again, following 100 Monkeys to their next destination, drinking whiskey with friends and talking Bic lighters.

Now, 100 Monkeys has split as a band, I'm the tour manager for Not A Planet and while I'm still drinking whiskey with my friends, my future of Bic lighters looks burned out.

I could go on talking about Not A Planet forever... but I'll save some more of that for later. ;)

P.S. Now that drumkit makes me super happy. :) 

I Understand.

I used to think (and tell myself) that if I was skinny/rich/beautiful/successful that I would be wanted and that a man would come to my side and want to be my boyfriend.

I am fine and happy and proud to say that I WAS WRONG.

While I have written out numerous reasons for why I am alone and forever will be, I can tell you that nearly none of them have anything to do with the fact that I am not skinny/rich/beautiful/successful.

Being skinny/rich/beautiful/successful does not make you wanted. It gives you a validation for why people would want you... and really, if they just want you because you are skinny/rich/beautiful/successful, why would you want to be with them anyhow? You wouldn't. (Well, I wouldn't. I won't speak for you.)

Recently a few friends of mine have asked me, "have you seen [insert TV show here]?" I reply a flat, "No." "WHAT?!! Why not?! It's amazing." That's fantastic. I'm glad that you have time to watch fantastic TV. I watch reruns of Ugly Betty before I go to bed while I'm still sending out emails. I do not have time to watch television and most days I don't have time to even "check" Reddit.

If I can't find just a few minutes to myself to watch the newest episodes of Hell's Kitchen or to go look at cats and trees on Reddit, why should I subject myself to a relationship? I barely have time to take a bath without being rushed, to return all the emails that I need to return or to work on my friendships that I have... so why would I ever want to start dating?

I see what my friends in relationships go through. God bless them for having the strength to do so, but fuck. I like my alone time. To me, it seems like they're never alone.

People keep trying to tell me that I will grow out of this. They try to tell me that I will meet that "special" someone and everything will fall away and nothing else will matter on the earth.

They're full of shit.

I will always be selfish. I will always have my abandonment issues. I will always want to travel and wander and surround myself with the boys in the band.

The only thing that I might miss? I like to kiss. Sometimes it wouldn't be so bad to have someone to kiss. I just don't want to have to deal with all the emotional baggage that comes with anything more than that.

All of this is trivial and pointless. In the end, none of it will matter anyhow.

I am fine and perfectly content with being eternally lonely.

Consider it a life choice. A choice to be alone in a world full a people who are together.

Girl On The Go: Life As A Girl On Tour

Being the only girl on tour has its pros and cons (just like everything else in life.) This post is something that I've wanted to write about for quite some time but I just didn't have enough to say (or enough balls) to post it yet. 


There's without a doubt more men than women in the entertainment and touring industry. Here's my perspective on the pros and cons to being the only girl touring with an all male rock band. (Trust me, it's heavy on the pros.)

[It's not generic; it's pretty specific to my experience traveling with this band.]

Pros
-I can be what they need me to be when they need me to be it. 
I don't know if this has anything to do with my sex or if it's just who I am by nature. I've always been a different person to everyone else and that definitely doesn't stop when I'm with the band. Each member gets a different side of me. I won't give away what I do that's "special" for each of the boys, but I definitely treat them all differently. I believe that you have to - if you treat everyone the same you're never going to make anyone happy. I tailor myself to each person, because each person is different. 

-I am a sister, a confidant, a friend, a bitch, the weatherman, I coddle when I need to, I am firm when necessary, I'm a drinking buddy, I'm a bad influence, I'm the voice of reason, I am logic, etc. ;)
-music everywhere all the time
Do you know how much musicians love music? I know that sounds like a redundant question, but there are times when I get serenaded with brand new songs that don't have names yet, or interrupted because Fergie just came on the radio and it's sing-along time. Late night jam sessions with the people we are staying with is my favorite, though. :)


-when we make a pit stop I get to go to the bathroom alone
This is amazing. I cannot tell you how happy I am to be a woman at that time. When you're stuck with people 24/7 it's nice to be able to pee in private. (I guess the boys aren't so lucky on this one... tough shit.)


-they're loyal as fuck.
In simple terms: they are smart and good people. Loyal to those that they love.  


-they take care of me when I party hard
I know that they've all got my back (as I, of course, have theirs) and that any one of them would hold my head, my hand or hold me up if I needed them to. (And they have.)


-they care about me 
When I have a bad day they ask me what's wrong and let me talk it out with them. They were there for me to talk to them when 100 Monkeys broke up. When they meet the people from my life they talk to them and show interest in them... they put up with me when I reference my experiences with 100 Monkeys (which is, unfortunately, more than I should -- but it's where I got the most experience from... so hey, whatcha gonna do?!!)

-snuggles 
I made a big mistake on the last tour when the band found out that I can't stay mad at any of them if they hug me. Big mistake. But... I must say that getting hugs on the regular is one of the best parts of my job. I thoroughly enjoy my after-show snuggles from each boy. Plus when I'm sad (or mad) there's nothing better in the world than hugging someone you care about.

Cons



-boys are loud. 
I can't sleep unless it's very quiet, so needless to say I rarely sleep in the van. (Hence why I got 8h of sleep total this past weekend when we had 2 shows.) I'm not upset; just like it's my priority to make them eat food before I do - they need more sleep than I do. Their jobs are harder and more draining than mine is. It's my job to take care of them. 


-I don't sleep a lot.
This doesn't really have much to do with the boy/girl factor as much as it does about touring in general. Of course there's rarely time to sleep when you're on the road, but then the time that we do have to sleep is usually with people who are strangers to me. I have a really weird hyper sense of manners (which I've written about previously) and it takes me a very long time to feel comfortable in someone else's home. [I have only ever found 2 exceptions to the rule.] So, I often feel extremely strange. Luckily, I am very comfortable with my boys, so that often helps me slightly. I assume this will get easier over time. 

-boys are gross and do boy things and say boy things.
I know they censor themselves in front of me (as they flat out told me), but while I may be treated like "one of the boys", I will never act like one of the boys. 


-it's hard to do girl things.
I can't change clothes in the car, which, on previous tours, was where I did most of that. I got a playful teasing when I purchased tampons at a gas station. I have plucked my eyebrows in the van and they've seen me with no makeup, slept-in-day-old-hungover makeup and seen me put on my makeup (as I gave them shit and threats about hitting bumps as I'm putting on eyeliner); trust me I definitely have no illusions left. 


-my emotions 
I'm an emotional person. I see Hallmark commercials and I cry. I see a cute puppy and I have to point it out. Yes, I'm a total girl 100% of the time. I like pink, rainbows, glitter and Lady Gaga. ...these are the things that I [try to] keep to myself when I'm with the band. (Except I still point out all the puppies.)

My boys are absolutely amazing. Not only are they more talented than I can express with words (I only have faces and noises for that sort of explanation), but they are genuinely great people. They're kind, thoughtful, cleaner than I imagined, less smelly than other bands (*cough*), and a whole bunch of other sweet things that I won't say about them for fear of making their heads swell.


Pros and cons aside, I'm fucking lucky as fuck to be able to travel with such a great group of guys. They make the work feel less like work and more like awesome. 

Girl Vs. Corset

Something that I haven't talked about very much in a public forum is my love and adoration for corsets. Waist training is something that I haven't done very long (less than one year), but something that I truly enjoy.

Although, it's not all bunnies and butterflies; I truly dislike how it turns my big boobs into HUGE boobs that I feel come up to my neck... I also dislike how it somehow makes me feel fatter instead of thinner... (I think that has something to do with the fact that my boobs are up to my neck; I can clearly see that my waist is, in fact, smaller... so it's nonsense that I would feel that way.)

Wearing a corset is not for everyone. My best friend won't even consider it. Many people who have never put on a corset think that it must be painful or uncomfortable. It truly isn't and the best way that I've heard it described to me that I can put it is that it feels just like a hug. (It does!)

The only thing that is uncomfortable is lacing it yourself (which gets easier with practice), and constantly sitting up straight when it uses muscles that have been lax for years. (Which, also, gets easier with practice.)

I haven't laced in 2 months. I was on tour for a few weeks (and then I was lazy for a few weeks). I had considered continuing my lacing on tour, which I'm glad that I didn't. The road is definitely not a place for it. Sitting for hours and hours in a corset in a van would have been dreadful.

Today. Laced. Starbucks.

What are your thoughts (or experiences!) on corsets and lacing? :)

Photographers Are Fish, Too.

There's something to be said for how much I'll go through for something that I love. Today's topic: photography.

What a lovely, and yet simultaneously, painful subject for me.

First let me start by saying that 90% of my photography experience has been positive. Also, at the same time, 90% of my photography experience I have not been paid for.

Photographers, as I see it, are a lot of fucking fish in a big ass pond. (For the sake of this blog I will pretend that the different species I am about to name do not know whether they need to live in freshwater or saltwater in order to survive; that's not the point.)

There's some tiny minnows, which are the people who take a camera with them - nail the lighting in one photo - all their friends on Facebook say, "OMG. What a great photo! You should be a photographer!" And bam-presto - they create a Facebook fan page which they will beat their friends down with until they all "like" it as they post photos of poorly compositioned flowers, and their nieces and nephews for everyone to see - all the while calling themselves a "professional".

Goldfish, I'd say, are the people who really are good at taking photos, but perhaps never really attempt to tap into it as a career, thus, their photography moments are short-lived.

The Angelfish is the hobbiest... enjoying taking photos, probably very good at it, but is either smart enough to have a career in which they get paid lots of money, or knows if they were to monetize photography it might lose its passion.

Clams, starfish, crustaceans; all consistent in their photography, perhaps working as a wedding photographer or for a portrait studio.

The piranha... one word: paparazzi.

The humpback whale is more interested in the artistic aspect of photography than making monetary gain from their work, however, they'll eventually get featured in a gallery somewhere and go on to make a great name for themselves.

Dolphins are photographers who possess talent but lack footing or are, perhaps, too nice. Dolphins want to be sharks, but don't want to bite.

Sharks: the biggest, the baddest, the best. The ones who make money, are good at it and are good at photography.

Several people have tried to tell me that I'm absolutely crazy for doing as much as I do for no pay. However, if I were to have demanded that the bands I shot paid me, I more than likely would have never gotten to shoot them. In turn, I never would have been able to deliver those photos to fans, making them happy and thus, creating a following for myself. I never would have been able to put those photos into my portfolio or use their bragging rights in my resume.

If I would have charged for the first wedding that I shot (which was of a friend from my childhood and I did it for free as her wedding gift), I probably would not have booked the shoot. I then would not have any wedding photos to include in my portfolio and therefore could lose out on other, perhaps paying, gigs from brides who want a photographer who has shot more than just rockstars in random states.

Every now and then I go into a spurt of releasing a new special which is exquisitely priced, I release a photo book (which I make pennies on because I'd rather people hold my art than pass it up because it's priced too high) or I all around try to make a few dollars because it's frustrating to not.

I am still using the first camera that I ever got because I cannot afford a new one, though I have outgrown this one ten-fold. I have managed to earn enough money from time to time to buy new lenses, a battery grip, a BlackRapid, etc. But each and every dime that I accumulate goes back into my photography.

The way I see it is that if I put my name out there enough eventually someone will see my work and seek me out; if not, at least I've created a following who will hopefully RT links and thus bring in more followers, who will hopefully eventually seek me out for something... and if that doesn't work, each and every thing that I have done looks great on my resume - which could potentially land me a job somewhere.

There's several things that I would change if I had it to do all over again. I will not name them as I try not to have regrets or recognize them; I just learn and push forward.

Unfortunately for me, I chose what some believe is the hardest genre of photography: music. There's hardly any money in it... but my god it's fun. I truly would not trade it for anything in the world.

If you wouldn't do your job for free - you shouldn't be doing your job. Do something that makes you happy.

...Also, if you read this and you want to give me a job... let's go. jodie.musicfirst@gmail.com

Abandonment

I will keep this short; I have abandonment issues. My mother left me when I was 3, my father always has been distant... I raised myself. I did okay, but how much can an 8 year old know about anything?

People always pack up their bags and leave me. Friend and boyfriends/girlfriends leave at the drop of a hat without a word or so much as a "goodbye, I am leaving you."

I constantly have my heart walked on and tossed through a blender.

I am sure (positive of it) that I do something to cause them leaving me - possibly by walking into every friendship/relationship I have with the knowledge that they will end up leaving me in the end.

Truth is, in raising myself and spending most of my life alone, I fear that I do not know how to conduct a relationship with a human.

A few months ago I realized that however much I wanted my life to have a child in it, it would be incredibly selfish. I may consider adopting eventually.

A few weeks ago (which has then be verified from actions from this morning and this evening) I realized that I do not know how to conduct a relationship of the romantic variety between myself and another person and therefore I am going to salvage my heart and the hearts of others by choosing to remain alone for the foreseeable future.

I have never been in love. I have never enjoyed kissing anyone. I have never felt like a magnet to anyone. I don't know if I am capable of feeling those things because of my emotional abuse and abandonment as a child.

I have explained this to everyone I have been in a relationship with... They still eventually walk out of my life without a word.

I cannot handle getting abandoned any more.

I realize and am more self aware than anyone will ever truly pay attention to; I am self destructive to the tenth power, I am often misunderstood, but let me tell you, I am the most giving and loving person of the people who love me - I think once they truly realize how fucked up I am, it's too much of a responsibility for them and so they boot.

Oh well.

I always see it coming.

I can attest art to it, right?

This was longer than I intended. I wrote this for me, not you. Sometimes I need to write in order to time stamp things in my life.

At this current moment my professional life seems to be going okay... So that must mean my personal life has to fall apart, right?

I try to hold everything together with superglue as much as possible.

Thanks for reading.

118 Songs Everyone Needs On Their iTunes

In alphabetical order here are 118 songs that I feel you can't live without/could benefit having in your life.

Download. Repeat. (Or listen to on YouTube.)

(Repeat 117 more times.)

Come back and tell me how they changed your life.

Enjoy. :)

1. We Need A Resolution - Aaliyah ...the beat on this song just makes me die and be happily reborn again.
2. My Same (Live) - Adele ...I absolutely adore singing along to this.
3. Potential Breakup Song - Aly & AJ ...guilty pleasure #1
4. Flavor Of The Weak - American Hi-Fi ... saw them in concert; my first legit mosh pit. I fell down and a cute guy picked me up. I love to blast this song and SCREAM it.
5. Wreck Of The Day - Anna Nalick ...I hate myself for not writing this song, but I love it (and her) so much. One of my top 5 favorite songs of ALL TIME.
6. We Used To Wait - Arcade Fire ...I listen to the entire Suburbs album front to back several times a week. Life changing. This album (in its entirety) has 56 plays on my iTunes.
7. Fake Tales Of San Francisco - Arctic Monkeys ...This song reminds me of so much... I sing it all the time (loudly) when I'm mad... "Oh you saved me, she screamed down the line, the band weren't very good and I'm not having a nice time!"
8. Bad Day - Asher Roth ...the first chorus; story of my LIFE.
9. Crank It Up - Ashley Tisdale ...I fell in love with this song. I won't lie. It's catchy as FUCK.
10. Head Full Of Doubt, Road Full Of Promise - Avett Brothers ...I have a tattoo that I'm getting that's relevant to a lyric from this song. THAT'S how much I love it.
11. Sail - AWOLNATION ...fell in love with it when I saw a video on Reddit of a breakdancer dancing see here. I had never heard the song or of the band before then... apparently they're a big deal. I like the ADD and kill myself part. Relates to me.
12. Channel Z - B-52's ...Cosmic Thing is one of the albums that I grew up on.
14. Feel Flows - Beach Boys ...makes me want to smoke weed.
15. Here Comes The Sun - The Beatles ...I'm not a huge fan of the Beatles, but I adore this song and a few others.
16. Moonlight Sonata - Beethoven ...Over 200 plays in iTunes. Sometimes I'll just sit there with it on repeat for hours and stare at the ceiling... or paint...
17. Alone - Ben Harper ...another life changing song. If you like this one, check out ANYTHING by Ben Harper.
18. Hypnotize - Biggie ..."Escargot, my car go..."
19. When The Lights Go Out" - The Black Keys ...I fell in love with them on the Black Snake Moan soundtrack... amazing... go see that movie, too.
20. All That I Need - Blind Melon ...can you ever go wrong with Blind Melon?
21. Family Reunion - Blink 182 ...You want to hear some curse words?! I once got asked to leave school for wearing a Blink "Take Off Your Pants & Jacket" tour shirt... Good times.
22. Call Me - Blondie ...I have this dream of having a high school acapella choir sing this song. I have it all arranged in my head.
23. Blind Willie McTell - Bob Dylan ...ever see "I'm Not There"? It was a miraculous film. Go.
24. The Wreckoning - Boomkat ...So thankful I haven't lost this song. Was once my theme song.
25. I Feel So - Boxcar Racer ...another once upon a theme song...
26. Be Gentle With Me - The Boy Least Likely To ...this song reminds me of driving through the Utah desert in 2009 and I could see EVERY star that there ever was. It was absolutely amazing and incredible. I pulled the car over to stop and take it in. It was the perfect weather and the perfect skyline.
27. Nine Sixteen - Bruno Merz ...I don't remember where I found this song, but it reminds me of endless roads while on the road.
28. See The Light - CCR ...come ON... repeat this song for a few days and you'll have a new perspective on your current problem.
29. Bend Over Beethoven - !!! ...I want to know who mastered this album; it sounds fuck-excellent.
30. Hang Me Up To Dry - Cold War Kids ...I can listen to this on repeat for about 5x and then I'm ready to move on, but the beat will stay with me for days.
31. Put Your Records On - Corrine Bailey Rae ...this song used to make me cry each time I listened to it.
32. Mr Jones - Counting Crows ...this song DOES make me cry each time I listen to it. Without fail.
33. Possum Song - Dana Falconberry ...absolutely perfect lyrics; it gives me chills each time I hear it. LISTEN RIGHT NOW. "How could I be lonely...?"
34. The Rat - Dead Confederate ...listen to it... and think about it.
35. Ain't That A Kick In The Head - Dean Martin ...It's Dean Martin!!!!
36. Grapevine Fires - Death Cab ...I am trying to just pick one song per artist, which is hard to do with a band (my favorite band) like Death Cab... but this song evokes strong emotions in me; I can't say why... I don't know why. It makes me cry almost every time. I love it.
37. Rake's Song - The Decemberists ...I haven't met many of their songs that I didn't love, this song I have a strong conviction for. I love storytelling songs and things that have a beginning, middle and end... (like most Death Cab songs)... this song I fucking love and adore. (And my best friend has a strong conviction against it... which makes it even better.) The song is about killing your own children. You're curious now, aren't you?
38. Black Irish - Devil Makes Three ...this will forever remind me of the winding roads of California's path to the 101, but I fucking love it. Partly my motto.
39. Sultans of Swing - Dire Straits ...another band that I was raised on... this has the greatest guitar solo of all time. I will argue that to the death.*
40. Shake It Off - The Donnas ...if you don't like the Donnas, you should go die in a hole. They have a chick drummer and they're all hot as FUCK.
41. Love Her Madly - The Doors ...this song makes me happy. That's its sole purpose in life.
42. Watching The Detectives - Elvis Costello ...the only "Elvis" that I knew growing up. "She's filing her nails while they're dragging the lake"... best. line. ever.
43. My Dad's Gone Crazy - Eminem ...Can rap every word. Listen to the song & think about that.
44. At Last - Etta James ...I hate that she's passed... but... this has always been my go-to karaoke performance song... never fails to get them to pay attention. :)
45. I Need A Man - Eurythmics ...my go-to chick lead singer growing up. I used to listen to this at photoshoots when I was a kid. I still belt this shit.
46. The Take Over, The Break's Over - Fall Out Boy ...I don't care what people say; I fucking love FOB. Lyrical perfection. This song took me from "fan" to "obsessed".
47. Paper Bag - Fiona Apple ...another lyrical perfection. This song gets thrown on repeat a lot while I sing it in a happily and melancholy way. (Yep, you think about that for a while.)
48. Do You Realize? - The Flaming Lips ...I wanted to BE this song.
49. Gold Dust Woman - Fleetwood Mac ...I wanted to BE Stevie Nicks.
50. DOA - Foo Fighters ...I sing this motherfucker like I MEAN it. I play air drums to it... the intro is my favorite. :D
51. Just One Of Those Things - Frank Sinatra ...I'm glad we were never alive at the same time. I would have been a groupie for Frank.
52. Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand ...I will say this one more time... this song has the best tempo change in the history of music.
53. Queer - Garbage ...I wish I wrote this song. When this song came out I used to playsing it to my mirror with a hairbrush. Oh yeah.
54. O Shot - The Gay Blades ...Catchy as hell and I love guitar.
55. Something Kind Of Ooh - Girls Aloud ...I have a love affair with Euro-techno-pop.
56. Need - Hana Pestle ...it'll change your whole world. ...but don't listen unless you want to bawl your eyes out.
57. Barracuda - Heart ...I love anything by Heart. Don't diss Heart; they're great.
58. Bus Stop - The Hollies ...my number 3 favorite song. Makes me cry in the happiest of ways. I sing this like an adorable raccoon.
59. Miss Take - The HorrorPops ...bitch plays the upright bass, she's invited to my house to party any day. This song reminds me of my current events.
60. Curse - Imagine Dragons ...they JUST got signed to Interscope and are about to be huge after they play SXSW this March -- go listen now.
61. Cold in California - Ingram Hill ...a band that I have loved & known since 2004; they're country rock from Memphis and they give great fucking hugs.
62. Boy With A Coin - Iron & Wine ...How the hell do I explain them to you? They're great... they make me want to sell all my belongings and get in a car and travel the country without a cell phone as I just listen to their music.
63. Vertigo (If It's A Crime) - Islands ...I am [hopefully] finally getting to see this band perform in March and I might piss all over myself when I do. This is the greatest song in the world; 12 minutes and it goes by so fast... slide guitar. Go.
64. Sweet Baby James - James Taylor ...His voice makes me want to move to Colorado or back to Kansas... this song mentions my birthday. Can play on guitar. :)
65. 2 Many Hoes - Jay-Z ...it's fun to sing. The Blueprint 2 is my favorite... Jay-Z reminds me of driving around in my convertible Mustang when I was 18. Lord I thought I was the shit. ... (I wasn't.)
66. Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley ...I am only posting this because I know there is at least ONE person out there who hasn't discovered this song yet... seriously... go... you won't be sorry.
67. Prisoner - Jeffree Star ...he's got hot pink hair and tattoos. Listen.
68. Trash Me - Jessie Malakouti ...reminds me of my life here on the internet. It's catchy and poppy and awesome.
69. She's A Genius - JET ...this song makes me want to go into a rock club and do coke with strangers.
70. Take Me Home, Country Roads - John Denver ...there's a part in the bridge that I like to harmonize to. :D
71. Folsom Prison Blues - Johnny Cash ...Sometimes I'll just put on some Cash for a few days and turn off everything. Puts a lot in perspective.
72. California - Joni Mitchell ...when I listen to this song I feel there's nothing stopping me from getting in my car and GOING.
73. Didn't I - k.d. Lang ...she's pretty amazing live and this song is best played FUCKING LOUD.
74. Merry Happy - Kate Nash ...another Brit whom I adore... I love to sing this song in perfect rhythm and accent.
75. Settle Down - Kimbra ...currently my most played song in iTunes with 166 plays... and that's all happened within a couple weeks. I am obsessed with her.
76. Bloody Mary - Lady Gaga ...my friend told me she saw Gaga open for NKOTB during their first comeback tour... I punched her.
77. Love Me Or Hate Me - Lady Sovereign ...yet another Brit... I can and do rap each word in perfect accent... also, another theme song. :D
78. Since I've Been Loving You - Led Zeppelin ...this was my top played song on my last computer with nearly 800 plays. I listen to this when I write. Best guitar solo ever. Hands down.*
79. Take A Bow - Madonna ...another song for me to cry to. Lord, I remember when this came out.
80. Sweet Dreams - Marilyn Manson ...perfection. So fucking perfect I STILL hear it when people make me listen to the radio.
81. I Wanna Be Loved By You - Marilyn Monroe ...she's so gorgeous, even her voice is beautiful.
82. Bright Lights - Matchbox 20 ...this was my theme song before I left KC... when I saw it performed live I cried... boy, I cry a lot, eh?
83. Smells Like Teen Spirit - Meat Puppets ...COME ON!!!!!
84. Gold Guns Girls - Metric ...this song reminds me of one of my friends in a band.
85. Big Girl - Mika ...listen to Mika; everyone who I have introduced to Mika has been obsessed with him. He's adorable, he's gay, he's from Lebanon. Go.
86. Alcohol - Millionaries ...they're like The Oh Noz, but not as mean.
87. Peculiar People - Mute Math ...I saw this band open for Matchbox 20 (that time when I said I cried...) and I absolutely fell in love. Actually... what's stronger than that? I became obsessed over night.
88. Bang Bang - Nancy Sinatra ...I always wanted to do a photoshoot revolving around this song.
89. Lithium - Nirvana ...if you "know" me and don't know that I'm obsessed with Kurt and Nirvana, then you don't know me at all. Listen to everything they have. Don't waste any more of your life.
90. Faster Kill Pussycat - Paul Oakenfold ...put this song on repeat for a few days and you'll start to see glowsticks in your dreams. In a good way.
91. Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd ...to be played at my funeral. That's not creepy, right?
92. Drag - Placebo ...This song reminds me of every crush I've ever had.
93. My Leftovers - Porcelain & The Tramps ...my theme song for SO many years.
94. Such Great Heights - Postal Service ...another song that reminds me of another dude that I know in a band. Ffffffffuuuuuuu!!!
95. Exit Music - Radiohead ...did you know that I can't find any contact information for Radiohead ANYWHERE on the Internet? Frustrating. I want to shoot their band. This is such a great song.
96. I'm Shakin' - Rooney ...I have the OC to thank for introducing me to Rooney... and to many other bands (like Death Cab)...
97. Black & Gold - Sam Sparro ...My Brit friend sent me this many, many, MANY years ago... in 2007 when I went to record my album in LA it was the only thing that I listened to on the plane ride there and back... and then around 2009 I started seeing it pop up in commercials and movies. Made me feel like a hipster.
98. L.E.S. Artistes - Santigold ...another song for the repeat button.
99. Australia - The Shins ...my favorite song of all time. Ever.
100. Imma Tell - Tech N9NE ...KC rapper makes big. I used to record at the same studio as he. All the talent in the world got soaked up here.
101. Great Lakes - Telekinesis ...One of the coolest bands in the world. Listen to them and make your life happier. Seriously fantastic.
102. Classico - Tenacious D ...I want to meet Tenacious D. The Pick Of Destiny is one of the greatest movies in life.
103. The Way I Are - Timbaland ...Keri Hilson is one talented bitch and Timbaland is one of the coolest people that I've briefly encountered in person. This song kicks my ass. I want to get in Timbo's head.
104. Great DJ - The Ting Tings ...another band I was introduced to by my Brit friend before they were big in the US. Fantazzzmo!
105. Stupid - Toad The Wet Sprocket ...what does their band name mean? This is a band my mom and I share. Applies to life.
106. Pasties & A G-String - Tom Waits ...I PROMISE to one day to a burlesque routine to this. Mark these words.
107. Hollywood Chain Gang - Tony Lucca ...the only person I have ever fangirl'd to meet.
108. Oxford Comma - Vampire Weekend ...there's an internet meme going around now that is about an oxford comma... "who gives a fuck about an oxford comma?" I DO.
109. Take Me On The Floor - Veronicas ...I met these girls... crazy tiny Australians. I wanted to kidnap them and make out with them at the same time. Strange feelings are strange.
110. Bitter Sweet Symphony - Verve Pipe ...don't lie... this song is amazing.
111. Ride - The Vines ...fantastic guitar, fantastic bass drum... fantastic lyrics.
112. Seizure Boy - Watsky ...just Google this motherfucker and thank me later.
114. Hash Pipe - Weezer ...listen to this song really loud in your car with the windows up... you'll get high off the guitar and Rivers' voice alone.
115. Seven Nation Army - White Stripes ...the 2nd song I learned to play on the guitar.
116. Heads Will Roll - Yeah Yeah Yeahs ...I somehow always listen to this song on the way to the venue...
117. La Grange - ZZ Top ...The Oh Noz have threatened to cover this song.
118. Chokechain - 3OH!3 ...Johnson once asked me in a bar when 3OH!3 came on and I started dancing and singing all the words, "who are these guys? Are they big?" I didn't know if they were or not... but I think he liked them. Or something.

Your Rainy Day

I'm not scared to die, I'm scared that I'll never live, 

I refuse to be trapped like you, 

I refuse to be a martyr like you, 

I refuse to be used like you, 

I refuse to be desperate like you, 

Exhale you like a giant balloon, 

You made sure that I was the one who took the bruise, 

If you can't care for me when you tell me that you love me, 

Tell me how's she going to end up getting treated? 

You make me pretend that I care enough to care, 

Care enough to ensure your debt, 

Care enough to feel regret, 

Care enough to place your bets, 

I beg,

I beg of you, 

Don't use up your life and throw it away, 

Don't use up all your good on the one who won't stay, 

Don't use up all your pennies on the one rainy day

Wishes

I have said many times over that my motto in life is "be careful what you wish for" because it has always so closely played a role in my life.

I have had a lot to think about in the silence that has filled me since October.

Now I wish for things like ways to take it all back... To change the things that I said, to pray for different outcomes from particular events.

It would change who I am now, and while I have never been (and promised to never be) a person who would ever "regret" in life, there's something to be said about hating the way that you said or did something and the outcome it provided you.

I can continue to attempt to create an image for myself that is strong, careless and carefree but in reality I am weak, insecure and my mind is ridden, rotten and filled with crippling memories (both horrible and blissful) which keep me up at night and literally knock the air out of my lungs making it impossible to breathe.

As I have stated (and as many already know), I do not sleep. It's very rare that I can find peace in slumber, and even then, I am a lucid dreamer and my dreams are vividly real, though I am aware I am dreaming. It's quite draining. Often times I will awake and feel more exhausted than when I laid down to get rest.

What's the point?

Mitch Hedberg once quipped that he wanted to sleep when he went to sleep; he didn't want to have to build a boat with his ex-landlord. I feel that way.

My mind is constantly racing; adding, subtracting, organizing, writing, adjusting, fitting, expanding, hating, loving, loathing and turning. Can't I have a few hours of submission? Is that too much to wish for?

Lately my wishes have been on things I wish I would have done when I had the chance, unfortunately nothing I can share here, but should I have just imploded my life - everything that I have spent my existence working for - what shall I have to wish for next?

Shall I wish for the impossible? Wish for what I cannot have and what is unattainable? To turn back time and have another chance? No, that would be silly and wasteful of me. There are 2 things that I am not: silly and wasteful. I am practical and despise waste.

I know that I am wasting my time with the running tracks that overdub my mind, but just as my heart beats and my lungs take air without my permission, I cannot help it or stop it and even if I wanted to, I would never know how or even where to start.

In The Time...

...it takes me to sign into Blogger I forget why I even opened it anyway. Obviously to write a blog, but now I can't remember what about.

I just brewed a pot of coffee.

As I see it, if you can't beat insomnia, embrace it wholeheartedly. More time for work, anyhow. (And by "work" I mean "Reddit".)

The night is the hardest. It always has been. So much unknown out there - and don't get me wrong - I love the unknown. The unknown and the untraveled are the very reason why I even bother with so much that I do... but for the insomniatic, the unknown and the night are terrifying.

My thoughts flood me the minute that I lay down on my bed; the minute that I close my eyes... I am reminded of memories. The times that I laughed and was happy - I catch my breath for fear I will never have those experiences that made me that way again. ...I am reminded of the times that I couldn't catch my breath - the times that a simple touch, smile or inside joke was more than enough to sustain me - the wind is knocked out of me for the fact that I know that I don't have that and that I never will again (so far as I can see). ...I am reminded of the wrong that I have caused to people. All, honestly, unintentional - I catch my breath because if these people ever knew the amount and years of pain it has caused me, perhaps they would forgive me.

Perhaps forgiveness has already been granted. Perhaps I am not as thought of by these people as I once thought.

Who knows.

Sleep deprivation is writing this now. Sometimes it's better that way... better than the alternative.

About 2 years ago I wrote a blog in which I said that I had done wrong to some in my "past lives*" and however unintentional it was, I caused them pain that was unnecessary. I said how I was taking the steps towards being a better person.

I truly believe that I have lived up to that - however, we all make mistakes, and we all have to hurt each other.

So much of my life I have spent walking the fence; always fearing to take sides; always fearing to disappoint anyone or to side on anything...

I rode this fence and instead of speaking my mind and my opinion when I could (and probably should) have, I didn't. I ate it and sat there so as not to disrupt anything or anyone.

This was wrong.

In this process I have hurt people...

But then...

Sometimes you stand up for yourself, your beliefs and your opinions and you hurt people.

We all hurt people.

You've hurt people. You may have hurt someone today. Who knows... but you can be forgiven. If not, I know you can learn to move on.

Your best friend makes a cake and it tastes like shit - you tell him it tastes like shit and his feelings are hurt.

You work really hard on a photo layout and give it to your client - they tell you that they were thinking in going a different direction - you thought this layout was your Sistine Chapel - you are hurt by their words.

A stranger calls you "fat" on the Internet. You are, indeed, plump. You are hurt by their words.

A stranger calls your art "a disgrace". You believe them even though they are trolls. You are hurt.

You break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend and *mean* it when you say you want to stay friends. They are hurt.

...What are the alternatives to these things? No one can truly go through life without hurting anyone. It's life.

Alternatives?

Your best friend makes a cake and it tastes like shit - you eat it anyway and tell him it tastes good; your stomach aches for days and he raves about how he's the greatest baker since Julia Fucking Child. He makes more cake. You are obligated to eat it. ...it would have been easier to just tell him it wasn't great. Then he can get better.

You work really hard on a photo layout and give it to your client - they don't want to tell you that your work was not adequate for the account so they either; A: are pussies and can't man up and tell you, so they hire you and it flops. Or B: they just plain don't call you back and you always wonder if it was your work or something that you said or did in the meeting. ...it would have just been better for you to hear the truth - that way you can improve.

A stranger calls you fat on the Internet. Look... people are always going to troll. Some people just get off making fun of others and inflicting invisible pain. Note that 98% of these assholes wouldn't have the guts to say anything to your face. (I have met some... they hide behind their screens all day, but in fact it's just because they are insecure about themselves.)

A stranger calls your art a disgrace. Work harder. Your art is never finished... then again... neither are the trolls.

You don't break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend... you try to push through the relationship, but in the end you are unhappy and unfulfilled. When the break up finally happens, it's messy and your partner is mad at you for hiding this from them for so long - ultimately you don't get to keep them as a friend. ...it would have been so much better to just be honest at your realization moment instead of dragging something out. If you really can stay friends - friendship is better than nothing. Obviously this person meant something to you if you dated them in the first place.

So yeah... I have hurt people. People have hurt me. It's all recyclable and it's all normal. It doesn't make you (OR ME!) a bad, terrible, awful person. It makes you normal.

Everyone hurts people.

Sure, ignorance is bliss. ...and I enjoy my fair share of ignorance in the right place and time. There's some things that I prefer to be completely blind to (I won't discuss those here), but I love to hear all of the upfront and honest truth from my friends/family/lovers/etc.

I give my friends full permission to ridicule my work. Let me fucking have it. I've been working on a new project lately and I've recruited a couple friends (more to come in the later processes) to look over and proof my stuff... they tell me their opinions. I'd rather have my friends honest opinion knowing full and well that they love me no matter what versus my future employers full and honest opinion on the first day. It's much easier.

The long and short of this is that I hate that I've caused people necessary pain. Normal day-to-day shit. I hate hurting feelings. I'm terrible at it... look at me... I've had insomnia for years because this is the shit that keeps me up at night... this normal shit that everyone goes through and it bothers me so damn much that I hate to close my eyes.

I don't know if anyone else out there thinks these things or has these problems, but I just thought that I would finally get off my chest what's been bothering me for years.

In the coming new year I'm hoping to document in a notebook all the things that bother me about the ways that I've unintentionally hurt people and perhaps what the outcome would have been if I didn't and how I feel me hurting them perhaps bettered our situation... also, the ways people have hurt me, what the outcome would have been if they didn't and how I feel them hurting me bettered our situation. I think this will be cathartic and helpful towards loosening these thoughts that I have.

If you have any suggestions for sleep, insomnia, reciepes I should try, an example of "necessary" pain/hurt, etc... kind words, hate mail, etc. Leave it after the jump and I'll respond to as many as I can. :)

*past lives... In my mind my life isn't broken up into one consecutive thing... because I have so much memory loss of my past the different highlights that I can recall I remember as "past lives". Such as, my childhood (all four years or so that I can piece together), my teenage years (not much of that either), my early 20's (like shuffling through Justin Timberlake concerts and whatnot), and then the now. The "now" I refer to as the last three years of my life.

<3

8 Year-Old Self

Dear 8 Year-Old Self,

I won't tell you that you should change your plans, your mind, your friends or anything about your life, because how you turned out at 27 is pretty okay...

All those mistakes that you made are not things that you should regret, because they brought you to the places you are now.

No, you don't continue with modeling (though you often think about getting back into it). No, you're not rich or famous (though you do okay for yourself and a few people know your name). And no, you're not still friends with Bailey (but you absolutely adore the friends that you have. They're the best part about you).

Some things you should be aware of, though... I know you think that when you become a "grown up" that people will take you seriously, that people will listen to you and let you be whoever you want to be... That's only half true - so you should be prepared for that and start trying to grow a thicker skin now. (At 27 it's still not that thick.)

The thing is, even now you don't feel like a grown up; and you probably never will. Also, the grown ups are more grown up and they will never stop looking at you like a kid. That will never stop being frustrating... And there's nothing you can do about it. (No, seriously... I have tried... So stop trying and just swallow it, Jodie.)

You are gonna "grow up" and be something different. You will be happy, but it won't come easily like it does now.

It'll be okay.

People are going to love you for your mind and hate you for it. People will embrace your appearance and push you away because of it. It's okay.

Even if parents and people you thought would love you unconditionally decide they don't like you anymore because you have tattoos, curse and celebrate holidays with drinks --- that's fine. They are missing out. Those people are shallow to turn you away for things that are just on the surface of you. You are so much more than tattoos, curse words and beers. The people who can't see that are cheap.

And those people who tell you that they love you "unconditionally"? They don't. No one can love unconditional. Not even parents. If there is a god, only (s)he can love unconditionally. Protect your heart.

Your heart.

Love.

Love, boyfriends, etc... Turns out it's not as 'top priority' as you might think. Be patient. There's a few good guys out there and you NEVER want to settle.

Don't settle.

Ever.

For someone who likes to hold onto things so tightly, you have to learn to let things go.

That's the hardest one.

You can't keep everything... Or everyone.

Sometimes you have to get rid of the things you outgrow in order to make room for new things and new people.

Always grow... You'll grow tall, but you won't grow up.

Jo

...what would you tell your 8 year-old self?

Leave it in a comment after the jump!

27.

Thursday was my 27th birthday, a birthday I have anticipated for quite some time.

My birthday was extremely mellow this year. It wasn't terrible, though. I got cards from the most important people in my life, got a couple cool presents, ate sushi 2 days in a row, had drinks and had a good time. It definitely didn't suck. Of course, I can't not compare it to the year before, spending it with the boys... But... Well... At least I have happy memories to hold on to. :)

I now have an Instagram page if you're over there or interested. jodieplatz is my username.

I am on my 3rd cup of coffee and I am listening to Death Cab. It's a mellow, but good day. Later on I will be heading down to my favorite tattoo shop... We will see what comes of that. ;)

I thank each of you who supplied me with birthday wishes on the day... It made it quite lovely and enjoyable! I wished that I could hug you all, you beautiful people!!! <3

xojo

My Mirror Speaks

I suppose that it's almost that time; my birthday is in 3 days. I have attempted to not bother people too much with the count down to it as I usually do. I've always enjoyed the count down to my birthday, but this year I fear there would be too many people annoyed by the incessant reminder of it.

My birthday really is one of those things that makes me truly happy. Of course, I have never had a birthday as was planned. There's always been something that has gone wrong or awry in it and there's always been something that has made me cry or travel off course... though, it has just prepared me to plan better for the future birthdays.

This birthday shall be quite low key.

I had hoped to get a tattoo, but I will wait on that. I already have and/or know what most of my presents from friends are. My grandmother gave me $50 and a card at Thanksgiving because she missed my birthday last year. (I was living in Alabama last year... ...spent my birthday in Baton Rouge with the boys... one of the best birthdays that I've ever had - all because of the company.)

With the $50 I went a little shopping on Black Friday. It wasn't planned that way or anything. It was in the evening and I decided to go to Target for some makeup that I had needed - when I got to Target I remembered about the sales, took a look around and found an amazing leather bomber jacket for $15. I have needed a new coat for a few years and so I bought it. It turns out that panned out quite lovely since it ended up getting VERY cold and raining that night, which made me thankful that I had bought a coat. I ended up spending the rest of the $50 on the makeup that I needed... and beer. :)

For my actual birthday I'm not quite sure what I'll be doing (besides replying to Facebook birthday wishes). I know that I have a sushi date with Jennifer on that day... so I am very much looking forward to that. I think we're also going to have sake and champagne... so... fun, fun!

Saturday (the 3rd) I know we're doing the majority of the birthday celebration by going out... seeing a movie (I've already picked to see My Week With Marilyn again... it was amazing) and to drink a little bit. I've invited some friends that I haven't seen in a long while... I'm hoping that maybe one of them will come. One thing that I've learned about my birthday is to never let your hopes weigh fully on those who are able to attend. It seems that that's where I end up letting myself down and that's where I always end up getting sad.

Plan for the worst & be happy when it doesn't suck + alcohol = decent birthday.

My favorite thing about my birthday is turning it into a multi-day event. :) That's definitely the best thing about being a product of a broken home; I always got to enjoy a week long birthday celebration. My birthday (and I believe ALL birthdays) is too big to fit into one day - it must span at LEAST 3 full days. (Consecutive days.)

I'm sure I'll write another blog about how the actual birthday went... but for now, I'll zip my trap on babbling about the day. ;)

Today 100 Monkeys landed in Sweden (hey, I'm Swedish! I've never been to Sweden, though...) and tomorrow they start their first ever European tour.

While I couldn't attend, I'm definitely nowhere near as sad as I imagined that I would be. I've never missed a 100 Monkeys tour yet, but that doesn't even damper this for me because my heart is so absolutely swollen as I watch my friends accomplish their dreams. <3 The word "proud" doesn't even begin to cover it. The only bad part that I can see of this is that I won't be able to be with them on my birthday like I was last year... other than that... only amazing and prideful joy coming from me. ^_^

Moving on again...

I took a series of [pretty serious] photos yesterday. Inspiration strikes at the most random times... but when it does, you must grasp it fully.

I haven't been inspired lately. I haven't even really touched my camera in quite some time. Tyler Shields says that a camera is just a really expensive paper weight if you don't use it. I firmly believe and agree to that... but I'm not about to force anything. When inspiration strikes, I grasp it.

The title of this photo is called "The Mirror". I believe that it's something where everyone can relate to at least one photo.

And while this photo was not inspired by this song, this is my favorite song about mirrors:



Edit:

There's something quite amazing about mirrors. While they are an unpolished version of yourself, how your eyes perceive them and their reflection can always differ or censor. A photo, however... a photo can never lie. (Photoshop - THAT is the lie, not the photograph.)

Something to think on.

I hope that y'all had a good Thanksgiving (to those who celebrate it) and I hope that you're looking forward to and getting ready for December!

There's Only One November

20 days until my birthday...

It feels the same as it does every year that I count down to my birthday... I love it. The countdown is half the fun.

I'm not exactly sure what I'll be doing for my birthday. A few friends mentioned wanting to come to the city I'll be in and hang out/do birthday stuff. This would please me tremendously if they could work it out.

I can hope for it! *tries to think positive*

Big things happening... some I'll talk about - some I won't. (That's natural, right?)

I should be starting work on my very first solo album here in December. That... THAT pleases me more than almost anything. I need to get back to working on The Oh Noz! album, but now that Micky and I will be in different states again... well, oh well... ;) It'll just mean that I'll have to come back to Alabama to visit.

With the solo record... I can't even begin to explain to you how excited I am to finally start work on this. This, I feel, is my life's culmination. I've had so many "almosts" in my life.

I first started working with a producer and recording when I was 16... when I was 21 I was signed to a record label... 22 I was flown out to LA to spend a week recording a few songs with a hit producer... things crashed and burned from there (that's the short version of the story).

Then photography started being my main art... The Oh Noz! were created and all my energy has been put into that. I just haven't really thought too much about a solo EP/LP in quite a while...

Now that I have this opportunity - I'm grasping it and accepting it with both hands and I can't wait to share it with y'all.

...It almost seems a little ridiculous that it would take this long for me to get a solo album out. *scoffs*

Swiftly moving on and speaking of The Oh Noz!

Here's the latest Oh Noz! video to my favorite song off the ohmygod album, "Keep Your Mouth Shut (Famous)".



What does a photographer do when they need a photographer?

That's a hard thing.

Back when I was... *clears throat* ...engaged... to be engaged -- I had given a lot of thought into who I wanted to photograph my wedding. I narrowed it down to about 4 photographers that would depend on where exactly we were getting married... of course, my relationship ended, but here I am again in need of finding a photographer.

It's just something that is so incredibly hard to do.

If I had my pick on who I'd want to take my photo - I'd pick my friend/photographer Serenity. But, she lives hours and hours and hours away from where I'll be staying for the next few moons and so unfortunately, I don't think she'll be able to take my portrait for this project that I'm working on... which leaves me with finding someone commercially.

Le sigh.

I had an idea for a blog entry today and I couldn't remember it... just as I was typing that last paragraph I remembered what my topic was going to be... but now I feel that it's too late... yet here I am still sharing that information with y'all regardless. xD

I am a little more than excited to get back to a resting place for a hot second. I've been living out of the same suitcase since tour/July... I tend to mention that a lot... part of it is because I'm proud of that fact and the other part of it is that I'm still in complete disbelief that I have done that!

I'm looking forward to a bit of consistency in my everyday life... also, I'm looking forward to exploring... I'm going to try to go out more and meet new people... network some and meet new friends.

I have been feeling a little lost from the friends that I have/had. I won't share all my opinions on that openly in a public forum such as this, but I've had to draw back from a few people over the past few months because I was feeling under appreciated.

I don't really like to keep people around for the "what if"... "Oh, what if I need something from them someday...?" My mind doesn't work like that. If people don't talk to me, I don't feel the want/need to keep them around or to make space for them. I suppose I'd rather spend time focusing on people who make me a priority in their life.

It hurts me, though... because a lot of the times it seems like people never really notice or care when I disappear from their lives. It's not like I did it purposely in order to gain attention -- that's not it at all -- it's that I'm trying to keep my walls straight. My walls are there not only to keep people out, but to keep the people that I love in... when you pull back from me and you put some of those walls between us... well... I suppose that's all I need to say about that.

I am grateful for the people that I do have who love me and treat me well. I have 2 unconditional best friends/sisters when I thought that I was just lucky enough to have one... so I know that I must have done something right...

However, I can't help but think about those other people... I still consider them my friends - I'd still pick up the phone and talk to them if they called me -- I still hug them hello when I see them... I just... sometimes it's nice to feel important and wanted. I'm sure that's something that everyone can understand and appreciate.

I know that friendship comes in all kinds of different forms. Perhaps this is just the way that we are friends. I can live with that. :)

Let's end on a high note, shall we?

Have you got your Christmas list planned out? Why not run it by Santa himself?

http://www.santabot.com/ is a site where you can chat with Santa... I feel he's more realistic that its predacessor, Cleverbot. (http://www.cleverbot.com/)

Cleverbot just doesn't "get" me like Santa does.

Here's some new/up-to-date photos of me... these were spawned of boredom and too much time on my hands.

The editing that I did on them reminds me of the shots of the SNL host before they get back from the commercial break. xD That tickles me... (and it was unintentional)

The Right Atrium Of The Heart

Rigorous and treacherous, he's utterly reprehensible 

His actions and his words were mirrored, however indispensable, 

A priority in private, but a stranger to the world,

His faults were never sheltered; they're constantly unfurled,

By definition he was a sinner, but his eyes claimed him a saint, 

The demons of his muddled past had him perpetually in restraint, 

Being frequently surrounded left him feeling isolated, 

While the changeless atmosphere kept notion he was violated, 

With every new day that passes he is on the brink of his new threshold, 

And every night that sets upon him his loneliness grows by tenfold.

26 Days Left Of 26

What does it mean when you're older; are you wiser? 

Are you a better person now that you've circled the sun once more?

Does your skin change knowing you're one step further away from your birth date? 

Another anniversary of cake and candles left upon your plate,

How can you know when you're done becoming the person you were set to be? 

I don't know who I am so I keep changing to see if I like me, 

If I take a little bit from all the things that make me happy

And I set them all together I call myself a finished masterpiece.

Growing

There's a moment when the person you know starts becoming the person you knew, 

It doesn't matter anymore about where you came from or what you're going through, 

Life and status and bank accounts and accountability all don't matter, 

You were born from a silver spoon and I was raised on plastic platter, 

Your life and ribs and girlfriends and hair are all transparent, 

My scars and knees and loves and things are all of which can't exist, 

I'm proud of you for moving on, for picking up and moving out, 

I'm happy that I don't need to lean upon the green age of your heart, 

It's hard, I know, to trust another,

When we rest so easily to trust our own, 

It's needed though; to help to seed, to help to plant, to help to grow, 

It's good for you to stretch your legs, 

To get outside and flourish alone, 

With another, with yourself

Just remember you can always come home.

A Distraction

Yesterday was one of the worst days that I have had to face in a while... I wrote a blog about it all last night, but as I came closer to bed and the early pressing hours, I realized that it was not something that I should post on a public venue.

I received a lot of love on my Facebook page when I stated that I was upset because I was finally saying aloud what I had known for most of my life: I have no family. I raised myself... this is why I travel, this is why I cry... this is why I perpetually search.

This came about full circle when my plans for moving back to Kansas City went up in flames.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

No one is listening anyway.

Here's some photos that made me happy yesterday when I was depressed.

And for those who made it through all of that... yes, I'm still depressed... no, not all of my problems have been able to be solved. Yes, it's more complicated than I can express.

Tonight I'm going to a Halloween party. I plan on enjoying chemicals and alcohol fully whilst I dance around in a slutty outfit and hit on strangers... ROLL TIDE!!! I love Alabama! :)