Growing

There's a moment when the person you know starts becoming the person you knew, 

It doesn't matter anymore about where you came from or what you're going through, 

Life and status and bank accounts and accountability all don't matter, 

You were born from a silver spoon and I was raised on plastic platter, 

Your life and ribs and girlfriends and hair are all transparent, 

My scars and knees and loves and things are all of which can't exist, 

I'm proud of you for moving on, for picking up and moving out, 

I'm happy that I don't need to lean upon the green age of your heart, 

It's hard, I know, to trust another,

When we rest so easily to trust our own, 

It's needed though; to help to seed, to help to plant, to help to grow, 

It's good for you to stretch your legs, 

To get outside and flourish alone, 

With another, with yourself

Just remember you can always come home.

A Distraction

Yesterday was one of the worst days that I have had to face in a while... I wrote a blog about it all last night, but as I came closer to bed and the early pressing hours, I realized that it was not something that I should post on a public venue.

I received a lot of love on my Facebook page when I stated that I was upset because I was finally saying aloud what I had known for most of my life: I have no family. I raised myself... this is why I travel, this is why I cry... this is why I perpetually search.

This came about full circle when my plans for moving back to Kansas City went up in flames.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

No one is listening anyway.

Here's some photos that made me happy yesterday when I was depressed.

And for those who made it through all of that... yes, I'm still depressed... no, not all of my problems have been able to be solved. Yes, it's more complicated than I can express.

Tonight I'm going to a Halloween party. I plan on enjoying chemicals and alcohol fully whilst I dance around in a slutty outfit and hit on strangers... ROLL TIDE!!! I love Alabama! :)

A Sledgehammer To The Face

So... I read a book. Well, to be honest, I read the majority of a book... for those of you who know me (or have read about me in interviews or what-have-you), you should know that I do not often pick up a book. I feel that I quite often do not have a lot of time to read and that when I do feel like reading, there is not often things that interest me enough to read 300 pages of it and even less often will it be something that will hold my goldfish of an attention span.

I read a small book (about 170 pages) called He's Just Not That Into You. Many have heard of this book, or at least heard of the movie that followed. I can now say that I'm one of those people who states things like, "the book was so much better than the movie." Ugh. I hate to say it, but it was true.

I didn't realize when the movie came out that it was based on a self-help book. I didn't realize how much this book could help my *self*.

There were moments in it that I wanted to slap myself with epiphany... moments in it where I wanted to cry from realization of past flame's... moments where I laughed aloud at the fact that I had ever been so stupid...

I highly recommend this book to everyone. Male, female - doesn't matter. Everyone should read this book. I think it should be taught in schools... I could have saved 10 years of horrible dating experience if I had read this book when I was 16.

These realizations are not easy to come by to say, "oh wow... yeah... he just wasn't that into me..." But I say, "well, that sucks." And now I move on. At least it is no more time wasted on someone who wasn't willing to waste their time on me...

And as the book says, I deserve better. :)

Go read this book!

Head Full

I was sitting here thinking about preparing for SBL... How on earth do you prepare for an event that truly moves people to tears, brings friends together time and time again and quite literally changes people's lives?

Well, first of all, you start by making a decision with how you're going to wear your hair.

I am embarking on what will be my 5th Spencer Bell Legacy concert next weekend and this is my 2nd time shooting it officially. (I'm the photographer for the SBL's that take place in Michigan, but I am not the official photographer for any traveling or affiliated SBL's. Consider me the official photographer of the flagship SBL. xD)

There's a lot of check lists that need to be crossed off before I can get in a car with my friend and head up to Michigan...

First of all, I wasn't joking when I said that I had to decide on how I was going to wear my hair. I was thinking of posting a few photos that had inspired me for haircuts, but I think I'd rather surprise everyone. (I'm sneaky like that...) Also, I'm considering a coloring venture... we'll see what ends up happening.

I need to decide on outfits. I'm still stuck with the clothes that I originally packed for the tour back in July. Yep. It's October now. Nope. I don't have a coat or a jacket. Yes, I am going to Detroit, Michigan. Yes, I plan on just pretending to convince myself that I'm warm.

I'll be back in Kansas City soon, it seems... I need to start planning that out. While that doesn't directly involve SBL... it somewhat does in my mind.

I have 441 photos to edit before I leave for Michigan...

I have a shot list to compile in my mind from the provided bands...

I have to find and get a print of each 100 Monkeys member for the SBL raffle that they'll be having this year... shit... I have not done that yet... I don't even have a clue as to which photos I'd like for copies... I need to do that when I'm editing those 441 photos, I suppose...

You know... to some people I may seem like an extremely disorganized person, however, I'm incredibly organized and organized with my time. I may have a week and a half to complete all this, but more than likely I'll use about three or four days of the time to do it. I tend to work better under pressure. My ADD seems to understand me better then.

I think I'm just typing because it's giving me something to do... I can't sleep lately. I haven't been feeling well... My head is full. My stomach is achey. I'm stressed, worried and anxious...

Oh well... off to Netflix. If you have any Netflix movie suggestions, please leave them in the comments!! I need some new stuff to watch!!

Thanks and I hope to see y'all at SBL!

Homesick?

The past week or so I've been feeling an indescribable feeling of longing, loneliness, and just that something is missing from me.

I've been asked many, many times if I ever get homesick.

The answer to that is simple: no.

I can explain several reasons for it... first of all - I don't technically have a home. (I am on the road, traveling and crashing with friends far too often to call anywhere my "home".) Secondly, I've never felt like I ever had a home.

Even for the years that I lived in one constant place - I'd leave the house and beg my best friend to go to a bar or to the casino or a 24h diner just because I didn't want to go "home".

I've never felt like I belonged anywhere... other than the road.

Many people have told me that "home is where the heart is..." which was not a phrase that I understood completely until a year or so ago. Lately, as I've been talking to Jennifer on the phone and whatnot - with each conversation there comes a point that I would end up crying over something out of my control... the feeling of loneliness and the burden of being out of control is/was just getting to be too much for me.

I thought that perhaps I was homesick... missing Jennifer, my dog, my boys... to which, I am homesick in that aspect. I haven't seen my dog since the beginning of August... I haven't seen Jennifer or the boys since tour ended - and while there are always emails, texts and phone calls with the people that I miss - there is nothing quite as comforting as a hug. (Thankfully I'll get to hug some of these people in another week...)

I realized last night when I was on the phone with a friend and having another moment of this longing and heartbreaking loneliness that I'm not at all homesick, but that I'm roadsick.

I've been stationary since the first week of September and it's driving me up the metaphorical wall. I'm not used to being so still... my mind, body and soul quite literally needs and craves travel in order to breathe and thrive.

My little jog up to Michigan should suffice for a short while. After that I'm heading up plans on going back to Kansas City for a while... and from there I'll need to start working on a trip to LA or Vegas while the boys are in Europe.

Europe would have sufficed me for a while. I would have been able to live off of that travel for a quite a bit... but alas... it didn't work out. It looks as though I'll be spending my birthday in Kansas City versus Hamburg, Germany with my boys. (Perhaps I'll drink German lager all night in honor of them... or perhaps they should drink Bud Light that night in honor of me, since it's my birthday and all...)

I still need to work on what exactly I have planned for my birthday... I'm open to suggestions if you know the KC/surrounding area well. :) I haven't really explored KC in over a year - so I'm not sure of the new stuff/restaurants/bars that they have.

Do you get homesick? Roadsick?

What did you do for your last birthday?

Premonitions.

A lot of times we aren't allowed into the inner cogs of changes that our life will take... most times we don't know that our life is taking a turn, growing or changing until it's already happened and we're halfway through the process.

A few examples:

I didn't quite grasp that I was dropping out of high school and that it would forever affect me until the minute that I was walking out of the door. (Of course, it actually helped me greater than graduating high school ever would have... though it was still a huge change.)

When I was 17 years old, I didn't realize that I was in a car wreck until I was on the stretcher and being put into the back of an ambulance.

And I didn't realize that I was an actual professional photographer until I started hearing it out of my peers and my [photographer] mother's mouths.

Then, there are some times when you're given ample time to prepare and accept a life change.

A few examples:

When your uncle is given 6 months left to live through his cancer treatment.

When you choose the person that you're going to marry or break up with.

...There are so many possibilites to all of that and in certain and lucky times of our life, we are able to predict our own futures.

I am currently in a situation resembling that. I can see the huge and pivotal events just notching their way into my future. Like speed bumps in my timeline marking something adrenaline rushing and endorphine inducing.

Of course... things can change... and you'll never know the true outcome of anything until it's the end of the story. We're not quite there yet and so I can't say for sure if this will be everything that I ever wanted it to be. I've always said, "be careful what you wish for..." I've got it permanently etched into my skin as a reminding proof that if I put out into the universe what I want, it could come to fruition.

Who knows if my wishes will have a positive or negative outcome in the end?

There have been so many things I thought wonderful that I wished for and in the end I started to feel as if I may have bitten off more than I could chew.

One day, I'll talk to you about that... but today is not the day.

The funny part about where I am right now is that I can see just what is happening and the things that are changing, but no one else is privy to them yet. I don't believe that one of us has quite grasped any of what is going on...

So... I sit.

I sit here and I sit in silence... I wait.

For, I will not be the first to speak, and I will not be the last to think so.

Is knowing better? Is knowledge power? Or is ignorance bliss? Are you happier now that you know, or are you lost now that you have nothing else to wonder and question about?

30 x 30

Thirty things that I want to accomplish by the time I turn 30.

It's nearly my 27th birthday, here. It still seems far off to the outside world, but December 1st will come faster than you think. Take for instance, that it's October 3rd. We just passed the first of October (which is my dog's birthday...), 2 months from there is December 1st. On Halloween (October 31st), it'll be just 31 days until my birthday... and November goes by far too fast.

I'm almost 27.

My twenties have gone by in a flash.

I'm not sure if that's how it happens for everyone else, but if the twenties are any indication of what my thirties will be like, then I'll be at the end of the road before I know it.

In honor of that, before my twenties are over, there are some things that I'd like to accomplish. So here is that list - Thirty Things I Want To Accomplish Before I Turn 30.

(In no particular order.)

01. Write a book.
02. Get to my goal weight.
03. See all 50 states.
04. Get my hair healthy.
05. Drive a ridiculously cool car.
06. Learn to shoot a gun.
07. Own a gun.
08. Tip a waiter with something other than money.
09. Do Absinthe.
10. Go off the grid for at least a week.
11. Bury a time capsule.
12. Go on a holiday with no luggage.
13. Host a Martha Stewart-worthy dinner party.
14. Meditate for 3h in one sitting.
15. Wear a fancy dress for a whole day.
16. Keep a diary for a whole year.
17. Complete a 40 day water fast.
18. Spraypaint art on a wall... (IE: graffiti)
19. Get a Brazilian wax.
20. Live abroad or buy a one way ticket overseas.
21. Go on a cruise.
22. Take ballet and martial arts.
23. Go to culinary school.
24. Be happy with my phone, my phone bill and my carrier.
25. Do something elaborate to surprise someone and make them happy for no reason.
26. Eat more tofu.
27. Have a [mindblowing] first kiss that actually means something with someone that I fancy.
28. Wear a wig and create an alter-ego.
29. Hit on the hottest guy at a bar/club/venue and not be intimidated or back down.
30. Actually live to see 30.

What are your plans that you'd like to do before your next birthday milestone? I'd love to hear them!!