Pop Into My Head

"Time heals the wounds but then there's still a scar."




It's been a busy bit of time for me lately, so I apologize for the lack in update. Isn't that stupid that I feel I must apologize to my blog for lack of update? Yeah, that's dumb.

In the time from last we've spoken I made a book. (Read about it here: www.jodieplatzphotography.com - I'm a dot com now!!!!)

I just actually released it to the printers today and I should have my copies ready to autograph and ship out by next week. This book was an amazing and heartfelt process - however, the purchase part really threw me for a loop.

I've said time and time again that I don't want to be friends with people who only care about me for the art that I create - to that I had friends that told me they don't "care" about the art I create, that they love *me*... to that I felt... well... loved. :) That was the point, right?

Except my book was released and no one I talk to on a daily basis (or even weekly basis) bought one. Now, just because you're my friend doesn't make that an obligation by any means. It just kind of shocked me that NONE of them bought one. (And only one or two of them even said "congrats" or "I'm proud of you".) It's really making me question some things.

You know what? I'm not going to bitch here or start anything... that's not the point of this. I am so very HAPPY that fans and strangers bought my book!! These are people who don't have any knowledge of what I'm like behind closed doors and yet they want to own a piece of me... that's absolutely amazing and I am so entirely grateful for each and every sale that I made.

Speaking of sales, I want everyone to know that this book was not made so I could turn a profit. It was made because I loved it and I felt like it was a good time to release it and share it with the world. I wanted something hard and concrete to hand my fans of my photography. Something to warm your coffee table. ;) I honestly made an embarrassingly small amount off the book.

For me, art has never been about money. Would I like to make a profit off of what I'm good at creatively? Yes. I would appreciate that. However, I feel so guilty taking money from people when I feel so good about doing it.

I need to perhaps change that, though... just thinking aloud here... don't mind me.

My desktop countdown tells me its 15 days until I see The Bens again. :) This makes me super happy. [censored message about ATX SBL just a few days after that...] and then we're going to Dallas to see Mechanical People again. I can't wait to see Jake! :)

...speaking of Mechanical People... I ordered their CD set and I think they may have gotten smashed and went to Canada and forgot to send it. (I say that precisely as the mail man pulls up... hah!)

I've been listening to a lot of Frank Sinatra lately. <3

I hope to get a new camera here in a month or so...

...also need a new computer...

There's not enough money in the world. Seriously. :-/ Another reason I should start charging for my services.

Mail trucks look so disorganized... but somehow they usually deliver all the mail... heh.

Easily Influenced: A Series Of Confessions

I've always been a quitter. Unless I wanted something more than anything... then I have a history of never stopping until I get what I want.

I have only child syndrome. I'm not great at sharing. I was never considered "spoiled" as a kid (we didn't grow up with tons of money, but I didn't go without...) but I had more than my fair share of toys and belongings. I get bored easily and I'm quite bossy at times.

There's a lot of things that I wish I could have had growing up. Most of them are not material. The only toy that I can think of that I wanted so badly but I never got was one of those Barbie 4x4 cars that you actually drive. I wished for one for so many years... I wished on stars, I wished on birthday candles... nothing. It never came. I'm probably better off with the bike that my parents bought me. I was a thin and active child and for that, I am grateful.

I quit dance and now I can't remember why. I actually quit dance twice... I quit acting. I quit band. I quit calling my parents. I quit high school. I quit my singing career. I quit my boyfriends. I quit my jobs.

Now, it's not that I'm the girl that quits as soon as things get hard - quite the opposite in fact. I'm the girl that quits when I've had "enough" or when I'm bored. I work very hard to get the things that I want... unfortunately I just don't have the attention span to reap the benefits for said hard work.

Now, to go back up there... my singing career? I was manipulated into quitting that. Here's a horrible place to tell you that I am easily influenced. But, at least now I *realize* that.

So, now there's so many people (most of them strangers) trying to get me to quit things... (*shifty eyes*) and I realize that I am easily influenced. I realize that they all have valid key points... but... we're missing the most important key point! The keyest of all points... the creme de le point!

IT MAKES ME HAPPY.

Why do so many people take an interest in my life? I'll never know. I actually don't care to know. I don't mind that people take an interest in my life... it makes me feel wanted and needed. Even if I just provide laughter (as they're laughing at me...) or quips... even if I just give them something to talk about and gossip about with their friends... or if they actually like me and they're genuinely interested in what I say... if I inspire someone to pick up a camera and take a photo or if I help them in their personal life by them relating to something that I've said --- I like it.

I don't understand it. It's weird and entirely new ground and I don't mind it. How's that for a confession? But, I've had a great friend able to help me through the process of this... They've offered many words of wisdom. (Most of them humorous.)

So, while I am still happy doing what I do - I will continue to do it. Others may (hell, probably will) try to convince me to stop doing what makes me happy - but those people clearly don't know me. (*See yesterday's blog entry...)

Another thing about me... I have ADD. That's a reason why I have quit so many things... I get bored. Burnt out. Tired. Over it... and, that always happens sooner or later. So... if you're one of the people trying to get me to quit something - just have a little patience, will ya?

Life Under Water: A Series Of Confessions

My life has a perfectly timed and always accurate running commentary. My evenly placed (and not so evenly placed) breaths; my evenly beating (and not so evenly beating) heart. Every bone that cracks, every itch of my skin, every single droning thought in my overstuffed and unorganized head...

All the commentary and soundtrack for me.

There are times that I want to slip under water... to go completely under. Drowning is not drowning at all; it's suffocating. Your body will not actually allow you to inhale much water... however, you don't receive air and therefore, you suffocate. Which, can be quite pleasant... much like slipping away. As your head goes under water and it fills up more of your face, slowly inching closer to your eyes and turning off your peripheral vision... something like that, I'd imagine. Slowly everything just fades to black.

There is always something that keeps us alive. For some it is religion. Whether that may mean they have faith that their "God" has put purpose in them or if they merely believe that to take their life would be a sin - it's keeping them alive. For some it is love. May it be they are so entirely loved that nothing is missing from their life or perhaps they have the drive to keep searching for what will fill them up completely; believing that it is love. For me I say, "it's not the right time..."

I find little mundane things to live for each day. Today it was one friend. Today it was Frank Sinatra and the way my pillows look when they're tear stained. Some days it's my best friend. Some days it's my boys. Some days it's nothing.

Some people are out of things to live for. While some would consider suicide a "thoughtless" or "selfless" act... to those I say you're both right and wrong. If I lost someone close to me from suicide and someone said "she was selfish... what about... what about...?" I'd say, "then you must not have known her so well. You didn't take the time to see just what she was going through." For those who have children and responsibilities... THOSE things should be your reasons to live... for those who aren't fortunate enough to have those luxuries - I would not consider your suicide selfish.

Sure, it is selfish... but isn't that what it's about? Your suicide is about you. You aren't killing. You are ending your pain and misery.

I have been in pain and misery for the majority of my 26 years having never really had many moments that I would call "happy". ...With one exception. (There's always an exception to the rule...)

2010.

2010 was the first year that I did not attempt suicide since I was 18.

That is not a fact that I have shared with many - and now I have shared it with all. I figure that I have this public platform to reach people on - I may as well utilize it.

I have been told a few times by people who read this that "we have a lot in common...", I hope that you can empathize with me on this entry. I know that times are hard, that life sucks more than it rocks, I know that each day when you wake up you have to face everything all over again and I know what it's like to count the hours in the day... to you, I want to say that if you can just find something to live for TODAY, you can make it through.

For those who have never felt this way, consider yourself blessed. Understand that it's not something people can turn on and off... understand that sometimes it's just something that people are born with... understand that by you reaching out to your friend who never reaches out to you that you could be saving their life that day. You are needed and wanted... but, it's so hard to say "help me".

I am unsure about a lot of things in my life right now, but I do know one thing for certain: I love my art. For that I stay alive... and I love the support that I am given. Right now I have a lot to be thankful for and I hope that 2011 will be as great as 2010.

As always, thank you to those who take the time to read this. Pixie Stix and Diet Coke's to those who comment.

*EDIT* You know what else keeps me going? Perfectly timed emails from my favorite people on the planet.

Happy Birthday, Ben! @100MonkeysMusic

Birthdays are a very important thing where I come from (planet earth), and I am all about making them special, unique and the best that they can be for my friends and people I care about. So, on this most holy of days I hope that you are happy and relaxed as I say...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BEN! 

My wish for you today is that you spend it with those who matter most to you, that your beer never runs empty and that this birthday be one that you remember for always. 25 is a big deal... quarter of a century... You're like, an adult and stuff. Or something.

Keeping with the tradition of my birthday posts for y'all - here are five of my favorite photos of you that I've taken...

I remember the reaction when we figured out just how to work the guitar shirt... That was pretty awesome! I loved that entire day.

My favorite photo of you from the winter tour... from Mission, Texas.

One of my favorite photo of you from the summer tour from San Francisco.

Happy birthday, Ben... I sincerely wish you all the best. Eat some cake. Drink some beer. Have a good time and good show tonight -- Love you!

xx

Still Lost

"Oh shame on myself; I don't know how I got so tangled up..."




I guess I'm sort of forcing this blog, to be honest. I'm insanely bored. It's 909a and I've been up since 530a. Why? Lord knows, but I just know that the sun was not up at that hour. I'm going to need coffee later. Yes.

I must endure the post office today. I am dreading...

I've been to the Galleria mall here in Houston twice now (going for the third time today... I believe Jennifer has secured a job or two at the mall...) and MAN. That's an intimidating place! Versace, Louis Vuitton, Jimmy Choo, Valentino... this list goes on and on... and then there's the department stores. Neiman Marcus, Macy's, Saks and Nordstom... Jesus. (There's also a Dillard's, but really, who is going to count that?)

This place is ridiculous. Seriously. Ridic.

I finally "got around" to buying the Wandering Mind single from 100 Monkeys... I absolutely love this song live so much... so much so that I don't think I much care for the mp3. That's unfortunate. It still won't stop me from blasting it all the way down Westheimer today. :)

I had so much that I wanted to say and it's just not happening... So... nevermind.

Title Me

"I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes 

Are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned..."




I have been thinking far too much lately. It all revolves around the same thoughts, they're just meshed and married together in a very incestuous way that at times makes me shiver and shake...

Of course then there's the times that I actually have a good positive thought or two. Mostly, I suppose those are just the memories that flood me from time to time.

I've been meticulously watching the price on the new camera that I want... shopping around from place to place and basically stalking it. That's actually perhaps my favorite part about buying a new camera -- stalking it.

I've been thinking about all the new art that I want to create. I need to find models. *ponders where the fuck I should find models*

We're going to Baton Rouge for Jenn's birthday... it's actually quite a coincidence that we're going to see a few boys while we're out there. I'm quite pleased for that, of course. There are hugs that must be given.

I have a premonition about my death today. (Hello worst segway ever.) It was... interesting... I believe I avoided the death, however. Phew...

Picture of zee day:

I found this on a photo blog and the artist was uncredited... but, I want to say that this photo absolutely captured me... from behind the leaves it looks as though you're peeking in on this lovers tryst. I love it... and I so want to do that in a park. ;)

xx

Trash Me

...everything is disposable... but, not people. 

For those of you who know me or actually read my blog, you know that I am a far more sensitive person than people will ever see or realize.

There's a giant gap of miscommunication here and no matter what I say (or don't say) it will never be cleared up. People make their opinions and they stand by them. So, while it's hard for me to realize that I am now a "public figure" and people are going to talk, gossip and make up shit about me... it's hard for others to realize that just because I am a "public figure" now that doesn't mean that I stopped being a human.

I do not regret. I wished and it came true. Be careful what you wish for.

For those who do support me and my photography; my art; my career - to you I will hold a place deep inside my heart for the rest of my life. You are far more appreciated than you will ever realize and I truly do love you. Thank you.

I have surrounded myself with good people that I can rely on for words or wisdom and support. These people mean everything to me and they keep me happy, focused and alive (in every sense of the word).

I didn't write this, but it's something that has touched me for a very long time. It was written by model Gia and I've always been drawn to it for no specific reason, now I see just how true it rings for my life.

Life and death, energy and peace...

If I stopped today, it was still worth it. 

Even the terrible mistakes that I made and would have unmade if I could...

The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul... it was worth it. 

For having been allowed to walk where I've walked... 

Which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it, and above... 

Picture of the day: