No Idea What Kinda Shit Was Gonna Go Down

"Cath... she stands, with a well intentioned man, 
But she can't relax, with his hand on the small of her back..." 

What is there to say here?

Besides the massive hangover that I endured yesterday, it was a good day. Today was fine up until about 15 minutes ago. Somehow life can change just that quickly.

When battling depression... well, I guess I don't really "battle" it, the only thing I really do to cope with it is try and involve myself in as many Monkey shows as possible - they honestly make me feel like I've got a good dose of Zoloft in my system... when battling depression, it's easy to go from 10 to 1 very quickly.

Disappointment is my biggest ache.

Who am I kidding? I have high expectations of everyone, of myself and the whole entire world.

I'm perpetually disappointed.

Whenever I Want You All I Have To Do Is Dream

"And all this time oblivious, 
To what you made so obvious, 
I can't believe I never noticed my heart before..." 


Last night was a good night. :) First off, Jennifer brought home Cabin Fever 2, which we had been trying to watch for several days now... I loved the first one - Jennifer isn't into all the gore and stuff... but Cabin Fever 2? 


Oh let me see here. I have so much to say about this film. 


First of all, in the description for it, it says that it picks up right where Cabin Fever left off, which it does... it also says that Rider Strong is in it... which, errm... 


The movie was shot back in Spring 2007, but shelved and held up forever in post... (Read the IMDb if you care to know why...) 


Anyhow, I was really looking forward to seeing a sequel where one of the leads from the first actually stayed in the movie, however... (*SPOILER*, but the movie sucked and you shouldn't see it anyway, so keep reading...) Rider Strong literally gets killed DIRECTLY after the opening credits. Srs. I was so disappointed... 


Not to mention that the "special effects" and makeup in this thing were horrendous. Beyond fixable. I literally could have made a better gore movie with my digital camera. True story.  I hated it. We so wasted a dollar on it when we could have just rented Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs again. 


After that mess of a movie, we decided to watch the St. Rocke show that I got on DVD from a very lovely Twitter follower. :D It was my first time seeing the show in it's entirety since actually being in LA. 


*breathless sigh* 


I wish there were a way for me to put into words how much it meant to me that she sent me this DVD... All of the moments I loved while at the show were on the DVD... Not to mention a few things that I missed while at the actual concert, like the cutest little giggle from a certain Monkeys mouth as he took my hand. 


While we were in the midst of watching the Monkey DVD they released their next slew of dates. :) Much to my surprise and approval, of course! Annnnnd... KANSAS CITY!!! EEEP! It was a perfect moment. Also, happy to see them going back to Tulsa. :) Tulsa was my favorite show thus far on the tour... and it was my first for this tour... I had to talk Jennifer into going back to Tulsa, but it wasn't that hard. Yaay! 


Also!! They're playing the Beaumont Club! I *knew* this is where they would play and I kept checking their official site, KNOWING this is where the Monkeys would play. There are many "pros" to playing this club, but I'd like to keep my advantage, so I'm not going to name them here. I'm happy that the boys will be on home turf. Now instead of driving 3-8 hours to see them... I have to drive 15 minutes.


Talked to Willow today for 2 hours. :) I love doing that... when we get on the phone we're always on it for like, fuckever... I digress... (see what I did there?!) I'm officially STOKED to go to Louisville. Totes. Stoked. Of the released dates for Monkey boys I'm planning on attending 6 of the posted shows. (Not counting Dallas. Cuz then that would make 9... meanwhile, I've been to 9 Monkey shows... so that would mean that by the time Dallas is over I will have been to 18 Monkey shows. O_O ...if they don't add anymore that I can get to... my god. *rubs plastic Jesus*) 


We had planned on going to Ohio, but shit happens... Detroit was supposed to be my 15th show... now... Kansas City is my 15th show. Gaaah, that worked out perfectly. Remember how I was just saying that shit happens for a reason?!?! ...Well?! *holds out hands at example before you* 


Alright, enough about those boys... swiftly moving on. 


After we watched St. Rocke I suggested we watch something on Netflix... I wanted to watch something scary and I was naming off the horrors it listed and casually mentioned Interview With A Vampire, to which Jennifer replies that she's never seen it before... we tried to watch it then and Netflix was apparently having a bad day and didn't wish to accommodate us with that particular movie... 


I then suggested Nightmare On Elm Street (the first one) and she said that she had never seen that one either! Oh, well snap!! So we watched it, she got scared... 


I saw it for the first time when I was in 6th grade. I had asked my parents waay back in the day (when I lived with my father) if I could see it and they vehemently disapproved. (I lived on Elm street for the majority of my childhood... yeaaaah, kinda glad they didn't let me see it. I would have cried.)  But of course when I moved in with my Mama I immediately wanted to see it... It was very scary the first time that I saw it... but watching it back last night? I didn't jump or flinch... 


However! 


I'm very fucking stoked to see the new re-make! Just saw the new released trailer. Looks badass. I can't wait! 


Picture of the Day:

It's been a while since I put up a photo of any of the boys, and this one has a purpose... love this pic, by the way... props to the chick who took it. 


When I saved it I titled this picture "why do you never wear a tie when I see you" because out of the 9 shows that I've been to, Jackson has never worn a tie... meanwhile, I think he looks beyond handsome and so sexy in ties. *nudge, nudge, hint hint... Des Moines.*


(Now I'll stand there with my mouth agape if he wears a tie in Des Moines... You know I will.)

Intimacy & Love

"Be your best friend, yeah, I'll love you forever, 
Up in the clouds, we'll be higher than ever... 
So happy I could die..." 

We all know that you can have sex with someone and not be in love with them, just like you can be in love with someone and not have sex with them. But here I sit and ponder where to find the perfect balance of intimacy and love.

I refuse to get too personal with this post, but I have many opinions on this matter, I have rarely shared my own personal experiences on the subject.

I suppose we don't all crave love, just like I suppose we don't all crave sex. It's safe to say that most of us crave the latter more intensely than we crave love. We look at random strangers on the street or musicians and actors in magazines and our fantasies begin to spin wildly in our minds. It's only natural for us to project like that.

I'm sure there are many, many out there who project with love and not sex. They look at those same strangers walking the street, the musicians and actors in the magazines and think of the beautiful home they could share together, they think of the wedding they would have and how they would love each other harder than anyone has ever loved before...

So where do we find this perfect balance? How can we have the perfect blend of intimacy and love? Is there such a love where the desire to be with each other will never fade? When you're truly in love, will your pheromones take over and you'll crave the touch of one another?

I'm either hopeful enough, or naive enough to say that, yes, I believe that. I do believe in the perfect balance... that some people are more suited for the long term than others and that there can be people who were just *MEANT* to be together.

You have stars.

From the moment that you are born there are certain things written in your stars that are destined to happen in your life. You take a screen shot of the stars from the date, time and place where you are born and you can learn more about that person than you ever imagined...

So if you were destined to go through all this pain in your childhood, if you were destined to have music in your life for these three particular reasons... then why can't you be destined to love someone? And with that destiny, if all your stars aligned... why couldn't you be destined to have incredible intimacy?

While my views on "God" and religion are shaky, I still believe and have faith in fate... sure, you can change your fate with every minute decision that you make, but eventually it's all fate...

People are put into your path for a reason. Things, events, changes... they all happen for a reason.

I have a lot that I must find out.

xx

[Insert Clever Title Here]

"if ever we should meet on your side of the stereo, 
I will pretend I know not of your thoughts, 
And even the way that they mirror my own..." 

Busy, busy... Yesterday was something else. My Mama came and picked me up so that we could go back to her house and I could help her build a website for Pam's business... first though we went to Panera. I was good. :) I had a Greek salad and water. I seriously debated for a long time if I should just say "fuck it" and get a sandwich. God, I love their bread...

After that we went to this gym they were thinking about opening and we got the tour, got to swim (I did laps) and then we hot tubbed and enjoyed the stream room and the sauna...

They decided to join the gym and they put me down on their family thingy. :D Yay! Now I get to go spend hella time at the gym. I live for pools, saunas... steam rooms are the best.

After that we went to the grocery store to pick up something for dinner, my Mama was being awfully helpful when I told her that I was doing the no-carbs thing... we both got salads and when I picked up 2 packets of dressing she corrected me and told me to just get one. That was a good moment. :) She saved me from unnecessary calories.

We watched Nanny McPhee, which was... interesting, I suppose. Wasn't the greatest movie. Then again, I'm not 8.

Later on my Mama gave me some of the clothes that she "un-grew". Both her and Pam have lost a lot of weight and so I made out like a bandit! XD I got an entire sack full of 'new' clothes from my Mama including some really awesome lounge pants, a pair of super cute pin stripe pants, a sexsi pair of black jeans and a 2 sweaters that are sooo awesome.

(Some of the clothes fit me, some are a little too tight and some don't fit right now - but that's what the gym is for, right?)

My Mama and I used to fight so hard on clothes. She used to dress just basically ridiculous and then hated everything I wore and I guess as we both got older our tastes seemed to blend. I've calmed down some in my clothing choices and she's gone more mainstream... somehow we met in the middle.

I spent the night at her house last night and I guess I've been up for almost 3 hours now... we haven't done anything, she's been working on the website all day... she said she would cut my hair though. I hope that still happens. I haven't had a haircut since November 2008. Literally. That was when I chopped it all off and it was boy short... I haven't even had it trimmed since then. (I've trimmed my own bangs.) I'm hoping to get my hair back to a healthy state so that I can grow it out.

Hair is weird... I mean, you don't just have this endless supply of hair inside your skull, yet it just melds to the hair that's already there... man, that's insane.

Picture of the Day:

Uhhh...

*searches forever*

Marty Party. Doesn't he look thrilled?

10x10

"I am a little bit of loneliness, a little bit of disregard, 
Handful of complaints but I can't help the fact that everyone can see these scars..." 

Jennifer and I have been watching a lot of movies lately... first we watched The Stepfather, which had a slow start, was pretty good but had a fail ending. Next we watched Burn After Reading and on the way home after renting it I said to her, "Yay Coen Brothers!" She said, "what?" And I said, "they also directed Fargo..." (We had just watched Fargo the day before) She replied with the heaviest of sighs.

I loved Burn After Reading. I thought it was fucking hilarious. I dare say that I liked it almost more than Fargo... which is classic. My Mama and I can have an entire conversation in Minnesota speak and Fargo quotes. It's quite fantastic. :)

Then we went back and rented Labor Pains with Lindsay Lohan... It was something that sounded like it had a good plot and then the downfall was going to be Lindsay Lohan... well, turns out it's got quite a few "name" actors in it and it wasn't terrible! I definitely laughed, only rolled my eyes like once, which is more than I can say for like, Twilight. So yeah, not going to buy the DVD or anything, but it wasn't bad!

Last night we watched The Proposal... completely predictable, but still funny... errrm... mostly that would be Betty White and her badass self and Ryan Reynolds and his hot self. Sandra Bullock... I don't really know what to think of her. Still. After all these years. To me she kinda seems like one step above Jennifer Aniston - like she just plays the same rolls over and over and always plays each roll the same. She was better in this movie than in others, though. I'll give her that.

I said to Jennifer while we were watching The Proposal, "And the trend for tonight is 'lying to keep your job'." (Labor Pains) We always seem to watch movies in a row that have to do with the other somehow... themes like cheating, cheesy music, certain actors... etc...

Saw the new Timberlake and Timbaland video for "Carry Out" yesterday. I definitely expected something more amazing from them. I was highly disappointed. Justin looked like he stepped out of the Like I Love You era and his part of the video seemed to be straight out of his video for My Love. It was tired, played and unoriginal. Lame. Sick song, lame video... but then I guess who cares about music videos these days now that there's no "music television"...?

You're probably wondering what the title is about for todays post... or you've just accepted the fact that I'm completely random and you've gotten over it.

10 days until my 10th Monkey show! 10x10

I'm beyond stoked. I am addicted now for sure... I don't know how I went from August to November without seeing them... well, I have one idea. Not sure how I made it from November until January without seeing them -- that one for sure... Managed to survive this long between shows, I suppose. It's been 15 days since I've seen them -- going to be another ten... jeez, that's nearly a month. O_O

Ooh! I got Jerad his present! ...I have to make it... Nowhere had exactly what I was looking for so fuck that, I'm just going to make it. *nods once* ...I also may have gotten Jay a lil something... Still have to get a few other things for the other boys. :)

I'm going to my Mama's house today to help her build a website for her wife's practice... I'm also going to make her get a Twitter while I'm over there. Will be fun.

Picture of the Day:

Have I mentioned of late how much I love her? I don't think I have. I love her and her sloppy kisses.

Where Things Just Come To Die

"I was born a unicorn, 
I coulda sworn you believed in me, 
Then how come all the other unicorns are dead?"

Today was a good day. Had a weird start, but I abruptly woke up at 8a... strangely, I was in an excellent mood and have been awake for the whole day - no naps... Jennifer and I pittered about, I read some... we watched Aladdin and talked.

You know, I haven't seen Aladdin in probably ten years and I somehow own it on DVD. I have no idea how that happened.

We watch a movie together every night before bed... sometimes we make it onto a second movie, some nights we fall asleep before the first one is over. (Most nights we watch Twister or Wanted.) We've been through nearly our entire DVD collection several times. (I won't watch the Heath Ledger movies; she won't watch the Brittany Murphy movies...)

So today we found Aladdin, Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Fargo. I said instantly, "FARGO!" I love Fargo. It's fucking hilarious... but, I guess you have to have that sense of humor for that sort of thing... she persuaded me into Aladdin, said we could watch Fargo together when she got home, but I really do believe that I'll probably end up watching it before she gets home from work.

Speaking of Jennifer and work... yesterday she was supposed to get off work at 7p... she called me at 6 to say that Marcus, the other manager "didn't want to close" and so he offered her the rest of his shift plus $50 out of pocket to take it.

I was aggravated with this because I was looking forward to her coming home at 7... But she said she would stop by the store, get some things for mexican and margaritas and that we'd have a night together when she got home... at like 130a.

So I decided to take a shower about 11ish and towards the end of my shower I felt really sick like I was going to throw up, felt really dizzy and didn't even bother rinsing my hair all the way. My vision narrowed and I stumbled out of the shower and onto the bed. (Yep, naked and soaking wet.) I guess that's what I get for not eating all day... funny, my body has never had reactions to it like that before.

After laying down for a while I felt better, Jenn got home and we watched Idle Hands, had mexican and margaritas as planned. :) Win.

Alright, now this is the part of the blog where I out someone for something they did to me without outing them... because I know they read my blog and I'm not the type of girl to put another one on blast. So... here goes. Today someone made me upset. If you know me for two seconds you know a few things that should be named "The Untouchables"... these are things that are mine or will be mine someday... plan your life accordingly. Apparently, this chick didn't get the memo... and tried to take one of my Untouchables. I promptly rerouted her to her previous destination... The intersection of In Your Dreams St & Please Go The Fuck Away Cir.

Pic of the Day:

I love Twitter, I love my phone. But I fucking guarantee you that's going to be the last thing I'm worried about in this moment of my life. My future husband, please slap me if my cell is even on... and I'll slap you if yours is as well. ;)

Bang, Bang

"And it's okay to eat fish, cuz they don't have any feelings..." 

I started writing something a few days ago when I was at Starbucks. I think I shall finish writing that and then post it here...

*goes off to write*

Things to do Before May, a short essay.

By Jodie Platz

As I sit here at my local Starbucks, perturbed, I drink my Venti Iced Coffee. (Sweetened, no room for cream.) If the world were a Venti Iced Coffee… well wait… the world is a Venti Iced Coffee. The world is a little bitter, a little cold and absolutely addictive and exhilarating. 

I sit here and try to map out my life from here until May. Until at least May. I’m booked through August, however. I don’t know how that happens, but I always seem to pile plans on top of plans on top of plans on top of shit.

You know, it’s been a while since I’ve written anything. Digressions. A word that I don’t use often, for I feel that it belongs to Willow Raine and Holden Caulfield. But I do believe this moment calls for one, so, I digress… 

 The list of things that must be completed by May keep piling up. Cameras must be purchased; computers must be detailed and emptied… weight must be lost… clothes must be bought. Monkeys must be seen. So daily I run through the tasks at hand, pondering how on earth I will fake my way through this one… pondering how on earth I will complete all that needs to be taken care of. 

I still don’t have that answer yet. If you think of something, please let me know. 

Slowly plans are being made and tended to in order to keep this life on track. Monkey shows are being planned, carefully. Cameras? Well, technically it’s just the one camera… and I’m still working on that plan. Weight must first be lost before new clothes can be bought – therefore there is a plan in action for said weight loss. How well that will go over remains to be seen… 

The life has been slow yet hectic at the same time, which doesn’t make much sense to me… confuses the fuck out of me and I don’t particularly like it. I've had more to think about lately, a lot more on my plate which equals a lot more on my mind. None of which I care to share with you on such a public forum.

At least I have friends to lose weight with. That's not something that I could do by myself... 2 of my friends are going to go through this with me - neither of them have as much to lose as I do, of course... both are stronger than I am... however I am one up on them. They're both addicted to soda.

I drink soda about once a month and then I'll go through about 2 days where all I drink is root beer. Other than that the only thing I drink is ice water or seltzer water... with the occasional iced tea. I do understand why people get addicted to pop, and I know that it's a terribly horrible thing to have to quit, so I do feel bad for them... I do... but in the end it'll just be so much better for them if they can stop drinking it altogether.

Me? My problem? Food in general. I can go days and days without eating anything and I won't even feel hungry at all, the worst part is that once food touches my lips, I can't stop. I need to learn control. That once I eat a small something that it isn't the gateway to eat anything and everything... well, Jodie... good luck with that. I've been dealing with my disordered eating since I was a child. I even wonder if there's hope for me now that I'm 25. Perhaps I am that old dog and you just can't teach me new tricks. I wish that my parents had taught me about food skills early on in life... Of course if they read this they would just blame me...

Anyone else want to join us in trying to lose weight? The goal date is Legacy.

Swiftly moving on... Something I love happened on my desktop this morning. :) Today is the 15th and it's 15 days until I get to see the Monkeys again. (I have a little countdown thingy that helps me keep track of days...) I love it when the days add up like that. Always when I'm counting down to my birthday it's always 31 days until my birthday on October 31st... making for a happy Halloween.

Picture of the Day:

Why couldn't I have learned about self control and self respect when I was 9? This was the last time I was a size 4... I wonder if my bones would even let me be a size 4 now...? I mean, this was pre-puberty, so my hips would have been smaller than they are now...? Yes? Either way...

Looking back at photos from this shoot I think about how at this point in my life I didn't understand eating disorders, that I didn't understand self harm... while my body had already had it's fair share of cuts, scrapes, burns, bruises and scars - it's nowhere near the shape that it's in now... that's for sure. Pre-tattoos, pre-piercings... (minus the one in each ear...) and well before I knew what it feel like to drag a knife across my skin.

In this picture, I was blissful and all too innocent. I had never colored my hair. I had never kissed a boy. I didn't have a clue that this wouldn't last. That someday (not that far away) I would be fat... all too easily... I would be taken advantage of, again, all too easily... I would willfully place scars along my body when I once tried to avoid them... I would try. I would try. Try at many things... try at life, try at death... try to live, try to breathe, try to be free...

I suppose that's all life is... Trying.