Abandonment

I will keep this short; I have abandonment issues. My mother left me when I was 3, my father always has been distant... I raised myself. I did okay, but how much can an 8 year old know about anything?

People always pack up their bags and leave me. Friend and boyfriends/girlfriends leave at the drop of a hat without a word or so much as a "goodbye, I am leaving you."

I constantly have my heart walked on and tossed through a blender.

I am sure (positive of it) that I do something to cause them leaving me - possibly by walking into every friendship/relationship I have with the knowledge that they will end up leaving me in the end.

Truth is, in raising myself and spending most of my life alone, I fear that I do not know how to conduct a relationship with a human.

A few months ago I realized that however much I wanted my life to have a child in it, it would be incredibly selfish. I may consider adopting eventually.

A few weeks ago (which has then be verified from actions from this morning and this evening) I realized that I do not know how to conduct a relationship of the romantic variety between myself and another person and therefore I am going to salvage my heart and the hearts of others by choosing to remain alone for the foreseeable future.

I have never been in love. I have never enjoyed kissing anyone. I have never felt like a magnet to anyone. I don't know if I am capable of feeling those things because of my emotional abuse and abandonment as a child.

I have explained this to everyone I have been in a relationship with... They still eventually walk out of my life without a word.

I cannot handle getting abandoned any more.

I realize and am more self aware than anyone will ever truly pay attention to; I am self destructive to the tenth power, I am often misunderstood, but let me tell you, I am the most giving and loving person of the people who love me - I think once they truly realize how fucked up I am, it's too much of a responsibility for them and so they boot.

Oh well.

I always see it coming.

I can attest art to it, right?

This was longer than I intended. I wrote this for me, not you. Sometimes I need to write in order to time stamp things in my life.

At this current moment my professional life seems to be going okay... So that must mean my personal life has to fall apart, right?

I try to hold everything together with superglue as much as possible.

Thanks for reading.

118 Songs Everyone Needs On Their iTunes

In alphabetical order here are 118 songs that I feel you can't live without/could benefit having in your life.

Download. Repeat. (Or listen to on YouTube.)

(Repeat 117 more times.)

Come back and tell me how they changed your life.

Enjoy. :)

1. We Need A Resolution - Aaliyah ...the beat on this song just makes me die and be happily reborn again.
2. My Same (Live) - Adele ...I absolutely adore singing along to this.
3. Potential Breakup Song - Aly & AJ ...guilty pleasure #1
4. Flavor Of The Weak - American Hi-Fi ... saw them in concert; my first legit mosh pit. I fell down and a cute guy picked me up. I love to blast this song and SCREAM it.
5. Wreck Of The Day - Anna Nalick ...I hate myself for not writing this song, but I love it (and her) so much. One of my top 5 favorite songs of ALL TIME.
6. We Used To Wait - Arcade Fire ...I listen to the entire Suburbs album front to back several times a week. Life changing. This album (in its entirety) has 56 plays on my iTunes.
7. Fake Tales Of San Francisco - Arctic Monkeys ...This song reminds me of so much... I sing it all the time (loudly) when I'm mad... "Oh you saved me, she screamed down the line, the band weren't very good and I'm not having a nice time!"
8. Bad Day - Asher Roth ...the first chorus; story of my LIFE.
9. Crank It Up - Ashley Tisdale ...I fell in love with this song. I won't lie. It's catchy as FUCK.
10. Head Full Of Doubt, Road Full Of Promise - Avett Brothers ...I have a tattoo that I'm getting that's relevant to a lyric from this song. THAT'S how much I love it.
11. Sail - AWOLNATION ...fell in love with it when I saw a video on Reddit of a breakdancer dancing see here. I had never heard the song or of the band before then... apparently they're a big deal. I like the ADD and kill myself part. Relates to me.
12. Channel Z - B-52's ...Cosmic Thing is one of the albums that I grew up on.
14. Feel Flows - Beach Boys ...makes me want to smoke weed.
15. Here Comes The Sun - The Beatles ...I'm not a huge fan of the Beatles, but I adore this song and a few others.
16. Moonlight Sonata - Beethoven ...Over 200 plays in iTunes. Sometimes I'll just sit there with it on repeat for hours and stare at the ceiling... or paint...
17. Alone - Ben Harper ...another life changing song. If you like this one, check out ANYTHING by Ben Harper.
18. Hypnotize - Biggie ..."Escargot, my car go..."
19. When The Lights Go Out" - The Black Keys ...I fell in love with them on the Black Snake Moan soundtrack... amazing... go see that movie, too.
20. All That I Need - Blind Melon ...can you ever go wrong with Blind Melon?
21. Family Reunion - Blink 182 ...You want to hear some curse words?! I once got asked to leave school for wearing a Blink "Take Off Your Pants & Jacket" tour shirt... Good times.
22. Call Me - Blondie ...I have this dream of having a high school acapella choir sing this song. I have it all arranged in my head.
23. Blind Willie McTell - Bob Dylan ...ever see "I'm Not There"? It was a miraculous film. Go.
24. The Wreckoning - Boomkat ...So thankful I haven't lost this song. Was once my theme song.
25. I Feel So - Boxcar Racer ...another once upon a theme song...
26. Be Gentle With Me - The Boy Least Likely To ...this song reminds me of driving through the Utah desert in 2009 and I could see EVERY star that there ever was. It was absolutely amazing and incredible. I pulled the car over to stop and take it in. It was the perfect weather and the perfect skyline.
27. Nine Sixteen - Bruno Merz ...I don't remember where I found this song, but it reminds me of endless roads while on the road.
28. See The Light - CCR ...come ON... repeat this song for a few days and you'll have a new perspective on your current problem.
29. Bend Over Beethoven - !!! ...I want to know who mastered this album; it sounds fuck-excellent.
30. Hang Me Up To Dry - Cold War Kids ...I can listen to this on repeat for about 5x and then I'm ready to move on, but the beat will stay with me for days.
31. Put Your Records On - Corrine Bailey Rae ...this song used to make me cry each time I listened to it.
32. Mr Jones - Counting Crows ...this song DOES make me cry each time I listen to it. Without fail.
33. Possum Song - Dana Falconberry ...absolutely perfect lyrics; it gives me chills each time I hear it. LISTEN RIGHT NOW. "How could I be lonely...?"
34. The Rat - Dead Confederate ...listen to it... and think about it.
35. Ain't That A Kick In The Head - Dean Martin ...It's Dean Martin!!!!
36. Grapevine Fires - Death Cab ...I am trying to just pick one song per artist, which is hard to do with a band (my favorite band) like Death Cab... but this song evokes strong emotions in me; I can't say why... I don't know why. It makes me cry almost every time. I love it.
37. Rake's Song - The Decemberists ...I haven't met many of their songs that I didn't love, this song I have a strong conviction for. I love storytelling songs and things that have a beginning, middle and end... (like most Death Cab songs)... this song I fucking love and adore. (And my best friend has a strong conviction against it... which makes it even better.) The song is about killing your own children. You're curious now, aren't you?
38. Black Irish - Devil Makes Three ...this will forever remind me of the winding roads of California's path to the 101, but I fucking love it. Partly my motto.
39. Sultans of Swing - Dire Straits ...another band that I was raised on... this has the greatest guitar solo of all time. I will argue that to the death.*
40. Shake It Off - The Donnas ...if you don't like the Donnas, you should go die in a hole. They have a chick drummer and they're all hot as FUCK.
41. Love Her Madly - The Doors ...this song makes me happy. That's its sole purpose in life.
42. Watching The Detectives - Elvis Costello ...the only "Elvis" that I knew growing up. "She's filing her nails while they're dragging the lake"... best. line. ever.
43. My Dad's Gone Crazy - Eminem ...Can rap every word. Listen to the song & think about that.
44. At Last - Etta James ...I hate that she's passed... but... this has always been my go-to karaoke performance song... never fails to get them to pay attention. :)
45. I Need A Man - Eurythmics ...my go-to chick lead singer growing up. I used to listen to this at photoshoots when I was a kid. I still belt this shit.
46. The Take Over, The Break's Over - Fall Out Boy ...I don't care what people say; I fucking love FOB. Lyrical perfection. This song took me from "fan" to "obsessed".
47. Paper Bag - Fiona Apple ...another lyrical perfection. This song gets thrown on repeat a lot while I sing it in a happily and melancholy way. (Yep, you think about that for a while.)
48. Do You Realize? - The Flaming Lips ...I wanted to BE this song.
49. Gold Dust Woman - Fleetwood Mac ...I wanted to BE Stevie Nicks.
50. DOA - Foo Fighters ...I sing this motherfucker like I MEAN it. I play air drums to it... the intro is my favorite. :D
51. Just One Of Those Things - Frank Sinatra ...I'm glad we were never alive at the same time. I would have been a groupie for Frank.
52. Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand ...I will say this one more time... this song has the best tempo change in the history of music.
53. Queer - Garbage ...I wish I wrote this song. When this song came out I used to playsing it to my mirror with a hairbrush. Oh yeah.
54. O Shot - The Gay Blades ...Catchy as hell and I love guitar.
55. Something Kind Of Ooh - Girls Aloud ...I have a love affair with Euro-techno-pop.
56. Need - Hana Pestle ...it'll change your whole world. ...but don't listen unless you want to bawl your eyes out.
57. Barracuda - Heart ...I love anything by Heart. Don't diss Heart; they're great.
58. Bus Stop - The Hollies ...my number 3 favorite song. Makes me cry in the happiest of ways. I sing this like an adorable raccoon.
59. Miss Take - The HorrorPops ...bitch plays the upright bass, she's invited to my house to party any day. This song reminds me of my current events.
60. Curse - Imagine Dragons ...they JUST got signed to Interscope and are about to be huge after they play SXSW this March -- go listen now.
61. Cold in California - Ingram Hill ...a band that I have loved & known since 2004; they're country rock from Memphis and they give great fucking hugs.
62. Boy With A Coin - Iron & Wine ...How the hell do I explain them to you? They're great... they make me want to sell all my belongings and get in a car and travel the country without a cell phone as I just listen to their music.
63. Vertigo (If It's A Crime) - Islands ...I am [hopefully] finally getting to see this band perform in March and I might piss all over myself when I do. This is the greatest song in the world; 12 minutes and it goes by so fast... slide guitar. Go.
64. Sweet Baby James - James Taylor ...His voice makes me want to move to Colorado or back to Kansas... this song mentions my birthday. Can play on guitar. :)
65. 2 Many Hoes - Jay-Z ...it's fun to sing. The Blueprint 2 is my favorite... Jay-Z reminds me of driving around in my convertible Mustang when I was 18. Lord I thought I was the shit. ... (I wasn't.)
66. Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley ...I am only posting this because I know there is at least ONE person out there who hasn't discovered this song yet... seriously... go... you won't be sorry.
67. Prisoner - Jeffree Star ...he's got hot pink hair and tattoos. Listen.
68. Trash Me - Jessie Malakouti ...reminds me of my life here on the internet. It's catchy and poppy and awesome.
69. She's A Genius - JET ...this song makes me want to go into a rock club and do coke with strangers.
70. Take Me Home, Country Roads - John Denver ...there's a part in the bridge that I like to harmonize to. :D
71. Folsom Prison Blues - Johnny Cash ...Sometimes I'll just put on some Cash for a few days and turn off everything. Puts a lot in perspective.
72. California - Joni Mitchell ...when I listen to this song I feel there's nothing stopping me from getting in my car and GOING.
73. Didn't I - k.d. Lang ...she's pretty amazing live and this song is best played FUCKING LOUD.
74. Merry Happy - Kate Nash ...another Brit whom I adore... I love to sing this song in perfect rhythm and accent.
75. Settle Down - Kimbra ...currently my most played song in iTunes with 166 plays... and that's all happened within a couple weeks. I am obsessed with her.
76. Bloody Mary - Lady Gaga ...my friend told me she saw Gaga open for NKOTB during their first comeback tour... I punched her.
77. Love Me Or Hate Me - Lady Sovereign ...yet another Brit... I can and do rap each word in perfect accent... also, another theme song. :D
78. Since I've Been Loving You - Led Zeppelin ...this was my top played song on my last computer with nearly 800 plays. I listen to this when I write. Best guitar solo ever. Hands down.*
79. Take A Bow - Madonna ...another song for me to cry to. Lord, I remember when this came out.
80. Sweet Dreams - Marilyn Manson ...perfection. So fucking perfect I STILL hear it when people make me listen to the radio.
81. I Wanna Be Loved By You - Marilyn Monroe ...she's so gorgeous, even her voice is beautiful.
82. Bright Lights - Matchbox 20 ...this was my theme song before I left KC... when I saw it performed live I cried... boy, I cry a lot, eh?
83. Smells Like Teen Spirit - Meat Puppets ...COME ON!!!!!
84. Gold Guns Girls - Metric ...this song reminds me of one of my friends in a band.
85. Big Girl - Mika ...listen to Mika; everyone who I have introduced to Mika has been obsessed with him. He's adorable, he's gay, he's from Lebanon. Go.
86. Alcohol - Millionaries ...they're like The Oh Noz, but not as mean.
87. Peculiar People - Mute Math ...I saw this band open for Matchbox 20 (that time when I said I cried...) and I absolutely fell in love. Actually... what's stronger than that? I became obsessed over night.
88. Bang Bang - Nancy Sinatra ...I always wanted to do a photoshoot revolving around this song.
89. Lithium - Nirvana ...if you "know" me and don't know that I'm obsessed with Kurt and Nirvana, then you don't know me at all. Listen to everything they have. Don't waste any more of your life.
90. Faster Kill Pussycat - Paul Oakenfold ...put this song on repeat for a few days and you'll start to see glowsticks in your dreams. In a good way.
91. Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd ...to be played at my funeral. That's not creepy, right?
92. Drag - Placebo ...This song reminds me of every crush I've ever had.
93. My Leftovers - Porcelain & The Tramps ...my theme song for SO many years.
94. Such Great Heights - Postal Service ...another song that reminds me of another dude that I know in a band. Ffffffffuuuuuuu!!!
95. Exit Music - Radiohead ...did you know that I can't find any contact information for Radiohead ANYWHERE on the Internet? Frustrating. I want to shoot their band. This is such a great song.
96. I'm Shakin' - Rooney ...I have the OC to thank for introducing me to Rooney... and to many other bands (like Death Cab)...
97. Black & Gold - Sam Sparro ...My Brit friend sent me this many, many, MANY years ago... in 2007 when I went to record my album in LA it was the only thing that I listened to on the plane ride there and back... and then around 2009 I started seeing it pop up in commercials and movies. Made me feel like a hipster.
98. L.E.S. Artistes - Santigold ...another song for the repeat button.
99. Australia - The Shins ...my favorite song of all time. Ever.
100. Imma Tell - Tech N9NE ...KC rapper makes big. I used to record at the same studio as he. All the talent in the world got soaked up here.
101. Great Lakes - Telekinesis ...One of the coolest bands in the world. Listen to them and make your life happier. Seriously fantastic.
102. Classico - Tenacious D ...I want to meet Tenacious D. The Pick Of Destiny is one of the greatest movies in life.
103. The Way I Are - Timbaland ...Keri Hilson is one talented bitch and Timbaland is one of the coolest people that I've briefly encountered in person. This song kicks my ass. I want to get in Timbo's head.
104. Great DJ - The Ting Tings ...another band I was introduced to by my Brit friend before they were big in the US. Fantazzzmo!
105. Stupid - Toad The Wet Sprocket ...what does their band name mean? This is a band my mom and I share. Applies to life.
106. Pasties & A G-String - Tom Waits ...I PROMISE to one day to a burlesque routine to this. Mark these words.
107. Hollywood Chain Gang - Tony Lucca ...the only person I have ever fangirl'd to meet.
108. Oxford Comma - Vampire Weekend ...there's an internet meme going around now that is about an oxford comma... "who gives a fuck about an oxford comma?" I DO.
109. Take Me On The Floor - Veronicas ...I met these girls... crazy tiny Australians. I wanted to kidnap them and make out with them at the same time. Strange feelings are strange.
110. Bitter Sweet Symphony - Verve Pipe ...don't lie... this song is amazing.
111. Ride - The Vines ...fantastic guitar, fantastic bass drum... fantastic lyrics.
112. Seizure Boy - Watsky ...just Google this motherfucker and thank me later.
114. Hash Pipe - Weezer ...listen to this song really loud in your car with the windows up... you'll get high off the guitar and Rivers' voice alone.
115. Seven Nation Army - White Stripes ...the 2nd song I learned to play on the guitar.
116. Heads Will Roll - Yeah Yeah Yeahs ...I somehow always listen to this song on the way to the venue...
117. La Grange - ZZ Top ...The Oh Noz have threatened to cover this song.
118. Chokechain - 3OH!3 ...Johnson once asked me in a bar when 3OH!3 came on and I started dancing and singing all the words, "who are these guys? Are they big?" I didn't know if they were or not... but I think he liked them. Or something.

Your Rainy Day

I'm not scared to die, I'm scared that I'll never live, 

I refuse to be trapped like you, 

I refuse to be a martyr like you, 

I refuse to be used like you, 

I refuse to be desperate like you, 

Exhale you like a giant balloon, 

You made sure that I was the one who took the bruise, 

If you can't care for me when you tell me that you love me, 

Tell me how's she going to end up getting treated? 

You make me pretend that I care enough to care, 

Care enough to ensure your debt, 

Care enough to feel regret, 

Care enough to place your bets, 

I beg,

I beg of you, 

Don't use up your life and throw it away, 

Don't use up all your good on the one who won't stay, 

Don't use up all your pennies on the one rainy day

Wishes

I have said many times over that my motto in life is "be careful what you wish for" because it has always so closely played a role in my life.

I have had a lot to think about in the silence that has filled me since October.

Now I wish for things like ways to take it all back... To change the things that I said, to pray for different outcomes from particular events.

It would change who I am now, and while I have never been (and promised to never be) a person who would ever "regret" in life, there's something to be said about hating the way that you said or did something and the outcome it provided you.

I can continue to attempt to create an image for myself that is strong, careless and carefree but in reality I am weak, insecure and my mind is ridden, rotten and filled with crippling memories (both horrible and blissful) which keep me up at night and literally knock the air out of my lungs making it impossible to breathe.

As I have stated (and as many already know), I do not sleep. It's very rare that I can find peace in slumber, and even then, I am a lucid dreamer and my dreams are vividly real, though I am aware I am dreaming. It's quite draining. Often times I will awake and feel more exhausted than when I laid down to get rest.

What's the point?

Mitch Hedberg once quipped that he wanted to sleep when he went to sleep; he didn't want to have to build a boat with his ex-landlord. I feel that way.

My mind is constantly racing; adding, subtracting, organizing, writing, adjusting, fitting, expanding, hating, loving, loathing and turning. Can't I have a few hours of submission? Is that too much to wish for?

Lately my wishes have been on things I wish I would have done when I had the chance, unfortunately nothing I can share here, but should I have just imploded my life - everything that I have spent my existence working for - what shall I have to wish for next?

Shall I wish for the impossible? Wish for what I cannot have and what is unattainable? To turn back time and have another chance? No, that would be silly and wasteful of me. There are 2 things that I am not: silly and wasteful. I am practical and despise waste.

I know that I am wasting my time with the running tracks that overdub my mind, but just as my heart beats and my lungs take air without my permission, I cannot help it or stop it and even if I wanted to, I would never know how or even where to start.

In The Time...

...it takes me to sign into Blogger I forget why I even opened it anyway. Obviously to write a blog, but now I can't remember what about.

I just brewed a pot of coffee.

As I see it, if you can't beat insomnia, embrace it wholeheartedly. More time for work, anyhow. (And by "work" I mean "Reddit".)

The night is the hardest. It always has been. So much unknown out there - and don't get me wrong - I love the unknown. The unknown and the untraveled are the very reason why I even bother with so much that I do... but for the insomniatic, the unknown and the night are terrifying.

My thoughts flood me the minute that I lay down on my bed; the minute that I close my eyes... I am reminded of memories. The times that I laughed and was happy - I catch my breath for fear I will never have those experiences that made me that way again. ...I am reminded of the times that I couldn't catch my breath - the times that a simple touch, smile or inside joke was more than enough to sustain me - the wind is knocked out of me for the fact that I know that I don't have that and that I never will again (so far as I can see). ...I am reminded of the wrong that I have caused to people. All, honestly, unintentional - I catch my breath because if these people ever knew the amount and years of pain it has caused me, perhaps they would forgive me.

Perhaps forgiveness has already been granted. Perhaps I am not as thought of by these people as I once thought.

Who knows.

Sleep deprivation is writing this now. Sometimes it's better that way... better than the alternative.

About 2 years ago I wrote a blog in which I said that I had done wrong to some in my "past lives*" and however unintentional it was, I caused them pain that was unnecessary. I said how I was taking the steps towards being a better person.

I truly believe that I have lived up to that - however, we all make mistakes, and we all have to hurt each other.

So much of my life I have spent walking the fence; always fearing to take sides; always fearing to disappoint anyone or to side on anything...

I rode this fence and instead of speaking my mind and my opinion when I could (and probably should) have, I didn't. I ate it and sat there so as not to disrupt anything or anyone.

This was wrong.

In this process I have hurt people...

But then...

Sometimes you stand up for yourself, your beliefs and your opinions and you hurt people.

We all hurt people.

You've hurt people. You may have hurt someone today. Who knows... but you can be forgiven. If not, I know you can learn to move on.

Your best friend makes a cake and it tastes like shit - you tell him it tastes like shit and his feelings are hurt.

You work really hard on a photo layout and give it to your client - they tell you that they were thinking in going a different direction - you thought this layout was your Sistine Chapel - you are hurt by their words.

A stranger calls you "fat" on the Internet. You are, indeed, plump. You are hurt by their words.

A stranger calls your art "a disgrace". You believe them even though they are trolls. You are hurt.

You break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend and *mean* it when you say you want to stay friends. They are hurt.

...What are the alternatives to these things? No one can truly go through life without hurting anyone. It's life.

Alternatives?

Your best friend makes a cake and it tastes like shit - you eat it anyway and tell him it tastes good; your stomach aches for days and he raves about how he's the greatest baker since Julia Fucking Child. He makes more cake. You are obligated to eat it. ...it would have been easier to just tell him it wasn't great. Then he can get better.

You work really hard on a photo layout and give it to your client - they don't want to tell you that your work was not adequate for the account so they either; A: are pussies and can't man up and tell you, so they hire you and it flops. Or B: they just plain don't call you back and you always wonder if it was your work or something that you said or did in the meeting. ...it would have just been better for you to hear the truth - that way you can improve.

A stranger calls you fat on the Internet. Look... people are always going to troll. Some people just get off making fun of others and inflicting invisible pain. Note that 98% of these assholes wouldn't have the guts to say anything to your face. (I have met some... they hide behind their screens all day, but in fact it's just because they are insecure about themselves.)

A stranger calls your art a disgrace. Work harder. Your art is never finished... then again... neither are the trolls.

You don't break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend... you try to push through the relationship, but in the end you are unhappy and unfulfilled. When the break up finally happens, it's messy and your partner is mad at you for hiding this from them for so long - ultimately you don't get to keep them as a friend. ...it would have been so much better to just be honest at your realization moment instead of dragging something out. If you really can stay friends - friendship is better than nothing. Obviously this person meant something to you if you dated them in the first place.

So yeah... I have hurt people. People have hurt me. It's all recyclable and it's all normal. It doesn't make you (OR ME!) a bad, terrible, awful person. It makes you normal.

Everyone hurts people.

Sure, ignorance is bliss. ...and I enjoy my fair share of ignorance in the right place and time. There's some things that I prefer to be completely blind to (I won't discuss those here), but I love to hear all of the upfront and honest truth from my friends/family/lovers/etc.

I give my friends full permission to ridicule my work. Let me fucking have it. I've been working on a new project lately and I've recruited a couple friends (more to come in the later processes) to look over and proof my stuff... they tell me their opinions. I'd rather have my friends honest opinion knowing full and well that they love me no matter what versus my future employers full and honest opinion on the first day. It's much easier.

The long and short of this is that I hate that I've caused people necessary pain. Normal day-to-day shit. I hate hurting feelings. I'm terrible at it... look at me... I've had insomnia for years because this is the shit that keeps me up at night... this normal shit that everyone goes through and it bothers me so damn much that I hate to close my eyes.

I don't know if anyone else out there thinks these things or has these problems, but I just thought that I would finally get off my chest what's been bothering me for years.

In the coming new year I'm hoping to document in a notebook all the things that bother me about the ways that I've unintentionally hurt people and perhaps what the outcome would have been if I didn't and how I feel me hurting them perhaps bettered our situation... also, the ways people have hurt me, what the outcome would have been if they didn't and how I feel them hurting me bettered our situation. I think this will be cathartic and helpful towards loosening these thoughts that I have.

If you have any suggestions for sleep, insomnia, reciepes I should try, an example of "necessary" pain/hurt, etc... kind words, hate mail, etc. Leave it after the jump and I'll respond to as many as I can. :)

*past lives... In my mind my life isn't broken up into one consecutive thing... because I have so much memory loss of my past the different highlights that I can recall I remember as "past lives". Such as, my childhood (all four years or so that I can piece together), my teenage years (not much of that either), my early 20's (like shuffling through Justin Timberlake concerts and whatnot), and then the now. The "now" I refer to as the last three years of my life.

<3

8 Year-Old Self

Dear 8 Year-Old Self,

I won't tell you that you should change your plans, your mind, your friends or anything about your life, because how you turned out at 27 is pretty okay...

All those mistakes that you made are not things that you should regret, because they brought you to the places you are now.

No, you don't continue with modeling (though you often think about getting back into it). No, you're not rich or famous (though you do okay for yourself and a few people know your name). And no, you're not still friends with Bailey (but you absolutely adore the friends that you have. They're the best part about you).

Some things you should be aware of, though... I know you think that when you become a "grown up" that people will take you seriously, that people will listen to you and let you be whoever you want to be... That's only half true - so you should be prepared for that and start trying to grow a thicker skin now. (At 27 it's still not that thick.)

The thing is, even now you don't feel like a grown up; and you probably never will. Also, the grown ups are more grown up and they will never stop looking at you like a kid. That will never stop being frustrating... And there's nothing you can do about it. (No, seriously... I have tried... So stop trying and just swallow it, Jodie.)

You are gonna "grow up" and be something different. You will be happy, but it won't come easily like it does now.

It'll be okay.

People are going to love you for your mind and hate you for it. People will embrace your appearance and push you away because of it. It's okay.

Even if parents and people you thought would love you unconditionally decide they don't like you anymore because you have tattoos, curse and celebrate holidays with drinks --- that's fine. They are missing out. Those people are shallow to turn you away for things that are just on the surface of you. You are so much more than tattoos, curse words and beers. The people who can't see that are cheap.

And those people who tell you that they love you "unconditionally"? They don't. No one can love unconditional. Not even parents. If there is a god, only (s)he can love unconditionally. Protect your heart.

Your heart.

Love.

Love, boyfriends, etc... Turns out it's not as 'top priority' as you might think. Be patient. There's a few good guys out there and you NEVER want to settle.

Don't settle.

Ever.

For someone who likes to hold onto things so tightly, you have to learn to let things go.

That's the hardest one.

You can't keep everything... Or everyone.

Sometimes you have to get rid of the things you outgrow in order to make room for new things and new people.

Always grow... You'll grow tall, but you won't grow up.

Jo

...what would you tell your 8 year-old self?

Leave it in a comment after the jump!

27.

Thursday was my 27th birthday, a birthday I have anticipated for quite some time.

My birthday was extremely mellow this year. It wasn't terrible, though. I got cards from the most important people in my life, got a couple cool presents, ate sushi 2 days in a row, had drinks and had a good time. It definitely didn't suck. Of course, I can't not compare it to the year before, spending it with the boys... But... Well... At least I have happy memories to hold on to. :)

I now have an Instagram page if you're over there or interested. jodieplatz is my username.

I am on my 3rd cup of coffee and I am listening to Death Cab. It's a mellow, but good day. Later on I will be heading down to my favorite tattoo shop... We will see what comes of that. ;)

I thank each of you who supplied me with birthday wishes on the day... It made it quite lovely and enjoyable! I wished that I could hug you all, you beautiful people!!! <3

xojo