The Clouds of Heaven

Being brought down to earth; what an unnecessary gesture,

I wished that I could stay up there forever,

My head in the clouds as I drifted along, just listening to you,

There's always those who and make it rain,

Trying to find a way to bring you down again,

It's not that I'm not realistic,

But to stay up there with you seems more idealistic;

There's no tears, no pain, there's not even any laughter,

There's just you, the sunshine and your music.

All The Lonely People

"...It's called heaven, and when I get there,

Maybe I'll find god...

But god ain't helping me very much,

and he sure as hell, ain't a very good guy..."

I had a good day yesterday. Went shopping for some new clothes - tried to find a damn good pair of skinny jeans and just fucking can't. I'm going to have to end up shelling out $80 at Torrid for a pair and that pisses me off.

I keep looking for my "_______" outfit, but I can't find anything worthy.

I did however find a really cute skirt at Forever 21 and a black tee to go with it. The entire outfit was like, $23! Freaking cheap.

Then we went to Target where I found a dress on clearance for $6 and a tee for $3. I can shop like a motherfucker, I swear. I am so proud of myself for how facking cheap I was! :)

Yesterday I got a Vince Gill care package in the mail from the Grammy's. It came with an autographed 8x10 photo, a 4 disc CD set, more postcards and 50 5x7 limited edition Grammy winner cards. Badass. I love that the Grammy's love me. :) [Now to just win one...]

Tonight Jennifer and I are going to see The Final Destination. We saw the preview for it in, I wanna say Harry Potter, but that doesn't seem right... when we saw the preview I instantly knew it was Final Destination, but at the same time, I didn't know they were making another one! Very pleasantly surprised!

Jennifer swore up and fucking down that we were NOT going to see this movie. Meanwhile, I have to continue the trend! 10 years ago I saw the first one in the theater... saw the 2nd on in the theater... 3rd one in the theater... you get the gist.

I actually don't care for horror films. They used to be my cup of tea and now I find that they're too scary. Although, I think I might be getting back into them a bit... but Final Destination fascinates me because of the element of death. The fact that DEATH is killing them. No murderer, no evil Saw/Hostel torture shit, it's imminent because of FATE. 2 things that I am strongly obsessed with. Death. Fate.

She swears that she loves horror movies but nearly refuses to see this one because its "too real" for her. That this one is harder to watch than all the others.

The kicker? This one is in fucking 3-D!

I cannot wait!

Picture of the Day:

Decided to change it up. I felt kinda bad that I always put Jackson up as the picture of the day. I know a lot of people don't see the beauty in him that I do and so I shouldn't shove him in your face. The only reason I put him up there every day is because I don't think he gets enough respect or love, but, I digress.

Today's photo of the day is a journal entry by Spencer Bell. I hope that you're able to read it... The first part Spencer says that he always feels like the first page of a new journal/notebook should be profound. (I feel the same way.) And then later he came back and wrote,

"Do not pray to the heavens, as they house only clouds; pray to your mind as God lives in your thoughts."

Also, I have posted 2 new photos on my photoblog. Click there to check em out!

xoxox

The Child That Looked Right Through Me

These thoughts are my chains,

Never bending or breaking,

My mind is my prison,

I have to live here forever,

Constantly under watch and scrutiny,

Always fighting for a breath of air,

The people surrounding me cannot see what I see,

They refuse to see what they think isn't there,

But I see everything,

I see the colors and shapes, I see the wind,

I see god and his children,

Because I take the time to take everything in,

Process and release, send it back to the windmill,

If I cried out to take her hand, would she even know I was there?

How can one person live for so long without ever living their life?

I press questions and buttons in a cavalier way,

Hoping for the best or the most random thing to say,

She could not be afraid of me if she saw me standing there,

I touched her face, I touched her hand,

But my soul just passed on through,

It'll take her years to understand,

That what she saw was true

In Our Minds

I don't know how I got here,

One day I woke up and this is where I was,

Learning the new ways of this strange land,

Finding out just what to call myself,

I guess I call myself yours,

You are the only other one I see here,

You are the moon that shines upon the sand,

You are the sun that beats down on my fragile face,

I wondered, when you saw me, if you knew I was yours

But you took my hand and led me far away,

Away from all the others,

Away from all my thoughts,

Just so we could be together, be alone,

I often want to do that for you,

Tear you away from what you're feeling,

Just us. Here. Alone, on this beach,

In our minds.

Dude. Sweet.

"If you're gonna clean the knives,

For whatever reason,

Don't be overly displeased,

When you see that you're bleeding..."

This morning I woke up to a strange dream, but no worries... no one died this time! I dreamt that I was with my Dad and step mom and had taken a Xanax... except the Xanax didn't have the usual affect on me like it usually did - in my dream it made me seem drunk. *shrugs*

So then I had to come up with a rap for a school thing... (why I was in school I'll never have a clue...) and I woke up with the first two or three lines to the rap in my head. I contemplated on letting them fade or writing them down and I decided to write them down... then I finished the rap.

It's really lame. You wanna hear it? (The answer is yes.)

I think I'll write a little about bananas,

That shit has to absolutely be the baddest,

Play on my 64" - I like Madden,

But when the boys come home,

Put on some Scooby Doo,

I scooby-dooby-doo-wop be like, rappin',

And here nobody thought I'd make it happen,

I got a tighter rap than Nick Cannon,

and I can kick your ass, I be like Batman

It's really cute when I spit that shit. Yo.

This morning [after my rap] I tortured myself... I can't say exactly what I did, but I was looking at photos that were actually restricted and I shouldn't have been looking at them. I shouldn't have been looking at them (not only because they're restricted and I found the link by accident) but because it pains me.

I tend to do that to myself. I have done it from 2000 all the way up till now. This specific torture seems to be worse because my heart is actually in it. This specific torture hurts because I actually have opportunities that I didn't have when I was torturing myself back in 2000...

I'm getting too cryptic and I'm getting lost. Sorry. I guess I just wanted to talk about it, even if I can't say anything really about it.

Did you ever have an idea and you thought it was very original only to find out that someone had done the same thing once before? I mean, I'm sure this happens to everyone, right? That was kinda the low of my morning...

Yesterday I watched and tweeted about the Dark Knight. Makes me miss Chicago... Heh. 25.

Later last night I watched Twilight while on the phone with Genn... :) It was soo adorable and fun!! I think that we should do it again sometime.

Done for today. I'll try and blog more... sorry I've been MIA.

Pic of tha Day Jackson:

*sigh*

That guitar is so pretty. I'm glad I got to see her in person... Jay with a slide on? Anyone else here think that's just the sexiest damn thing in the entire universe? No? Just me then.

Hole In My Sail

"I can't breathe in,

I can't breathe out,

Pins and needles on my neck,

Cuz of all the things you said,

They all came true..."

For the third night in a row I've had a nightmare. For the third morning in a row, I've woken up after witnessing someone in my dream die.

The first night, the roller coaster stopped while we were upside down and the harness came undone and I watched them hold onto the harness and slowly slip off - not being able to hold on any longer.

The second night, they were stabbed, cut and basically murdered and I was basically evil and didn't call 911 until it was entirely too late. Graphic.

Last night was a little backwards. I knew they were dead before I saw them die, but it still ended with them dying. They were riding under a small plane with their friends and the plane landed too hard, all their friends got out, but they staggered out last, coughing blood and dying.

I'm not sure what's up with my dreams or why I'm dreaming about all these deaths so many nights in a row.

Someone wanna take a stab at interpreting my dream?

Pic of the Day:

Even when Jennifer saw this pic of Jacks (she's not a Jackson fan, she thinks he's a great actor but doesn't see why he makes me swoon) she said "awwww!" :) I call it his happy dance.

xoxox

The Pills Don't Work

"Sometimes I get tired of pins and needles,

Facades are fire on the skin,

And I'm growing fond of broken people,

As I see that I am one of them..."

If life turns out to be the way that you expected it to be when you were eight years old - will you be shocked? Pleasantly surprised? Offended? Don't worry. Life will not turn out the way you expected it to be when you were eight years old.

I idolize myself at eight. Every story I have starts with, "when I was eight..." Every memory I have apparently took place when I was eight... yet, at the same time... I can't remember anything. I'm sure that only makes sense to me.

The lyric of the day is from Mute Math's "Pins and Needles" off of their new album, Armistice. When I first heard it I was floored. I often find myself relating to music more than anything else. I relate to lyrics, drum and tambourine beats better than I've ever related to another human in my entire life. Music is my blood. It has been since I was a child... but, I digress. The line about 'facades are a fire on the skin', 'pins and needles'... I can particularly relate to those lyrics.

My life is not what it seems. It's not what it seems to anyone who sees it. The only way to understand me and my life is to live it, and quite frankly, even my life isn't what it seems to me. I am one giant illusion. A facade. I'm not real. I'm not real to anyone and there's not one person out there who truly sees me. I'm sure that will irritate/frustrate/piss off a lot of those who are close to me who read this, but... it's the truth.

People can come close. People do and have come close to understanding me, to breaking through my shell into who I REALLY am on the inside. My blood and guts, the frightening innermost workings of my mind... I want them to. I really, really, honestly do. I would love for them to step back and tell me who I am so that I would know.

Everyone thinks they know me. They think that they can sum me up in a sentence or two. Let me tell you something that I want you to always remember for after I'm gone - anyone who tries to tell you who I am; doesn't know me at all.

Let's lighten the mood with a little - Pic of the J. Action Day:

Jackson copies my signature pose. :) I think we're pretty fucking adorable, if I do say so myself. (His eyelashes are more prettiful than mine, however.)

28.