Oh My God, The Wings On Fire

"Hey little waitress lady, please,

Hand me a little liquor bottle,

Anything to help me ease the pain of this crashin' plane because,

Oh my god, the wings on fire,

Oh my god, this suckers gonna hit the ground,

We're going down..."

This isn't going to be "THE BLOG" of which I spill all about my time in Nashville, but I wanted to give you something.

Patty called me out at the show and told me she'd kick my butt if I didn't get to bloggin' quickly, so I just wanted to give you a short one with a few highlights.

-November 7, 2009 was so the best day of my life.

-I spoke to Jackson at the Q&A.

-Met him officially, shoot his hand, got my picture, autograph, hug, epic smiles.

-I made Jackson laugh... was the highest feeling I've ever had in my life.

-Went to the jam session with 100 Monkeys

-Danced with Jackson.

-Jammed with the Monkeys, playing the tambourine.

-Had a pretty epic spot as far as the concert was concerned.

-Had so many realization moments. (Will discuss later.)

I will blog about all that and more... I was in Nashville from Wednesday until Sunday and so, so much happened along that time. Some of it I can't talk about, but I will try and spill as much as possible.

Here's a little something that I'll leave you with, however:

(You have to wait to see my picture with Jay. XD)

xx

Airport Blog!

"Goddamn she ain't breathing, don't do this to me..."

I love my airport blogs... let's see... I've airport blogged before I went to LA... uh... I'm sure there was a Vegas one in there somewhere... NYC... I can't remember what else, but once I get to the airport I think it's a nice way to pass the time. :)

I only got about an hour of sleep last night. I laid down "early". I was scheduled to get 4 hours of sleep... then Jenn and Bella were snoring their asses off... then Bella couldn't get comfortable... then blah... just blah... so finally I fell asleep and I was supposed to get up at 445, I woke up at 535 when Willow text me and I rawred at Jennifer, "why didn't you get me up!?" She said we didn't need to be there 2 hours early anymore and that we would get up at 6 and leave the house at 630... we did and all was fine... I checked in and everything went smoothly...

Put my shit through the x-ray machine... my shoe got stuck. haha, I find that high-larious.

Willow is almost to Nashville as I type this... going to pick me up. :) I'm so happy to see her... fuck, I love her. Just sayin'... she's my air.

You know, speaking of air - I'm surprisingly calm right now... I'm not sure what that's about, actually... I'm usually a wreck... I was last night. Perhaps it's all gotten out of my system? Perhaps that was like, a fake "hitting" me thing? Perhaps I have no idea what I'm talking about.

I will try to blog again soon. :)

xx

I Hope You Have More Luck With This Than Me

"What's the point of holding on to what never gets used?

Other than the sick desire for self abuse..."

Leaving for Nashville in less than 24 hours...

*inhales and holds breath for a long minute*

I'm still really not sure what to think and it hasn't completely hit me yet... I mean, I *think* I get that I'm going to be on a plane tomorrow morning... I may comprehend that... I know I'm anxious to get to be with Willow again... other than that? I can't see past Wednesday, really...

Things to do today:

Shower

Straighten hair

Wax eyebrows

Face mask

Pack pills

Camera

Chargers

iPod

Update iPod

Find/pack clothes

Carry on items

IDs

Do nails

Pop bubbles

Finish painting

Get lots of sleep tonight

I may update this throughout the day and cross off what I've done... check back for edits.

Pic of the Day:

This photo ALMOST made it hit me last night... ALMOST... but not quite.

EDIT 101p: Thank you soo much for all the comments/support,

people! I appreciate it soo much! Unfortunately, I only know

who one of you is! Haha!! Come up and say

something to me in Nashy!

...Now I don't really know where to start...

EDIT 236p: When Jennifer did the laundry she didn't wash either

pair of my jeans... so now I'm like, "No Pants Platz".

Just did my nails, I know I'm stoopid for typing now because

it's just going to fuck them up, but the ADD restrains me from

just sitting there and doing nothing, watching paint dry.

I finished my painting. :)

My wax is... uh... waxing... tis melting itself. And then its

facemask time... I guess I'm putting off packing as much

as possible. Been listening to Death Cab all day. <3

Definitely calms me and makes me feel soo much better.

EDIT 450p: I am going to kill my dog. She won't stop barking,

and whining... and jumping on my clean clothes. Let me

tell you a typical day with me and Bella... she sleeps all day,

I sing loudly, she licks my face twice and we're just calm

together. Today I've been cursing and screaming at her all

day. She knows change. She feels it... so I can't blame her

too much, but still it's soo obnoxious. I think she knows

that she's not coming with me. Now she's sitting in my lap

and being all adorable... that's why they're so cute, you

know? So we don't kill them.

I can't find any of the clothes that I want and it's pissing

me off. I keep going, "okay, 2 outfits a day... wed, thurs,

fri, sat, leaving sun..." yet, I feel like I'm packing for life.

That always happens because I have a horrible fear

of forgetting something. I'm using my medium sized suitcase,

which I usually only bring with me as my 2nd suitcase...

my "accessories" suitcase. In Jan 07 I took it to Vegas

and filled it with JUST purses and shoes... and we were

only there one night... so this is definitely a big change

for me and I'm not comfortable with it... but I'm

also not comfortable with carrying around a 15lb laptop/

carry on bag AND dragging around a huge suitcase.

*sigh* this is a classic no win situation.

None of the outfits I've packed will make me happy...

I had to pack "dirty" jeans. (Technically they're just

worn and a big baggy, I would classify them as "dirty"

just yet.) I feel very fat this week. I mean, I know

I'm already fat, but I feel fatter this week than, say,

last week... I haven't been eating any more... probably

less... but it's just how I FEEL. You know?

I still have no idea what I'm going to the airport in

tomorrow... the "plane outfit" is the most important and

I have no idea what I'm wearing... *bites lip*

EDIT 749p: I napped.

EDIT 1007p: It hit... not organically, but I forced it to hit...

the bad part is is that I know it's going to hit again, when

I least expect it to... I just hope it's not when I'm standing

in front of him. *shaking my head* that would be

terrible and mortifying.

I thought I couldn't breathe BEFORE... *shakes head

once more* that was nothing compared to what I just

went through...

Three days... when I wake up I'll be seeing him/them

in three days...

Photos definitely helped lunge me into the realization

process... the guitar and harmonica photos especially.

I'm glad that Bella-dog was the only one here to see that.

She sat on my lap and licked my face. Perhaps I do

love her after all.

Soon Everybody Will Ask What Became Of You

"As the flash bulbs burst,

She holds a smile,

Like someone would hold,

A crying child..."

It's been a few days... 5 to be exact now since there's only 5 days left before I go see the Monkey boys. :)

I am leaving on Wednesday morning. I cannot wait to get to Nashville. Can't. Freaking. Wait. Jennifer is going to drive down to Nashville after work on Friday and then the Monkeys concert is Saturday night.

I can't wait to see my Willow. *beams* Can't. Wait. I will finally be able to breathe again...

(God, both our boobs look freaking great here... just sayin'.)

This is soo my favorite photo ever. Hopefully I will get my ass in line and take more photos of us on this trip than I did in August. August! Can you believe it's been so long since I've seen my Willow? Or my Monkeys?!! Insane.

This trip... *bites lip* I don't know... I guess I don't want to express all of my worries here (for obvious reasons) however, this trip is worrying me... I'm worried about so many different aspects of it - ultimately I want to just GO and just GET THERE and just BE with my Willow. Then perhaps either we can worry about these things together or we'll just say "fuck it" and we won't worry about any of it and we'll just GO and have a fucking great time... Lord knows. *shrugs*

I'm stoked for Friday... *excited squeal* ...but I'll tell you about it AFTER it happens. I am so not jinxing that!!! XD

I'm nervous. Anxious. Excited. Nervous. Nervous. Shaking. Anxious. Excited. Why? I'll tell you why:

<--THAT IS WHY.

The last two times that I was supposed to meet/see Jackson he unfortunately had to cancel because of Eclipse filming/scheduling... but this time? This time he is GOING to be there... and I'm... well... yep.

I'm still waiting for it to hit me and sink in. I wish myself good luck with that. (I'm so screwed.)

Pic of the Day:

Lady Gaga is my hero/style icon.

Any Way That I Wanted

"Well, there's a tin can sitting on your window sill,

Open it up... see how you feel...

Cuz inside there are hearts that are stone,

Wrapped in radio wire, cuz they're locked in the coils,

And each World War's an offering to me,

And each one has a battery feel,

So they're hissing and screaming with the electricity,

Take em out one by one, line em up and you'll feel the...

Yeah, I could have you any way that I wanted..."

Today is supposed to be 100 Monkeys day! They're supposed to release their tour dates for their 100 city tour today, but alas... it's nearly 5p here and NOTHING. :(

I'm wearing my 100 Monkeys shirt in support for it and everything... I suppose that I can be patient... or try to...

Only 10 days till I see my Monkeys again! :) That's exciting!

I'm definitely beginning to think that the dates won't be released today... so then they SHOULD be released tomorrow, right? That would make sense? I mean, they SAID today, but today is nearly over so we should expect them tomorrow, yes? (Someone reassure me and make me feel better...)

I have to pee, but I don't want to get up... fail.

I'm chillin' at Panera and soaking up their free wifi. I heart doing this. I can get my comp, phone and iPod all wifi'ing at the same time. :) Good times.

I want a new camera... yes, let's talk about that for a minute.

The new Verizon Wireless "Droid" phone, (which, by the way... it the most geektastic name of a phone EVAAR) has a 5 megapixel camera...

Now, previously I blogged about how my mama said her first digital camera was a 2 megapixel $700 Fugifilm camera and now she has a 2 megapixel camera in her cell phone... I said that when I spoke to my dad I was saying that one day they would have 10 megapixel cameras in cell phones...

I have a 2 megapixel camera in my cell phone currently and I really did not expect the leap to 5 megapixels in a cell phone for another year or so... so I am astonished and very impressed The cell phone looks a bit... eh... but it's very impressive that they placed a 5 megapixel camera into a cell phone...

My current camera is a 6 megapixel Canon. I've had it for nearly 4 years. Oh lord... I can't believe that 1) I just admitted that... and 2) that it's REALLY been that long.

The camera that I was looking to get was the Nikon Coolpix P90, however, I then decided that a 24x zoom might help me in concerts... that although the 15 fps is facking *moans* incredible and the swivel LCD screen is awesome... that it's not what I need to make money or do anything productive with my photography. This is more of a camera to have fun with... to take to concerts and just around town with me... I still want this camera, but I need something different.

So then I went back to dSLR talk and that's when I found out that the camera I wanted, the Nikon D60, has been discontinued.

Now I'm forced to either get the Nikon D40... a 6.1 megapixel "beginner's" dSLR, or shell out a little more for the new Nikon D3000.

The D3000 seems to be Nikon's 'replacement' for the D60... it's a 10.2 megapixel camera with a few upgrades from the D60.

Obviously I want the D3000 over the D40. Price is of course what's holding me back. $469 vs $599... quite a price difference...

So then do I wait it out longer and continue to save for the D3000 or do I get the D40 "now" and do the best with what I've got?

My biggest gripe about the D40? I already have a 6 megapixel camera... to go from a 6 megapixel to a 6.1 megapixel dSLR... will I even notice? I know that it's Nikon... that it's a dSLR and it has capabilities that my Canon does not have, but would that even be worth it? I'm not sure and I can't seem to decide what I want to do.

*le sigh*

Picture of the Day:

It's true.

Guidance Of Your Flame

"Interchanging mind control,

Come let the revolution take it's toll,

If you could flick and switch and open your third eye,

You'd see that we should never be afraid to die..."

11.

So... trying something 'new'... trying to have a birthday party again this year. Jennifer doesn't understand why I still try. Her constant faith is very reassuring. I guess I keep trying because I want to believe that people are busy and that they actually DO like me, they just have a schedule to keep up with.

Got a few RSVP's for 'yes'. Loadssss of 'maybe's, which made me still feel really good. Seriously, if like 5 people come to my party, I'm going to consider that a success.

One of the people to RSVP yes was Rikki. Rikki and I met freshman year and though we were pretty close in HS we've drifted through the years... one thing that Rikki has always done for me that I'll never forget though is that she's ALWAYS come to my birthday party when I've invited her. Each and every time. Some years she's been the only person to ever acknowledge my birthday.

Kristi always RSVP'd yes to my party this year. She's always been good at my birthday celebration too... So whereas I may not have the most consistent relationship with either of these girls... they're both so good to me that it hurts.

I invest so much stock in my birthday. I know that I do this... I do it consciously and though I know I shouldn't do it... I still fucking do it.

Every year my birthday is this huge event... spanning from the day after Thanksgiving until Christmas... My actual birth DAY is my day of HOPE. I hope that it'll be better than the last year, I hope that people will remember it, I hope that I'll get what I asked for...

I can't tell if I'm stressing more or less this year. I reckon it'll end up being more stressful since I'm having an actual party... then when no one shows up and I get plastered on margaritas, I'll end up realizing that there are so many good people out there in this world and I need to move on from the people that I know who keep blowing me off and find the good people.

Now, please... I'm not ungrateful or unrealistic... I understand that not everyone can drop everything to come to my birthday party... please don't think I think that... I am thankful that people are actually RSVPing this year because in years passed I mostly went weeks and weeks without hearing anything and then just no one showed up. And trust... I'm not going to axe everyone in my life who doesn't show up for my stupid party.

I'll be 25 this year... wow. I talked to my Mama today and neither of us know when or how that happened. This is the first year that I've actually started to kinda freak over the number.

Jennifer is super relaxed over 25... I think she may actually be looking forward to it... not me... for reasons that I might discuss closer to my actual birthday, but they aren't too hard to figure out if you have half a mind.

It seriously seems like I just turned 21 yesterday. I remember that birthday vividly... Twas a good birthday... that was actually the last time I attempted a party. I had a good cake. That was before I had a digital camera -- I got the digital camera for Christmas that year... 21st birthday I got my Bella-dog... I still don't have photos developed from that birthday. Terrible.

Film is the devil.

I didn't really have a theme for my 21st birthday party... I had a tiara on my cake... I wore a beautiful, strapless blue silk dress with a sheer overlay and beaded bodice with glittered, strappy, silver stilettos. Wore a tiara, of course... which I've done every year since and I do believe it might be time to retire the tiara... can't tell yet. It just might not go with my party theme.

This year the theme is a beach house party... :) Jennifer and I are pretty stoked for it. At first I was going to have maybe an Alice In Wonderland theme, but I didn't think many people would give a shit... but a beach theme?! That's something that can please everyone!

I won't tell you loads of details, because for those attending, I want them to be surprised... but obviously... beach theme... gonna be balls awesome on the decorations! I can't wait to set it up. We maaay have found some inflatable things. XD margaritas, rum and Corona's galore! Cute little foods and cupcakes. :)

...Apparently, I have to make my own cupcakes... *rolls eyes* I kinda just wanted to buy them, but whatevs. I guess I'm making my own cupcakes. LOL I decided on cupcakes this year. Usually I am strictly a cake girl. Perhaps I'll be greedy and have both. Even though we both know I won't eat but like, a bite since I'm soo not into sweets, but it's just the point of the whole thing! Plus, Jenn loves cake. I know none will go to waste. ;)

Oh... and there's gonna be a pinata! XD Haven't had one of those since the very first of bad birthday parties... my 1st grade birthday party.

Picture Of The Day:

No one gets this.

No one understands it.

I stood atop the walkway for a half-hour while I tried to find a setting on my camera that apparently has gotten up, packed its bags and left me. I found my way around it to ultimately make the photo better... I took these open shutter photos after closing my eyes a few days before the Vegas trip and SEEING the photo... imagining it. Envisioning it.

No one cares that I took this photo.

I told my Mama about the photo on the phone and she said "Awesome! It's great to hear someone excited about photography again... I haven't been lately." So then I emailed her the photo and she replied back, "cool!"

That's it.

Just "cool!"

I showed the photo to Jennifer and she goes, "neat..." in a dry tone. She really just doesn't understand my photography.

Perhaps it really is a very shitty photo... perhaps I suck as a photographer and everyone GETS that but me... but me? I cried when I saw this photo that *I* took... just a few baby tears of absolute astonishment that *I* could take something like this with my plain, mediocre camera. (Mama says it's the photographer, not the camera...)

I love this photo. I think it is the end-all be-all and the most amazing photo that I have taken to date. It's my wallpaper on my computer and my phone... I adore it... I just wish that others felt the same way...

Not that I want them to lie to me, of course... I just don't understand... or maybe I don't want to believe the truth that's right in front of me.

Shooting The Moon

"All of the astronauts,

Champagne in plastic cups,

Waiting for the big hero to show,

Outside the door he stands

His head in his hands

And his heart in his throat,

What can he tell em now?

Sorry I let you down,

Sorry it wasn't quite true,

But don't get hung up on it,

Just soldier on with it and

Good luck with shooting the moon..."

Lately I've felt like I'm constantly on the brink of something... like I'm peeling back the layers and I'm almost to the juicy center. However the ways it's been going, the center it rotten. I'm just going to keep peeling until I get to a center that's ripe and ready.

If I could start over tomorrow, would I? And if I did, is there anything that I would change? Would I still hurt the people I have hurt? Love the people I have loved? And continue to make the same bad decisions? Would I still face the same addictions? Cut in the same places? Cry at the same times?

I know that I can't start over... but there's always the hope that I can and that I'm just brave enough to not push restart.

Brave. Bravery... That's something that I've never been called before. I wouldn't consider myself a coward, but am I brave? Not particularly.

So what am I? Where am I headed? Will I know that I'm there when I get there? I wonder.

Lately I've wondered why I am still alive. Why I am really here on this planet. "They" say that we all have a purpose, but what if I don't have a purpose? What if my one purpose is to not have a purpose? I guess I can't even say that because I have affected people's lives. Probably not many for the better and much more for the worse - but I still have impacted them.

I came into this world wrecking lives and I reckon that wouldn't be the worst way to go out. 'I'll gladly go down in a flame, if a flame's what it takes to remember my name.' - That line always gives me goosebumps and brings tears to the back of my eyes because it's how I've always felt.

I really have been trying to be a better person. That wasn't bullshit. Since the day that we got back from Vegas we've both been trying to be better people. I know that we've hurt you. I can generalize that because we've hurt a lot of people - but do you know how many people have hurt us? Not that that is an excuse... it's just so much easier to love each other, to stick together when we understand each other so clearly. We can have an entire conversation and end in understanding without saying a single word to each other. It's hard to believe that anyone will ever be there for me like she is. We just have an understanding. I know that this bond frustrates some most people, but I feel blessed to have a someone.

Some people have their families and though we have come from two different backgrounds, we don't really have families... for separate reasons, of course... but it's still amazing that we have each other. Without her I don't think I wo... wait... no... I know that without her I wouldn't be here.

There have been many, many times that she's talked me off the ledge. There have also been the same amount of times that she's put me on said ledge. She's pried the knife from my hands, taken the pills from my mouth, taken the bottle from my hands and literally saved my life...

I've picked up her broken pieces. Wiped the tears from her eyes. Told her that everything was going to be alright, and if it wasn't alright that I would make it alright... yet... every single person around us can't see that we can't live without each other. She's my sister.

My Mama hates her. Her father hates me. My dad is ambivalent, I'm sure. Her mom puts in some effort. My step mom thinks she's the daughter she never had... all my friends hate her. All her friends love me.

Why do people keep saying that we're bad for each other? Why did this blog turn into a story about Jennifer?

Her dad says that her life will continue to be shit until she gets away from "that girl" and that I'm the reason that she's the horrible, nasty person she is today. My Mama... well...

This December she will have been in my life for 10 years. Let me tell you something, people... she's not going anywhere. She's the one person who has remained constant. She's the only person I've been honest with. She's the first person I let in... no, she won't be the last...

The more these people push me... us... the more they think they'll tear us apart. The thing is... that's the farther and faster that we'll pull away and push you out of our life.

I don't only want her. I don't only need her. But when it comes down to it, you know that's who I'll choose if you make me.