Rings Of Smoke Through The Trees

"Well I'm drawn in the smoke, 
And I'm starting to choke, 
As I put on my coat, 
With this lighter I hold, 
Oh it's the flame that's delivering another fine dose, 
Of that sweet, sweet smoke..." 

Today would be what all couples call "Valentine's Day". As I posted on my Facebook status earlier today: "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? If you are single on Valentine's Day, do you need to acknowledge it's existence?" 


It is something to think about, isn't it? Today is just February 14th for me. You know what else? Up until about 10 minutes ago, I thought today was Saturday. Apparently Saturday fell off the map. Today is Sunday. Plan your life accordingly.


"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye." - Miss Piggy

I used to want to be Miss Piggy so badly. I adored her relationship with Kermit, although I really felt like she loved him waay more than he ever loved her back. Pity. She's a catch. ;) [[Fun fact about Jodie; for my 7th birthday party I had so many helium balloons that I went around pretending I was Gonzo from The Muppet Movie. #winatlife]]

Kermit: "Gonzo! What are you doing?" 
Gonzo: "About seven knots!" 

I think I'm dehydrated. 2 days ago I drank half a gallon of water and 3 cups of juice... yesterday I drank another half gallon of water and after having to pee every ten minutes I decided I was done drinking, even though I was still thirsty.

Now I'm sitting here... thirsty. Again.

My dreams have been very lucid lately. Every morning for the past several years I've always woken up with a song in my head... don't know how, don't know where it comes from -- it's not like it's the same song that I heard the day before or anything like that, sometimes it'll be a song that I haven't heard for years and it'll just pop into my head in my sleep... anyways, for the past few days I've meant to Twitter the song that I wake up with, but I can never find my phone with my eyes closed...

Perhaps I'll try and remember to do that tomorrow morning.

Back to my dreams... about a week ago I guess it was, I had a dream in which I lost a tooth. I texted my friends and said, "in true Reaper form, last night I had a dream where I lost my teeth..." 

Now, for those who know me or know me well, know that I take excellent care of my teeth, that I've had extensive dental work done in order to correct my massive overbite as a child.

This is a picture of me from 1992 with my facemask, this was post hyrax, pre-braces... I had a massive overbite and in order for them to correct this before puberty, I had to have extensive dental work done. I had spacers for my hyrax before I even entered kindergarten.

The hyrax stretched across the roof of my mouth and it had a tiny key that my dad had to crank three times each night before I went to bed - this stretched the roof of my mouth wider. (With an overbite, you bottom jaw goes over your top teeth, making you look like a pit bull instead of your bottom fitting inside the top like it should... the hyrax was making the roof of my mouth wider than my bottom jaw. Had they waited until puberty hit I would have had to have some of my bottom jaw removed in order for it to fit correctly.)

After that I had the facemask (pictured above) and that pulled my front teeth forward, pushing my bottom jaw backwards. I was lucky that I didn't have to wear it during school -- I only had to wear it 6 weeks and then I slept in it for 6 weeks... It wasn't so bad, actually. I didn't mind it much.

Next was standard braces. I didn't need a full set; top four teeth, bottom four teeth... I can't remember how long I wore those for but I do remember always picking out fun colors for my rubber bands. (When I would have dance recitals I would put pink and black bands on there since those were my dance team colors. ^_^)

When I got into a car wreck in 2002, I nearly went through the windshield, I got completely smashed up, broke three fingers, was carted away on a stretcher and had to go through rehabilitation in order to move my neck correctly; but the only thing I cared about seconds after the wreck was if all my teeth were still intact. I literally checked them before I even noticed I had broken anything.

So for me to have this dream that I lose my teeth... it's... graphic. What one could consider a "worst nightmare" situation. Dream Moods says that losing your teeth is a sign of fear or anxiety. Also since teeth are a sign of power, it could be the feeling of losing your control and power over a situation... since this dream happened right after my return from LA - it definitely makes sense. All my worries... all my anxieties... most of which cannot be quelled for another 16 days.

Picture of the Day:

Soon Everybody Will Ask What Became Of You

"As the flash bulbs burst,

She holds a smile,

Like someone would hold,

A crying child..."

It's been a few days... 5 to be exact now since there's only 5 days left before I go see the Monkey boys. :)

I am leaving on Wednesday morning. I cannot wait to get to Nashville. Can't. Freaking. Wait. Jennifer is going to drive down to Nashville after work on Friday and then the Monkeys concert is Saturday night.

I can't wait to see my Willow. *beams* Can't. Wait. I will finally be able to breathe again...

(God, both our boobs look freaking great here... just sayin'.)

This is soo my favorite photo ever. Hopefully I will get my ass in line and take more photos of us on this trip than I did in August. August! Can you believe it's been so long since I've seen my Willow? Or my Monkeys?!! Insane.

This trip... *bites lip* I don't know... I guess I don't want to express all of my worries here (for obvious reasons) however, this trip is worrying me... I'm worried about so many different aspects of it - ultimately I want to just GO and just GET THERE and just BE with my Willow. Then perhaps either we can worry about these things together or we'll just say "fuck it" and we won't worry about any of it and we'll just GO and have a fucking great time... Lord knows. *shrugs*

I'm stoked for Friday... *excited squeal* ...but I'll tell you about it AFTER it happens. I am so not jinxing that!!! XD

I'm nervous. Anxious. Excited. Nervous. Nervous. Shaking. Anxious. Excited. Why? I'll tell you why:

<--THAT IS WHY.

The last two times that I was supposed to meet/see Jackson he unfortunately had to cancel because of Eclipse filming/scheduling... but this time? This time he is GOING to be there... and I'm... well... yep.

I'm still waiting for it to hit me and sink in. I wish myself good luck with that. (I'm so screwed.)

Pic of the Day:

Lady Gaga is my hero/style icon.

Shooting The Moon

"All of the astronauts,

Champagne in plastic cups,

Waiting for the big hero to show,

Outside the door he stands

His head in his hands

And his heart in his throat,

What can he tell em now?

Sorry I let you down,

Sorry it wasn't quite true,

But don't get hung up on it,

Just soldier on with it and

Good luck with shooting the moon..."

Lately I've felt like I'm constantly on the brink of something... like I'm peeling back the layers and I'm almost to the juicy center. However the ways it's been going, the center it rotten. I'm just going to keep peeling until I get to a center that's ripe and ready.

If I could start over tomorrow, would I? And if I did, is there anything that I would change? Would I still hurt the people I have hurt? Love the people I have loved? And continue to make the same bad decisions? Would I still face the same addictions? Cut in the same places? Cry at the same times?

I know that I can't start over... but there's always the hope that I can and that I'm just brave enough to not push restart.

Brave. Bravery... That's something that I've never been called before. I wouldn't consider myself a coward, but am I brave? Not particularly.

So what am I? Where am I headed? Will I know that I'm there when I get there? I wonder.

Lately I've wondered why I am still alive. Why I am really here on this planet. "They" say that we all have a purpose, but what if I don't have a purpose? What if my one purpose is to not have a purpose? I guess I can't even say that because I have affected people's lives. Probably not many for the better and much more for the worse - but I still have impacted them.

I came into this world wrecking lives and I reckon that wouldn't be the worst way to go out. 'I'll gladly go down in a flame, if a flame's what it takes to remember my name.' - That line always gives me goosebumps and brings tears to the back of my eyes because it's how I've always felt.

I really have been trying to be a better person. That wasn't bullshit. Since the day that we got back from Vegas we've both been trying to be better people. I know that we've hurt you. I can generalize that because we've hurt a lot of people - but do you know how many people have hurt us? Not that that is an excuse... it's just so much easier to love each other, to stick together when we understand each other so clearly. We can have an entire conversation and end in understanding without saying a single word to each other. It's hard to believe that anyone will ever be there for me like she is. We just have an understanding. I know that this bond frustrates some most people, but I feel blessed to have a someone.

Some people have their families and though we have come from two different backgrounds, we don't really have families... for separate reasons, of course... but it's still amazing that we have each other. Without her I don't think I wo... wait... no... I know that without her I wouldn't be here.

There have been many, many times that she's talked me off the ledge. There have also been the same amount of times that she's put me on said ledge. She's pried the knife from my hands, taken the pills from my mouth, taken the bottle from my hands and literally saved my life...

I've picked up her broken pieces. Wiped the tears from her eyes. Told her that everything was going to be alright, and if it wasn't alright that I would make it alright... yet... every single person around us can't see that we can't live without each other. She's my sister.

My Mama hates her. Her father hates me. My dad is ambivalent, I'm sure. Her mom puts in some effort. My step mom thinks she's the daughter she never had... all my friends hate her. All her friends love me.

Why do people keep saying that we're bad for each other? Why did this blog turn into a story about Jennifer?

Her dad says that her life will continue to be shit until she gets away from "that girl" and that I'm the reason that she's the horrible, nasty person she is today. My Mama... well...

This December she will have been in my life for 10 years. Let me tell you something, people... she's not going anywhere. She's the one person who has remained constant. She's the only person I've been honest with. She's the first person I let in... no, she won't be the last...

The more these people push me... us... the more they think they'll tear us apart. The thing is... that's the farther and faster that we'll pull away and push you out of our life.

I don't only want her. I don't only need her. But when it comes down to it, you know that's who I'll choose if you make me.

Keep The Car Running

"Gonna make some plans, wait and see,

Turn it off, turn me on...

Open your eyes look around you,

Fuck what you heard,

You were lied to..."

This morning I woke up twice. Once at 530a-ish and again at 930a-ish... both of which are too damn early for me.

Why did I wake up that early, you ask? Because it was like 50-fucking-degrees in my house and I was literally shaking from being so damn cold.

I think my dreams get weirder when I'm freezing... I had a dream that I was in Vegas and at a charity event and Muse was performing. My childhood friend, Shena, was sitting across the table from me and Paul (who I met last year in Vegas) was next to me. His blue eyes were piercing. That was the most vivid part about the dream; his blue eyes. Jennifer was off galavanting with Timberlake and it pissed me off... LOL Figures.

Today was hardly productive. I think I did three or four posts for Truth... nowhere near enough to consider it a full day of work. Reckon the news had better stop being slow or Imma start just making up shit. (I would never do that, for those who don't understand my sense of humor.)

Talked to my Daddy tonight! :) That was really awesome, actually. I keep trying to think back about the last time I talked to him and I can't remember if I have talked to him since the 4th of July...? Either way, it's been so freaking long that I can't remember and that's just sad.

I always wonder if I have anything to say to him, but then we end up talk-talk-talking, which I love. We always talk about technology too, which rocks. My dad is the only person I know who loves technology, yet doesn't have a computer. LOL

He told me about these glasses that have a camera in the frame of them and our mind both went to the same place: CONCERTS. Yep. That made me happy, I am my father's daughter. *beams*

From there I told him about how I went to have coffee with my Mama and she took a picture of me with her cell phone and then told me that her cell phone camera was a 2.0 megapixel and that in 2000 her first digital camera was a 2.0 megapixel Fugifilm camera that set her back $700 and now she had 2.0 megapixels in her PHONE. From there I told her that it was insane that the 12.1 megapixel camera I want is only $199.

My dad and I are both flabbergasted by technology.

While I was talking to him I realized that while filming the 1989 Batman they thought they were cool shit... going onto the next Batman (Batman Returns) which was filmed in 1992 - their technology advances just over those 4 years or so was incredibly dramatic and of course it just gets more advanced with Batman Forever and Batman & Robin...

Then I told him that while watching The Dark Knight I'm thinking to myself that this is just the coolest thing in the entire universe and that the quality of it is mindblowing... but then, I'm sure that's what they thought about all four of those Batman films, right?

So if the technology from 2000 to 2009 can expand this far with digital cameras, eventually there is going to be a 12.1 megapixel camera inside of your PHONE. Think about that.

Now think about how awesome The Dark Knight was... It's been 20 years since the first Batman movie... you know how shitty it looks? Think about watching The Dark Knight 20 years from now and thinking that it looked "shitty".

That's almost hard to wrap your mind around, but you should get used to that idea because that's where we're headed.

Technology is ever changing and as my Daddy said, it's supply and demand... there's always going to be a demand for it, for something better... so they're always going to have to make better.

My Dad also told me that my thinking of this was pretty progressive, which I'll admit, made me very happy to hear. I think it also just means that I think of things that others are too busy to think of... my mind works differently than yours.

Pic of the Day:

Jackson in Hurt...

I'm kinda anxious for this DVD to come out. (November 10th, 2009) I saw two mini clips today and got all kinds of excited that he's an artist in the film.

He was welding (*DROOL*) an octopus and his girlfriend was like, "eeew!" And snapped back at her, "they're beautiful." And then he told her that if they get a tentacle cut off they can grow it back and that they have three hearts... I mean, c'mon... that's automatic badass on the sea-creature scale.