The Results Are In...

I just got a call from Angel over at Malley Surgical about the Lap-Band contest. Find out what she said... after the jump!

xoxox

Self Worth

"Hunger hurts, and I wanna hurt so bad,
Oh it kills,
Cuz I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up,
I've got to fold cuz these hands are too shaky hold,
Hunger hurts, but starving works,
But it costs too much, to love..."

Sometimes things just randomly pop into my head, as this one did - and I was lucky that it stuck there long enough for me to remember to write a blog about it.

Tomorrow -- well, today if you're counting the date on top of this blog -- Wednesday, I have a date... I guess I haven't been on a proper date in around a year or so... I had a lame ass boyfriend for a while, but he only took me out on one date - other than that he just came to my house where we just drank beer, smoked pot and he made fun of my best friend... not what I would call a date by any means.

Oh, we did manage to go to the bar quite often, but ehh, that's not a date. Last time I saw him was for my birthday. (I dumped him, if you were wondering. That might be a whole other blog in itself...)

Onward... I met him and started dating him in March, we were on and off til December. On one of our 'off' periods in late April/early May Jennifer and I were at the casino when this cute hottie boy came over to our table and asked me what my name was, chatted with us for a few and then went back to his friend. I was giddy because he was so cute!!

His name was Aaron, he had an iPhone and I remember that I was impressed with it because they were still new then. He came back to our table later and sat with us, had a few cigarettes, chatted me up and we swapped numbers...

He was too cute... way too cute.

It was near closing time and we left... he called me before we had gotten to the car and I ignored the call. He persisted and called and called and called...

I was glad that I didn't answer the phone because he was clearly crazy... he called me for like 2 days straight. Never once leaving a message. Weirdo.

But that's not why I didn't answer... I didn't answer because I was like, "why would a guy like THAT want to be with a girl like ME?"

My entire life I've battled self worth. I definitely do not feel like I'm good enough for anything. I'll be the first to tell you, I don't deserve a lot...

I'm not sure if my self worth image has to do anything with my obesity, but I'm sure as heck that it doesn't help. I guess I would say it's worse because of my obesity, but it's not based on it. I say that because I've never felt I was good enough for anything my whole life, and I haven't always been overweight.

I was quite normal at one point in life. I didn't have an issue with my weight until I was 11, when I gained weight upon moving to Kansas City, but by 14, with the help of puberty and an eating disorder, I was a very normal weight -- only to gain all that, plus back and by 15 I was 200 pounds.

(Realization moment: In 9 years, (which just so happen to be the 9 years I've been with Jennifer) I've gained 100 pounds. Well then...)

Off weight, back to self worth -- it's absolutely too ridiculous for me to believe that that guy didn't want me for me... He obviously was talking to me, right? He asked for my number, right? He even called, right? So then what the fuck is wrong with me to feel I don't deserve him?

I've done that with friends. Pretty girls, like "I'm-so-pretty-I-should-be-on-TV" pretty have come up and talked to me at bars and clubs and I always get nervous and suspicious like they have it out for me or something... or that they want something from me...

I definitely settle in life, just because I feel I don't deserve any better. Yes, I have very high goals set for myself, but somehow I always fall short of them because something happens, a set back, something to make me believe like I don't deserve it.

I guess this Lap-Band thing is a good example. I was so surprised to get two call backs because I was so sure that I didn't deserve it. I'm still 99% sure that I won't actually win the Lap-Band surgery, but I am very proud of myself for how far I came with it.

So we've covered men, goals... friends...

Friends... We all know that I've lied to people in the past, that I've sometimes elaborated on details to make myself sound better and more awesome... why? I can honestly say that it's because me for me isn't nearly enough to offer.

I still do it to Jennifer, she knows about it too -- she knows I'm not always truthful... at least I don't lie about things that will end up hurting her, I guess sometimes I just embellish on my day to make it more appealing. Her days are filled with awesomeness and stories and me and my mundane job, my mundane life - I don't do much. So I make up stuff. I'm creative, I'm an artist... I've done it my whole life... I really can't remember not doing it. I can vividly remember doing this in grade school.

I reckon this at some point was a cry for attention. Only child, broken home, shuffled between the houses of broken parents, etc... I guess I wanted to live in an imaginary world - I could make it anything I wanted, I could make it as perfect as I wanted.

This is nice and therapeutic... I'm having breakthroughs here, people...

I really have gotten better at lying, or bending the truth as life has gone on. When I was a teenager I used to completely fabricate full on stories... Now I just stretch slightly. ;-) And, no, it's not everyday, no it's not every time... I don't want you to be suspicious that I'm always lying or something... Trust me, it doesn't even matter it's so minimal now.

Jenn and I watched Nip/Tuck tonight and lesbian-whatsername is engaged to Christian, one of the plastic surgeons... they were having her shower and her mom was constantly wondering and questioning why they were getting married... Finally she came out and said that Christian had cancer and probably only had 6 months to live... her mom said, "oh, now I get it!" And lesbian-whatsername went on and on saying "what? you get what? you get that we're engaged now because he's sick? Because you don't think an attractive doctor could want me for me?" Then she told her mother that it was because of all her friends in the room that she had any self worth at all because her mother hadn't given her any when she was a child.

I guess that's how I feel, except I'm unsure of how I feel within my circle of friends. Sure, I adore them -- and they love me back. I have faith that if they didn't love me, they would leave... but sometimes their awesome overpowers me and I wonder how I came to be their friend in the first place.

Was I at one time, when I met them, more awesome? And with time, my awesome has depreciated? Or do they love me just the way I am... for some unknown reason they actually love this weird Jodie within all this excess skin and blubber...?

I'm sure they will all say the latter... but that could potentially be one of those truth stretching itself outward to protect the person they desire not to hurt, but to entertain.

Pic:

I feel this way about some people who intrude on my Twilight... or my Robert.

*wink*

xoxox

Angel From My Nightmare

"It's hard to wake up when the shades have been pulled shut
This house is haunted, it's so pathetic, it makes no sense at all,
I'm ripe with things to say, my words rot and fall away,
If this stupid poem, could fix this home, I'd read it everyday..."

The highlighted lyric is how I feel... let's see if I can pick out the good words and work on from there.

First of all, thanks so much to the readers/viewers/stalkers (LOL) whatever you wanna call yourselves. ;-) Comments are yay and I'm happy I've been getting more of them. :-) If you have a blog and you comment my blog, I'll follow your blog and comment them dos. Yay?!

I've been doing well expressing myself via blog lately. I am loving how organic and natural speaking on here is becoming. I guess there was once a time several months ago -to- around a year ago that speaking on here was difficult and it was hard for me to remain accurate and honest with my day to day life accounts.

Although there are many parts of my private life I leave out of this blog (parentals, jobs I'm holding down - (too boring and gross to go into discussion) - some aspirations I don't want crushed, and things I find might be TOO bragging) I try to divulge as much as is necessary in order to get my point across.

I guess I've been doing a good job at it, but perhaps not good enough... (Now, I feel like I'm not making sense at all. Sometimes my mind races faster than the words I want to get out can come out.)

You are in the middle of a giant wheel, as you stand in the middle of this wheel - the things you love, the things that affect your life and other parts of it stand around you; this wheel spins.

Life is a silly wheel, you know? Sometimes it goes around and around and everything stays perfect just where it is - then sometimes it spins a lil too fast and a few things fall off (jobs, friends, people die, electronics you love crash) sometimes the next time the wheel spins around you pick them back up (new jobs, new friends, getting over the death of a loved one, new BlackBerries and computers) ...and then sometimes you don't.

As this wheel of life spins, in the greater sense of things I've learned that the point of this wheel is to keep it spinning. There's no point jumping off the wheel chasing after things that were meant to be falling off...

In conclusion, my wheel is going at a fine pace, wish it could go a little faster, but it's nice a steady - everything where it is in my life now, is staying there - the things that aren't there anymore are off sent into the universe, doing good (or bad) somewhere else on someone else's wheel.

Playlist:

I hope all this made sense. It's bound to go over someone's head. LOL

Piccc:


Robert Fucking Pattinson at the Oscars. Lordy meee... he cleans up gooood... though there are many parts of me (parts I like to keep covered...) that like him unshowered, unshaven, and dirrrrrty... I saw hundreds of RPattz photos from Sunday, but this was the only one that made me actually stop breathing. His eyes are piercing my soul... those lips areaeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... excuse me while I flatline.

The All Night Blog

"Could you sympathize with my needs?
I know you think I need a lot..."

--http://twitpic.com/1mhey - ever notice how wine openers look like lil men?!

I was so bored today I was actually contemplating shoving a pen in my eye just so I could have something interesting happen to me. Instead I decided to crack open a bottle of wine. That ^^ one, actually.

I've had about a glass of wine and I'm starting to feel it, oh right... I haven't eaten in days.

The other day I drank a whole bottle and didn't feel a thing. How can that be? Man... that's not good.

WTF am I watching? This is like, Eskimos in an igloo drinking cosmopolitans...?

Alright, new plan... it's 9:31p, I'm just going to blog all night long... Literally. It's Saturday, Jenn should be home by 2a and I'm so fucking bored, so yeah, let's see how this goes. I'm just basically going to type everything (well...) I think.

9:32 - Samantha Brown on the Travel Channel is apparently what I was watching. I like her, she's slightly annoying, but not so annoying that I turn the channel. She's one lucky bitch. I've watched her for years and she's been everywhere. Now, how do I get her job?

9:33 - uh oh, I lost the clicker...

9:34 - nevermind, I found it...

I am obsessed with Twitter now. I update it like, constantly, yet no one gives two shakes. LOL I'm on SecretTwit, which is like, PostSecret, but with Twitter... it's super interesting.

9:35 - I'm listening to Matchbox 20... Seriously. Add me, assholes. http://www.last.fm/user/hellojodie

9:37 - ooh, House is on. I'm watching it for the third time today...

So, I've been thinking recently, and in light of this entire Lap-Band thing I think I've realized just how fucked I am. I'm having dinner with the dad/step mom combo on the 1st and I'm going to tell them that I am/was up for the surgery and see what they say. I might even get deep and admit fault in how huge and *cringe* morbidly obese I am... Ideally, the response I would love to get from them would be -- "well if you don't win the surgery we'll help you..." I don't have the money reserved to get the surgery myself, I don't have insurance, I don't have credit to finance it. I need help...

That's the first time I've been able to admit that I need help when it comes to losing weight. It's been years and I still have done nothing but harm myself. I really don't know what I'm going to do...

9:50 - just watched Aston's video of the inside of Demi's Oscar party. He's awesome, I love Ashton. He's very personable. I think that's Iowa talking.

9:51 - got some cork pieces in my next glass of wine... Man, I thought I did that perfect too. Guess not...

9:59 - I think I want to walk to the gas station and get something to nosh...

10:12 - back... got more than I needed... finally listened to The Script "We Cry" on the way there... I adore it...

Speaking of birds... I was thinking of getting sparrows tattooed on me...

10:14 - Robert sure has a heckuva sense of humor. ;-) http://i40.tinypic.com/30ihk60.jpg

10:16 - am I eating because I'm hungry or because I'm bored and love the taste of food?

10:17 - Iced lemon cookie makes Mama happy.

10:20 - I don't really care for Cheetos, but I love the Flamin' Hot ones... why? Because nothing is ever hot enough for me... Just tried the Cheddar Jalapeno ones. Not hot enough, but I love the jalapeno taste!

10:22 - why do they call 'hot tubs' 'spas'??

10:23 - if someone replies back with JUST the answer to that question, I'll kill them.

10:36 - watching SNL. I think Hugh Laurie is the host... repeat that I missed so yay!

10:39 - Shout out to NaomiBug! You're pretty awesome for a total stranger! ;-)

10:50 - Hugh Laurie = hilarious and always reminds me of Nicole. :-)

10:55 - I'm pretty amazed that Hugh can just swap in and out between British/American accents.... but then again I can speak British at the drop of a hat...

10:56 - drop of a hat??? Who's dropping hats?

10:57 - holy crap he can sing in an American accent too... haha, he basically rocks the casbah.

11:07 - just called Jenn to bug the crap out of her and tell her that Justin's gonna climb Mt. Kilimanjaro --- okay, I just read that and oh Hell no. Justin can't do that. Fuck me.

11:11 - that Kanye West performance that everyone talked about it on... Wow, yeah he really sucks. He's got in-ears in... can't he hear how horrible he is?

11:19 - I'm thinking I might need to nap for a bit... will post this blog in a min.

12:53 - woke up from nap... snapped at Jennifer when she called... all I'm doing now is thinking about the Lap-Band... Shame on me.

I think this is where we part ways, my friend. I shall update tomorrow with something of interest and actual substance in a blog form.

Lovessssss.

Champagne From A Paper Cup

"That little f***** with the earring and the makeup
Yeah, buddy, that's his own hair...
That little f***** got his own jet airplane,
That little f***** he's a millionaire..."

I'm loving my Twitter right now.

So I tried a different brand of Champagne this week... it was hard to open and tasted... tasted... eh... I've never had trouble opening Champagne before, so that was weird... Come to think of it, when have I ever had trouble opening a drink?

I trimmed Bella's nails today with my PediPaws I got for Christmas from my step mom. I had already bought one, but I think I accidentally put it in storage, so it was quite handy to have two of them.

So we've all (I assume) have heard how they have a release date for New Moon (the 2nd Twilight movie) and they haven't even started filming the movie yet. (November 20, 2009) Well now they have a release date for Eclipse!!!!! (June 30, 2010) The movies are going to be filmed back to back and so close together that Chris Weitz (who's directing New Moon) won't be able to direct Eclipse because he'll be editing New Moon!!! Is that insane of whaaaaat?!

I'm freaking stoked.

So, I hate my natural hair color... I guess I was loving just the plain blond I did a min ago... I love the pink... was thinking about doing teal next... however, I get sick of doing my stupid roots. Was thinking of finally going black. The only time I've had black hair was when I had it on the underside from 2004-2006. Man, I rocked that look a long time. I don't want just brown hair. That's so plain and fugly. Who knows... who said looking good was easy.

Jodie's hair through the years:


Age 9?? Natural blond. Never chemically treated.


2001, age 17 I had no idea I had curly hair, my teens were pretty awkward.


After chemically treating my hair tons since I was 13, I decided it was time for a break and I didn't dye my hair for an entire year. 2007.


May 2008, back to blond...


June 2008, was already tired of keeping up with my roots, the darkest my hair has ever been.


Last week before pink - the lightest my hair has ever been.


Current, the pinkest my hair has ever been!

I've left out a few of them, couldn't find a good pic of a few of em... so what now?

I guess I didn't have a load to talk about... oh wells. Comments are love.

Pic:



xoxox

Joe-dee Plah-tzzzzz

Chris Brown>Rihanna

"Don't tell me you're sorry cuz you're not,
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught..."

Happy Birthday, Rihanna.

I haven't said anything about the entire Chris Brown/Rihanna thing up until now. Why? I have an opinion about everything, so why not? I guess I felt there wasn't enough evidence for me to make a proper evaluation yet.

Well, I have enough knowledge to make a full decision now.

Chris Brown's half-assed "apology/statement" was NOT enough.



[click here to view the original TMZ page]

She looks so sad...

I feel absolutely terrible that this happened to her. She doesn't deserve this. I absolutely adore her and just can't believe that this happened to her.

I officially have to delete my Chris Brown tracks from my iTunes. There's no way I'm going to be able to listen to his songs again. I've never deleted a song from iTunes. (with the exception of when I've had duplicated tracks.)

I can't wait to hear her side of the story. Poor lamb...

xoxox

Get better babe. Come back stronger and more awesome. If I ever see Chris Brown out, Imma show him what's up.

Lappie-Band Aid

"I'm not quite sure how to breathe without you here,
I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to say goodbye to all we were,
Be with me, stay with me, just for now,
Let the time decide when I won't need you..."

I had my meeting today for the Lap-Band surgery with 4 other chickas. From the minute I saw them, I hated them - they were my competition... but then they started to talk to me and I started to love them. They were so nice.

The actual meeting? I'm not sure how it went. I think I blew it. But then again, I thought I blew the last one. LOL! Which, Angel (the director of this whole ordeal) said that it was crazy, she had never heard of anyone just thinking they blew this kind of interview. LOL Angel is great. I really adore her.

I bawled my little eyes out, of course... Talking in front of all these people who know exactly how you feel... it was extraordinary and completely therapeutic. They were all either married or engaged... I felt so alone being the only single chicka there. ;-) I exchanged numbers with them, they were all so wonderful. Such beautiful, wonderful women. If I don't get it, I hope someone from my group does.

Honestly, I don't know how they're gonna pick down from the 25 - everyone is so passionate, so deserving... It's absolutely crazy. I of course, hope the best for myself, but I understand if they think someone will be more qualified.

I'm very Zen about the whole ordeal. LOL

I was so excited about today that I finally got to sleep at 6a and then I had to wake up at 10a... I'm absolutely exhausted. My eyes hurt. I'm cold. I'm hungry...

Tonight Jennifer and I are going to get drunkkkkk... err, at least that's the plan.

I emailed my step mom and asked her if she and Daddy could meet Jennifer and I at the Mad Greek in Lawrence soon and we're meeting there Sunday, March 1st... I'm going to tell them then...

I'm getting my Nikon soon!!! EEEE!!! I'm stoked! I worked it out so I can have my camera and not rupture any further plans that'll be taking place in May/June... Heavy on the June side. ;-)

Pic:



The gorgeous, ever-talented, Robert Pattinson. In a screen cap/card thingy from FYE's photobox that you get when you reserve Twilight there. (Which I've done!) Also, Jenn and I are going to the Twilight midnight release party at Hot Topic on March 20th. The have a special edition DVD (who doesn't!? FUCK, Imma be poor... Oh wait... LOL) They have a whole party thing and then they have raffles and access to new merch that isn't available yet!! FUCK ME! I can't wait!

xoxox