Wonderful Fall

"Help, I have done it again,
I have been here many times before,
Hurt myself again today,
And the worst part is there's no one else to blame,
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me, I am small
And needy, warm me up
And breathe me..."

Today was wonderful!!! I got my first check for selling a song!!!!!!!!! AHH! It's incredible. In some way I feel like a real musician now... Like I've actually done something. I've sent my music into the world... Wow.

I *think* I know how I'm spending it... we'll see tomorrow... ;-)

Went to my Mama's for Halloween tonight and it was awesome blossom. I was a very scary ghoul/skeleton and made some kids cry. Haha... alright, I feel bad about that part. LOL

I did Pam's makeup for her to be a dead guy in a coffin. I rawked at it. I'll post pics as soon as I get em from my Mom. As the kids would come up I would pretend I was a statue or whatever and they would go on the porch and my Mom would say in an accent, "please pay your respects to me poor dead husband..." and then Pam would slowly open her eyes and sit up. There were tons of screams!!! As they came off the porch I would stand up and run after them. It was hilarious and I loveeeed it!!! Can't wait for next year!

I'm hungry. I had a piece of pizza today and that's all...

I've made a new friend! I got a friend request from a girl named Samantha a few days ago and we've been chatting, she's pretty cool beans. She called it "full circle" to find out that I was the girl who touched Justin at the end of HBO. Haha... I love it. We're hoping we run into each other when we go to NY because we'll be going around the same time...

So now instead of Pebble Beach Jennifer thinks she wants to go to Vegas... I don't know... girl's crazy!!!!!!

It's after midnight!!! ONE MONTH until my birthday. I can't fucking wait. It's the greatest day that there ever was. I adore it... *sigh* I love Halloween because it's the 31st and it's 31 days until my bday. WOO!

I'm stoked for Thanksgiving this year too. We're gonna have it here and I talked my Mama and Pam into coming over for it, so yay!!! I can't wait!!! It's going to be vegetarian and I was nervous to make a vegetarian dinner for my Dad and step mom because they are the definition of carnivore. LOL But Pam is a mostly vegetarian and my mom used to be, so I know they'll be on board. God, I can't wait!!!

Jennifer gave me an ultimatum today... Ingram Hill on the 18th or shopping Black Friday... I think she'll still let me get a couple things on Black Friday, but I chose Ingram Hill. I am not going to pick shopping over my mens. ;-)

Pic:



God, this sexy.

Abandoned

"If I had a father I might be stronger today,
If I had a brother, maybe I could stay straight,
If I was my mother, I'd get down and pray
And if it wasn't for my sister, I'd be dead today, hey..."

I've been aching to make music lately. *anxious*

Last night was interesting... Well first off - Tuesday night Jenn and I celebrated Matilda's third birthday with a cute little tea party where we had lil homemade pizza's. (English muffins, sauce and cheese. Yum) Afterwards we went over to Jasmine's and watched Shrek 3 and didn't get home until 4a. I just took my house keys off my whole keychain and attached them to my camera because it was easier that way...

Anyhow, so last night Jenn gets home and we're gonna go to the store to get some dinner and I am almost to the door and I was like, "Oh I guess I need keys." And so I go back to my purse and I grab my keychain and go walk out the door and as soon as the door closed behind me I looked down and realized I never put my house keys back on my keychain.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

When Jasmine moved out they changed the top lock, but not the bottom and obviously the bottom lock was all that was locked, but it was about 1:35a and Jasmine and Damon were already asleep... :-(

So we go to the grocery store and use their phone -- we had nothing with us other than money and the keys to the van... Jenn calls the landlady and asks her if on her way to work she can come let us in -- she's a principal @ a school like 2 blocks from us...

We drive back home and try pounding on Jasmine's door again... Nothing...

So then we try all the windows on the house... well I keep them locked for this very reason, LOL... Jenn says her windows are unlocked and I tell her to scale the house then or go steal a ladder. LOL

We talk for a while in the van both sitting up in the front and I ask Jennifer if the middle seats lay down so we can like, make a bed... she goes back there and starts fucking with the seats and we find out the middle seats fold forward and the seats go back and forth -- like forwards backwards... eventually we decide to take a nap and when I get back to the back back of the van I find out that they tilt back...

So I kinda made like a bed back there, but there was about a foot inbetween the seat we were laying on and the seat our feet and legs were on, Jenn seemed comfortable but I'm about 5"s taller than her and I can't sleep on my back so I was on my side and eventually I felt like my hip was gonna break.

There was a blanket in the van and Jenn used her jacket as a pillow, meanwhile my Hello Kitty was still in the van from Vegas and Kitty makes the best pillow. ;-) We slept for a while and I got cold... I saw a school bus go by... eventually the sun came up and Jenn went and knocked on Jasmine's door again -- Damon answered and gave her his keys he still had so we got in a little after 8a.

The landlady never came. I don't know what we would have done if Damon didn't have a key. :-(

Boy! I had to pee!!!

I applied Jennifer for like, a trillion jobs on Career Builder.com and she's had 2 interviews in 2 days and we just set up her acct 3 days ago. She's got tons of call backs. She wants to get the job that she interviewed for today.

It's working for CitiGroup as a financial advisor. She would help people get out of debt, plan retirement, etc... and make $40,000-$60,000/yr to start out.

*gasp*

That's a shit ton of money... to go from what she makes now... well let me put this in perscpective... working at just the one McD she makes $15,360 before taxes/overtime. (She still has yet to get her raise for being a certified manager, she should have gotten it back in August. *mad*) When she has two jobs, it's about $20,000

I think she said the most she ever made was when she was working at Thrifty and she made like $22,000.

Anyhow, so to make $40,000 with one job, whoaaaa. Awesome blossom. I can deal with that. I really hope she gets this job. If not this one she just had an interview to be an executive assistant that makes $12.50/hr. Also she's got an interview with H&R Block where during the tax season she's allowed to work open to close for extra overtime. Awesome. :-) So she's got tons on her plate here and they are ALL 6 steps up from McD. I am so proud...

Annnd, she promised to take me and my friend to PF Changs to celebrate and stuff since if it wasn't for us she wouldn't have gotten all these interviews! WOO!

Tonight?? Wine. I've been all about my wine lately. I probably had three bottles last week... well, doesn't that sound lovely. Haha...

Tomorrow?? Halloween!! Didn't get to carve a pumpkin this year... :-( Maybe I can talk Jennifer into letting me get one tonight and then I'll make seeds and such. YAY! I'm going to Mama's at 430, can't wait to scare the shit outta these lil fools!! WOO!

I've been sooo wanting to get my tattoo and my tragus piercing. Itching... Grrr... I want, want, want.

Anyhow, I reckon I don't have anything to say really and I've just been talking to myself on here recently, so yaaaa...

Pic:



Klariza, amazing photographer and Heath addict.

Clip:



Hilary Duff's new video. Sexxxy. HOT HOT HOT. Watch. You're welcome. ;-)

xoxox

I, Me. You.

Some will strut and some will fret
See this an hour on the stage
Others will not but they'll sweat
In their hopelessness and their rage
Were all the same the men of anger
And women of the page

They published your diary
And that's how I got to know you
The key to the room of your own and a mind without end
And here's a young girl
On a kind of a telephone line through time
And the voice at the other end comes like a long lost friend
So I know Im all right
Life will come and life will go
Still I feel its all right
Cause I just got a letter to my soul
And when my whole life is on the tip of my tongue
Empty pages for the no longer young
The apathy of time laughs in my face
You say each life has its place

The hatches were battened
The thunderclouds rolled and the critics stormed
The battle surrounded the white flag of your youth
If you need to know that you weathered the storm
Of cruel mortality
A hundred years later Im sitting here living proof

So you know you're all right
Life will come and life will go
Still you'll feel its all right
Someone will get a letter to your soul
When your whole life is on the tip of your tongue
Empty pages for the no longer young
The apathy of time laughed in your face
Did you hear me say each life has its place

The place where you hold me
Dark in a pocket of truth
The moon had swallowed the sun and the light of the earth
And so it was for you
When the river eclipsed your life
And sent your soul like a message in a bottle to me
And it was my rebirth

So we know were all right
Though life will come and life will go
Still you'll feel its all right
Someone will get a letter to your soul
Then you know you're all right
(when my whole life is on the tip of my tongue)
Then you feel youre all right
(empty pages for the no longer young)
And your hear dry you eyes
(you said)
And you know its all right
(each life has its place)
And your hear dry your eyes
(you said)
And you know its all right
(each life has its place)
And its all right
(itll be all right)

I'll Be The Melody, You Be My Drum

"She's so magic to me
Strangest things have happened
The way that you react to me
I wanna do something you can't imagine..."

I know I'm getting old... my knees and hips pop all the time. I have had knee issues for the longest time, but it's all getting worse lately. When I'm sitting cross legged my knee will get really tight and I haveeee to stretch it out. The other major concern with it is when I'm laying in bed it needs to be popped nearly constantly.

*worries* That's not good.

Last night we were supposed to do some drinking and more karaoking at Jasmine's but decided to forgo it and turn in early... I think we're going to do that tonight though. Jasmine came by earlier to ask if she could do a couple loads of laundry and expressed that she wanted us to come over and drink tonight and whatnot. :-D

*heavy sigh*

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and while I'm not actually sure where I wanna go with that I felt nearly compelled to tell you.

I've just been thinking so hard about what I want out of life... Unfortunately, most of that has to do with how people perceive me. I listed all those things in my blog the other day of what I want to be "when I grow up", and I really thought that somehow that might help me get closer to touching them.

I really want to be liked... loved... understood. I want to be somebody, but unfortunately you can't be somebody in someone's eyes unless you have a career. It's all defined by what you do. When making small talk, what do you say? "What's your name? What do you do for a living?" That's almost always the 2nd or 3rd question someone asks you... and sure they might not actually give a damn, but it's just what they define you by.

You job speaks levels about you.

"What do you do?"
"I work for McDonalds."
Translation [to them]: "I don't make much money and I don't have many career goals in life. I have never been to college."

"What do you do?"
"I'm a doctor."
Translation: "I make lots of money and I am probably better than you. I don't have time for this conversation."

"What do you do?"
"I'm a teacher."
Translation: "I care more about others than I do about myself and I look forward to shaping the young minds of America."

I've told people when I worked for McDonalds that I worked for McDonalds. I saw the cringe on their face. "Yeah... what do you do there?" Translation: "I feel really bad for you and I'm just trying to keep this conversation going."

When people ask me what I do, I tell them I'm a singer. 99% of them get that twinge in their voice that makes it go up a few notes to indicate their surprise. "Really?! Wow..." Then 70% of them respond back with this question: "Where do you sing?"

What the fuck?

The first couple times that I got that response I was taken aback and unprepared for an answer so, as usual, I pulled something out of my ass... Now I'm prepared.

"Um... *look at them like their stupid* Nowhere... I am/was signed to a record label and am currently recording/writing my album."

"Ohhhh..."

I guess I'm just not like some people and I don't really see the point of them asking that question. Anyhow... I understand that people are "defined" by their jobs, but... why?

I've been getting back into my eBaying again. haha. woo!

Well, I reckon I don't need to type a whole lot here...

Have a good night.

Pic:









Happy third birthday, Matilda! I hope you get [almost] everything you asked for, though I know one thing on your list that you can't have. It must be so hard to celebrate it without your Daddy. I know that he's thinking of you and watching over you on this fabulous day. The birthday's will get better, I promise. My first birthday without both my parents was also my third... Love and hugs.

xoxox

Amen Omen

"I live a hundred lifetimes in a day
But I die a little with every breath that I take..."

What to say, what to say... I'm making chili for dinner tonight... I'm pretty stoked about it, too. LOL I'm not sure that it matters what I say on here anymore because the people that used to comment my blogs all the time, don't anymore -- and I know that people still read it... but yaaar... I comment theirs. Just seems fair, to me. Tit -- tat.

Speaking of tats, I can't wait to get mine, somehow it's gotten pushed back a hundred times and I'm still not sure when I'm getting it. I'm supposed to be getting a couple checks here in the mail for selling my soul to the musical devil but alas... nothing. LOL (Note to self, check up on that...)

Haha, okay so I just called about my checks and I should get them before the end of November, apparently. So it looks like I might be getting a tattoo for my birthday again... that actually sounds like a plan. My birthday is only 35 days away... I hope to get my payments before then, but ehh if I don't.

...Since I'm going to be getting nearly $500 from the musical devil then I think I shall get 2 tattoos... and maybe a piercing... all things I had planned on getting, just might as well get them all at once. LOL

Anyhow, I'm not paying attn anymore, I doubt you are either.

Clip o tha Day:



I love when they told him to hit it "up the path" and he's just shocked. Haha he was still trying to play the ball! LOL Let it go, Justin...

Of course, probably the most annoying thing in this video is when Leticia tells him to have confidence. *growls* Ugaaaah... sorry, did you miss the golf tutorial? It's a silent sport, you aren't supposed to encourage the players during their game. *rolls eyes*

When she did it I would have turned around and smacked her, but I didn't think that would help Justin's game much at all either. LOL

xoxox

I'm Gonna Fight Em Off

"I am the damage, I am the relief
Sometimes I'm people,
I never hoped that I would be
If I take in whatever they turn out
Then what's that gonna make me now?
Don't you understand?
I'm not real anymore,
I am an illusion..."

I am burning my Heath mix CD... songs that can't help but remind me of him. Here's how it goes... some of them were associated with him, some of them were written for him and then some were played at his funeral.

Australia - The Shins
Seven Nation Army - White Stripes
Here Comes The Sun - The Beatles
The Times They Are A Changing - Bob Dylan
The Past and Pending - The Shins
These Days - Powderfinger
Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd
Superstition - Stevie Wonder
River Man - Nick Drake
Morning Yearning - Ben Harper
Bulletproof Weeks - Matt Nathanson
Who You'd Be Today - Kenny Chesney
Ol Man River - Paul Robenson
Crystal - Fleetwood Mac
You Are Mine - Mute Math
Happy Ever After In Your Eyes - Ben Harper

What's your favorite song on the list? Or which song reminds you the most of Heath Ledger?

Well, this morning Jennifer quit her 2nd McDonalds job. She's just been getting more and more burnt out on McD. I don't blame her. From 5a-1230a everyday she lived and breathed McD... she will for a minute get to spend more time with me which makes me happier, but she is looking for another job.

You know, some people get confused and twisted thinking that Jennifer works two jobs to pick up for my slack, or because she doesn't make enough at the first job, which is complete shit. This girl has worked two jobs since she was 16 years old... it's just what she does. She's an Aquarius they're workaholics who don't know how to stop... do you think that Justin works all the time because he needs the money? No... it's just in his nature. If it were up to me she would just work one job because then I would get to spend more time with her... so I hope that I have finally set the record straight.

Imma miss when Jenn quits McD all together... I love free specialty coffees. ;-)

You know, I put an obscene amount of lotion on my feet every night before bed and fuck me, they're dry.

Wanna hear something weird? You don't really have a choice, I'm going to tell you anyhow...

So Bella did something unthinkable the other day -- I'm not going to tell you what it was because it's disgusting... anyhow, so she was a very, very bad girl... so bad that I decided to cage her for a while -- so I put her into her cage and she didn't fight it and she just laid right down and was quiet until Jennifer came home... wtf? I can lock her in the bathroom or something and she will bitch moan and cry until she's unbearable to listen to anymore... Anyone wanna help me out with that?? LOL

I finally loaded my videos from Vegas to my youtube. You can access them through my acct or here's the direct link to what I have. Comments = Love.

Like I Love You, End of Like I Love You, Ayo, This Love, Esmee and Justin's duet, and Cry Me A River. CMAR and Esmee's song with Justin (which he wrote for her new album) are the only full clips.

Let me know what you think... also on my acct there are two Boyz II Men clips. End of the Road and Motown Philly.

So tonight in celebration of Jennifer not having to get up early tomorrow we're gonna get drunk and karaoke with Jasmine and her peeps that are apparently living at her house with her or something... *shrugs* Who knows... More the merrier or something like that.

I've said it for years and years but I'm not an intermediate partier... I like either small groups or 2-4 or huge parties of 20-100... Anywhere from 5-49 people and I just get anxiety, so we'll see how tonight works out, I'm not sure how many people are going to be there... *worries*



Jennifer has decided that she doesn't want to go to NYC for her birthday anymore... I suggested we go to Pebble Beach for the PGA tournament out there once I heard at the golf clinic that Justin was going to be there and so she's pushed NYC back until Heath's birthday... which actually kinda works out for me... I get to see Justin just 10 days or so after his birthday and I get to be "with" Heath on his.

Heath will wait for me.

Okay that last part sounded a lil crazy.

xoxox

When I Grow Up

"When I grow up,
I wanna be famous,
I wanna be a star,
I wanna be in movies..."

Things I want to be when I "grow up"...

Can you believe people still ask me what I wanna be "when I grow up"? When will I be fully grown? 24 in 37 days? 25? 27? Married? No... career.

Things I aspire to be:::

Married
Parent
Singer
Musician
Producer
Actor
Philanthropist
Owner
Rich
Supportive
Dancer
Philosopher
Writer
Journalist
Psychologist
Sober
Director
Photographer
Friend
Beautiful
Honest
Noble
Educated
Designer
Loyal
Lawyer
Entertainer
Californian
Wiser
Loved
Mature
Well traveled
Pink

Is there any way to be all of those things at once? If there is, please tell me what it is, so I can aspire to be that. I am having the hardest time ever trying to find my niche in life... I know that I'm not going to be rich and famous like Justin, and if I did, well then that would just be a blessing, but I honestly don't think that's going to happen -- honestly after my trip to LA all I ever wanted to be was a musician... I just want to complete my album -- I don't NEED the fame. Yes, I want to be rich, but I can make that some other way, it doesn't have to be by fame. To be completely honest, money isn't in the fame business anyhow. There's this old saying from producers and managers in entertainment to singers/musicians "I get to be rich, you get to be famous."

I would much rather have money than fame. I could care less about fame. I really enjoy my anonymity, honestly. Although there are times that I dream of the famous life, I more-so want the house in the hills, the Mercedes and the BMW, the jewelry and the invites to all the parties, money can buy me that, but fame cannot.

It's only 37 days until my birthday and every year that I get older it forces me to think about my future and what I want to do with my life... every year no matter what I seem to be in the same place as I was last year. Although I am closer to the end of my life than I was last year, I am closer to marriage, closer to kids, closer to desperate than I was last year... I am closer to everything, but one thing I am not closer to is a career -- sure, like I mentioned, singer/entertainer --- but where's the bread winner part? Where's my money?

Whom I Adore:



Justin: Fought for what he wanted his entire life, didn't let anyone tell him no. Lived practically the same life as me as far as family goes -- Musician, Singer, Actor, Philanthropist, Producer, Owner, Designer, Rich, Mature, Well traveled, Loved, Californian, Designer, Dancer... He never stops, he always wants more, always wants to better himself.



Heath: His parents, teachers and everyone didn't believe that he could do it and didn't believe he would ever make it as an actor. They all believed he sucked -- Actor, Philanthopist, Parent, Rich, Well traveled, Loved, California, Director, Photographer, Sober, Beautiful, Californian...

What to do?

xoxox

Jodie Platz