Hand Me Down

"All alone in my room think of you at a rate that is truly alarming,
I keep looping my memories of you in my head I pretend that you want me,
And I fall asleep and dream of alternate realities,
And I put myself at ease by pretending that she still loves me..."

Thought I would change up my blog a little bit... and as you can clearly see - I can't decide on a blog title. I had Day In The Life Of - The Candid and Unscripted for forever and yeah, I never planned on changing it, but for some reason it reminded me or "orange". LOL

Orange makes me feel ambivalent.

Perhaps y'all can help me out with the title... Confessions of a 20 something [what]??? Halp.

I have so much to do and I just can't be arsed to do it. I need to remove my nail polish and repaint my nails before I go to the Renaissance Festival tomorrow, which is no biggie. I need to wash my hair before bed and straighten it... not a biggie, I just need to get motivated to do it. LOL

My step mom is picking me up tomorrow at 1030a. My Aunt Laura and my cousin Miles will be coming along. Don't worry, I will have stories. LOL This is destined to be interesting.

None of them -- actually no one that I know has seen our new house since we moved in 2 months ago the 4th, which is "today". So this will be interesting... If I have to hear that I live in a shady neighborhood one more time I swear to Christ... *growls*

So today I drank the remaining 4 beers in the fridge. It was actually a ton of fun. I played some good music and acted a fool. LOL

Tomorrow is gonna be a long ass day...

Jenn's nearly home.

I think my countdown to Vegas is wrong... :S

Saturday (1), Sunday (2), Monday (3), Tuesday (4), Wednesday (5), Thursday (6), Friday (7), Saturday (8) Leave on Sunday... so it's 8 days AGAIN. LOL My countdown says SEVEN!

xoxox

*High Pitched Teeny Bopper Scream*

"Gray ceiling on the Earth
Well it's lasted for a while
Take my thoughts for what they're worth,
I've been acting like a child
Your opinion, what is that?
It's just a different point of view..."

Today Jenn and I got our schedules in the mail from the JT tournament!! 8 motherfucking days!

First there was a letter attached that says that there's going to be a shuttle to the course everyday! YAY!! We were going to end up paying $70 for a taxi. Oh hell no. Now we're only going to have to take a couple taxi's.

AND -- the shuttle leaves from our hotel!! How fucking lucky was that?!?! Crazy how things work out sometimes.

There's a volunteer party on Sunday from 4-6 and we get dinner, drinks, prizes and hopefully a Timberlake. LOL It's at the Hill which is super swanky. I'm soooo nervous!!!





Also! We got our schedules for the week!!!

Sunday: We arrive in Vegas at 8a. All 3 of us (don't forget Leticia is going!) are going to the Volunteer party @ the Hill from 4-6p

Monday: Jennifer works a double from 9a-Close for the "shotgun" Pro Am

Tuesday: I am the luckiest SOB and I get to work the Pro Am pairings party hosted by Justin poolside at the Red Rock resort!!! It's from 4-10p and it's invitation only. I literally shat, pissed and barfed on myself.

The pool where the party is at:



The other girls don't work Tuesday... they're gonna gamble and drink while I mingle with Timberlake. ;-) hate me, pleaseeee... I want you to. LOL

Wednesday: Jenn and I both work doubles for the celebrity Pro Am (in which Kirkpatrick is participating, so I hear...) we work 530a-7p -- Leticia is working it also, but just 530-noon.

Thursday: Jenn works the professional Pro Am for Corporate Hospitality (bring the big guys drinks and whatnot... LOL) from 8a-130p. Leticia works the same thing but from 1p-6p -- that sounds interesting.

Friday: Jenn and Leticia work the same schedule as above and Justin's concert is at Planet Hollywood at 9p.

Saturday: I'm working the Butch Harmon and Justin Timberlake golf clinic from 3p - 8p... *thanks God* Wow...

Sunday: The end of the tournament and Justin's presenting trophies and winnings at the 18th hole after the course is completed.

Monday: We leave Las Vegas at 8p. LOL

I seriously died when I heard that I got to work the pairings party. Seriously... gaaaaaah. I'm still dying. I don't know if I'll be able to make it 8 more days.

AHH. It's all I can think about now... fuck me sideways.

Pic of thaaa Day:



Clip of thaaa Day:



Justin's Shriners Open commercial. Rock my face.

xoxox

Here Comes The Sun

"Of your secrets, I have lots
I keep them in my locked box,
You were wrong this time
But you can never know,
Cuz I promised myself
That I would never show

I won't let you love me
I can't let you leave
I can't stand the sight of you
And you can't stand the thought of me"

Well kids, how we be?

8 days until Las Vegas... Does it feel like it?

No.

Am I the least bit prepared?

Of course not.

I realized on Bella's birthday that my camera battery was capped at his max. It was a terrible realization. :-( I didn't get very many pictures of Bella on her birthday at all... but she did manage to have a good one. She had a hamburger, we got her 2 new toys (a seahorse and a squid guy) a pumpkin blanket and new bacon treats! At the end of the day we had some vanilla cake and we sang her happy birthday.

I can't believe she's already three. This must be how mothers feel. It's insane.

Jenn got her new glasses! She's soo cute! They make her look amazing... her old ones were ghey.

I got my Heath Ledger GQ in the mail on Wednesday... says right on the parcel "DO NOT BEND" what do they do? Practically fold it to fit it in the mailbox... *mad* That was rude and uncalled for... don't worry, Heath's okay.

I've read some of my Heath book... it's so far very good and informative. :-) Thank you again Miss Gemma. I also haven't read the articles I got like a month ago, I haven't done anything with the Dark Knight or Ned Kelly poster that I got. Geez. I need help. LOL

I got 3 shirts on clearance on Wednesday from Target. 2 of them are polos one is pink and the other is pink and black... they actually look good on me. LOL And then I got this black shirt that I can't really explain but as soon as I put it on I knew I wanted to wear it to Coyote Ugly... LOL If that tells you anything about it. LOL

Jenn and I were sorting clothes on Wednesday and I found this scarf and it can soooo go with the new black shirt that I'm wearing to Coyote Ugly... just later in the week. LOL I'm not wearing a scarf to a country bar. Fuck that.

Today I looked cute. I wore this pair of jeans that I despise, but everyone complimented me. I wore this black tank top that is probably too small for me, since it doesn't cover my stomach and I'm totally Britney Spearsing it. LOL But no worries for the general public, I wore my blue zip up jacket that I wore to LA over it. It was cute. :-)

Later when I went to pick Jenn up from work I changed the tank top under it, put my cream colored scarf on and *gasp* wore tennis shoes!! ...Okay, okay... I give... they were pink Converse, but they had laces and I needed to wear socks! I'm making progress... LOL Usually you can't pay me to shove my damn feet in real shoes. Fuck shoes.

I took Jenn downtown today to take care of her license being suspended thing. She paid the whatever she owed but we have to go down to the actual DMV to reinstate her license... which we couldn't do today so we have to do Saturday... I told her that I was taking her to work tomorrow, which I did today because I had a follow up eye appt and the only time he could see me was when Jenn was at work... anyhow... I told her I was taking her to work and she said no... I told her not to call me from jail because I was sick of it.

When we both had suspended licenses she was caught twice driving while suspended... any more and they aren't going to be so lenient.

Anyhow... She gets it back Saturday morning.

Somehow I'm not registered to vote, btw... LOL doing that Saturday morning as well, which the 4th is the cut off date. I'll be pissed if I can't vote in this election because this one seems to be the election of a lifetime.

I'm done...

Pic.



His laugh, his smile... my God... it could cure cancer.

Alright, ya ya... you're right... it's not THAT great... the only thing I know that can cure cancer is Bella's kisses... hence, why I don't have cancer. ;-)

Instead of a clip today, I'll just give you two pics. LOL



When I hear the word "perfect" - you're all that comes to mind.

xoxox

I, I Know Just, Just What You Are, Are, Are

"Oh, I'm a dark diamond
I've turned hard and cold,
Once was a jewel with fire in my soul
There's two sides of the mirror,
One I couldn't break through
Stayed trapped on the inside,
Wound up losing you..."

Happy Birthday to me!! WOO!!!! I wish I could get presents and cake and whatnot. LOL

This is the part where you're very confused. LOL

When I went to the astrologer for my actual birthday, he told me that today was my 2nd birthday. (Because of my Libra rising...) So, happy birthday to me!

So when I first heard Britney's new song, I wasn't quite partial to it... Then I downloaded the acapella version and I absolutely love it. I think the harmonies in the chorus are fantastic, unfortunately you can't hear them in the studio version. So, I've decided that I like the song, I love the words and I think she sounds pretty good [for her voice being completely manipulated]. And the song itself is all too catchy! LOL

Somehow I have misplaced my Four Feathers DVD... *worries*

I won a bumper sticker that says "Why So Serious?" on it... ;-) That's balls awesome. I should be getting my Heath GQ and Casanova in the mail soon... *can't wait* I think I told you, but yesterday I won the Lord's of Dogtown DVD and then I'm just 7 hours away from winning a Batman bracelet.

Every few days I worry about the mail for when I'm going to be in Las Vegas, and then I remember that Kristi is going to come by the house every day. Duh.

*note to self, make new keys*

Something is wrong with my iTunes... it keeps playing bubblegum... tell it to stop.

I think I'm going to read my Heath book when I get done here... seems like a good thing to do. Perhaps I'll blog after I read it.

Tomorrow starts our 10 day water fast, that means 2 things: Today is 11 days, and tonight we're having Alfredo. LOL Jenn's friend has been BEGGING for Alfredo since his birthday, but on his birthday I didn't feel good and I wasn't about to stand in the kitchen for 2 hours making it and then not eating it. LOL I only make Alfredo about once or twice a year. It's expensive and very rich, but wonderful...

Rachel is definitely in for a treat when we move in together! ;-) And Gemma and I have already agreed we have to have a spaghetti cook off because we both think we're the best. ;-) Well, we'll see.

Today is Tuesday, that means that Jennifer has tomorrow and the next day off, so I might not be around to blog and whatnot... I just enjoy spending time with her when she's actually here. LOL

Tomorrow is gonna be so hot TV wise! Pushing Daisies, Private Practice AND Dirty Sexy Money all premire tomorrow!!!!! I am stoked!! If you haven't seen Pushing Daisies or DSM -- YOU HAVE TO.

Also tomorrow we're going back up to the eye doctor, Jenn's glasses came in and I hate my contacts. LOL I really like them, actually and I want them to work, but they get foggy as soon as I put them in, I don't know what that means, but I can't see. LOL

ALSO TOMORROW --- Is Bella's third birthday!!!! Yup!!! Can you believe?! We couldn't get presents ahead of time, so we're just going to have to get them tomorrow... but I'm getting her a new collar and tag and some treats. Then she always has a hamburger from McDonalds and we have some vanilla cake for her. Kind of a small birthday, considering the large milestone number, but we just can't afford it this year with Vegas coming so soon.

Pic of the Day:



This is by far one of the cutest things that I've ever seen in my whole life.

Clip of the Day:



It's Ingram Hill covering Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl" - Justin is so adorable... first time he says "I hope my boyfriend don't mind it..." and looks around a bit. Phil laughs at him. LOL The 2nd and 3rd time he sings, "I hope her boyfriend don't mind it..." There ya go, babe!! He kissed a girl, and he liked it. ;-)

xoxox

You Think I'm Easy Because I Let Them Win

"You say you want to kill yourself
It might make it just a little bit easier
You think you're the only one who hurts
Try looking just a little bit harder
I don't know why you're holding on
To the damage that's been done

'Cause you've got me wrapped up in your illusion
I keep on trying to change your conclusion
But you've got me wrapped up in your illusion
I keep on dying 'cause you're busy wasting life"

I cleaned up my living room today... I haven't slept in my room but a handful of nights since we moved here and thus, I've accumulated some clutter in the living room.

There's Batman toys at McDonalds, and oh how I love knowing the manager... I have 2 of each toy available. ;-) One to play with and one to keep in the package. I'm a lucky bitch.

I won the Lord's of Dogtown DVD for $2.25 yesterday. :D Unfortunately, today I got outbid on Candy... seems like that's just the hardest DVD for me to get, and of course it's my favorite Heath film. That just doesn't seem fair, does it?

Saturday the 4th I'm going to the Renaissance Festival with my step mom, my Aunt Laura and my cousin Miles. Unfortunately, I'll be in the final stretch of my water fast before Vegas then, so I won't be eating... well... anything. LOL

Jennifer and I are doing 10 days of just water before we go to Vegas and then we're going to try the vegan thing again. Being a vegetarian is not hard, it's being a vegan that is a little more trying.

I just saw Lance on Dancing with the Stars and fucking screamed like 10 times afterwards!!! I fucking loved it... "I kissed a girl... and I liked it." Loves it. Youtube it, bitches if you didn't catch it live! That's definitely what everyone is going to be talking about tomorrow.

So I emailed my Mama and I asked for her advice... everyone know that my mothers love and passion for photography got passed on into me, well now it's time for me to take it all a little more seriously. When I borrowed her camera to do the photography for Heather's wedding I told her that I really wanted to do this. Not so much as a career, but a hobby - and perhaps I could do more weddings in which case it would be a paying hobby. LOL

Anyhow, so she reccommeded for me to get a Canon Rebel... well back then anyhow. The Rebel is basically known as the starter SLR. It's the camera you get when you're not sure if you're going to like photography but you wanna give it a whirl. It's a great camera and you can put a great lens on it and take great pics with it...

So, I had just seen the commercial for the Nikon D60, which is about three steps up from the "beginners" SLR camera on the Nikon side, but it costs the same amount as the Rebel. (Well... the Rebel comes with just the camera, not the lens... the Nikon comes with the camera and the lens.) ANYHOW, I emailed my Mom both the links to the cameras and she said that I should get the Nikon. Now I'm anxious and I can't wait to get it...

Here's another thing she said: "I will say forever that the best Canon lens can't beat a Nikon Nikkor (Carl Zeiss lens)"

Well if that doesn't tell me anything, then I don't know what will!

Pic of the Day:



Top: Heath tossing Matilda

Bottom: Heath and Matilda.

The look in Heath's eyes is just absolute wonder...

And since I have you here about H & M... Heath's insurance company isn't giving Matilda the $10 million life insurance policy that is rightfully hers. They aren't surrendering the money because they believe that he commited suicide... it says on his death certificate that it was an accident...

This is just riduculous. They are never going to just let him be... I'm sure he already still worries about Matilda, and I wish that everyone would stop so that he could rest... if that made sense...

Michelle has hired lawyers in Matilda's name to sue the company. Michelle is a very smart woman.

Clip of the Day:



Ben Harper's "Morning Yearning" -- oh yeah, Heath directed this video. ;-) It's gorgeous. He's so incredibly talented.

xoxox

I Don't Want Your Old Letters

"I'm a million miles away,
There was nothing left to bring me back today..."

First of all I want to say that Rachel and I got everything settled with NYC and whatnot. I did not say in my last blog that I didn't want to move there... it's like this one time when I was in middle school, Alice (my mom's girlfriend at the time) said, "let's go to Chinese". So I was thinking "Chinese" in my head... thinking about what I might order, how it would taste, etc... then at the last minute she changed her mind and said "Let's go to Jumpin' Catfish!" -- Now, for those who know me know that I don't eat seafood, so you can imagine my shock... but it wasn't just that, it's that I was expecting Chinese and I got seafood. (Of course I didn't order seafood.)

It wasn't that I was necessarily 'disappointed' per se... it's just that I was thinking and planning for Los Angeles. As I had explained, I love New York and I'll be more stoked to move there when I visit in Jan/Feb but it was just new.

I think I'm probably running myself in circles here.

I want to move where my friends are... I love NY. I love LA. I could really care less where I move... I will be happy either way... now I'm just going to start fantasizing about NY instead of LA, that's all... which will only get me more stoked.

Secondly, I love -- scratch that... I adore Las Vegas... but there's no way in hell I would ever live there. It's a dirty city ran by money and booze. It's one of those places you visit but would never stay. It's literally a piece of land in the middle of the fucking desert, so thanks, but no thanks.

Lastly, my blog was really only a reason for me to post the three photos that I did and then all I got was what I got. I'm not calling myself ungrateful here, I'm just saying is all. I don't want a whole comment, speil or email about how this this that with my blog or whatever... I adore your comments, if you stopped commenting, I would probably stop blogging because, well, what would be the point? But I take careful consideration into what photos I should post because I don't post them for me... I post them for you.

Either way... moving on.

Went to see Batman for the 9th time today. It was just as unexpected as you think! LOL Today I really soaked him in... not that I hadn't before... but people had said "wow, he's really scary as the Joker" but I never saw it because I kept trying to think about what he was thinking about, I kept trying to get under his costume and makeup and see Heath... this time I let it lead me, like a song... I just took him in and yes, he was really scary. Maybe not so much "scary" as very intimidating.

Ahh, let's talk about Heath some more for a moment, shall we?

I haven't read the book that Gemma sent me yet. I thought I would just read it all in one day when I got it, but I think I'm avoiding reading it because I know I'll bawl and then it'll be like, it's over... I keep saying that "if I do this, then it's over, then it's final"... I've said that with many things... but now I'm beginning to wonder if it'll ever be over.

I have said to myself that once I get my tattoo that I can maybe "move on" from his death, or at least accept closure. I am not sure if that is the case. I am not sure if I care any more tho... having that tattoo is my way of carrying him with me. That's all I really want.

I think that once I go to New York and see where he lived, see where he wrote Matilda's name in the wet cement, eat at his restaraunt, walk the streets where he walked, that I'll be able to put something behind me... but really, I know deep in my heart -- what I've always known deep in my heart and what Jennifer was counting on -- that seeing all that will only make me long for NYC more and more.

...I think I'm going to try to talk Jennifer into taking her birthday trip up to NY a week early so that I can be in the city on the anniversary of when he died. Is that morbid? Is it completely fucked up for me to want to be outside his apartment on the day he died? Oh god, it is...

Watching his movies, seeing his photography and learning as much as I can about him while seeing every known photo of him has drawn me to him in the only way I can describe - like a magnet. For whatever reason, he's the most important person to me right now... and he's not even here.

I found this link to a dedication video for Heath from his friends. It features video of Heath directing (which he was just starting to tap his talent for), Heath and Matilda (of course she was his world) Heath taking photos and photos that Heath had took (photography was his favorite hobby outside of chess) and Heath acting (which we all know he was pro at.)

It touched me deeper than any other thing I've viewed on him.

Enjoy.

http://wearethemasses.com/dedicationheath/index.html



I love this pic because it gives me the feeling that I'm spying in on his private moment to himself...

He seems vulnerable to me here.

xoxox

I Eat Antipasta Twice Just Because She Is So Nice...

"Boys and girls pretend to know me, they try so hard
And I get what I want, my name is my credit card
Don't try to hate me because I am so popular..."

I started this page to make a blog hours ago... for some reason today I don't have the right words, so I think I'll just leap and start typing.

I put the stickers on the van today. I realize that I promised to show you pics of the outside of it, but keep in mind that Jenn has the car from 5a-1a when she's working, thus I cannot take pics. LOL I reckon I could have taken pics of it when I was putting the stickers on it, but I just didn't.

Jenn said, "no more eBay until after Vegas..." oops... I'm bidding on 5 auctions... I get bored and wander over there... LOL But!! Nothing I'm bidding on is more than $3. ;-) I'm a smart eBayer.

Today is 14 days until Vegas. You have no idea how nervous/anxious/scared/excited/stoked I am. No idea...

Talked to Rae for a hot second today... new plan. I think LA is out the window now... Now I think we're moving to New York. Honestly? I don't think I'm ready for NYC, I think it'll be more expensive than Jennifer or Rae realizes, but what can I say? I'm outnumbered. Sure, we can spend the same amount on rent that we were planning to for LA, but we're also going to get a smaller place... I just need space for my studio and I'll shut up.

Jenn can't wait to take the train everyday... I don't mind the train, but I adore my car. I can't live without a car... driving is what clears my head, you can't take that away from me.

I'm not knocking moving to New York -- so don't think that, I've got three years to go and we're going to NY in Jan/Feb and after I'm there again I will feel better about it... I was just severely looking forward to being surrounded by beautiful beaches, dolphins, nice people, driving distance to Las Vegas, glitter, vegetarians, and all that Hollywood has to offer.

There are many things for me to look forward to in New York. Jenn wants to move there, Rachel wants to move there and my friends are more important to me than where I live.

Jenn and I were going over outfit options together today... I *think* I might be alright on em. I think I'm only going to be able to afford one new dress before Vegas... or a pair of pants.

I'm hungry... as people like to point out, that's my own fault. I wish some people would just stop eating for one or two days to see how refreshing it is... anyhowwww...

I think I'm just getting myself in trouble with this blog.

Pics:::



No, the lips aren't a manipulation... they were *really* that color.



Showed that one to Jenn... I just stare at it. It's a part of him, he took that. It's not like the photography is outstanding or I'm just amazed at it, I'm just in awe that it's his. (Although I do like the texture of it.)

Then Jenn pointed this out...



It's how I do.

Clip of the Day:



*this is where my blog title comes from*

Oh Momma, Zooma Zooma...

Peace

xoxox