Deleting

You can delete me from your life, but unfortunately, I can't delete your DNA from mine.

The person who gave birth to me wants nothing to do with me anymore.

I can't call her my Mama, Mommy, Mom, Mother - because she's specifically asked me to call her "Jen".

Do you know for foreign that is to me to call this person Jen after I've called her Mama for 23 years?

She doesn't want me in her life anymore because I "disrespected" her. Meanwhile she has no idea how hard it is to give a person respect when you don't know if they love you anymore, if they want you in their life - which clearly they don't... I'm not going to call her Jen! Never. That's insulting. I will call you what I've called you for 23 years or I won't call you @ all... Which, that's what we're going to do. We're not speaking.

I asked her to drive the truck when we move... Not have to lift a box @ all - and she said no because I didn't help her move... Well I helped PAM move! And I hate Pam!!

She told me to ask my Daddy... Well he's 2 hours away... Does that really make sense? No. She said that he's my "precious Daddy" and I'll never ask him for anything. Let's see, he bailed me out of jail and talked to me on the phone every day I was in there. Meanwhile, you wouldn't. He fixed my computer and is being patient while I pay him back... I ask him for things. Not stupid things tho.

My Mama chose Pam over me.

Wow, that really sucks.

WOW! LIFE RAWKS.

"love me, love me, say that you love me...
need me, need me, just say that you need me..."

Life is going fantasmic.

I have 2 interviews on Thursday. :-) One is for a server position at an "upscale retirement home". LOL And the other is for a bartender position at Houlihan's. It's so new it hasn't been built yet.

I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait.

I want the Houlihan's position more than anything. More than I've wanted anything in a really long time.

Both of my parents were bartenders, and that's how they met. :-)

Pics of da day:



I.
Fucking.
Loveeee.
Those.

xoxox

Start Those Drums

"I got soul but I'm not a solider."

Interesting week, and interesting 24 hours...

Worked yesterday morning and didn't feel good, tried to go home and my bitch of a manager, Jennifer, wouldn't let me. LOL So then I feel better once I'm finally off work, and I take Jennifer to work... meanwhile I haven't been sleeping the days that I work because I get home at 11p and don't get to bed until about 1a... now I know what you're thinking - get to bed sooner -- well I do! I lay there, but if I'm not tired, how can I fall asleep?!?? Exactly.

So I've only been getting about 2 hours of sleep a night before I have to get up and go to work the next morning -- so last night I take Jennifer to work and I go home and chat with Rachel for a bit and then I take a nap. LOL I get up and go get her from McDonalds, have a salad on the house and we get out of there about 10ish... we're on our way home and at 1010 she gets a call from Jared, the GM of our McD and he wants her to work overnight @ 11... she says yes and goes to McD in the same clothes she's been in for what will now be 3 shifts...

I finally pick her up this morning at 8a after sitting in rush hour and after she's literally worked at McD for 24 hours straight.

Her check better be huge.

To continue with the McD talk, the day before yesterday someone came through and paid for their McNugget meal with the legendary AmEx Black card. I had never held one before and it was an awe inspiring moment. The card was thick, cold and made of metal. I slid it slowly and although I knew the answer, I held it tight in my paws until "Approved" popped up on my screen. Then the lady drove off in her Escalade.

That was a highlight of my day, it was incredible. I want one so bad. So bad, but hell, I don't even have a credit card now so dreaming of that Black card is about as close as I'll ever get to it.

You know, while we're still talking about money and McD, let me be honest with you -- I'm nicer to rich people... people who come through in nice Merdedes', BMW, Escalades, etc... I'm nicer to them... I'm not nice to ANYONE when I'm taking orders, I hate taking orders, but I love taking money... it's my favorite thing to do... So when someone pulls up in a nice car, I take a moment to ask how their day is... I've found some of the nicest people to be in the nicest cars.

I know it's wrong... I didn't say it was right, but with money, status and a BMW comes my respect. Yours may not come with it, but they have mine. Now -- on the flip side of that, if it's some teenage chick driving a brand new BMW?? I'm a BITCH.

:-)

This morning when I was going to pick Jennifer up from McD, Thriving Ivory was on Mix doing an in studio and after they were going to give away tickets to their show tonight at RecordBar. (VERY TINY venue... Super small.) So Jennifer just got out of work from 3 eight hour shifts at McD and I make her sit in the parking lot until they say to call to win... LOL It was like, 20 mins. LOL I feel bad... but hey, I called and got tickets to the show tonight!! We're excited to go!

(OT: when I went to pick up my tickets at the station, besides the awkward feeling of it being the first time I was there since I left Lucas his last day in late April 05 --- the receptionist had the WORST highlights I've ever seen on a human.)

We haven't had a show since Buble... which, btw -- he broke up with Emily Blunt and Jennifer couldn't be happier. She's mind fucking him already. ;-)

Pic of the Day:

Well I searched high and low for something to post here, but I just couldn't find a goddamn thing.

I want a new tattoo and I want mine touched up/finished.

So much to do.

xoxox

They Dont Like It When I Smell Like Bourbon

"he was high on intellectualism,
I've never been there,
But the brochure looks nice..."

I'm on break, having a good day @ work actually. Its going quite fast. :)

Jenn and I are in back drive thru together today and we're cracking up and having a good time. This guy in a Porsche asked if I had to get up early and I said I had to get up @ 330. He said "well if I was your age I would just go from the bar to work..." I said, "well they don't like it when I come in smelling like Bourbon."

Jenn cracked up for like half an hour. Lol


Jenn and I see signing papers for our house on Wednesday! We're gonna get a truck to move on the first Wed in Aug!! Woo!

Jenn and I are having a competition... She seems to be GAINING weight instead of losing it, so I challenged her to lose 15 lbs. The first person to lose 15 wins... Loser buys airplane drinks to Vegas. She won't want to lose. ;)

Almost time to go back to the office. ;)

Peace.

I'll Make It Up To You

"I've been changing, think it's funny how no one knows..."

*deep cleansing breath*

*sigh*

life. is. fantastic.

God delivers.

Good things happen to good people.

and -- as I've been told many times before...

you get what you deserve.

I am not a believer in waiting for good things to happen to you. I am not a believer of things falling into your lap... the chips fall where they may and all, and I'm all for seeing how the pieces fit -- but I don't believe ANYONE ever got ANYTHING by just WAITING for it to happen...

Until now.

Someone upstairs is really looking out for me. :-)

Monday night I had another -- shall we call it -- episode, Tuesday night Jasmine offered us her home, Wednesday we went to look at it and today I learned we got it.

I had started this "episode" because of things that I had found in my house. It's nonsense for me to go into details about something that is now in the past, but it hurt me -- I wrote a letter to Jennifer explaining some things and yadda, xanax, yadda, klonopin, yadda, closer to death than I'd been since January... yadda...

Tuesday night I went to work with Jennifer to soak up the free WiFi and Jasmine mentioned that she was wanting to move and that we could have her house... $650/month, 2 bedroom 1 1/2 bath, huge huge huge... I won't know what to do with all the space!

We went to see it Wednesday and we fell in love with it... not in the best neighborhood, but we'll have ADT, and I have actually decided that I want to purchase a handgun for security.

Let's face it, it's no secret that upstairs I'm a bit mixed up and part of that is paranoia... I know living in this neighborhood, with it's reputations, willnot dull those fears down... so I've decided that I'll need to make myself feel secure.

One of my concers with purchasing a gun would be my own depression, but I feel that I would have to be completely off my rocker to actually take my life and like that. Most of my suicude attempts are crys for help and attention, not actual death.

So then Thursday Jasmine let's us know that we got the house! She talked to the person who owned it and we're going to finish out her lease and then sign one of our own when hers is over.

I've already started picking up paint samples and we're planning tons for the house! We're very excited to pick up and move! 34 days! (Also 34 days until I go see Rachel! WOO!)

Now, I just got an email from my Mother and she's unhappy with the neighborhood. She says that I should move elsewhere and I've tried to make it clear to her that with our current situation that that is impossible. The house is equipped with ADT, I'm going to go over plans for everything and have mase and a gun. I am not sure when I'm going to get a gun, but it's on my list of things to do.

It's not like I'm going to be socializing much with the neighbors, I keep to myself a lot. We have a shit car, so if they wanna steal it -- be my fucking guest.

Why is it that neighborhoods like this get such a bad reputation? The drive down to the house?? Not the most assuring... Not gonna lie, made me nervous... not scared. Nervous. The actual STREET that I'd be living on? One way. The only kids are Jasmine's and she'll be living across the street. There are 2 old people that live next door.

One we move in, I'm changing the locks and getting an extra deadbolt plus a chain lock for the front and back doors. I don't trust anyone.

I'm not worried when I'm IN the house that I'll have any problems. Sure, there are problems that go on AROUND the neighborhood and outside the house, but I can't control what other people do.

I can't control that there as much as I couldn't control it here.

Here, in Gladstone... in this "GREAT" neighborhood -- in the 3 years we've lived here someone was stabbed, a woman was beaten in broad daylight in the parking lot, cars were broken into -- including ours -- people call names and whistle, I have to deal with noise here EVERYDAY.

Tell me THIS PLACE is safe??

It's not. It's trashy and I'm not like these people -- so I'm moving. Life is what you make it and I'm going to make mine a helluva lot better than this.



My new home.

xoxox

OMG!

Dude.

Today was an insane day. Completely amazing.

As of midnight I have bought my tix to go see Rachel! Woo! August 13th... Know what else will be happening around Aug 13th?

Moving!!!!!!

I'll explain more better later, but a HUGE 2 bedroom house could be ours in August... We're going to look @ it @ 8a... You have no idea how happy I am.

God really does listen and really does answer prayers. Talk to him and he'll respond.

Will post photos and more info later. :)

Xoxox

Blogged from BlackBerry.

Oh It's Been So Long!

"help me out, you know you gotta help me out,
oh don't you put me on the back burner..."

Once again, please excuse my tardiness, life's been crazy -- what parts I'm actually living -- and busy as all Hell. I haven't even turned on my comp for a while and while I've wanted to update y'all on what's been going on, I just didn't have the motivation to add THAT to my long list of everythings.

I don't even know when the last time I blogged was, but since then I'm sure I've had da 4th of July... which besides lighting fireworks off with my dad -- sucked. I haven't ever driven so much in one weekend, it's absolutely retarded.

We drove down the 1st... which we stopped in Topeka to get a key to my Dad's house first, had Olive Garden with my Mom and she told me that for the next day she would let me borrow her Honda to drive to the concert instead of driving our air conditioner-less car. It's a 5 speed, which I learned on when I was 8, but I haven't really driven one in a few years... so from Olive Garden she made me drive home... I killed it like 7 times. LOL

We went to Wamego and that night was the bracelet night at the carnival, had a couple panic attacks, had a couple sno cones... realized I'm OVER the carnival.

Next day as we're driving on this part of I-70 that is LITERALLY nothing, we got a flat tire, that pushed us back an hour... finally we got to Topeka and got my step mom's car --- and the entire day that I had the car -- I DIDN'T KILL IT ONCE! No lie... Jenn's there to vouch. ;-)

Warped Tour was pretty sweet, didn't get to spend as much time with Kelly as we had thought, BUT I did get some kick ass PETA stickers, and as of July -- I am Vegan. :-) I have never been so proud of it either. It's amazing. My body feels better than it's ever felt in my whole life.

I had tried to remain Vegetarian since the beginning of this year, but had some "slips". It's an ongoing process... being Vegan is, for me -- believe it or not -- easier than being Vegetarian. I love it. Being Vegan means that I consume no animal products, no red meat, pork, chicken, fish, eggs, milk, cheese -- any dairy... etc... anything that says it's made with it - not going in me.

In the PETA information we picked up at the Warped Tour about being Vegan it said that it was an ongoing process, obviously there are going to be some times when I can't escape having something made with eggs or milk when I'm at a restaurant, but you just have to try your hardest... no like meat and cheese ziti or something.

Jenn and I went to Fazoli's yesterday and I had a salad with italian dressing (can't have the italian dressing at McD, it has anchovies in it. ;-) also obviously no more ranch or ceasar, not that those are good for you anyhow and you can get the Vegan version at Whole Foods or Wild Oats.) so we were at Fazoli's and I had a salad and spaghetti with marinara... not gonna lie, had some shake'em cheese on it, but like it said -- ON GOING PROCESS. ;-)

Every little bit counts.

We got some bumper stickers, like:





Wanna be a Vegetarian or see what it's all about??? Click here to order your FREE Veg starting kit. ;-) I have one, you should too. Just get it and then decide! http://www.goveg.com/order.asp

Here's a few quick facts: http://www.goveg.com/healthConcerns.asp

The consumption of meat, eggs, and dairy products has also been strongly linked
to osteoporosis, Alzheimer's, asthma

Vegetarians and vegans live, on average, six to 10 years longer than meat-eaters.

Quotes from Veg Celebs::

"I think there's something odd about eating another living anything." —Shania
Twain

"Since I've gone vegetarian, my body has never felt better and my taste buds have been opened up to a whole new world. It's one of the most rewarding choices I've ever made and I invite you to join me in living a healthy, cruelty-free lifestyle."—Alicia Silverstone

“I try to stick to a vegan diet—heavy on fruit, vegetables, tofu, and other soy products.”—Clint Eastwood

“If anyone wants to save the planet, all they have to do is just stop eating meat. … It‘s staggering when you think about it. Vegetarianism takes care of so many things in one shot: ecology, famine, cruelty.”—Sir Paul McCartney

"Every time we sit down to eat, we make a choice. Please choose vegetarianism. Do it for … animals. Do it for the environment, and do it for your health." - Alec Baldwin

:-) Just some little things for you to chew on.

Let's see, what else now... ahh, hell. I think that's enough for now. LOL

I need my Ramsay fix.

xoxox