T R A I N W R E C K

Photographers Are Fish, Too.

2012-01-31T07:16:00.000-06:00

There's something to be said for how much I'll go through for something that I love. Today's topic: photography.

What a lovely, and yet simultaneously, painful subject for me.

First let me start by saying that 90% of my photography experience has been positive. Also, at the same time, 90% of my photography experience I have not been paid for.

Photographers, as I see it, are a lot of fucking fish in a big ass pond. (For the sake of this blog I will pretend that the different species I am about to name do not know whether they need to live in freshwater or saltwater in order to survive; that's not the point.)

There's some tiny minnows, which are the people who take a camera with them - nail the lighting in one photo - all their friends on Facebook say, "OMG. What a great photo! You should be a photographer!" And bam-presto - they create a Facebook fan page which they will beat their friends down with until they all "like" it as they post photos of poorly compositioned flowers, and their nieces and nephews for everyone to see - all the while calling themselves a "professional".

Goldfish, I'd say, are the people who really are good at taking photos, but perhaps never really attempt to tap into it as a career, thus, their photography moments are short-lived.

The Angelfish is the hobbiest... enjoying taking photos, probably very good at it, but is either smart enough to have a career in which they get paid lots of money, or knows if they were to monetize photography it might lose its passion.

Clams, starfish, crustaceans; all consistent in their photography, perhaps working as a wedding photographer or for a portrait studio.

The piranha... one word: paparazzi.

The humpback whale is more interested in the artistic aspect of photography than making monetary gain from their work, however, they'll eventually get featured in a gallery somewhere and go on to make a great name for themselves.

Dolphins are photographers who possess talent but lack footing or are, perhaps, too nice. Dolphins want to be sharks, but don't want to bite.

Sharks: the biggest, the baddest, the best. The ones who make money, are good at it and are good at photography.

Several people have tried to tell me that I'm absolutely crazy for doing as much as I do for no pay. However, if I were to have demanded that the bands I shot paid me, I more than likely would have never gotten to shoot them. In turn, I never would have been able to deliver those photos to fans, making them happy and thus, creating a following for myself. I never would have been able to put those photos into my portfolio or use their bragging rights in my resume.

If I would have charged for the first wedding that I shot (which was of a friend from my childhood and I did it for free as her wedding gift), I probably would not have booked the shoot. I then would not have any wedding photos to include in my portfolio and therefore could lose out on other, perhaps paying, gigs from brides who want a photographer who has shot more than just rockstars in random states.

Every now and then I go into a spurt of releasing a new special which is exquisitely priced, I release a photo book (which I make pennies on because I'd rather people hold my art than pass it up because it's priced too high) or I all around try to make a few dollars because it's frustrating to not.

I am still using the first camera that I ever got because I cannot afford a new one, though I have outgrown this one ten-fold. I have managed to earn enough money from time to time to buy new lenses, a battery grip, a BlackRapid, etc. But each and every dime that I accumulate goes back into my photography.

The way I see it is that if I put my name out there enough eventually someone will see my work and seek me out; if not, at least I've created a following who will hopefully RT links and thus bring in more followers, who will hopefully eventually seek me out for something... and if that doesn't work, each and every thing that I have done looks great on my resume - which could potentially land me a job somewhere.

There's several things that I would change if I had it to do all over again. I will not name them as I try not to have regrets or recognize them; I just learn and push forward.

Unfortunately for me, I chose what some believe is the hardest genre of photography: music. There's hardly any money in it... but my god it's fun. I truly would not trade it for anything in the world.

If you wouldn't do your job for free - you shouldn't be doing your job. Do something that makes you happy.

...Also, if you read this and you want to give me a job... let's go. jodie.musicfirst@gmail.com

Abandonment

2012-01-27T21:56:00.001-06:00

I will keep this short; I have abandonment issues. My mother left me when I was 3, my father always has been distant... I raised myself. I did okay, but how much can an 8 year old know about anything?

People always pack up their bags and leave me. Friend and boyfriends/girlfriends leave at the drop of a hat without a word or so much as a "goodbye, I am leaving you."

I constantly have my heart walked on and tossed through a blender.

I am sure (positive of it) that I do something to cause them leaving me - possibly by walking into every friendship/relationship I have with the knowledge that they will end up leaving me in the end.

Truth is, in raising myself and spending most of my life alone, I fear that I do not know how to conduct a relationship with a human.

A few months ago I realized that however much I wanted my life to have a child in it, it would be incredibly selfish. I may consider adopting eventually.

A few weeks ago (which has then be verified from actions from this morning and this evening) I realized that I do not know how to conduct a relationship of the romantic variety between myself and another person and therefore I am going to salvage my heart and the hearts of others by choosing to remain alone for the foreseeable future.

I have never been in love. I have never enjoyed kissing anyone. I have never felt like a magnet to anyone. I don't know if I am capable of feeling those things because of my emotional abuse and abandonment as a child.

I have explained this to everyone I have been in a relationship with... They still eventually walk out of my life without a word.

I cannot handle getting abandoned any more.

I realize and am more self aware than anyone will ever truly pay attention to; I am self destructive to the tenth power, I am often misunderstood, but let me tell you, I am the most giving and loving person of the people who love me - I think once they truly realize how fucked up I am, it's too much of a responsibility for them and so they boot.

Oh well.

I always see it coming.

I can attest art to it, right?

This was longer than I intended. I wrote this for me, not you. Sometimes I need to write in order to time stamp things in my life.

At this current moment my professional life seems to be going okay... So that must mean my personal life has to fall apart, right?

I try to hold everything together with superglue as much as possible.

Thanks for reading.

118 Songs Everyone Needs On Their iTunes

2012-01-26T06:23:00.000-06:00

In alphabetical order here are 118 songs that I feel you can't live without/could benefit having in your life.

Download. Repeat. (Or listen to on YouTube.)

(Repeat 117 more times.)

Come back and tell me how they changed your life.

Enjoy. :)

1. We Need A Resolution - Aaliyah ...the beat on this song just makes me die and be happily reborn again.
2. My Same (Live) - Adele ...I absolutely adore singing along to this.
3. Potential Breakup Song - Aly & AJ ...guilty pleasure #1
4. Flavor Of The Weak - American Hi-Fi ... saw them in concert; my first legit mosh pit. I fell down and a cute guy picked me up. I love to blast this song and SCREAM it.
5. Wreck Of The Day - Anna Nalick ...I hate myself for not writing this song, but I love it (and her) so much. One of my top 5 favorite songs of ALL TIME.
6. We Used To Wait - Arcade Fire ...I listen to the entire Suburbs album front to back several times a week. Life changing. This album (in its entirety) has 56 plays on my iTunes.
7. Fake Tales Of San Francisco - Arctic Monkeys ...This song reminds me of so much... I sing it all the time (loudly) when I'm mad... "Oh you saved me, she screamed down the line, the band weren't very good and I'm not having a nice time!"
8. Bad Day - Asher Roth ...the first chorus; story of my LIFE.
9. Crank It Up - Ashley Tisdale ...I fell in love with this song. I won't lie. It's catchy as FUCK.
10. Head Full Of Doubt, Road Full Of Promise - Avett Brothers ...I have a tattoo that I'm getting that's relevant to a lyric from this song. THAT'S how much I love it.
11. Sail - AWOLNATION ...fell in love with it when I saw a video on Reddit of a breakdancer dancing see here. I had never heard the song or of the band before then... apparently they're a big deal. I like the ADD and kill myself part. Relates to me.
12. Channel Z - B-52's ...Cosmic Thing is one of the albums that I grew up on.
14. Feel Flows - Beach Boys ...makes me want to smoke weed.
15. Here Comes The Sun - The Beatles ...I'm not a huge fan of the Beatles, but I adore this song and a few others.
16. Moonlight Sonata - Beethoven ...Over 200 plays in iTunes. Sometimes I'll just sit there with it on repeat for hours and stare at the ceiling... or paint...
17. Alone - Ben Harper ...another life changing song. If you like this one, check out ANYTHING by Ben Harper.
18. Hypnotize - Biggie ..."Escargot, my car go..."
19. When The Lights Go Out" - The Black Keys ...I fell in love with them on the Black Snake Moan soundtrack... amazing... go see that movie, too.
20. All That I Need - Blind Melon ...can you ever go wrong with Blind Melon?
21. Family Reunion - Blink 182 ...You want to hear some curse words?! I once got asked to leave school for wearing a Blink "Take Off Your Pants & Jacket" tour shirt... Good times.
22. Call Me - Blondie ...I have this dream of having a high school acapella choir sing this song. I have it all arranged in my head.
23. Blind Willie McTell - Bob Dylan ...ever see "I'm Not There"? It was a miraculous film. Go.
24. The Wreckoning - Boomkat ...So thankful I haven't lost this song. Was once my theme song.
25. I Feel So - Boxcar Racer ...another once upon a theme song...
26. Be Gentle With Me - The Boy Least Likely To ...this song reminds me of driving through the Utah desert in 2009 and I could see EVERY star that there ever was. It was absolutely amazing and incredible. I pulled the car over to stop and take it in. It was the perfect weather and the perfect skyline.
27. Nine Sixteen - Bruno Merz ...I don't remember where I found this song, but it reminds me of endless roads while on the road.
28. See The Light - CCR ...come ON... repeat this song for a few days and you'll have a new perspective on your current problem.
29. Bend Over Beethoven - !!! ...I want to know who mastered this album; it sounds fuck-excellent.
30. Hang Me Up To Dry - Cold War Kids ...I can listen to this on repeat for about 5x and then I'm ready to move on, but the beat will stay with me for days.
31. Put Your Records On - Corrine Bailey Rae ...this song used to make me cry each time I listened to it.
32. Mr Jones - Counting Crows ...this song DOES make me cry each time I listen to it. Without fail.
33. Possum Song - Dana Falconberry ...absolutely perfect lyrics; it gives me chills each time I hear it. LISTEN RIGHT NOW. "How could I be lonely...?"
34. The Rat - Dead Confederate ...listen to it... and think about it.
35. Ain't That A Kick In The Head - Dean Martin ...It's Dean Martin!!!!
36. Grapevine Fires - Death Cab ...I am trying to just pick one song per artist, which is hard to do with a band (my favorite band) like Death Cab... but this song evokes strong emotions in me; I can't say why... I don't know why. It makes me cry almost every time. I love it.
37. Rake's Song - The Decemberists ...I haven't met many of their songs that I didn't love, this song I have a strong conviction for. I love storytelling songs and things that have a beginning, middle and end... (like most Death Cab songs)... this song I fucking love and adore. (And my best friend has a strong conviction against it... which makes it even better.) The song is about killing your own children. You're curious now, aren't you?
38. Black Irish - Devil Makes Three ...this will forever remind me of the winding roads of California's path to the 101, but I fucking love it. Partly my motto.
39. Sultans of Swing - Dire Straits ...another band that I was raised on... this has the greatest guitar solo of all time. I will argue that to the death.*
40. Shake It Off - The Donnas ...if you don't like the Donnas, you should go die in a hole. They have a chick drummer and they're all hot as FUCK.
41. Love Her Madly - The Doors ...this song makes me happy. That's its sole purpose in life.
42. Watching The Detectives - Elvis Costello ...the only "Elvis" that I knew growing up. "She's filing her nails while they're dragging the lake"... best. line. ever.
43. My Dad's Gone Crazy - Eminem ...Can rap every word. Listen to the song & think about that.
44. At Last - Etta James ...I hate that she's passed... but... this has always been my go-to karaoke performance song... never fails to get them to pay attention. :)
45. I Need A Man - Eurythmics ...my go-to chick lead singer growing up. I used to listen to this at photoshoots when I was a kid. I still belt this shit.
46. The Take Over, The Break's Over - Fall Out Boy ...I don't care what people say; I fucking love FOB. Lyrical perfection. This song took me from "fan" to "obsessed".
47. Paper Bag - Fiona Apple ...another lyrical perfection. This song gets thrown on repeat a lot while I sing it in a happily and melancholy way. (Yep, you think about that for a while.)
48. Do You Realize? - The Flaming Lips ...I wanted to BE this song.
49. Gold Dust Woman - Fleetwood Mac ...I wanted to BE Stevie Nicks.
50. DOA - Foo Fighters ...I sing this motherfucker like I MEAN it. I play air drums to it... the intro is my favorite. :D
51. Just One Of Those Things - Frank Sinatra ...I'm glad we were never alive at the same time. I would have been a groupie for Frank.
52. Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand ...I will say this one more time... this song has the best tempo change in the history of music.
53. Queer - Garbage ...I wish I wrote this song. When this song came out I used to playsing it to my mirror with a hairbrush. Oh yeah.
54. O Shot - The Gay Blades ...Catchy as hell and I love guitar.
55. Something Kind Of Ooh - Girls Aloud ...I have a love affair with Euro-techno-pop.
56. Need - Hana Pestle ...it'll change your whole world. ...but don't listen unless you want to bawl your eyes out.
57. Barracuda - Heart ...I love anything by Heart. Don't diss Heart; they're great.
58. Bus Stop - The Hollies ...my number 3 favorite song. Makes me cry in the happiest of ways. I sing this like an adorable raccoon.
59. Miss Take - The HorrorPops ...bitch plays the upright bass, she's invited to my house to party any day. This song reminds me of my current events.
60. Curse - Imagine Dragons ...they JUST got signed to Interscope and are about to be huge after they play SXSW this March -- go listen now.
61. Cold in California - Ingram Hill ...a band that I have loved & known since 2004; they're country rock from Memphis and they give great fucking hugs.
62. Boy With A Coin - Iron & Wine ...How the hell do I explain them to you? They're great... they make me want to sell all my belongings and get in a car and travel the country without a cell phone as I just listen to their music.
63. Vertigo (If It's A Crime) - Islands ...I am [hopefully] finally getting to see this band perform in March and I might piss all over myself when I do. This is the greatest song in the world; 12 minutes and it goes by so fast... slide guitar. Go.
64. Sweet Baby James - James Taylor ...His voice makes me want to move to Colorado or back to Kansas... this song mentions my birthday. Can play on guitar. :)
65. 2 Many Hoes - Jay-Z ...it's fun to sing. The Blueprint 2 is my favorite... Jay-Z reminds me of driving around in my convertible Mustang when I was 18. Lord I thought I was the shit. ... (I wasn't.)
66. Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley ...I am only posting this because I know there is at least ONE person out there who hasn't discovered this song yet... seriously... go... you won't be sorry.
67. Prisoner - Jeffree Star ...he's got hot pink hair and tattoos. Listen.
68. Trash Me - Jessie Malakouti ...reminds me of my life here on the internet. It's catchy and poppy and awesome.
69. She's A Genius - JET ...this song makes me want to go into a rock club and do coke with strangers.
70. Take Me Home, Country Roads - John Denver ...there's a part in the bridge that I like to harmonize to. :D
71. Folsom Prison Blues - Johnny Cash ...Sometimes I'll just put on some Cash for a few days and turn off everything. Puts a lot in perspective.
72. California - Joni Mitchell ...when I listen to this song I feel there's nothing stopping me from getting in my car and GOING.
73. Didn't I - k.d. Lang ...she's pretty amazing live and this song is best played FUCKING LOUD.
74. Merry Happy - Kate Nash ...another Brit whom I adore... I love to sing this song in perfect rhythm and accent.
75. Settle Down - Kimbra ...currently my most played song in iTunes with 166 plays... and that's all happened within a couple weeks. I am obsessed with her.
76. Bloody Mary - Lady Gaga ...my friend told me she saw Gaga open for NKOTB during their first comeback tour... I punched her.
77. Love Me Or Hate Me - Lady Sovereign ...yet another Brit... I can and do rap each word in perfect accent... also, another theme song. :D
78. Since I've Been Loving You - Led Zeppelin ...this was my top played song on my last computer with nearly 800 plays. I listen to this when I write. Best guitar solo ever. Hands down.*
79. Take A Bow - Madonna ...another song for me to cry to. Lord, I remember when this came out.
80. Sweet Dreams - Marilyn Manson ...perfection. So fucking perfect I STILL hear it when people make me listen to the radio.
81. I Wanna Be Loved By You - Marilyn Monroe ...she's so gorgeous, even her voice is beautiful.
82. Bright Lights - Matchbox 20 ...this was my theme song before I left KC... when I saw it performed live I cried... boy, I cry a lot, eh?
83. Smells Like Teen Spirit - Meat Puppets ...COME ON!!!!!
84. Gold Guns Girls - Metric ...this song reminds me of one of my friends in a band.
85. Big Girl - Mika ...listen to Mika; everyone who I have introduced to Mika has been obsessed with him. He's adorable, he's gay, he's from Lebanon. Go.
86. Alcohol - Millionaries ...they're like The Oh Noz, but not as mean.
87. Peculiar People - Mute Math ...I saw this band open for Matchbox 20 (that time when I said I cried...) and I absolutely fell in love. Actually... what's stronger than that? I became obsessed over night.
88. Bang Bang - Nancy Sinatra ...I always wanted to do a photoshoot revolving around this song.
89. Lithium - Nirvana ...if you "know" me and don't know that I'm obsessed with Kurt and Nirvana, then you don't know me at all. Listen to everything they have. Don't waste any more of your life.
90. Faster Kill Pussycat - Paul Oakenfold ...put this song on repeat for a few days and you'll start to see glowsticks in your dreams. In a good way.
91. Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd ...to be played at my funeral. That's not creepy, right?
92. Drag - Placebo ...This song reminds me of every crush I've ever had.
93. My Leftovers - Porcelain & The Tramps ...my theme song for SO many years.
94. Such Great Heights - Postal Service ...another song that reminds me of another dude that I know in a band. Ffffffffuuuuuuu!!!
95. Exit Music - Radiohead ...did you know that I can't find any contact information for Radiohead ANYWHERE on the Internet? Frustrating. I want to shoot their band. This is such a great song.
96. I'm Shakin' - Rooney ...I have the OC to thank for introducing me to Rooney... and to many other bands (like Death Cab)...
97. Black & Gold - Sam Sparro ...My Brit friend sent me this many, many, MANY years ago... in 2007 when I went to record my album in LA it was the only thing that I listened to on the plane ride there and back... and then around 2009 I started seeing it pop up in commercials and movies. Made me feel like a hipster.
98. L.E.S. Artistes - Santigold ...another song for the repeat button.
99. Australia - The Shins ...my favorite song of all time. Ever.
100. Imma Tell - Tech N9NE ...KC rapper makes big. I used to record at the same studio as he. All the talent in the world got soaked up here.
101. Great Lakes - Telekinesis ...One of the coolest bands in the world. Listen to them and make your life happier. Seriously fantastic.
102. Classico - Tenacious D ...I want to meet Tenacious D. The Pick Of Destiny is one of the greatest movies in life.
103. The Way I Are - Timbaland ...Keri Hilson is one talented bitch and Timbaland is one of the coolest people that I've briefly encountered in person. This song kicks my ass. I want to get in Timbo's head.
104. Great DJ - The Ting Tings ...another band I was introduced to by my Brit friend before they were big in the US. Fantazzzmo!
105. Stupid - Toad The Wet Sprocket ...what does their band name mean? This is a band my mom and I share. Applies to life.
106. Pasties & A G-String - Tom Waits ...I PROMISE to one day to a burlesque routine to this. Mark these words.
107. Hollywood Chain Gang - Tony Lucca ...the only person I have ever fangirl'd to meet.
108. Oxford Comma - Vampire Weekend ...there's an internet meme going around now that is about an oxford comma... "who gives a fuck about an oxford comma?" I DO.
109. Take Me On The Floor - Veronicas ...I met these girls... crazy tiny Australians. I wanted to kidnap them and make out with them at the same time. Strange feelings are strange.
110. Bitter Sweet Symphony - Verve Pipe ...don't lie... this song is amazing.
111. Ride - The Vines ...fantastic guitar, fantastic bass drum... fantastic lyrics.
112. Seizure Boy - Watsky ...just Google this motherfucker and thank me later.
114. Hash Pipe - Weezer ...listen to this song really loud in your car with the windows up... you'll get high off the guitar and Rivers' voice alone.
115. Seven Nation Army - White Stripes ...the 2nd song I learned to play on the guitar.
116. Heads Will Roll - Yeah Yeah Yeahs ...I somehow always listen to this song on the way to the venue...
117. La Grange - ZZ Top ...The Oh Noz have threatened to cover this song.
118. Chokechain - 3OH!3 ...Johnson once asked me in a bar when 3OH!3 came on and I started dancing and singing all the words, "who are these guys? Are they big?" I didn't know if they were or not... but I think he liked them. Or something.

Your Rainy Day

2012-01-10T18:35:00.000-06:00

I'm not scared to die, I'm scared that I'll never live,

I refuse to be trapped like you,

I refuse to be a martyr like you,

I refuse to be used like you,

I refuse to be desperate like you,

Exhale you like a giant balloon,

You made sure that I was the one who took the bruise,

If you can't care for me when you tell me that you love me,

Tell me how's she going to end up getting treated?

You make me pretend that I care enough to care,

Care enough to ensure your debt,

Care enough to feel regret,

Care enough to place your bets,

I beg,

I beg of you,

Don't use up your life and throw it away,

Don't use up all your good on the one who won't stay,

Don't use up all your pennies on the one rainy day

Wishes

2012-01-07T01:46:00.001-06:00

I have said many times over that my motto in life is "be careful what you wish for" because it has always so closely played a role in my life.

I have had a lot to think about in the silence that has filled me since October.

Now I wish for things like ways to take it all back... To change the things that I said, to pray for different outcomes from particular events.

It would change who I am now, and while I have never been (and promised to never be) a person who would ever "regret" in life, there's something to be said about hating the way that you said or did something and the outcome it provided you.

I can continue to attempt to create an image for myself that is strong, careless and carefree but in reality I am weak, insecure and my mind is ridden, rotten and filled with crippling memories (both horrible and blissful) which keep me up at night and literally knock the air out of my lungs making it impossible to breathe.

As I have stated (and as many already know), I do not sleep. It's very rare that I can find peace in slumber, and even then, I am a lucid dreamer and my dreams are vividly real, though I am aware I am dreaming. It's quite draining. Often times I will awake and feel more exhausted than when I laid down to get rest.

What's the point?

Mitch Hedberg once quipped that he wanted to sleep when he went to sleep; he didn't want to have to build a boat with his ex-landlord. I feel that way.

My mind is constantly racing; adding, subtracting, organizing, writing, adjusting, fitting, expanding, hating, loving, loathing and turning. Can't I have a few hours of submission? Is that too much to wish for?

Lately my wishes have been on things I wish I would have done when I had the chance, unfortunately nothing I can share here, but should I have just imploded my life - everything that I have spent my existence working for - what shall I have to wish for next?

Shall I wish for the impossible? Wish for what I cannot have and what is unattainable? To turn back time and have another chance? No, that would be silly and wasteful of me. There are 2 things that I am not: silly and wasteful. I am practical and despise waste.

I know that I am wasting my time with the running tracks that overdub my mind, but just as my heart beats and my lungs take air without my permission, I cannot help it or stop it and even if I wanted to, I would never know how or even where to start.

In The Time...

2011-12-22T04:30:00.001-06:00

...it takes me to sign into Blogger I forget why I even opened it anyway. Obviously to write a blog, but now I can't remember what about.

I just brewed a pot of coffee.

As I see it, if you can't beat insomnia, embrace it wholeheartedly. More time for work, anyhow. (And by "work" I mean "Reddit".)

The night is the hardest. It always has been. So much unknown out there - and don't get me wrong - I love the unknown. The unknown and the untraveled are the very reason why I even bother with so much that I do... but for the insomniatic, the unknown and the night are terrifying.

My thoughts flood me the minute that I lay down on my bed; the minute that I close my eyes... I am reminded of memories. The times that I laughed and was happy - I catch my breath for fear I will never have those experiences that made me that way again. ...I am reminded of the times that I couldn't catch my breath - the times that a simple touch, smile or inside joke was more than enough to sustain me - the wind is knocked out of me for the fact that I know that I don't have that and that I never will again (so far as I can see). ...I am reminded of the wrong that I have caused to people. All, honestly, unintentional - I catch my breath because if these people ever knew the amount and years of pain it has caused me, perhaps they would forgive me.

Perhaps forgiveness has already been granted. Perhaps I am not as thought of by these people as I once thought.

Who knows.

Sleep deprivation is writing this now. Sometimes it's better that way... better than the alternative.

About 2 years ago I wrote a blog in which I said that I had done wrong to some in my "past lives*" and however unintentional it was, I caused them pain that was unnecessary. I said how I was taking the steps towards being a better person.

I truly believe that I have lived up to that - however, we all make mistakes, and we all have to hurt each other.

So much of my life I have spent walking the fence; always fearing to take sides; always fearing to disappoint anyone or to side on anything...

I rode this fence and instead of speaking my mind and my opinion when I could (and probably should) have, I didn't. I ate it and sat there so as not to disrupt anything or anyone.

This was wrong.

In this process I have hurt people...

But then...

Sometimes you stand up for yourself, your beliefs and your opinions and you hurt people.

We all hurt people.

You've hurt people. You may have hurt someone today. Who knows... but you can be forgiven. If not, I know you can learn to move on.

Your best friend makes a cake and it tastes like shit - you tell him it tastes like shit and his feelings are hurt.

You work really hard on a photo layout and give it to your client - they tell you that they were thinking in going a different direction - you thought this layout was your Sistine Chapel - you are hurt by their words.

A stranger calls you "fat" on the Internet. You are, indeed, plump. You are hurt by their words.

A stranger calls your art "a disgrace". You believe them even though they are trolls. You are hurt.

You break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend and *mean* it when you say you want to stay friends. They are hurt.

...What are the alternatives to these things? No one can truly go through life without hurting anyone. It's life.

Alternatives?

Your best friend makes a cake and it tastes like shit - you eat it anyway and tell him it tastes good; your stomach aches for days and he raves about how he's the greatest baker since Julia Fucking Child. He makes more cake. You are obligated to eat it. ...it would have been easier to just tell him it wasn't great. Then he can get better.

You work really hard on a photo layout and give it to your client - they don't want to tell you that your work was not adequate for the account so they either; A: are pussies and can't man up and tell you, so they hire you and it flops. Or B: they just plain don't call you back and you always wonder if it was your work or something that you said or did in the meeting. ...it would have just been better for you to hear the truth - that way you can improve.

A stranger calls you fat on the Internet. Look... people are always going to troll. Some people just get off making fun of others and inflicting invisible pain. Note that 98% of these assholes wouldn't have the guts to say anything to your face. (I have met some... they hide behind their screens all day, but in fact it's just because they are insecure about themselves.)

A stranger calls your art a disgrace. Work harder. Your art is never finished... then again... neither are the trolls.

You don't break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend... you try to push through the relationship, but in the end you are unhappy and unfulfilled. When the break up finally happens, it's messy and your partner is mad at you for hiding this from them for so long - ultimately you don't get to keep them as a friend. ...it would have been so much better to just be honest at your realization moment instead of dragging something out. If you really can stay friends - friendship is better than nothing. Obviously this person meant something to you if you dated them in the first place.

So yeah... I have hurt people. People have hurt me. It's all recyclable and it's all normal. It doesn't make you (OR ME!) a bad, terrible, awful person. It makes you normal.

Everyone hurts people.

Sure, ignorance is bliss. ...and I enjoy my fair share of ignorance in the right place and time. There's some things that I prefer to be completely blind to (I won't discuss those here), but I love to hear all of the upfront and honest truth from my friends/family/lovers/etc.

I give my friends full permission to ridicule my work. Let me fucking have it. I've been working on a new project lately and I've recruited a couple friends (more to come in the later processes) to look over and proof my stuff... they tell me their opinions. I'd rather have my friends honest opinion knowing full and well that they love me no matter what versus my future employers full and honest opinion on the first day. It's much easier.

The long and short of this is that I hate that I've caused people necessary pain. Normal day-to-day shit. I hate hurting feelings. I'm terrible at it... look at me... I've had insomnia for years because this is the shit that keeps me up at night... this normal shit that everyone goes through and it bothers me so damn much that I hate to close my eyes.

I don't know if anyone else out there thinks these things or has these problems, but I just thought that I would finally get off my chest what's been bothering me for years.

In the coming new year I'm hoping to document in a notebook all the things that bother me about the ways that I've unintentionally hurt people and perhaps what the outcome would have been if I didn't and how I feel me hurting them perhaps bettered our situation... also, the ways people have hurt me, what the outcome would have been if they didn't and how I feel them hurting me bettered our situation. I think this will be cathartic and helpful towards loosening these thoughts that I have.

If you have any suggestions for sleep, insomnia, reciepes I should try, an example of "necessary" pain/hurt, etc... kind words, hate mail, etc. Leave it after the jump and I'll respond to as many as I can. :)

*past lives... In my mind my life isn't broken up into one consecutive thing... because I have so much memory loss of my past the different highlights that I can recall I remember as "past lives". Such as, my childhood (all four years or so that I can piece together), my teenage years (not much of that either), my early 20's (like shuffling through Justin Timberlake concerts and whatnot), and then the now. The "now" I refer to as the last three years of my life.

<3

8 Year-Old Self

2011-12-06T19:48:00.001-06:00

Dear 8 Year-Old Self,

I won't tell you that you should change your plans, your mind, your friends or anything about your life, because how you turned out at 27 is pretty okay...

All those mistakes that you made are not things that you should regret, because they brought you to the places you are now.

No, you don't continue with modeling (though you often think about getting back into it). No, you're not rich or famous (though you do okay for yourself and a few people know your name). And no, you're not still friends with Bailey (but you absolutely adore the friends that you have. They're the best part about you).

Some things you should be aware of, though... I know you think that when you become a "grown up" that people will take you seriously, that people will listen to you and let you be whoever you want to be... That's only half true - so you should be prepared for that and start trying to grow a thicker skin now. (At 27 it's still not that thick.)

The thing is, even now you don't feel like a grown up; and you probably never will. Also, the grown ups are more grown up and they will never stop looking at you like a kid. That will never stop being frustrating... And there's nothing you can do about it. (No, seriously... I have tried... So stop trying and just swallow it, Jodie.)

You are gonna "grow up" and be something different. You will be happy, but it won't come easily like it does now.

It'll be okay.

People are going to love you for your mind and hate you for it. People will embrace your appearance and push you away because of it. It's okay.

Even if parents and people you thought would love you unconditionally decide they don't like you anymore because you have tattoos, curse and celebrate holidays with drinks --- that's fine. They are missing out. Those people are shallow to turn you away for things that are just on the surface of you. You are so much more than tattoos, curse words and beers. The people who can't see that are cheap.

And those people who tell you that they love you "unconditionally"? They don't. No one can love unconditional. Not even parents. If there is a god, only (s)he can love unconditionally. Protect your heart.

Your heart.

Love.

Love, boyfriends, etc... Turns out it's not as 'top priority' as you might think. Be patient. There's a few good guys out there and you NEVER want to settle.

Don't settle.

Ever.

For someone who likes to hold onto things so tightly, you have to learn to let things go.

That's the hardest one.

You can't keep everything... Or everyone.

Sometimes you have to get rid of the things you outgrow in order to make room for new things and new people.

Always grow... You'll grow tall, but you won't grow up.

Jo

...what would you tell your 8 year-old self?

Leave it in a comment after the jump!

27.

2011-12-03T15:29:00.001-06:00

Thursday was my 27th birthday, a birthday I have anticipated for quite some time.

My birthday was extremely mellow this year. It wasn't terrible, though. I got cards from the most important people in my life, got a couple cool presents, ate sushi 2 days in a row, had drinks and had a good time. It definitely didn't suck. Of course, I can't not compare it to the year before, spending it with the boys... But... Well... At least I have happy memories to hold on to. :)

I now have an Instagram page if you're over there or interested. jodieplatz is my username.

I am on my 3rd cup of coffee and I am listening to Death Cab. It's a mellow, but good day. Later on I will be heading down to my favorite tattoo shop... We will see what comes of that. ;)

I thank each of you who supplied me with birthday wishes on the day... It made it quite lovely and enjoyable! I wished that I could hug you all, you beautiful people!!! <3

xojo

My Mirror Speaks

2011-11-27T21:00:00.001-06:00

I suppose that it's almost that time; my birthday is in 3 days. I have attempted to not bother people too much with the count down to it as I usually do. I've always enjoyed the count down to my birthday, but this year I fear there would be too many people annoyed by the incessant reminder of it.

My birthday really is one of those things that makes me truly happy. Of course, I have never had a birthday as was planned. There's always been something that has gone wrong or awry in it and there's always been something that has made me cry or travel off course... though, it has just prepared me to plan better for the future birthdays.

This birthday shall be quite low key.

I had hoped to get a tattoo, but I will wait on that. I already have and/or know what most of my presents from friends are. My grandmother gave me $50 and a card at Thanksgiving because she missed my birthday last year. (I was living in Alabama last year... ...spent my birthday in Baton Rouge with the boys... one of the best birthdays that I've ever had - all because of the company.)

With the $50 I went a little shopping on Black Friday. It wasn't planned that way or anything. It was in the evening and I decided to go to Target for some makeup that I had needed - when I got to Target I remembered about the sales, took a look around and found an amazing leather bomber jacket for $15. I have needed a new coat for a few years and so I bought it. It turns out that panned out quite lovely since it ended up getting VERY cold and raining that night, which made me thankful that I had bought a coat. I ended up spending the rest of the $50 on the makeup that I needed... and beer. :)

For my actual birthday I'm not quite sure what I'll be doing (besides replying to Facebook birthday wishes). I know that I have a sushi date with Jennifer on that day... so I am very much looking forward to that. I think we're also going to have sake and champagne... so... fun, fun!

Saturday (the 3rd) I know we're doing the majority of the birthday celebration by going out... seeing a movie (I've already picked to see My Week With Marilyn again... it was amazing) and to drink a little bit. I've invited some friends that I haven't seen in a long while... I'm hoping that maybe one of them will come. One thing that I've learned about my birthday is to never let your hopes weigh fully on those who are able to attend. It seems that that's where I end up letting myself down and that's where I always end up getting sad.

Plan for the worst & be happy when it doesn't suck + alcohol = decent birthday.

My favorite thing about my birthday is turning it into a multi-day event. :) That's definitely the best thing about being a product of a broken home; I always got to enjoy a week long birthday celebration. My birthday (and I believe ALL birthdays) is too big to fit into one day - it must span at LEAST 3 full days. (Consecutive days.)

I'm sure I'll write another blog about how the actual birthday went... but for now, I'll zip my trap on babbling about the day. ;)

Today 100 Monkeys landed in Sweden (hey, I'm Swedish! I've never been to Sweden, though...) and tomorrow they start their first ever European tour.

While I couldn't attend, I'm definitely nowhere near as sad as I imagined that I would be. I've never missed a 100 Monkeys tour yet, but that doesn't even damper this for me because my heart is so absolutely swollen as I watch my friends accomplish their dreams. <3 The word "proud" doesn't even begin to cover it. The only bad part that I can see of this is that I won't be able to be with them on my birthday like I was last year... other than that... only amazing and prideful joy coming from me. ^_^

Moving on again...

I took a series of [pretty serious] photos yesterday. Inspiration strikes at the most random times... but when it does, you must grasp it fully.

I haven't been inspired lately. I haven't even really touched my camera in quite some time. Tyler Shields says that a camera is just a really expensive paper weight if you don't use it. I firmly believe and agree to that... but I'm not about to force anything. When inspiration strikes, I grasp it.

The title of this photo is called "The Mirror". I believe that it's something where everyone can relate to at least one photo.

And while this photo was not inspired by this song, this is my favorite song about mirrors:

Edit:

There's something quite amazing about mirrors. While they are an unpolished version of yourself, how your eyes perceive them and their reflection can always differ or censor. A photo, however... a photo can never lie. (Photoshop - THAT is the lie, not the photograph.)

Something to think on.

I hope that y'all had a good Thanksgiving (to those who celebrate it) and I hope that you're looking forward to and getting ready for December!

There's Only One November

2011-11-11T00:51:00.000-06:00

20 days until my birthday...

It feels the same as it does every year that I count down to my birthday... I love it. The countdown is half the fun.

I'm not exactly sure what I'll be doing for my birthday. A few friends mentioned wanting to come to the city I'll be in and hang out/do birthday stuff. This would please me tremendously if they could work it out.

I can hope for it! *tries to think positive*

Big things happening... some I'll talk about - some I won't. (That's natural, right?)

I should be starting work on my very first solo album here in December. That... THAT pleases me more than almost anything. I need to get back to working on The Oh Noz! album, but now that Micky and I will be in different states again... well, oh well... ;) It'll just mean that I'll have to come back to Alabama to visit.

With the solo record... I can't even begin to explain to you how excited I am to finally start work on this. This, I feel, is my life's culmination. I've had so many "almosts" in my life.

I first started working with a producer and recording when I was 16... when I was 21 I was signed to a record label... 22 I was flown out to LA to spend a week recording a few songs with a hit producer... things crashed and burned from there (that's the short version of the story).

Then photography started being my main art... The Oh Noz! were created and all my energy has been put into that. I just haven't really thought too much about a solo EP/LP in quite a while...

Now that I have this opportunity - I'm grasping it and accepting it with both hands and I can't wait to share it with y'all.

...It almost seems a little ridiculous that it would take this long for me to get a solo album out. *scoffs*

Swiftly moving on and speaking of The Oh Noz!

Here's the latest Oh Noz! video to my favorite song off the ohmygod album, "Keep Your Mouth Shut (Famous)".

What does a photographer do when they need a photographer?

That's a hard thing.

Back when I was... *clears throat* ...engaged... to be engaged -- I had given a lot of thought into who I wanted to photograph my wedding. I narrowed it down to about 4 photographers that would depend on where exactly we were getting married... of course, my relationship ended, but here I am again in need of finding a photographer.

It's just something that is so incredibly hard to do.

If I had my pick on who I'd want to take my photo - I'd pick my friend/photographer Serenity. But, she lives hours and hours and hours away from where I'll be staying for the next few moons and so unfortunately, I don't think she'll be able to take my portrait for this project that I'm working on... which leaves me with finding someone commercially.

Le sigh.

I had an idea for a blog entry today and I couldn't remember it... just as I was typing that last paragraph I remembered what my topic was going to be... but now I feel that it's too late... yet here I am still sharing that information with y'all regardless. xD

I am a little more than excited to get back to a resting place for a hot second. I've been living out of the same suitcase since tour/July... I tend to mention that a lot... part of it is because I'm proud of that fact and the other part of it is that I'm still in complete disbelief that I have done that!

I'm looking forward to a bit of consistency in my everyday life... also, I'm looking forward to exploring... I'm going to try to go out more and meet new people... network some and meet new friends.

I have been feeling a little lost from the friends that I have/had. I won't share all my opinions on that openly in a public forum such as this, but I've had to draw back from a few people over the past few months because I was feeling under appreciated.

I don't really like to keep people around for the "what if"... "Oh, what if I need something from them someday...?" My mind doesn't work like that. If people don't talk to me, I don't feel the want/need to keep them around or to make space for them. I suppose I'd rather spend time focusing on people who make me a priority in their life.

It hurts me, though... because a lot of the times it seems like people never really notice or care when I disappear from their lives. It's not like I did it purposely in order to gain attention -- that's not it at all -- it's that I'm trying to keep my walls straight. My walls are there not only to keep people out, but to keep the people that I love in... when you pull back from me and you put some of those walls between us... well... I suppose that's all I need to say about that.

I am grateful for the people that I do have who love me and treat me well. I have 2 unconditional best friends/sisters when I thought that I was just lucky enough to have one... so I know that I must have done something right...

However, I can't help but think about those other people... I still consider them my friends - I'd still pick up the phone and talk to them if they called me -- I still hug them hello when I see them... I just... sometimes it's nice to feel important and wanted. I'm sure that's something that everyone can understand and appreciate.

I know that friendship comes in all kinds of different forms. Perhaps this is just the way that we are friends. I can live with that. :)

Let's end on a high note, shall we?

Have you got your Christmas list planned out? Why not run it by Santa himself?

http://www.santabot.com/ is a site where you can chat with Santa... I feel he's more realistic that its predacessor, Cleverbot. (http://www.cleverbot.com/)

Cleverbot just doesn't "get" me like Santa does.

Here's some new/up-to-date photos of me... these were spawned of boredom and too much time on my hands.

The editing that I did on them reminds me of the shots of the SNL host before they get back from the commercial break. xD That tickles me... (and it was unintentional)

The Right Atrium Of The Heart

2011-11-05T03:50:00.000-05:00

Rigorous and treacherous, he's utterly reprehensible

His actions and his words were mirrored, however indispensable,

A priority in private, but a stranger to the world,

His faults were never sheltered; they're constantly unfurled,

By definition he was a sinner, but his eyes claimed him a saint,

The demons of his muddled past had him perpetually in restraint,

Being frequently surrounded left him feeling isolated,

While the changeless atmosphere kept notion he was violated,

With every new day that passes he is on the brink of his new threshold,

And every night that sets upon him his loneliness grows by tenfold.

26 Days Left Of 26

2011-11-05T02:18:00.000-05:00

What does it mean when you're older; are you wiser?

Are you a better person now that you've circled the sun once more?

Does your skin change knowing you're one step further away from your birth date?

Another anniversary of cake and candles left upon your plate,

How can you know when you're done becoming the person you were set to be?

I don't know who I am so I keep changing to see if I like me,

If I take a little bit from all the things that make me happy

And I set them all together I call myself a finished masterpiece.

Growing

2011-11-02T06:56:00.000-05:00

There's a moment when the person you know starts becoming the person you knew,

It doesn't matter anymore about where you came from or what you're going through,

Life and status and bank accounts and accountability all don't matter,

You were born from a silver spoon and I was raised on plastic platter,

Your life and ribs and girlfriends and hair are all transparent,

My scars and knees and loves and things are all of which can't exist,

I'm proud of you for moving on, for picking up and moving out,

I'm happy that I don't need to lean upon the green age of your heart,

It's hard, I know, to trust another,

When we rest so easily to trust our own,

It's needed though; to help to seed, to help to plant, to help to grow,

It's good for you to stretch your legs,

To get outside and flourish alone,

With another, with yourself

Just remember you can always come home.

A Distraction

2011-10-29T14:20:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was one of the worst days that I have had to face in a while... I wrote a blog about it all last night, but as I came closer to bed and the early pressing hours, I realized that it was not something that I should post on a public venue.

I received a lot of love on my Facebook page when I stated that I was upset because I was finally saying aloud what I had known for most of my life: I have no family. I raised myself... this is why I travel, this is why I cry... this is why I perpetually search.

This came about full circle when my plans for moving back to Kansas City went up in flames.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

No one is listening anyway.

Here's some photos that made me happy yesterday when I was depressed.

And for those who made it through all of that... yes, I'm still depressed... no, not all of my problems have been able to be solved. Yes, it's more complicated than I can express.

Tonight I'm going to a Halloween party. I plan on enjoying chemicals and alcohol fully whilst I dance around in a slutty outfit and hit on strangers... ROLL TIDE!!! I love Alabama! :)

A Sledgehammer To The Face

2011-10-16T19:32:00.000-05:00

So... I read a book. Well, to be honest, I read the majority of a book... for those of you who know me (or have read about me in interviews or what-have-you), you should know that I do not often pick up a book. I feel that I quite often do not have a lot of time to read and that when I do feel like reading, there is not often things that interest me enough to read 300 pages of it and even less often will it be something that will hold my goldfish of an attention span.

I read a small book (about 170 pages) called He's Just Not That Into You. Many have heard of this book, or at least heard of the movie that followed. I can now say that I'm one of those people who states things like, "the book was so much better than the movie." Ugh. I hate to say it, but it was true.

I didn't realize when the movie came out that it was based on a self-help book. I didn't realize how much this book could help my *self*.

There were moments in it that I wanted to slap myself with epiphany... moments in it where I wanted to cry from realization of past flame's... moments where I laughed aloud at the fact that I had ever been so stupid...

I highly recommend this book to everyone. Male, female - doesn't matter. Everyone should read this book. I think it should be taught in schools... I could have saved 10 years of horrible dating experience if I had read this book when I was 16.

These realizations are not easy to come by to say, "oh wow... yeah... he just wasn't that into me..." But I say, "well, that sucks." And now I move on. At least it is no more time wasted on someone who wasn't willing to waste their time on me...

And as the book says, I deserve better. :)

Go read this book!

Head Full

2011-10-13T05:09:00.000-05:00

I was sitting here thinking about preparing for SBL... How on earth do you prepare for an event that truly moves people to tears, brings friends together time and time again and quite literally changes people's lives?

Well, first of all, you start by making a decision with how you're going to wear your hair.

I am embarking on what will be my 5th Spencer Bell Legacy concert next weekend and this is my 2nd time shooting it officially. (I'm the photographer for the SBL's that take place in Michigan, but I am not the official photographer for any traveling or affiliated SBL's. Consider me the official photographer of the flagship SBL. xD)

There's a lot of check lists that need to be crossed off before I can get in a car with my friend and head up to Michigan...

First of all, I wasn't joking when I said that I had to decide on how I was going to wear my hair. I was thinking of posting a few photos that had inspired me for haircuts, but I think I'd rather surprise everyone. (I'm sneaky like that...) Also, I'm considering a coloring venture... we'll see what ends up happening.

I need to decide on outfits. I'm still stuck with the clothes that I originally packed for the tour back in July. Yep. It's October now. Nope. I don't have a coat or a jacket. Yes, I am going to Detroit, Michigan. Yes, I plan on just pretending to convince myself that I'm warm.

I'll be back in Kansas City soon, it seems... I need to start planning that out. While that doesn't directly involve SBL... it somewhat does in my mind.

I have 441 photos to edit before I leave for Michigan...

I have a shot list to compile in my mind from the provided bands...

I have to find and get a print of each 100 Monkeys member for the SBL raffle that they'll be having this year... shit... I have not done that yet... I don't even have a clue as to which photos I'd like for copies... I need to do that when I'm editing those 441 photos, I suppose...

You know... to some people I may seem like an extremely disorganized person, however, I'm incredibly organized and organized with my time. I may have a week and a half to complete all this, but more than likely I'll use about three or four days of the time to do it. I tend to work better under pressure. My ADD seems to understand me better then.

I think I'm just typing because it's giving me something to do... I can't sleep lately. I haven't been feeling well... My head is full. My stomach is achey. I'm stressed, worried and anxious...

Oh well... off to Netflix. If you have any Netflix movie suggestions, please leave them in the comments!! I need some new stuff to watch!!

Thanks and I hope to see y'all at SBL!

Homesick?

2011-10-12T19:36:00.000-05:00

The past week or so I've been feeling an indescribable feeling of longing, loneliness, and just that something is missing from me.

I've been asked many, many times if I ever get homesick.

The answer to that is simple: no.

I can explain several reasons for it... first of all - I don't technically have a home. (I am on the road, traveling and crashing with friends far too often to call anywhere my "home".) Secondly, I've never felt like I ever had a home.

Even for the years that I lived in one constant place - I'd leave the house and beg my best friend to go to a bar or to the casino or a 24h diner just because I didn't want to go "home".

I've never felt like I belonged anywhere... other than the road.

Many people have told me that "home is where the heart is..." which was not a phrase that I understood completely until a year or so ago. Lately, as I've been talking to Jennifer on the phone and whatnot - with each conversation there comes a point that I would end up crying over something out of my control... the feeling of loneliness and the burden of being out of control is/was just getting to be too much for me.

I thought that perhaps I was homesick... missing Jennifer, my dog, my boys... to which, I am homesick in that aspect. I haven't seen my dog since the beginning of August... I haven't seen Jennifer or the boys since tour ended - and while there are always emails, texts and phone calls with the people that I miss - there is nothing quite as comforting as a hug. (Thankfully I'll get to hug some of these people in another week...)

I realized last night when I was on the phone with a friend and having another moment of this longing and heartbreaking loneliness that I'm not at all homesick, but that I'm roadsick.

I've been stationary since the first week of September and it's driving me up the metaphorical wall. I'm not used to being so still... my mind, body and soul quite literally needs and craves travel in order to breathe and thrive.

My little jog up to Michigan should suffice for a short while. After that I'm heading up plans on going back to Kansas City for a while... and from there I'll need to start working on a trip to LA or Vegas while the boys are in Europe.

Europe would have sufficed me for a while. I would have been able to live off of that travel for a quite a bit... but alas... it didn't work out. It looks as though I'll be spending my birthday in Kansas City versus Hamburg, Germany with my boys. (Perhaps I'll drink German lager all night in honor of them... or perhaps they should drink Bud Light that night in honor of me, since it's my birthday and all...)

I still need to work on what exactly I have planned for my birthday... I'm open to suggestions if you know the KC/surrounding area well. :) I haven't really explored KC in over a year - so I'm not sure of the new stuff/restaurants/bars that they have.

Do you get homesick? Roadsick?

What did you do for your last birthday?

Premonitions.

2011-10-10T01:42:00.000-05:00

A lot of times we aren't allowed into the inner cogs of changes that our life will take... most times we don't know that our life is taking a turn, growing or changing until it's already happened and we're halfway through the process.

A few examples:

I didn't quite grasp that I was dropping out of high school and that it would forever affect me until the minute that I was walking out of the door. (Of course, it actually helped me greater than graduating high school ever would have... though it was still a huge change.)

When I was 17 years old, I didn't realize that I was in a car wreck until I was on the stretcher and being put into the back of an ambulance.

And I didn't realize that I was an actual professional photographer until I started hearing it out of my peers and my [photographer] mother's mouths.

Then, there are some times when you're given ample time to prepare and accept a life change.

A few examples:

When your uncle is given 6 months left to live through his cancer treatment.

When you choose the person that you're going to marry or break up with.

...There are so many possibilites to all of that and in certain and lucky times of our life, we are able to predict our own futures.

I am currently in a situation resembling that. I can see the huge and pivotal events just notching their way into my future. Like speed bumps in my timeline marking something adrenaline rushing and endorphine inducing.

Of course... things can change... and you'll never know the true outcome of anything until it's the end of the story. We're not quite there yet and so I can't say for sure if this will be everything that I ever wanted it to be. I've always said, "be careful what you wish for..." I've got it permanently etched into my skin as a reminding proof that if I put out into the universe what I want, it could come to fruition.

Who knows if my wishes will have a positive or negative outcome in the end?

There have been so many things I thought wonderful that I wished for and in the end I started to feel as if I may have bitten off more than I could chew.

One day, I'll talk to you about that... but today is not the day.

The funny part about where I am right now is that I can see just what is happening and the things that are changing, but no one else is privy to them yet. I don't believe that one of us has quite grasped any of what is going on...

So... I sit.

I sit here and I sit in silence... I wait.

For, I will not be the first to speak, and I will not be the last to think so.

Is knowing better? Is knowledge power? Or is ignorance bliss? Are you happier now that you know, or are you lost now that you have nothing else to wonder and question about?

30 x 30

2011-10-03T01:57:00.000-05:00

Thirty things that I want to accomplish by the time I turn 30.

It's nearly my 27th birthday, here. It still seems far off to the outside world, but December 1st will come faster than you think. Take for instance, that it's October 3rd. We just passed the first of October (which is my dog's birthday...), 2 months from there is December 1st. On Halloween (October 31st), it'll be just 31 days until my birthday... and November goes by far too fast.

I'm almost 27.

My twenties have gone by in a flash.

I'm not sure if that's how it happens for everyone else, but if the twenties are any indication of what my thirties will be like, then I'll be at the end of the road before I know it.

In honor of that, before my twenties are over, there are some things that I'd like to accomplish. So here is that list - Thirty Things I Want To Accomplish Before I Turn 30.

(In no particular order.)

01. Write a book.
02. Get to my goal weight.
03. See all 50 states.
04. Get my hair healthy.
05. Drive a ridiculously cool car.
06. Learn to shoot a gun.
07. Own a gun.
08. Tip a waiter with something other than money.
09. Do Absinthe.
10. Go off the grid for at least a week.
11. Bury a time capsule.
12. Go on a holiday with no luggage.
13. Host a Martha Stewart-worthy dinner party.
14. Meditate for 3h in one sitting.
15. Wear a fancy dress for a whole day.
16. Keep a diary for a whole year.
17. Complete a 40 day water fast.
18. Spraypaint art on a wall... (IE: graffiti)
19. Get a Brazilian wax.
20. Live abroad or buy a one way ticket overseas.
21. Go on a cruise.
22. Take ballet and martial arts.
23. Go to culinary school.
24. Be happy with my phone, my phone bill and my carrier.
25. Do something elaborate to surprise someone and make them happy for no reason.
26. Eat more tofu.
27. Have a [mindblowing] first kiss that actually means something with someone that I fancy.
28. Wear a wig and create an alter-ego.
29. Hit on the hottest guy at a bar/club/venue and not be intimidated or back down.
30. Actually live to see 30.

What are your plans that you'd like to do before your next birthday milestone? I'd love to hear them!!

Big Ass Tiny Bullies

2011-09-30T10:22:00.000-05:00

This is what happens when you only get three hours of Benedryl induced sleep. Your mind wanders... and you cyber stalk the people that you knew in a previous life.

It's funny how your life is broken down between friendships and relationships; houses and jobs; etc... those are the things that you can remember.

I remember far too much... and then again, I can't remember anything at all.

I came across a piece of hate mail directed to me and written in 2008. Probably before anyone who will read this knew me. I was on Google searching trying to find someone I once knew and I was linked back to my own blog and slapped in the face with this slew of comments talking how if I was - and I quote - "run over by a bus and killed that [this person] would be the happiest girl on the planet", how I will "never become anything" and how I was a "stupid bitch ruining everyone's life and just a waste of space on this earth".

Reading back those hurtful and hateful comments made me feel so unwanted all over again. It didn't matter what it was about... it hurt to read it again. It didn't matter who said it, when or what it was regarding... it hurt.

I realize it now as cyber bullying. This person basically encouraged me to kill myself numerous times. Imagine that -- imagine being so hated by someone that your death would cause them happiness.

Bullying is something that I put up with in grade school... a little in middle school... so much Freshman year of high school that I transfered schools (and in hindsight my mother says that we should have sued the pants off their "rich asses" because of it). Most often times (note the high school bullying) I was not backed up by the teacher.

They thought of me as tattling. "Mrs. Long, Tommy called me fat again and pulled my chair out from under me." She would sigh heavily and tell me to go sit down. Eventually, I found myself a burden. (Something that I have issues with in other forms, as well...)

The teachers said that there was nothing that they could do. "Just ignore it," they would say and continue teaching. Eventually I shut down and while I was ignoring it, I was also ignoring class.

I *WISH* that my teachers would have done something about the bullies in my school. I would have rather been sent to another class or teacher than to have to deal with that. I would have rather the bullies been sent to the principal and have disciplinary action taken on them EACH time they bullied me or someone else. That's the only way to correct it. (Oh, and for parents to RAISE THEIR CHILDREN CORRECTLY!!!!)

The sad thing is, now we have this wonderful tool called "The Internet" to hide behind where we can bully people behind a magic shield from the comfort of our living room or queen sized bed.

The terrible part about this is I grew up in a world where as soon as I got out of ~~high school~~ my teens I really thought (ignorantly) that adults would act differently than the children I grew up with. Let's face it: adults are nothing but children with bank accounts and real life Big Wheels.

The mass majority of these people that cyber bully would never (ever, ever, ever) say something to the face of the person they are bullying.

What's the point?

Why waste your time and your online figurative "breath" to bash, diss, bully, hate on ANYONE? What's the point? It doesn't make you look big and bad. It makes you look scared, threatened and jealous.

They say that the best revenge is success.

I've always taken this to heart and I've never thrown down and fought; I've never had any sort of yelling altercation (verbal or email written); I am more of a person to just pretend that you never happened to my life and walk away. Cut my losses, collect my remaining chips and just leave the table. It's my goal to remain somewhat graceful in everything. When you lose your dignity, others will lose their respect for you.

The Beauty of Bands

2011-09-30T08:23:00.000-05:00

I just applied for a photo pass that I don't intend on being able to receive... but it brought this to mind: I don't know what my favorite bands look like.

...and that's okay with me.

Now, this is where some may say, "But Jodie, isn't your favorite band 100 Monkeys? I know you know what they look like..."

The answer there is not a simple one... Are they my favorite band? Yes... and no...

When a stranger asks me my favorite band, I am (of course) going to say 100 Monkeys, for hopes in recruiting someone new to listen to their music... but if, say... Johnson were to ask me my favorite band(s) I would say Death Cab, Telekinesis, Imagine Dragons, Ingram Hill, Islands, Mumford & Sons, Devil Makes Three, Arcade Fire... etc...

Out of those bands listed there, I have only seen Imagine Dragons and Ingram Hill perform live. I'd be able to recognize all of Ingram Hill easily as I am, shall we say, acquaintances with the lead singer... and along with the lead singer of Imagine Dragons, but with Death Cab, Telekinesis, Mumford & Sons, Arcade Fire and Islands I wouldn't be able to recognize any of them... I would be one of those ignorant fools sharing an elevator with one of them and not say anything just because I don't know who the hell they are!

I truly am just in love with their music.

In all honesty, I do not spend a lot of my time (if any) listening to 100 Monkeys. I get the majority of it whenever I attend a show... and randomly I'll throw on Smoke or Ugly Girl at times just to relive some memories or to miss the boys a little bit...

It's not that I don't love 100 Monkeys or their music. Clearly, I do. In fact, funny story here, I started to like their music in mid/late 2008 and didn't know what any of them looked like (aside from that one fellow, duh...). I saw them for the first time at SBL in August 2009. (Jackson wasn't there due to filming in Can-uh-duh) The Stevedores went on stage and I kept thinking to myself that this band was absolutely insane incredible, even missing Spencer. "Man, the drummer is THE SHIT." I said.

During the toast (which not apart of Thunderdome at this SBL...) and this tall blonde lanky dude in a purple shirt came and stood right in front of me for the toast.

I honest to god had no idea who the fuck he was. Bill Bell asked all the bands and friends of Spencer to come on stage and do the toast... he did so... I thought he was just a friend of Spencer's. He looked at me and cheers'd his Jameson before he took the shot.

A tad later when he (and that drummer that I liked so much) took the stage for 100 Monkeys my mouth hit the floor. I had absolutely no idea that they were a part of the band!

I played it off with the people that I was with... they knew me as the biggest 100 Monkeys fan that they knew -- little did they know that I did not know what this band looked like.

Why?

Because it wasn't important to me. I liked their music and their style, that's all that I cared about.

Later that night I got to chat with Ben for a little bit... we were going to their show the next day at Lucky Strike and when I got back to the hotel I went to their MySpace page and re-read their bios trying to figure out who was who in the band. Jerad was easy - I spent a good twenty minutes trying to figure out which Ben was which. (This was before they had photos with their little personal bios) ...the next day I danced my ass off at Lucky Strike and after the show I got to spend a little time with Ben again - he gave me a cut out guitar pick from an AMC gift card and I got a photo with him.

The rest, they say, is history. He's got to be one of the reasons why I ended up liking the band as much as I do. If he wasn't so sweet and didn't spend as much time with me as he did those first two days/shows - lord knows where I'd be now.

When I saw the band again that November he remembered me. That meant even more to me.

This all started because I requested a photo pass to Death Cab's show in Alabama and their opening act is Telekinesis. I posted a song of theirs on my Facebook and as I was looking for the one I wanted I came across a video of Telekinesis performing at a radio station - I clicked it and it was the first time that I had ever seen the band. I had no idea that the drummer was in fact, also the vocalist and that the bassist was a hot asian chick.

I almost prefer to not know what they all look like... I almost prefer to not know their names, birthdays or marital status -- If I can keep ignorant on all of that -- if they're always just a band with music that I adore, then there's never any sort of bad association with it. Ignorance is bliss. I don't want to know who they wrote their songs about; I just want to apply them to my life.

People.

2011-09-18T23:33:00.000-05:00

The people that know you most in life - you may as well trust in them more than you trust in yourself.

You doubt yourself.
You hurt yourself.
You let yourself down.
You stand in your way.
You will set yourself up to fail.
You tell yourself all the things that you will never be smart enough, good enough, pretty enough to do.

The people that know you most in life would never betray you like you betray and belittle yourself.

Those people that were there for you before you got fat... before you got famous... before you earned all that money... before you lost all that money... before you got arrested... before you fixed your nose... ...those are the real people on this planet. Those are the people that will save you from the train that's coming at you full speed. Those are the people that will carry you to the bathroom and put your head in the toilet when you drank the entire bottle of Jameson. You'll beat yourself up about it the next day - they won't; they overlook it and love you regardless...

They don't even love you in spite of all of your flaws - they love you *because* of all your flaws. Without your flaws, you'd be a boring person. Without your flaws, you'd be... someone else. Someone who is not you.

These people love you. They know your soul. They look into your eyes and hear you crying when you have on your brave smiling face for the world... these are the people that matter more than your mother and your father. These are the people that don't only want to hear the good things in your life, they want to hear about all the shit you go through, as well.

These are the people that have not only changed you for the better, but they have made you the person that you are today.

Hold onto these people with both hands and never let go... these people are more precious than gold.

Blatantly Honest: My Weight

2011-09-14T14:08:00.001-05:00

Thomas Jefferson said, "Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today." I think at one point, we all regret never listing to this wonderful piece of advice. For me, it's been the last decade.

It's no secret that my weight has been a constant issue with me for almost as long as I can remember. I was a thin child (in hindsight), but I was made fun of for being "fat", probably because I was taller than the rest of the children in my class.

I participated in sports (gymnastics, swimming competitions, roller skating, biking, running) and I was constantly outside every day growing up. Yet, I was called "fat" by my peers. I had issues with food starting at a young age, as well. (To which, I cannot discuss my childhood food issues in a public venue such as this, but I will discuss my latter issues.)

If you call someone 'stupid' long enough, they will believe it. I became fat because I believed I already was. Children are hateful and cruel.

I've blocked out a good portion of my life, but I can recall the first time that I ever starved myself.

I was 13 and now living in Kansas City with my mother. I had just been clinically diagnosed with ADHD and depression and I was the biggest girl in my dance class. I don't remember how, but from 5th grade in the small town of Wamego, Kansas to 6th grade in the big city of Kansas City - I gained weight. I don't know how much weight, I don't even properly recall sizes, but I got big. (I was a size 13 in 6th grade, that much I do recall - but I don't know what I was in 5th grade.)

I put Post-It notes on all the food that I wanted to eat to remind myself not to eat it. My mother told me that starving myself wouldn't make me lose weight and that I needed to eat healthy foods.

I also recall that one time I was riding my bike around the lake where I lived when a boy shouted out, "exercise won't help!" ...I told my mother of this and she gently corrected me, "exercise WILL help."

Irony is something that I've always been a fan of. I get tickled when it happens to me in every day life... though, it's not as funny, though still ironic that at 13 years old and a size 13 I was trying to lose weight because I was perceived to be "heavy". Now, here I am 26 years old and I would chop off my left leg if I thought it would help me fit into a size 13.

Ironic.

It's funny how you never see something clearly until you look back at it from a distance.

This photo was taken freshman year of high school (1999) in October right before the homecoming dance. I was so self conscious. Here I thought I would look like a cow compared to my beautiful friend sitting next to me, and in hindsight I realize that I was, in fact, smaller than her. This was a size 12 and I was 5'5. I weighed just under 200lbs.

Just a few months later I met who would be my best friend in the entire world, Jennifer.

This photo was taken February 1, 2000 -- just 5 months after the previous photo. Still 5'5, I now weighed exactly 200lbs and I was about a size 14.

When friends would ask me how much I weighed I would lie and tell them 160. They believed me.

November 24, 2000. 5'6. Weight aprox 210. Size 15. (Yes, those are pleather pants. This was also the first trip that started my love and need for travel; Las Vegas.)

Late July 2002. Age 17. 5'7. Weight 220lbs. Size 20.

2002 is when it all started to get very serious. I went through many life changing events that year. I became very depressed. I started to self-harm. I fought with myself constantly. Binging. Binging. Fasting. Binging. Purging. Fasting. This was the year that the self-destruction began.

2003 was the first year that I lived alone... I was 18 and partying every night of the week. When I look back at that year, I'm honestly surprised that I made it out alive.

2004 is when the self-harming and under-eating were at their peak. I was working for Kansas City's biggest radio station and most popular jock - I was under constant pressure and I was unraveling.

There are not many photos from 2003-2006. It was a very, very dark time for me. I hit my highest weight of 310 in 2005. I was the epitome of spiraling out of control... no one could save me, or even wanted to. I don't think anyone truly knew that there was a problem... and if they did... they didn't want to help.

6 months vegetarian/under-eating regularly with frequent binges. Self-harming under pressure. Self-medicating. May 21, 2007. Weight 290. Size 24.

2007 was hell. I was flown out to Los Angeles to record my first "pop" album from the record label in Kansas City that I was signed to. The short story: the producer was a fucked up individual. I ended up with nothing to show from the trip but a scar on my arm to remind me never to trust again. And also, to never sign to another record label.

October, 2008. Height 5'8, 285lbs, size 22.

My life started to turn around for the better in fall of 2008. Though I was nowhere near my goal weight, I finally got the binging and purging under control, the self-medicating and the self-harming was down to a minimum and I was just really getting into my photography.

The next couple years I went through a bit of a coma. I didn't really binge or purge... I didn't really fast or count calories... I just sort of maintained sub consciously. I was too busy thinking about other things (photography, 100 Monkeys, travel, etc) to really put hardcore effort into losing weight. Sure, it's something that is on my mind each day of my life, but I didn't not lose or gain a substantial amount from 2008-2010 to really make note of it.

Early January 2011, 5'8, 265lbs, size 20.

This photo was taken the last day of the winter tour with 100 Monkeys. 8 shows in 8 days and I lost 15lbs.

I'm now into my weight loss and I've lost a total thus far of 19lbs since leaving Las Vegas on September 2nd. I'm attempting to document the process (which shouldn't be hard since I'm a photographer... hah), and I'll be happy to share the photos once I pass that phase of it and move onto the next.

I have a weight loss goal set for myself to meet each week - thus far I am TWO full pounds ahead of schedule as today was my first "weigh in". :)

I only hope that I can keep this up and meet my ultimate goal weight. (Do not ask - I will not share as of right now.)

I am not ashamed of my weight or sharing these bits of information with you. I am ashamed of how I perceive my body and I am ashamed of how it makes me feel about myself. I am ashamed that I was a child model and that I let myself get to this point. I am ashamed that I had no self control.

I know that each girl (and more guys than will admit) have problems with their weight. Some people handle it the healthy way by cutting out 500 calories and walking a mile each night. Some people handle it by what the disorders in their head tell them to do. We cannot change each other or the way that others think. We cannot change what others think of us and the way that we choose to do things. We can, however, change how others see us.

If you're happy with yourself and your weight just the way you are - then own it and be proud of it, baby! If you want to lose 5lbs or even 100... it all starts with a single step and knowing that you're not alone...

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today...

What's your weight story?

Where I Was On 9.11.2001

2011-09-11T11:54:00.000-05:00

In 2001 I spent a lot of my time skipping school. I would only attend two, or maybe three days a week max. By this point I had just given up caring. There were times that I would come to school just for choir and then leave as soon as the class was over.

We had a rotating schedule and so we only had each class every other day... (hence why I would attend two or three days since that's how often I would have choir and my creative writing class...)

September 11th, 2001 was a day that I had all the classes that I hated. I had math, history, science and the only redeeming class was acting on that day... however, the teacher was a slacker and so it basically turned into a study/naptime hour.

I awoke that morning earlier than I usually did and with more energy. I lay in bed wide awake as I pondered getting out and going to school or not. My mind told me that I should stay home... but my body was wide awake and I had nothing to do that day... so I got dressed and went to school... granted, I was late, (I was supposed to be in homeroom by 750a or so) but I was there.

I got to homeroom class about 849a, just as people were jumping to their deaths in Tower 1. I walked into class and the tv was on (muted, as always...) and all the students were chattering amongst themselves. I went and sat at my table when a fellow student told me what had happened.

At this point, no one in my class (or the world outside of the people on that flight) realized that this was a terrorist act. We watched CNN every morning (muted) and all we thought that some fool drove his plane into the World Trade Center on accident or by technical malfunction.

At 900 I was due to be at my first real class of the day. Math.

When I got the class I asked the teacher to put on CNN and she asked me why... (no one in her class had been watching earlier...) I said, "because a plane hit the World Trade Center." She put the tv on and I sat in my seat (in the front row) and I didn't take my eyes off the screen.

She was just getting ready to start class when I watched the live feed on CNN as the second plane hit the South Tower at 903a. I gasped and put my hand over my mouth. She asked me what happened, "another plane just hit the other tower!" "I think that they're just replaying it, sweetie." She said and turned to the tv to hear the astonished newscasters describe what had just been seen. "Oh my god, you're right." She replied.

All we did that day was watch the news. I did not know anyone personally involved. I did not know anyone lost. I had never been to New York yet. I didn't know what to think or feel, honestly.

When I got home from school that day, I turned on the news again. My daddy called me when he got home from work... we didn't know what to say to each other, but I remember he asked me if I was okay. "Yeah, I'm fine... this is just crazy."

Jennifer was very upset by the events and by the amount of people that lost their lives.

I don't think I cried. I think I was shocked... appalled that this could happen to our country. However, now I am proud... I'm proud that we could all come together and love each other harder than ever before. I'm proud that TSA made more hoops for you to jump through to get onto an aircraft. I'm proud that people still believe in this event that changed our country ten years ago.

What's your story? Where were you? Did you know anyone? Lose anyone? Were you in New York? Tell me what happened with YOU.

A Long Deserved Ketchup

2011-09-01T14:04:00.000-05:00

The past four weeks I have been on the road.

I saw and went through so many things on this tour. I attended literally half of this tour, which in just half of those dates, that's still longer than any other tour that they or I have ever done before... so I can't imagine them working each day in and day out double what I have done.

I am so very proud of them. My heart is completely full.

So much has happened... so much changed (for the better and the worse) on this tour... but I wouldn't have changed any of it. It panned out perfectly in the end.

I caught the first two shows of the tour back in June up in Cincinnati and Indianapolis. My photos from the Indianapolis shows are now present as the 100 Monkeys photo on their official Wikipedia page and on Jackson's official Wikipedia page. *pause for insanity* ...that's insane, right?

From there I went back to Houston and enjoyed my final time with Liz, whom I had been staying with since the beginning of the year. When I picked up the tour again, I wouldn't be coming back.

Mid-July I went down to Florida to pick up the tour again... Tampa, Orlando, Ft. Lauderdale with a friend - then I met Jennifer up again in Birmingham, New Orleans (where I got Bourbon faced on Shit street... never again... ugh.), Houston, Dallas (where I left the Roaddog with my step mom, who still has her...), Austin (where it was 1000 degrees in the shade...), Tulsa, St. Louis, Kansas City...

I paused in Kansas City and missed the next three shows (from what I heard I didn't miss a whole lot...) so I could spend some time with my Mama... from KC I caught the next ones in Seattle, Spokane, Portland (best run yet), San Francisco (which I attended entirely alone), LA (I had a day off here that I spent alone, as well. It was interesting... this is also where Jennifer re-joined the tour), Las Vegas (another 1000 degree day in the shade...), Anaheim and then we all ended the tour in San Diego.

Of course there were snags here and there - that happens with life and of course that's going to happen when you're traveling and when you're working... but for the most part it was a very positive experience. I don't hold any bad memories with anything. (Except for perhaps NOLA... which was my own damn fault...)

I met some amazing people out this time! So many wonderful people brought me little tokens and things, which was completely amazing and so appreciated! I got several memory cards from people, Golden Flake chips, balloon animals and a DVD, a Best Buy gift card, some people bought me drinks and I got an obscene amount of HUGS!!!! <3 I am so grateful for each of you that took the time to come and say hello, talk to me and give me hugs and smiles. Y'all made it so amazing.

Unfortunately I don't have photos ready to offer up to y'all. I have a few... but I managed to fill up each of my memory cards AND my computer while on the road... so I can't do much until I can afford an external hard drive here in a couple weeks or so. (I'm putting that Best Buy gift card towards it!)

The Florida shows were pretty awesome... I have some great memories from Orlando and I finally got to see that ocean in person. I never had before...

Birmingham is always a good time - that's where a fan brought me an obscene amount of Golden Flake chips and a tour survival kit! <3 ...I have been to the past two shows that 100 Monkeys played at the Workplay theatre and so there was no way that I was going to miss them there this time around. It was so much fun...

I was so happy to get back to Kansas City. I know that I said I was so anxious to leave that town - but after being gone from it for a YEAR I was so happy to see my mother and those streets again. I introduced my mama to the band and she shot the show from the front row with me...

Check out my Mama's photos of 100 Monkeys here! She really enjoyed the show and the guys!

The Pacific Northwest was amazing. I caught up with my friend Kenzie there who lives in Portland and she was so hospitable!! <3 We had a blast in Seattle... it was the first time that I actually explored a city on my day off. We went to the first Starbucks, Pike's Market, the Space Needle and Viretta (Kurt Cobain) park.

For anyone who knows me a tad, knows that I love Nirvana and Kurt Cobain... it was completely emotional and wonderful. I was so moved by it and I felt entirely blessed that I was able to experience it.

The end of the tour was insane... I didn't cry as much as I had imagined, so many laughs were had and a multitude of memories were made. I'll never forget this...

Something that I have taken away from each show/most memorable about the city:

Cincinnati: "You shut up."
Indianapolis: Telling so many people about Spencer Bell.
Tampa: Seeing Bleeding Horse Express for the first time.
Orlando: The tallest stage I have ever encountered.
Ft. Lauderdale: Partying with Cassandra.
Birmingham: "You dance!"
NOLA: "It's so hot..."
Houston: Handcuffs. :)
Dallas: Getting the best email of my life.
Austin: Chain smoking in 110 degree weather.
Tulsa: You see... what had happened was...
St. Louis: Homeless people with records; 40 oz beers; spinning
Kansas City: Introducing my mama to the band!
Seattle: Seeing Kurt Cobain park. <3
Spokane: Being the only one in the photo pit. (That also happened in NOLA & Texas.)
Portland: Dancing harder than I ever have before at a 100 Monkeys show!!
San Francisco: Conversations about death and pants.
LA: BALLOONS!
Las Vegas: Watching the boys zipline across Fremont.
Anaheim: Some people have your back and some want to stab it.
San Diego: Thoroughly getting to say goodbye. <3

Where did I leave that Delorean? I'm ready to do it all over again.

Review of @100MonkeysMusic #liquidzoo Album

2011-06-25T16:47:00.001-05:00

I just finished listening to the album start to finish... while, I got it the other day, I skipped around listening to tracks and parts of tracks here and there...

I know that my opinion means absolutely nothing, but I did want to share my thoughts with those who care to hear them.

The album was well worth the wait. I first heard from Jackson back at SBL August last year that they were recording new stuff... I did not know that it would take this long for them to get the album out, but believe me... it was worth it. :)

I am so entirely proud of them for this album. I know that they (and everyone involved) worked their asses off to get it out and to make it the best possible record they could. It definitely shows.

Now, I'm not just a blind follower - I did have a couple complaints about certain things... which, you can read about if you care to in the dissection of each track below. (Not so much "complaints" as "opinions"... remember that... these are my OPINIONS!!)

Or... you can just take my word for it that it's amazing and well worth the wait and your money. Check out where 100 Monkeys are going on their tour! Starts Tuesday! Album officially drops same day! <3

www.100MonkeysMusic.com

Album: 4/5 stars
Favorite *NEW* song: Time
Favorite *finally recorded* song: Prayer
Surprise favorite song: Devil Man

The Fair
My history with the song: Has never been my favorite, but it's definitely grown on me. I always enjoy the bass line and shouting "I'm a winner, I'm a winner, I'm a winnahhhh!"
Favorite lyric: *see above*
Standout instrument: Jerad's guitar solo.

As the first track on the album, I believe that it's a great way to kick off the record. As I mentioned, it hasn't always been one of my favorite songs... in fact, the two times they have played Birmingham, I have used this song as my bathroom break, if that's any indication... always making it back before Jerad's guitar solo...

On the album, I really appreciate the fact that it's very true to how you'll hear it live. I've grown accustomed to hearing the song this way and I am not a fan of change...

The Sound
My history with the song: None - brand new song.
Favorite lyric: "To my guitar of which I sing; I will give my diamond ring, if only this old piece of wood, would love me like a woman..."
Standout instrument: Saxaphone

Probably the most anticipated song on the new album... because of that, I listened to this song first before any others. I do not see the point of the rap in the middle of it, but I must admit, it's pretty freaking amazing. Who can argue with a reggae style song with a white boy rap in the middle of it?!! I surely can't.

I definitely love the chill of this song and am instantly in love with the tone of Jackson's voice on this track. Absolutely perfect. I have no complaints about this song...

And... ThWilla FTW. :)

Shy Water
My history with the song: Another one that was never my favorite, but I never avoided it. It's always a nice place to catch your breath in the show.
Favorite lyric: "If there's a moral here that's to be learned, it's not to let a good thing pass you by..."
Standout instrument: Bass/mandolin.

I know there are some very avid Shy Water fans out there who were desperate in getting this track on the album... I hope they are all sufficiently happy with this result! I am very happy with the recorded version of Shy Water... seeing as how I am pretty ambivalent on the song live, I feel like that in itself should be a huge compliment.

I'm really more anxious to hear what the diehard lovers of this song feel about it... YOUR thoughts?

Time
My history with the song: None, but it was talked up to me by a couple people.
Favorite lyric: "Get a knife; cut it out, I wanna hear them sing!"
Standout instrument: Check out the flute solo!!

This was the song I was most looking forward to hearing and as the album approached I was scared that it would not live up to the months and months of anticipation that I had placed on it... Fortunately... it was everything and more that I had hoped for!

This is the kind of song that I dreamed of hearing from 100 Monkeys on this album... something new, something with the amazing drums behind it... pressing guitar and then the flute solo... Jackson's voice on the track is textured; I can FEEL his voice.

My only complaint about the song is that it's not long enough. I could listen to 8 minutes of that. ;)

Wandering Mind
My history with the song: One of my absolute favorite songs live.
Favorite lyric: "You were so damn perfect; it was hard to understand..."
Standout instrument: Keyboard

I'm not fond of this song on the album. Something about the filter over Johnson's voice that blows my speakers out a little bit... This is a song that I love to just let go with and when I see it live I SCREAM every word like I mean it... thus, I really wish that I could blast it in my car or at my stereo at home without feeling like my speakers are going to rip. :-/

Just don't take it out of the set lizt and we'll be golden.

Prayer
My history with the song: It's not played live that much, though it's always a really big treat to hear!
Favorite lyric: "Suaviter et Fortiter my family prayer; I hope to see you there on the other side..."
Standout instrument: The drums...

Out of my nearly fifty 100 Monkeys shows that I've attended I've probably only seen Prayer performed six times or so... One of those times left a lasting impression on me as they performed it in Nashville at the NewCon event in 2009... it was the first time that I saw Jackson perform with 100 Monkeys and I remember feeling like there was too much talent, too much passion, too much energy in that body of his. I listened to the rip of Prayer from NewCon for months and months after that.

I had actually forgotten that Prayer was supposed to be on Liquid Zoo, in all honestly... but I am pleased to say that it exceeds what I expected of it. I actually don't have the words in my vocabulary to explain how much I love this track... It's wow, for me... it rivals that first performance that I saw of it... which, is amazing.

Black Diamond
My history with the song: I was at the first performance of this song... a good one to hear live; love the energy it embodies.
Favorite lyric: "Just don't talk..."
Standout instrument: The guitar intro and solo... Ben's messy keyboard skills. <3

The first time that I listened to this song on the album I was unsure on if I would like it or not... I wasn't sure about how deep Jackson's voice is in the beginning or the backup singers... and while I'm still not so sure on those things, I will say that listening to it the whole way through again, I got very into it about half way through.

I definitely don't hate it... of course, I prefer everything live and in person, though. ;)

I think that this song was executed very well on the album...

Modern Times
My history with the song: None - brand new song
Favorite lyric: "Don't mind about the forethought cause no one really cares and you'll see as it comes to light as it does in life..."
Standout instrument: Keyboard.

Love this song... reminds me so much of each week that I spent in Baton Rouge. I really have no complaints about this song. I love the breakdown towards the end of the song. Very awesome. I really can't wait to see it live!

Made Of Gold
My history with the song: I've seen it performed live many times... I try to avoid it.
Favorite lyric: "He was one of the Lost, the first to be found..."
Standout instrument: Keyboard, of course.

Before you can take my opinion on this song... you have to know my history with it. Most people love and adore it - which, I think I understand and "get"... but at the same time... I don't. Please don't get me wrong... Jackson is an incredible poet... he's an incredible singer/songwriter... and yes, I love Spencer... but this song is just too close to his person.

I suppose I should love the fact that he's comfortable performing a part of his bare soul like that. For me, it's too much.

Anyhow... swiftly moving on... I did listen to the track in it's entirety and I can tell you that it's done very well... I really like it. I won't be listening to it much (if ever, at all...) but, I think it's actually so much better than hearing it live.

I hope that all of those who listen to the track and like it try and find the origin of it's birth by looking for and learning about Spencer Bell.

Invisible Monsters
My history with the song: First saw it performed in Tulsa in March 2010 (back then Jackson sang the vocals...) ... one of my favorites to see live.
Favorite lyric: "Call the number on the TV to see if I can be saved..."
Standout instrument: Drums.

While a lot of people were pulling for Shy Water to get put on an album, I was voting for this one. Invisible Monsters was a rare sight to see at a 100 Monkeys show for the longest, longest time... slowly it made it's way into the shows more frequently and I believe that's how it's popularity grew.

It was actually Scott who suggested that Uncle sing the song instead of Jackson... to which, works absolutely perfectly. I love that Jackson still sings the bridge though... that's one of my favorite parts of the song.

I think that I love this song so much because it reminds me so much of my own personal experiences.

It's a real treat to see it performed live and there's absolutely nothing that I want to complain about with the track. <3 I love it and I'm so happy that it made it to the album!!

Devil Man
My history with the song: Saw it almost every week that I was in Baton Rouge... love it.
Favorite lyric: "Give you all the money and the girls that you please: you'll spend eternity on your knees..."
Standout instrument: Ben's voice sounds like red velvet cupcakes.

I also didn't remember that this track was going to be on the album...

There's something about this recording and I can't put my finger on it... I love it entirely. It's definitely in my top three favorite tracks... it sounds perfect. I love it.

Life Moves Pretty Fast...

2011-06-17T23:03:00.000-05:00

"You come over to say hello in the brightest of the lights,
I'm so impressed, you look your best, without an ounce of trying,
I make light of a picture, and you're leaving with your friends,
And I've no doubt I'll never see you again...
Cause you may deceive me... but you made me try to make believe in
That there's something more, we can't ignore, but nothing we can do..."

So much has happened. It's insane that at times I have nothing to share and nothing to say and then other times I feel so full of randomness to spread that I can barely keep track of it all.

First of all, and most importantly... I have completely hot pink hair now. Yes. Photos soon. Also, tomorrow is tattoo day. Number 8. :)

Also, I have dyed Jennifer's hair blue...

Taken with my new lens that I bought for the 100 Monkeys tour. 10 days until the first show and the new Liquid Zoo album! Excited doesn't begin to cover it.

If you want to hear a preview of the album this Sunday be sure to head over to www.fender.com/100Monkeys - also, you should head over there since two of my live photos of 100 Monkeys are posted on the Fender site!!!

This is a beyond exciting moment for me. While my photos gained a lot of exposure from the Las Vegas radio station Mix 94.1 back in May, this is a huge mention and the completion of a personal goal of mine. (See the photos posted by Mix 94.1 here)

Another big something for this week is that I was interviewed by Hell Yeah! 100 Monkeys. It was pretty cool... you can read that here.

Here's two new photos that I've taken with the new lens. :)

One last thing before I go -- I have a new book coming out this fall. It will be all photos shot on the road between June 28th (first date of 100 Monkeys tour...) and August 28th (the last day of the 100 Monkeys tour...). While I'm not going to all 40-some-odd dates, I am going to a fair chunk of them and I wanted to showcase a point of view that is rarely seen. The loose and working title is "A Van With A View"... though, that might change. We'll see... ;)

I can't believe I'm about to make my 2nd book! Insane. This one will be available through direct order and will ship a helluva lot faster than the last one.

Thanks for reading this ramble...

[Worthy Title About Nothing]

2011-06-07T12:47:00.000-05:00

"Feeling better now that we're through,
Feeling better cuz I'm over you,
I learned my lesson; it left a scar,
Now I see how you really are..."

I suppose there'a been a lot of changes happening to me lately... some I am not ready to admit... some I can't hold inside for a moment longer.

When you're six and you've got your favorite long sleeved winter shirt... you love it... you want to live in it... you never want to wash it and you want to wear it to school every day... when you're seven you go back to that shirt that you loved so much the previous year -- you still love it just as much -- you're super excited to put it on and this year it doesn't quite fit the same as it did last year. Though it's a little small and a tad uncomfortable - you're not ready to give it up yet... so you wear it. Another year passes and you're eight now... the shirt no longer fits and though it's hard and it hurts - you give it up.

I'm seven right now. I know what's coming... but for right now, I'd like to wear my slightly-uncomfortable shirt and pretend like it still fits.

I feel like I'm starting to outgrow a lot of things in my life. It's painful to watch.

I also feel like a lot of things are starting to outgrow *me*.

Yesterday I cleaned the bathroom - I maaay have used too much bleach. I got a swimming headache afterwards, but that wasn't the strangest thing... What was really weird is that I got insanely hyper. More so than I had been since I was a teenager. I couldn't calm down at all. It was a little strange. I didn't know what to do with all of my energy. Crazy.

I'm insanely bored.

...

I think I'm getting excited for the Monkey tour. I think. 19 days or something like that until I go to see them. I am completely unprepared. I have nothing planned and no tickets bought... I don't know what I'm going to wear or who I'm seeing where. I do have a couple photoshoots planned, so that makes me happy-time... but other than that, nothing is really settled... though... I am really looking forward to going back to Kansas City for the show there!!

Insane how excited I am for that. :) Very excited. I haven't seen KC or my people there since September when I left... I am forcing my mama to come to the show with me... it looks like it may be my only time with her while I'm there...

Also excited for the California leg of the tour... but that's something I'll talk about later and closer to all of this...

Bored.

Bored.

I'm a bore.

Happy Birthday @Jerad_Anderson! @100MonkeysMusic

2011-06-04T12:02:00.000-05:00

HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY, JERAD!!

Today on this most important of days, I wish for you a glass that is always full, a guitar always in hand, a constant buzz from your phone (how is that different from any other day?), and a perma-grin on your face.

Think of all the amazingness that you've accomplished in your thirty years on this planet. You've lived enough for three lifetimes, it would seem.

I am so fortunate to have you as a part of my life and so today I drink for you. (Just coffee now, but you know later I am shooting Jameson in your honor, dude.)

Have a fantastic birthday and make it one for the books, BFF!!!

Tons of love and high-fives today! EAT CAKE!!!

Happy birthday, rockstar! See you soonish.

The Inside/Shit You Never Knew

2011-05-24T15:35:00.000-05:00

It's sometimes hard to see a person as a person until you know a part of them. I was thinking about a few things and I decided I will share a part of me in hopes of you getting a better a grasp on me... who I am... why I do things... how I feel...

We'll call this Things Most People Don't Know About Jodie Platz (original title, eh?)

I had baby blue eyes until I was 14 when they turned deep green.

I have had my heart broken, but I have never been in love.

I've been in an abusive relationship.

I have a birthmark on my right arm.

I have 7 tattoos, one of which is a coverup.

When I like a song I will listen to it on repeat until I hate it. (Usually about a week or so...)

I rarely listen to 100 Monkeys except when I'm on a plane or about 2 days before I get to see them after a long "drought" period... or you know... at a concert.

I'm fully ambidextrous.

When I was in middle school I wanted to be a choreographer or a dance instructor.

Most of the bands that I listen to I know nothing about. (Death Cab, Telekinesis!, The Shins, etc...)

I have a scar on my inner thigh from 2nd degree burns.

I played the trumpet in band.

I was bitten by the dog that I owned as a child.

I had a pet cow when I was 5 and I "worked" on a farm from ages 4-6.

I went to the same high school as David Cook (he was a year ahead of me and I didn't know him well).

I like to "invent" meals... I'm a pretty good cook and I love to share that with people.

I speak to and see 100 Monkeys more than I do to either of my parents...

The longest I've ever gone without eating was 10 days.

I planned the prom my junior year and dropped out of school before I was able to experience it.

I have been arrested.

Painting used to be my favorite medium of art.

I didn't talk to my grandparents for five years. I have since rekindled the relationship fearing I will regret it when they die.

The biggest crowd I've ever performed in front of was 18,000. For dancing. 2002.

I once blew $3000 in one week. This isn't one of the things I'm most proud of.

I have terrible knees from a car accident I was in... This hinders a lot in my photography. While it doesn't keep me from getting the shot, it does make the shot very painful.

I had bleeding ulcers from stress at age 12; what 12 year old does that?!

My first memory is from when I was 24 days old.

I'd prefer to develop my photos in a darkroom than to edit them on Photoshop. I learned how to use a darkroom when my mother was in photography school around the age of 10 or so.

I have been physically assaulted by a man more than once.

I have a terrible association with Ford Mustangs and chances are if you're driving one, I'm probably screaming at you from my car. It's nothing personal against you and your choices of vehicle.

I hate giving gift cards because I feel like they're impersonal... however, I love getting gift cards.

I don't know if that did anything to make anyone know me any more or less or if any of it was even relevant towards anything... but hey... I enjoy sharing random things and things about myself. Even if I share all the details of my life, I still feel like people will probably never know me. You can't know someone based off facts alone. These facts are not what make up me and my heart... so kudos to those who try to learn me and my heart...

I will happily answer questions in the comments section about any of the things that I have posted about.

xojo

Mediocrity

2011-05-24T12:11:00.001-05:00

This was a rant that turned into a positive and motivating message. Read and be motivated.

I refuse to let my work be anything less than superior to my previous shoot. While we all have off days, and we all have moments where we say "ugh, I wish I would have done *THIS* with that shot..." it's not acceptable to let yourself be mediocre.

Mediocrity to an artist is a bigger epidemic than the population of homeless people on Fremont Street in Las Vegas. (I guess if I was homeless I would want to be homeless in Vegas, too.)

By no means am I calling myself perfect. I still have much to learn. I experience artistic jealousy more often than I care to share, but if fuels me to practice and to better my own photography.

I look back at old shoots and learn from them - and then I remove them when my newer shots have outgrown them. What may be the best shot that I've ever taken on Tuesday, will be the worst shot I've ever taken on Wednesday. Everything is ever changing and developing. Some things and some shots I am not proud of, but they're apart of my work and who I am. There are some shots that I feel I will never exceed...

I took this photo in Mission, TX on the first day of 2011 and I vividly remember when my finger pressed the shutter to capture it.

My fear is that I will never nail another shot the way I nailed this one... but, if this is my best and most loved and accepted piece of work - there could be worse things.

My digital editing skills have greatly accelerated. To look back on my old things now I cringe at the over-saturation and the lack of depth with shadows and curves.

The best thing is to get the shot right the first time and not have to fuss with it much, if at all, in Photoshop. That shot up there that I just posted? No Photoshop on the original that everyone loves. On that copy that I posted in this blog, I de-saturated it because the excess red was starting to irk me and I felt like it was almost bleeding into the lines...

I probably and honestly spend less than 10 minutes per shot that I'm editing from a concert. I do not like to heavily edit things. I aim to take them correct the first time.

We are all learning constantly. No matter what you do there's always room for improvement.

I am highly anticipating the upcoming shows I'll attend to continue to improve and prove myself as an ever-evolving photographer.

We all have our own style and our own way of doing things... and they say that "art is subjective"... true. Some do not like my art and my style. That's their opinion to have.

I feel at times people can be blinded by the subject and refuse to see or notice the technical details of the shot... (Or maybe "photography" is not important to them and they just really care about looking at what they may call "pretty pictures". Who knows.)

There are some things in life that I do not understand... and I can't really choose to express them here... but I do want to stress that no matter what equipment you're running, it's important you know the capabilities of it and of yourself.

When I purchased my camera, I got it because it was where I was at in that moment. Now, I feel like I've outgrown my camera (not that this is the point...) but... a point to make is, you can have the most expensive and high-tech camera on the market - that doesn't mean that you'll take a great shot.

I don't aim to take "passable" or "sub-par" shots. I never want to feel indifferent about my work. I want to look at a photo and believe in it. That shot up there? I believe in it. I am proud of it.

I never want my photography to be ordinary, common or middling.

I always want to better myself and I always want my last shoot to be the best shoot.

As I mentioned in the beginning of this post - we all have off days. Not every shot is going to be THE shot. My mother (a professional photographer) told me years and years ago (back in the days of shooting weddings with 35mm film...) "You may take 100 shots and get ONE. And even then, that's lucky."

Why is that quote true? Because she never settled for mediocre photography. She didn't want 10 shots that were "good" and looked similar. She wanted ONE shot that was extraordinary and made you stare.

Better yourself... no matter if you're a photographer, a musician, a janitor, a nurse or a teacher. Better yourself and don't settle for mediocrity.

I am Jodie Platz, and I approve this message.

Visible Change

2011-05-23T18:19:00.000-05:00

I took some new photos... it had been a really long time since I had and I like to document every change. (Hence, the Pink-Hair 2.0)

Some may think it's narcissistic to take photos of ones self... however, while I do agree with that, I also think it's important to let the world see you how you see yourself... and who better to take photos of you, than you?

In the first few I took I noticed a big change in myself... almost shocked me. I've apparently lost weight, it seems. Others notice it, but I never do.

I noticed that I have laugh lines and the beginning of what will eventually be crow's feet. I'm not ashamed to point this out... I think it's kinda nice that I can see myself aging. Of course I can easily Photoshop those things out, but I don't pretend that I'm not 26.

Also, the hair looks like it's short and completely pink in these photos -- while I assure you that it's not short and/or completely pink, it made me think I might want it to be. Hmmm...

Here's the newbies. (Click to enlarge.)

Take more photos of yourself, kids.

Until I have something to say...

Passion Vs. Photography

2011-05-20T21:28:00.003-05:00

Fortunately I have people who believe in my photography and my art. Fortunately I have people who tell me that I capture 100 Monkeys unlike anyone else can... that they can see my passion for photography and my love for these boys in my photos.

I'm so thankful for that.

I may not be spot on with everything technical in each photograph - but I do know what I'm doing. (For what I am doing and what I am happy with.) I do make my living by this... although, I'm finally at a point where I feel like I don't have anything to prove to anyone.

My passion for photography is strong. I'd love to say that "I love my camera more than anything," but... that would be a lie. I love these boys more than anything. I'm just thankful that my love for them transcends the lens and is captured onto the shots that I bleed for.

I put my heart and soul into each shot and I hope that you can see the heat of the moment and the vibrancy of the music and THEIR passion through each photograph. That's my ultimate goal... not to make you feel MY love for them - but for you to feel THEIR love for the music and each other and their love for performing.

I re-edited a few photos from the last show on the winter tour... I've shared them everywhere else - it's time to share them here.

To those who support me and my photography - thank you so much. To those who don't - thank you so much.

Thanks for taking a look at them. Catch more at www.jodieplatzphotography.com and www.facebook.com/jodieplatzphotography

Each and every one of you who reads this is appreciated! Thank you so much for your support! I can't wait to see you on tour!

Photo Journalism

2011-05-19T15:08:00.002-05:00

They say "every picture tells a story" and that a "picture's worth a thousand words"... while I agree with each of those sentiments, there's been something that has been irking me for a while now that I'm finally ready to speak about.

I kept it to myself for fear of getting lynched by other photographers or photo journalists... however, as a compassionate human it's something that I'd like to discuss and hear your thoughts on.

I do believe that photographers and photo journalists are cut from the same cloth - telling a story via visual photographic art - but while the photo journalist focuses more on the raw and unadulterated emotion, a photographer such as myself aches to capture light, beauty, emotion - yes, and just like a photo journalist: moments.

The difference is that in the following situations of photos I would have put down my camera. Even as a photographer I believe there's a time and a place for everything. For instance, as the official photographer for last year's Spencer Bell Legacy concert, there were many moments that my eyes captured that my camera didn't.

Pressing forward...

This photo is from the Battle of Gettysburg and while even though there's death in this photo - it doesn't bother me as much as some of the others taken as recently as the ones in Iraq where there were photo journalists in pits with soldiers while they're getting bombed and shot at. Perhaps it's just me, but I would have felt out of place and in the way.

I understand the world wants to see what's going on and these photographers earn Pulitzer prizes for their photographs... but...

From the Vietnam war... this photographer won a Pulitzer for this shot... and then later apologized to this man's family for the irreparable damage that this shot did to his family. This was taken moments before this man was shot.

I could not fathom having my camera out at a moment like this, let alone having it pressed to my face and finger on the shutter.

And the shot that prompted this blog...

Photographer Kevin Carter took this photo of a patient vulture stalking a starving child in Africa. He won a Pulitzer for this shot... after which he was ridiculed for not helping the child and instead spending 20 minutes setting up the shot... Three months after taking the photo he committed suicide.

My heart is too big. I would rather give up my camera for eternity than to watch something like this - let alone document it for others to be subjected to... for it to be preserved for all time... It's horrific.

I know that concert photography is something different from photo journalism... as I stated in the beginning of this blog. Even on stage I use my better judgement on when to snap and when to stop. I've been asked once to put my camera away by an artist and I did so as soon as I was prompted.

Courtesy.

Ethics.

Art doesn't have to cross all lines of humanity.

While the world may or may not be better because of your shots... there are some things that aren't worth a Pulitzer.

Tell me your thoughts.

Additional photo credits: Timothy H. O’Sullivan – Battle of Gettysburg; Eddie Adams – Nguyễn Ngọc Loan executing Nguyễn Văn Lém.

The Rules Of Life According To Jodie Platz

2011-05-14T12:17:00.001-05:00

1. Never be ashamed of your music collection or what you like to listen to.

2. Buy the pants that fit you TODAY. Not the ones that will or won't fit you in ten days.

3. Travel now because you can... don't make excuses.

4. Have the career you want - not the job that you need.

5. Never stop dreaming, wishing or hoping for your life to be better than it is now. Never give up on yourself that YOU can be better than you are right now.

6. Never stop learning. You're never finished and even though you're the best at what you do today, someone will be better than you tomorrow. (This applies to EVERYTHING.)

7. Open doors for strangers. Also, smile at strangers. Once in a while, pay a toll or a coffee for a stranger. It's amazing feeling to give and also to get.

8. Give your heart away. You don't need it... someday someone will give you theirs.

9. Do what makes you happy today... it could all disappear tomorrow.

10. Tell the people that you love that you love them today... they could disappear tomorrow, too.

11. Don't use people, but also, don't be afraid to ask for someone's help if they have something special to offer.

12. Listen to your music loudly. Yes, you may eventually lose your hearing, but do you want to die deaf or do you want to die wishing you listened to "Sabotage" by Beastie Boys as loud as it would go...? Exactly.

13. Never stop thinking; question everything. Learn from those around you. Let others learn from you. Speak up.

14. Be original. There's a reason people say "dare to be different"... because everyone is afraid of doing something out of line from the "normal". Go against the grain.

15. No one is normal; only the crazies will survive. The people who think "weird" are the ones who create art, run this country and make a dent in the universe. Be known.

16. Everyone must constantly prove themselves to the world. Unfortunately. Yes, this includes you.

17. Make art. You don't have to be an artist to express yourself on a canvas, through a lens or on a guitar.

18. Jealousy will not get you anywhere. We are all jealous of someone or something for some reason... but you need to learn to get past the act and be happy for people for what it is that they have that you want. Chances are they worked really hard to obtain it. Show them you are a bigger person and can applaud them for their successes and not that you're bitter.

19. You get what you give. The world works in a karma system for the majority of life and all of it's lessons... if you're bad - bad things will happen... if you're good - good things will happen. Be good to people. It's much better than the alternative.

20. Every day changes your life. What may be today will not be tomorrow. If you don't like the path that you're heading down - CHANGE it.

21. Don't eat cheap BBQ, drink cheap whiskey, wear cheap mascara or buy cheap memory cards.

22. Never let anyone tell you that you don't have the right to use the bathroom.

23. Never have a breakdown in public. Excuse yourself... people will think higher of you and less of you if you don't.

24. Be honest, but not to a fault. Sometimes people's feelings should be spared, otherwise you're just being cruel.

25. Don't force your religious views on others. Your religion should be private and something just for yourself.

26. Treat people as you would like to be treated. Also, remember that we all were born the same, we all have the same obstacles in life to overcome, we all bleed when stabbed, we all cry when we have a broken heart and we will all face death one day. No one is above any of that - so treat everyone as they are: HUMAN.

27. Never apologize for your accomplishments.

28. If your friends can't be proud of you and supportive of your life, accomplishments, goals, etc: then they are not your friends.

29. Be kind to animals... they have thoughts, feelings and souls.

30. Build walls. This will not only help you keep people out, but it can help you keep people in. Those who will scale the walls to be near you are extraordinary people. Those who constantly leap out of the walls are doing so for a reason...

31. If someone picks apart your life - there is something seriously lacking or wrong with theirs. Don't let it bother you and say a quite thought for them that you hope they find what they're searching for to make them happy.

32. Don't pick apart others lives. *See above.

33. Don't lie or exaggerate to children; they believe everything.

34. Never give away all of your secrets.

35. Take more photos. Let the world see what you see.

36. Scream and sing loudly. Also, dance how you feel without care.

37. If you ever find yourself saying "that's something I would never do", then you know the perfect reason why you should do it.

38. Believe in love and happiness, but don't believe everything that everyone says. I'm a unicorn. Did you believe it? No. Remember that... It's easy for people to tell lies. On the other hand, sometimes you just have to BELIEVE... and those things that you believe in may never make sense. I'm a unicorn.

39. Live life with no regrets. (See all above.)

40. Don't listen to anyone else's rules except your own. (See all above.)

Here's some pretty for you to look at.

The Fountain Of A Thousand Hats

2011-05-07T17:33:00.001-05:00

*insert cool icon*

My step mom just left from a nice lunch and visit, and as she left she mentioned something very interesting. "A person can't wear more than one hat."

Essentially she meant that you are what you are to most people, and it's hard to overlap "jobs", so-to-speak. Your sister should never be your boss, your mother should never be your stylist, etc... etc...

So it made me think about the hats that I wear.

Admittedly, I am a different person to each person that I know. And hopefully by now you realize that this blog is not actually about fashionable headwear.

Fortunately, Jennifer has stuck around with me for enough years to understand this and doesn't question why I am the way I am to certain people and why I am not the way I am not to others. I am a different person to each of my parents, my friends, etc...

A good example of this is my relationship with Micky. Micky brings out a different side of me - (example: The Oh Noz!) ...one of the weeks in Baton Rouge when I first brought her around the boys I mentioned in passing to Johnson as we were giggling and making jokes about "Satan's Vagina, cream on cupcakes, etc..." I said, "Micky brings out a different side in me..." he chuckled and said, "I can tell."

I could delve further into this analogy, but I choose to remain quiet about the rest of the ins and outs about it.

To Micky I wear my Funny Musician Hat.

I assume this hat is very miniature and has hot pink glitter on it. She brings out the most crude in me, in the very best of ways. I feel like I'm possible of greatness when I'm with her.

To my Daddy I wear my World's Best Daughter hat.

This hat is something like a nice large sun hat. Innocent and shielding. I hide my dad from the bad, evil, sexual, dangerous parts of my life. Also, the majority of my cursing.

To my Mother I wear my over-achiever hat.

With this hat I never reveal my failures; I am always successful and artistic and I have the most creative ideas.

To Jennifer I wear my Jack-Of-All-Trades hat:

She's always wanting me to be better, to be the best of myself that I can be... I can never see the things in myself that she sees and I will never. I wear this hat to try and fulfill her *image* of me and to project it into the universe...

The hat I wear for myself:

Wanting to shy away from the constant and pressing attention, but in the end - there really is not escape.

This seemed a bit thought provoking to me for several reasons... I thought of the boys for a split second... I wear a different hat for each of them, as well...

I feel in some instances I can wear the hat of friendship, but not the hat of a photographer... I can wear the hat of a photographer, but not that of a fan... I can wear the hat of a fan, but not that of a follower... I can wear the hat of a follower, but not that of being loyal...

With all these hats that I have now accumulated, it's time I met my Mr. Smeds.

Which hats do you wear and what are your favorite? What's the most tiring?

Viva

2011-05-05T13:10:00.000-05:00

...I must remember to transfer some icons over to my computer... it feels naked without.

So... I just returned from Las Vegas this past weekend where I caught up on three 100 Monkeys shows which has to suffice until I see them at the CD release party in late June.

I hadn't told anyone (aside from Lani) that I was heading into Las Vegas for the shows in hopes of surprising the boys a bit. Whether or not I actually pulled that off, I was happy to see them and they appeared to be the same... I caught up with them, exchanged hugs, my new hot pink hair got noticed, I had to remind the Bens that I didn't live in Tuscaloosa anymore since they said they were worried about me... It's a good thing to hear, though. Definitely good to hear.

...I think I snuggle attacked Jerad the hardest. It had been the longest since I had seen him. Hardcore. :)

Meet and greet hello time was good. Usually when Lani asks me if I have anything for the boys to sign I just say no because I literally have a box of autographs on random things... but this day I said, "actually..." and Jay replied, "your camera?" And I said with surprise... "Well, *actually*..."

I wanted them to sign my Flip video camera... while. it. was. on.

The boys loved the idea and agreed and I decided I would share the video with everyone. :)

http://youtu.be/DQlh_KeAzfQ

At the end of the video you can hear Lani ask if I would like a photo with the boys. I wonder how many people have said "No, thanks, Lani." :)

I feel like this should be a "caption this" photo.

The shows were excellent. I was put in the photo pit for both of them... quite a change from the usual of being pressed up against the stage... but! It was my very first photo pit! (Be proud of me.)

After I posted the photos the Las Vegas radio station snagged them up to post them on their website and 100 Monkeys re-posted the link on their Twitter and their Facebook to thousands and thousands of people... that's the biggest mention that my photos have ever received.

Follow 100 Monkeys on Twitter: @100MonkeysMusic
Like them on Facebook: www.facebook.com/100MonkeysMusic

You can see the photos posted here on the Las Vegas radio station's website: http://mix941fm.radio.com/2011/05/03/100-monkeys-live-at-the-cosmopolitan/

15 of my photos posted there. :)

Here's some of my favorites from that evening.

The next day the band had an instore at Tommy Bahama's... here's a few of my favorite photos from that.

You can see the rest of the photos over at www.facebook.com/jodieplatzphotography

One more little thing that's actually quite huge before I move on from 100 Monkeys... my friend Summer brought this to my attention today -- 100 Monkeys mentioned The Oh Noz! again.

http://youtu.be/MHH_znqPkCc

At the 6:12 mark there's some serious gushing that may or may not have been one of my favorite things on the planet.

If anyone questions why I go to every show I can, if anyone questions why I love these boys with every inch of my heart and soul; THIS is why. Because of all the love and support that I give them, I get this kind of love and respect back.

Swiftly moving on...

Twas good times... I had a great time in Vegas. My friend Julie let me stay with her at her hotel and the day after the 100 Monkeys shows we went to the Shark Reef at Mandalay Bay. Incredible!! I was so happy to get to go with her.

That shark is smiling for the camera. :)

Until next time... so long and thanks for all the fish.

Happy Birthday, Johnson! @100MonkeysMusic

2011-05-04T16:34:00.000-05:00

Another birthday... another year... another birthday post.

Happy birthday, friend. May your wishes come true and may your shots be full.

CHEERS!

I Need A Minute

2011-04-25T20:29:00.000-05:00

Oof... great. I don't have any icons on my new computer...

Hang tight.

"Faced with the andriods conundrum..."

So... today I got my very first MacBook Pro. :) I am a little too happy about it. It has been named "West". (Understand that or divorce me... hehe...)

Jennifer has adopted my old computer, though I still have stuff on it that I need to get off... :-/ Unfortunately my hard drive is completely full and so I'm kinda fucked there for a second...

This computer is so fast that it's already next week at my fingertips.

I already have plans for the computer. *snickers* I'm sure you'll see soon enough or something.

I'm tired.

Jennifer has a blog now that she has a computer... she's pretty excited about it... www.readbeforeyouspeak.wordpress.com

Lord knows when she will have it up and running... I have done my part and now I pass it on to her. :)

Everything that I want to talk about I can't talk about... huh. It always ends up like that, doesn't it?

Let's just say that I'm extremely happy for the moment and that I'm looking forward to something. You'll know about it soon enough and I will hopefully have something to share with you.

My video blogs for Monday's seem to be quite the little hit. People ask me some great questions on there... you can see them over at www.youtube.com/thejodieplatz along with some Monkey videos that I've taken.

I still have to upload some videos from Mechanical People back in March... I will get to that, eventually, I suppose.

Today I bleached the top half of my hair in hopes of getting back to blonde and pink soon enough... working on it... errr... it's... going. Some of it turned out a bit orange because my hair was red/brown... so... that's interesting... oh well, it will be pink soon. :) Pink will cover up orangey.

I want to put a 100 Monkeys sticker on the front of my Mac... I think I lost my stickers though. :( I don't know where they went to at all. *sad*

Picture of the day:

I Could Just Kill A Man

2011-04-20T15:14:00.000-05:00

"Go get your ribbon box, go get your wounded heart..."

Relationships have never been my strong suit.

I, like every other woman on planet earth, fall for the wrong men and I seemingly do everything wrong.

Another problem that I have with men and relationships is that I'm a realist; if I don't see the relationship having a future I'm not the kind of girl who can stick around and "have fun" waiting to "see" if it "goes anywhere".

I don't know if I can blame that on being 26 years old and just not being able to [literally] fuck around and waste time... I don't know that because honestly I was the same way at 18. I guess I'm just wired differently.

While at 18 I was definitely less serious about relationships than I am now - I have never felt like my heart was something to be messed with. I have never willingly gave it away. And I can also say that I have never been in a relationship where I was in love. There was once that I thought I was, but it was an illusion. I can realize that now, of course, in hindsight.

To have made it 26 years without being absolutely in love seems either a travesty or pure luck.

While I can say that I've never been in love in a relationship, that's not to say that my heart has not been pulled. As I stated yesterday, I have more emotions than I know what to do with...

Some have said that they are in love with me... though I have never said it back. I just cannot fathom speaking the words without having the meaning pressed behind them forcing them from my mouth.

I guess if I don't feel anything bigger - if I can't see it going somewhere, the point is - why waste time?

Sure, sometimes wasting time is fun... but it was fun at 18. At 26, one day I will wake up and be 40 and all this time I thought I had will be gone... then where will I be?

I suppose all of this is spurred from my head and my inner thoughts and the running monologue I have badgering me.

A few days ago on Facebook I mentioned that Liz and I were watching Say Yes To The Dress and it was making me want to call up my girlfriends and ask them to set me up with their single guy friends... now... that might sound a bit scary of a thought -- to go from a wedding TV show to, "hey, maybe I do want to start dating again..." but believe me, I don't *expect* to go on four dates and be engaged. Though, I do think that once you know, that's all you need to know...

Regardless...

Yes... yes, marriage is something that I'm thinking about. As I inch closer to 30 and I think about my future, my life, what I want from my life -- marriage, kids... career... happiness. All of those things come into focus...

At the same time... I know greatness is worth waiting for.

I will not settle.

I've watched friends settle before and while I'm happy they are opening a new chapter of their lives and getting married or having babies - I wonder if they quite realize just how special, unique and amazing they are and how they deserve so much better than the asshole husbands that they walked away with.

But hey, those are the things that good friends keep to themselves.

Photo of the Day:

It's All The Same To The Clam

2011-04-19T22:23:00.000-05:00

It's no secret that I have more emotions than I know what to do with. Also, that I have battled depression, anxiety and eating disorders since I was what they call these days a "tween"... but when people ridicule me or coddle me for those things that I cannot control, it doesn't help them.

I've mentioned on this blog before - and I shall mention it again here - just because I'm perhaps having a low part of the day does not mean that something is "wrong". I understand that's an easy question to ask people... and I guess I should stop bitching that anyone ever asks me it, because let's face it, if people were to stop asking me it I would complain and say that no one cares...

At the same time when people coddle me and hold my feelings in a porcelain cup - there's no way that that is going to end well. A friend recently asked me, "how are you?" I said, "I'm good, how are you?" He replied, "Really?" ... I waited... He said, "I've heard some things..."

Oh. Well... let me tell you - I am not going to go "off" myself. Please don't tip toe around me because I'm at my low point of the day lately more often than I'm at the high point of the day. While I do claim to be an alright actress, I am just not the type of person that will willfully hold in their feelings and emotions. I feel that if I'm sad; I should be sad. If I'm happy; I will be happy. The end.

I know that depression makes people uneasy when they don't know what to do with it... but let me assure you that even though I still battle depression (unmedicated - by prescription and by self - I am completely sober now, by choice for the time being) I am still much happier than I have been in years past when you didn't know me.

I do have reason and meaning to my life and I do more often than not feel fulfilled. That's a big deal. I feel loved and accepted and I feel important to those close to me who matter... hell, I even feel important to some of the strangers and "fans". This is absolutely incredible.

Yes, I have attempted suicide before... however lightly and calling for attention or however dramatically and seriously... but I can tell you that is nothing further from my mind.

Even if it all were to stop tomorrow - if I never took another shot, if I never shot another show, if I never spent any more time with those boys - I know that suicide would not be my answer.

...This blog was actually not spurred by anything. Just some feelings that I had that I wanted to get out and share with... well... everyone.

I love each and every single one of you. No matter how insignificant you may feel you are in my life - you make a difference in it. Even if you hate, loathe and detest me - I still love you. You are an important part of me and this journey.

xojo

Yeah...

2011-04-10T15:43:00.001-05:00

So... this whole "blogging everyday thing" clearly isn't going to happen. While I maintain that I am still blogging more than I was previously, I have come to the conclusion that I don't blog on days that I am away from the house or days that Jennifer doesn't work. Therefore - that could be several times a week.

The hCG diet is going well -- which, I need to update THAT blog, also... I lost three pounds yesterday alone and am now one pound lower than my starting weight. (The "load" days really put me off...)

I don't feel like I have much else to share, really... let's see... um...

Fuck.

All I want to do is talk about my weight.

That's the downside from being on a diet - it consumes my every thought.

EDIT: I finished this lame excuse for a blog and I went to my new hCG diet blog to put up an entry and as I was typing I realized that my goal weight for the end of this shabangle is less than I have weighed in 12 years.

In-sane.

Carry on.

Slacker

2011-04-07T11:04:00.001-05:00

I was actually listening to The Oh Noz! when I started writing this blog, so I thought that the icon was more than appropriate for today's blog.

The Oh Noz! (my band for the stalkers that follow me from my previous life...) were actually just mentioned in a 100 Monkeys interview. Pretty flippin' sweet, if you ask me.

PZO: What’s a common compliment people give you as a band and individually?
Jackson: “We love your live show.” It’s always amazing, you know, after the show we see people and they tell us how much they had an amazing time and how they met a new best friend of theirs or I think one of the best compliments we ever received was a CD from a fan who had been inspired by us to form her own band and that was a huge compliment right there.
Ben G: The Oh Noz!.
(laughter)
PZO: That’s what they’re called?
Ben G: Yeah, N-O-Z.

Flippin'. Sweet. I don't hate that little thing right there. :) Do not hate at all.

Micky and I actually gave Ben an Oh Noz! shirt to wear in Dallas... he was going to wear it on stage... but... then he got high. (Or something.)

This was at our last performance... February 1st we went on right before Mechanical People at the show... Ben introduced us before the show and then after the performance (which was rocky in places due to the amount of Jameson we ingested) he hopped up on stage and said "give it up for The Oh Noz!" ...we definitely loved that. :)

I think I have now missed TWO days of blogging... but... at least I am still making it over to this blog more often than I was before. See... I'm trying.

I missed the other day because I was away from my computer all day again... I missed yesterday because I was stalking the mailman.

I have been not-so-patiently awaiting the mailman to bring my hCG drops so that I could finally start my new diet. They finally came yesterday about 2 or so and after taking them and then eating on them for the first time I got very tired and lethargic, which I believe is actually the opposite of what is supposed to happen on them... so... I hope that I don't have a backwards reaction to this crap as well. (Like Red Bull makes me tired.)

I actually started a new blog just for this "diet"... I will give you all the web address at the end of the 30 days. (Actually, I will need to go longer than 30 days in order to lose all the weight that I'm aiming for... this first cycle I'm going 43 days, which is the most that you're allowed to do... then I have to wait 6 weeks and then I can start another 43 days... we'll see how it all goes down.)

I'm pretty excited for this... those who have read my blog for a long time (or who have gone back in my blog to read old entries) know how excited I get to start new things. I get very motivated. Of course, when things don't show me the progress that I want or need I get very discouraged... I am going to try to push through that this time. I definitely have focus for this one. I see the goal that I want to obtain and now I'll try my hardest to reach it.

I had some very vivid and disturbing dreams last night. I'm a lucid dreamer, for the newbies who read this... and at times my dreams are almost too real and too much to take. Of course, there are times when that is a plus... when I'm being kissed or held I can actually taste the persons lips; I can actually feel their arms around me. That doesn't suck. :)

Last night was somewhere between evil and heaven.

I was in a hotel and every time I turned on the water and looked away blood rushed out onto my hands... the people around me could see the blood come from the faucet, but by the time that I would turn around to see it, it would go back to water. There were a few other little incidents that were scary like that... seeing things... feeling things that weren't there... I can't remember them all the way now that I've been up for a few hours... but... yeah.

Picture of the Day:

(PS... that kissing/holding thing happened in my dream last night... it got me through the grossness of touching blood.)

I Knew I Forgot Something...

2011-04-04T12:04:00.000-05:00

"You hold your head up to the sky you say 'what kind of blue are you?'

Then you ride a pony 'round and 'round it's digging a hole right through,

You stumble down the Yellow Brick Road spinning your shoes in the air,

Then you hold your breath and count to nine,

Hoping that soon somebody will find you..."

Yesterday I didn't touch my computer at all... so, it's not a surprise that I forgot to blog. Hopefully I can "make up" for that today by blogging something seriousfull.

Of course I had to decide to do this whole blog-everyday-thing now... when I'm wanting nothing more than to hide my head in sand.

I have appreciated the emails of confidence and help plus the lovely texts from all you beautiful people. Perhaps it's best that I force myself to do this so that I don't completely fade away.

Yesterday I went to the mall for 7 hours while Jennifer was at work. I listened to my iPod until it died, just watching the people pass by. Strangest thing - people are lovely when you don't have to hear them and you aren't in a rush to get anywhere specific... it's nice to have your own soundtrack to their fuckery.

The first place that I went was to the Borders book store in the mall. I had planned on stopping for coffee at Starbucks beforehand, but I'm glad that I waited because it turns out they had a Seattle's Best in the Borders! I got a coffee and told the barista boy that I was surprised to see one this far South... then of course, I've just moved to Houston. He said there were four or five in the area and one in every Borders... oh well... I'm clearly a regular at Starbucks and Barnes and Noble.

The first time that I had Seattle's Best was in the Denver airport on the way to Seattle, actually. Last June... unfortunately my iced coffee had grounds in the bottom of the cup and I ranted to Twitter that if you're going to call yourself "Seattle's BEST" that you maybe should keep up with that trend...

That would be a hard thing to do... while I can understand wanting to name your coffee "Seattle's Best", you'd think that it would be a reflection of your product -- which, I'm sure it is... but for me being a first time drinker at that time and to find grounds in my coffee - it didn't set the impression bar very high.

I'm kind of a coffee snob. Yep, I'll admit it.

But... yesterday's coffee was in fact Seattle's "best". I quite enjoyed it. The cute barista boy brewed it fresh for me. :) It's impressive what a little niceness and a smile will get you. (I wasn't even wearing makeup!)

I wandered around Border's and was in search of a photography or a psychology book... instead I found neither; I found Cobain Unseen - a book with insight into Kurt Cobain's belongings. Obviously I bought it.

I bought Kurt Cobain's journals book back in 2002 when it was released... unfortunately I'm not sure where that book is now... I suppose it's either lost or back in Kansas City. I will re-buy it if it's lost... that's a book that I miss.

This book talks about Kurt's connection to his material things... it has exclusive photos from the Kurt Cobain Estate -- (all of his possessions are in a high security locker in Olympia, WA now...) It was really quite fascinating. I learned a lot about him that I didn't know yet. Of course, I'll be honest... I never really studied Kurt - he fascinated me just the way he was and I never felt the urge to really search him further. I sort of took him as he was and kept it at that. So, it was nice to learn about him, parts of his childhood, his psyche, his multiple attempts at suicide and how he always knew his fate.

He didn't seem like a person who had a low and decided to take his life. To me, he reminds me of the center person that they followed in the documentary The Bridge (documentary about people who take their lives by jumping from the Golden Gate -- it's on Hulu.com for free, please go watch it) -- the guy they follow through the entire film and keep going back to was chronically depressed and always knew he wasn't going to "make it" long in life. He always referenced suicide and said that's how he would die. His family had even come to terms with it... Hearing more about Kurt really reminded me of this...

Also I learned that just a few months before Kurt's death that while in Rome with Nirvana he took 20 Rohypnol pills and washed them down with a bottle of champagne; citing Shakespeare in his suicide note. 2 things -- why Rohypnol?!! And if you're a druggie who has been contemplating suicide your entire life, you should have "known better" than to use Rohypnol. Though it seems like it was a legit attempt at suicide, at the same time, I can't imagine that he was serious...

Then again... I don't know Kurt.

Moving on... (otherwise I'll talk about this book and the ins and outs of it forever...)

Something strange about yesterday's events was that while I was waiting for Jennifer to get her lunch break I was sitting at a table reading my new book, listening to my headphones with three beverages in front of me... random people kept sitting in the chair across from me.

Now, I've said before and I'll continue to say many, many times here-over, I AM ALL ABOUT MANNERS! Perhaps in those manners would be "do not sit with strangers". An amendment to that would be to at least ASK the stranger before plopping down in front of them.

It's no secret that I've been depressed the past few days and by wanting to go out to the mall and be *near* people - that was my way of not... shall we say... going off the deep end. But, that doesn't mean that I wish to sit with people!

For those who don't know me, you should be made aware that I basically keep to myself. My phone doesn't go off much - it never rings - and I'm not the person who stands behind you in the line at Target and makes conversation. While I am very friendly, I don't go out of my way to be social. If you ask those who I am close with - they will tell you that I am pretty quiet. (Other than my loud music... but hey, that drowns out people talking.)

Unfortunately, I feel like my online persona is much more interesting than I really am in real life. Yes, when I'm with the boys I talk and engage... but that's probably a different thing for a different day... they're a rare exception to most rules, I've found.

Regardless, I found it to be quite rude that these strangers sat with me. More than one person on more than one occasion! I ended up pulling the chairs in very close to me and sticking my feet on them. No, you may not sit here.

As I said in a blog entry, probably dated back in September... my manners are almost to a fault at times. There are times when I shouldn't be so capped by them... but I find it best to have too-good of manners than too few.

At least I know that's something that my children will have -- good manners. Unruly children are absolutely frightening. Don't you know that your children are a reflection of you?

...I suppose I should stop there...

Plans for this week:

Get over it.
Move on.
Start diet.
Find other meanings to life.
Contemplate new hair colors.
Remember to blog.

Picture of the Day:

[Insert Depression Here]

2011-04-02T11:32:00.000-05:00

This day wasn't supposed to start out badly. It just sort of developed that way. It's not even noon and I already know that this day is a scratch.

Unfortunately I committed to making this blog entry every day of April... I shouldn't have done that.

Phone is off and I've closed Facebook down to just the minimum. Anything else goes astray and Facebook is gone. The one thing that kept me on Facebook for the longest time was the fact that my photography page is linked to it and there's nearly 800 people attached to that. It would be irresponsible and wasteful for me to give that up... but at this point, I'm not ruling anything out.

There's so much that I realize and that I'm aware of and people just don't SEE that. The fact that I see it when I'm in it -- shouldn't that make it that much more impressive? But no... nothing can impress you. I do try.

It's exhausting to be what everyone wants me to be all the time... to not have a place to hide... And for those who say "just be yourself"... trust me... you don't want to see that. So I portray the image of myself that you expect or what you think I am. It's not a lie -- it is ME... it's just a very diluted version, I'd say. I suppose we all do it to one extent or another.

It's times like these that I fight it and try to go against the grain... "what's in it for me?" "why am I here?" "what's the point of it all?" "I give up."

It doesn't really matter anyhow. This is one big game and one giant charade.

The ones listening are just waiting for the sound of my fall.

Goodnight.

The Changes That Go 'Round

2011-04-01T15:32:00.000-05:00

"Do you love me babe? What do you say?

Do you love me babe? What can I say?"

It's been a long while.

I always feel bad and end up apologizing after I haven't been around for a while... I'm too nice.

I just got back from SBL ATX and two Mechanical People shows... to which, now I am bruised and still exhausted. Honestly, I'm scared for tour. Though, this tour will hopefully be easier than the others because I'm trying to lose a good chunk of weight before it starts.

My weight is something that I've battled for so many years. Believe it or not, I was once underweight. Now, of course, it's no secret and I don't hide the fact that I am overweight. (I also know that's an understatement, however, I hate the other word...)

Fortunately I have good people around me who are always willing to either help me lose weight, try to motivate me or to just offer their love and support to me no matter what size I am.

While on the road I always end up losing a ton, which makes me happy. I just plain don't have time to eat and since I'm always on the go I burn a lot of calories... on the last tour I lost 15lb in 8 days. That didn't suck. I tried to keep it off - and I did for a while - but I got depressed and my weight ballooned again.

Regardless... I'm excited to start this new venture towards weight-loss. I *was* trying to get Lap-Band for the longest time, but unfortunately that just doesn't seem like it's going to happen. I'll try a few more things before I go rob a bank to save my life. (No credit = no Lap-Band for me.)

Right before I start new weight-loss things I always end up yapping about them tons. I just get overly excited for everything and all the brand new possibilities... No harm in being excited, right? ;)

Have you had a problem with your weight? What has worked/not worked for you? How do you cope with it? How does it make you feel?

Please respond. I would love to hear from you. :)

Noticed

2011-03-09T20:28:00.000-06:00

"I pity the fool that falls in love with you..."

This will hopefully be a good month. I got a bunch of ducks lined up in a row... I guess that means I need to get out my pistol then... isn't that how I win the giant ass panda?

I get to see some friends, some boys, hear some good live music... I am looking forward to most of it. :) There will be a few things and key ingredients missing from the festivities, but... I'll manage.

Tomorrow I'm going out to buy a pair of heels.

Very specific reasoning, but I actually haven't worn heels in nearly 2 years. Why am I changing that now? I just bought a corset and the way that I first want to wear it didn't seem very "Converse".

I used to live in heels... I've gone back and forth about them for many, many years. The reason I stopped wearing them was because I was self-conscious of my height. (It makes me feel... weird... to be taller than some men...) I went through a period where that didn't matter to me and I lived in them. I used to go to the grocery store in them... everything.. all the time.

When I moved from Kansas City I took three pairs of shoes with me. I'm a simple girl now... but Micky bought me a dress for Christmas, one that requires heels and then I started looking for new ones again... so now that I'm going heels shopping tomorrow I'll be able to have more options from my closet. :)

A bit of travel at the end of this month. First Austin in like, 12 days to go see Mechanical People... turn around and come back to Houston and then turn around and go back to Austin for the SBL show on the 26th. From there we're going to Dallas to see Mechanical People again...

That's the one I'm looking forward to... even though it'll be another "goodbye" until I see those boys again at the beginning of May, I'm excited to see my step mom.

I haven't seen my step mom since... maybe July of last year...? If my memory serves me right. I only saw my dad once or so last year... meanwhile... don't make me put the number of times I saw my boys up. That would be bad.

What's terrible is that I keep in correspondence with those boys better than I do with my family. I feel guilty about it sometimes... but then... it's a two way street.

My step mom did seem excited about my book, though... that makes me very happy. I'm excited to receive it. Should be another week. I heard that they're being "processed and printed" right now.

Maybe tomorrow I can also look into getting my new tattoo... :) That could be fun. I have to find a new place here in Houston for ink. I hate finding new places... unfortunately, none of my Houston friends have tattoos. :-/

I'm trying to talk my step mom into coming to the Dallas show. That could be a lot of fun for us. I tried to explain Mechanical People to her... "it's got two people from the Stevedores in it... you remember the Stevedores, right? That one CD I gave you? Yeah. It's got their drummer and guitarist in it. It's amazing. You'll love them."

April will be good... but y'all don't want to hear about that.

May. Lord... here we go again. My plans are already starting to overlap. So... yay...? At least I'll be busy. May until... who knows when... The rest of my year is stuffed full of plans...

I'm ready to get moving, but so many things are holding me back.

Pop Into My Head

2011-03-07T14:09:00.000-06:00

"Time heals the wounds but then there's still a scar."

It's been a busy bit of time for me lately, so I apologize for the lack in update. Isn't that stupid that I feel I must apologize to my blog for lack of update? Yeah, that's dumb.

In the time from last we've spoken I made a book. (Read about it here: www.jodieplatzphotography.com - I'm a dot com now!!!!)

I just actually released it to the printers today and I should have my copies ready to autograph and ship out by next week. This book was an amazing and heartfelt process - however, the purchase part really threw me for a loop.

I've said time and time again that I don't want to be friends with people who only care about me for the art that I create - to that I had friends that told me they don't "care" about the art I create, that they love *me*... to that I felt... well... loved. :) That was the point, right?

Except my book was released and no one I talk to on a daily basis (or even weekly basis) bought one. Now, just because you're my friend doesn't make that an obligation by any means. It just kind of shocked me that NONE of them bought one. (And only one or two of them even said "congrats" or "I'm proud of you".) It's really making me question some things.

You know what? I'm not going to bitch here or start anything... that's not the point of this. I am so very HAPPY that fans and strangers bought my book!! These are people who don't have any knowledge of what I'm like behind closed doors and yet they want to own a piece of me... that's absolutely amazing and I am so entirely grateful for each and every sale that I made.

Speaking of sales, I want everyone to know that this book was not made so I could turn a profit. It was made because I loved it and I felt like it was a good time to release it and share it with the world. I wanted something hard and concrete to hand my fans of my photography. Something to warm your coffee table. ;) I honestly made an embarrassingly small amount off the book.

For me, art has never been about money. Would I like to make a profit off of what I'm good at creatively? Yes. I would appreciate that. However, I feel so guilty taking money from people when I feel so good about doing it.

I need to perhaps change that, though... just thinking aloud here... don't mind me.

My desktop countdown tells me its 15 days until I see The Bens again. :) This makes me super happy. [censored message about ATX SBL just a few days after that...] and then we're going to Dallas to see Mechanical People again. I can't wait to see Jake! :)

...speaking of Mechanical People... I ordered their CD set and I think they may have gotten smashed and went to Canada and forgot to send it. (I say that precisely as the mail man pulls up... hah!)

I've been listening to a lot of Frank Sinatra lately. <3

I hope to get a new camera here in a month or so...

...also need a new computer...

There's not enough money in the world. Seriously. :-/ Another reason I should start charging for my services.

Mail trucks look so disorganized... but somehow they usually deliver all the mail... heh.

Easily Influenced: A Series Of Confessions

2011-02-21T09:47:00.000-06:00

I've always been a quitter. Unless I wanted something more than anything... then I have a history of never stopping until I get what I want.

I have only child syndrome. I'm not great at sharing. I was never considered "spoiled" as a kid (we didn't grow up with tons of money, but I didn't go without...) but I had more than my fair share of toys and belongings. I get bored easily and I'm quite bossy at times.

There's a lot of things that I wish I could have had growing up. Most of them are not material. The only toy that I can think of that I wanted so badly but I never got was one of those Barbie 4x4 cars that you actually drive. I wished for one for so many years... I wished on stars, I wished on birthday candles... nothing. It never came. I'm probably better off with the bike that my parents bought me. I was a thin and active child and for that, I am grateful.

I quit dance and now I can't remember why. I actually quit dance twice... I quit acting. I quit band. I quit calling my parents. I quit high school. I quit my singing career. I quit my boyfriends. I quit my jobs.

Now, it's not that I'm the girl that quits as soon as things get hard - quite the opposite in fact. I'm the girl that quits when I've had "enough" or when I'm bored. I work very hard to get the things that I want... unfortunately I just don't have the attention span to reap the benefits for said hard work.

Now, to go back up there... my singing career? I was manipulated into quitting that. Here's a horrible place to tell you that I am easily influenced. But, at least now I *realize* that.

So, now there's so many people (most of them strangers) trying to get me to quit things... (*shifty eyes*) and I realize that I am easily influenced. I realize that they all have valid key points... but... we're missing the most important key point! The keyest of all points... the creme de le point!

IT MAKES ME HAPPY.

Why do so many people take an interest in my life? I'll never know. I actually don't care to know. I don't mind that people take an interest in my life... it makes me feel wanted and needed. Even if I just provide laughter (as they're laughing at me...) or quips... even if I just give them something to talk about and gossip about with their friends... or if they actually like me and they're genuinely interested in what I say... if I inspire someone to pick up a camera and take a photo or if I help them in their personal life by them relating to something that I've said --- I like it.

I don't understand it. It's weird and entirely new ground and I don't mind it. How's that for a confession? But, I've had a great friend able to help me through the process of this... They've offered many words of wisdom. (Most of them humorous.)

So, while I am still happy doing what I do - I will continue to do it. Others may (hell, probably will) try to convince me to stop doing what makes me happy - but those people clearly don't know me. (*See yesterday's blog entry...)

Another thing about me... I have ADD. That's a reason why I have quit so many things... I get bored. Burnt out. Tired. Over it... and, that always happens sooner or later. So... if you're one of the people trying to get me to quit something - just have a little patience, will ya?

Life Under Water: A Series Of Confessions

2011-02-20T17:15:00.001-06:00

My life has a perfectly timed and always accurate running commentary. My evenly placed (and not so evenly placed) breaths; my evenly beating (and not so evenly beating) heart. Every bone that cracks, every itch of my skin, every single droning thought in my overstuffed and unorganized head...

All the commentary and soundtrack for me.

There are times that I want to slip under water... to go completely under. Drowning is not drowning at all; it's suffocating. Your body will not actually allow you to inhale much water... however, you don't receive air and therefore, you suffocate. Which, can be quite pleasant... much like slipping away. As your head goes under water and it fills up more of your face, slowly inching closer to your eyes and turning off your peripheral vision... something like that, I'd imagine. Slowly everything just fades to black.

There is always something that keeps us alive. For some it is religion. Whether that may mean they have faith that their "God" has put purpose in them or if they merely believe that to take their life would be a sin - it's keeping them alive. For some it is love. May it be they are so entirely loved that nothing is missing from their life or perhaps they have the drive to keep searching for what will fill them up completely; believing that it is love. For me I say, "it's not the right time..."

I find little mundane things to live for each day. Today it was one friend. Today it was Frank Sinatra and the way my pillows look when they're tear stained. Some days it's my best friend. Some days it's my boys. Some days it's nothing.

Some people are out of things to live for. While some would consider suicide a "thoughtless" or "selfless" act... to those I say you're both right and wrong. If I lost someone close to me from suicide and someone said "she was selfish... what about... what about...?" I'd say, "then you must not have known her so well. You didn't take the time to see just what she was going through." For those who have children and responsibilities... THOSE things should be your reasons to live... for those who aren't fortunate enough to have those luxuries - I would not consider your suicide selfish.

Sure, it is selfish... but isn't that what it's about? Your suicide is about you. You aren't killing. You are ending your pain and misery.

I have been in pain and misery for the majority of my 26 years having never really had many moments that I would call "happy". ...With one exception. (There's always an exception to the rule...)

2010.

2010 was the first year that I did not attempt suicide since I was 18.

That is not a fact that I have shared with many - and now I have shared it with all. I figure that I have this public platform to reach people on - I may as well utilize it.

I have been told a few times by people who read this that "we have a lot in common...", I hope that you can empathize with me on this entry. I know that times are hard, that life sucks more than it rocks, I know that each day when you wake up you have to face everything all over again and I know what it's like to count the hours in the day... to you, I want to say that if you can just find something to live for TODAY, you can make it through.

For those who have never felt this way, consider yourself blessed. Understand that it's not something people can turn on and off... understand that sometimes it's just something that people are born with... understand that by you reaching out to your friend who never reaches out to you that you could be saving their life that day. You are needed and wanted... but, it's so hard to say "help me".

I am unsure about a lot of things in my life right now, but I do know one thing for certain: I love my art. For that I stay alive... and I love the support that I am given. Right now I have a lot to be thankful for and I hope that 2011 will be as great as 2010.

As always, thank you to those who take the time to read this. Pixie Stix and Diet Coke's to those who comment.

*EDIT* You know what else keeps me going? Perfectly timed emails from my favorite people on the planet.

Happy Birthday, Ben! @100MonkeysMusic

2011-02-07T12:52:00.000-06:00

Birthdays are a very important thing where I come from (planet earth), and I am all about making them special, unique and the best that they can be for my friends and people I care about. So, on this most holy of days I hope that you are happy and relaxed as I say...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BEN!

My wish for you today is that you spend it with those who matter most to you, that your beer never runs empty and that this birthday be one that you remember for always. 25 is a big deal... quarter of a century... You're like, an adult and stuff. Or something.

Keeping with the tradition of my birthday posts for y'all - here are five of my favorite photos of you that I've taken...

I remember the reaction when we figured out just how to work the guitar shirt... That was pretty awesome! I loved that entire day.

My favorite photo of you from the winter tour... from Mission, Texas.

One of my favorite photo of you from the summer tour from San Francisco.

Happy birthday, Ben... I sincerely wish you all the best. Eat some cake. Drink some beer. Have a good time and good show tonight -- Love you!

xx

Still Lost

2011-01-28T09:53:00.000-06:00

"Oh shame on myself; I don't know how I got so tangled up..."

I guess I'm sort of forcing this blog, to be honest. I'm insanely bored. It's 909a and I've been up since 530a. Why? Lord knows, but I just know that the sun was not up at that hour. I'm going to need coffee later. Yes.

I must endure the post office today. I am dreading...

I've been to the Galleria mall here in Houston twice now (going for the third time today... I believe Jennifer has secured a job or two at the mall...) and MAN. That's an intimidating place! Versace, Louis Vuitton, Jimmy Choo, Valentino... this list goes on and on... and then there's the department stores. Neiman Marcus, Macy's, Saks and Nordstom... Jesus. (There's also a Dillard's, but really, who is going to count that?)

This place is ridiculous. Seriously. Ridic.

I finally "got around" to buying the Wandering Mind single from 100 Monkeys... I absolutely love this song live so much... so much so that I don't think I much care for the mp3. That's unfortunate. It still won't stop me from blasting it all the way down Westheimer today. :)

I had so much that I wanted to say and it's just not happening... So... nevermind.

Title Me

2011-01-24T22:03:00.000-06:00

"I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes

Are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned..."

I have been thinking far too much lately. It all revolves around the same thoughts, they're just meshed and married together in a very incestuous way that at times makes me shiver and shake...

Of course then there's the times that I actually have a good positive thought or two. Mostly, I suppose those are just the memories that flood me from time to time.

I've been meticulously watching the price on the new camera that I want... shopping around from place to place and basically stalking it. That's actually perhaps my favorite part about buying a new camera -- stalking it.

I've been thinking about all the new art that I want to create. I need to find models. *ponders where the fuck I should find models*

We're going to Baton Rouge for Jenn's birthday... it's actually quite a coincidence that we're going to see a few boys while we're out there. I'm quite pleased for that, of course. There are hugs that must be given.

I have a premonition about my death today. (Hello worst segway ever.) It was... interesting... I believe I avoided the death, however. Phew...

Picture of zee day:

I found this on a photo blog and the artist was uncredited... but, I want to say that this photo absolutely captured me... from behind the leaves it looks as though you're peeking in on this lovers tryst. I love it... and I so want to do that in a park. ;)

xx

Trash Me

2011-01-22T17:20:00.000-06:00

...everything is disposable... but, not people.

For those of you who know me or actually read my blog, you know that I am a far more sensitive person than people will ever see or realize.

There's a giant gap of miscommunication here and no matter what I say (or don't say) it will never be cleared up. People make their opinions and they stand by them. So, while it's hard for me to realize that I am now a "public figure" and people are going to talk, gossip and make up shit about me... it's hard for others to realize that just because I am a "public figure" now that doesn't mean that I stopped being a human.

I do not regret. I wished and it came true. Be careful what you wish for.

For those who do support me and my photography; my art; my career - to you I will hold a place deep inside my heart for the rest of my life. You are far more appreciated than you will ever realize and I truly do love you. Thank you.

I have surrounded myself with good people that I can rely on for words or wisdom and support. These people mean everything to me and they keep me happy, focused and alive (in every sense of the word).

I didn't write this, but it's something that has touched me for a very long time. It was written by model Gia and I've always been drawn to it for no specific reason, now I see just how true it rings for my life.

Life and death, energy and peace...

If I stopped today, it was still worth it.

Even the terrible mistakes that I made and would have unmade if I could...

The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul... it was worth it.

For having been allowed to walk where I've walked...

Which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it, and above...

Picture of the day:

You're One Of Us

2011-01-21T15:23:00.000-06:00

"All that I need is the air that I breathe,

And all that I need are things I don't need,

And all that really matters is what matters to me..."

Lyrics of the day by Blind Melon and could not be more true. Think about that for a while. Put it in your juice box and suck it.

This is a blog that I've been meaning to write since the very beginning of the year... and since I do not have my cheat sheet piece of paper, I hope that I can remember it all.

I documented each place that I traveled in 2010 and was pretty astounded. I believe there was only one month out of the year that I didn't travel: May. And you know what? Fuck May.

January: Tulsa, Las Vegas.
February: LA.
March: Des Moines, STL, Louisville.
April: Nashville, Birmingham, Memphis, Little Rock, Dallas.
June: Seattle.
July: LA, Scottsdale, Las Vegas, San Diego, San Francisco.
August: Detroit.
October: Baton Rouge.
November: Baton Rouge (Several times.)
December: Baton Rouge, Atlanta, Birmingham, New Orleans, Houston, Dallas, Austin...

(And then of course at the beginning of my 2011 tally for cities traveled is Mission and San Antonio...)

Looks like I also didn't go anywhere in September, which makes sense because that's when I moved from Kansas City.

I definitely love to travel. I honestly wouldn't trade this life for anything in the whole wide world. No amount of money... no amount of bribery... there's honestly only one thing that will ever get me to stop and I will never say it out loud.

Picture of the day:

The Camera's Lying

2011-01-15T10:46:00.000-06:00

"You can't turn back because this road is all you'll ever have..."

I refuse to count how many days it's been since tour ended. I don't think it would help me to know. Fortunately, I've been keeping myself very busy booking massive photoshoots (WIN!) and trying to get prints and proofs sent off to those who had photoshoots with me on tour, have ordered or won prints. Busy, busy.

It's only January and I'm already crunching about summer. That's all I can say about that.

Netflix did the worst possible thing to me: they uploaded ALL of Desperate Housewives on watch instantly. Bastards.

There's so much to do and not enough credit or cash to do it all. I assume this is a problem for most people in America. As you may (or may not) know, The Rockvan just did it's last tour. We must buy a new car (by car I mean something big enough to tour in...) before we hit the road with the boys again. Also, I need a new camera... also, I need to get my weight in check before touring again... also... also... also... the list will never end and can only grow. There's never going to be enough time, money or space to fit everything in. Plus, I'm not a very organized person.

So... then there's that.

I got my photo taken recently. I haven't modeled since 2007 and I forgot my biggest flaw about me being in front of the camera: I always forget to breathe.

I do think that part of what makes me a decent photographer is that I have worked as a model, therefore, I know what it's like to have that lens in your face snapping up your soul and all of your flaws. Now, I'll remember to tell my models to breathe.

I've been characteristically depressed for the past few days. I don't expect anyone to understand and I am not saying that no one out there understands. But, to each person I have told that I am depressed they answered back with the worst response ever; "why?"

Why?

Why?

Why? Because I have a chemical imbalance, that's why. Why? Because I left my heart in San Antonio. Why? Because I have three men in my life when all I want is the one. Why? Because that's more complicated than anyone will ever realize. Why? Because. I. Am.

Instead of asking me why... instead of assuming because I am successful that that should equal happiness... instead of judging me... how about if I open myself up to you, you simply say, "I am listening."

Photo of the Day:

Jay with Bella. ATL. December 26. He adores her. I adore that about him. :)

Another One Bites The Dust

2011-01-06T20:09:00.001-06:00

"As we're driving out of Austin, I can still smell your perfume,

I contemplate turning around every inch or two,

My vision's kind of hazy, I don't look well at all,

I don't believe I've ever felt so small,

You come over to say hello in the brightest of the lights,

I'm so impressed; you look your best, without an ounce of trying,

I make light of a picture, and you're leaving with your friends

And I've no doubt I'll never see you again,

You may deceive me, but you made me try to make believe in

That there's something more we can't ignore but nothing we can do..."

Thank you so much to all of the incredible people that I met along the way this tour. It was by far the best one that I have been to yet. Unfortunately it passed all too fast and it kicked my ass harder than any of the other tours that I've been on.

We all started to get sick about half way through the tour and waking up the morning after New Years Eve was hard. However, for all the fun that I had on New Years Eve it was more than worth it. ;)

Here's a few photos from the week -- I am only edited up until NOLA...

ATLANTA:

BIRMINGHAM:

NEW ORLEANS:

DALLAS:

AUSTIN:

Mission... I got some great photos from Mission... none of which are edited yet.

SAN ANTONIO:

I will post the rest of the photos once I've got them edited. ;)

At the end of the week -- if you look at the ATL meet and greet at the beginning of the week and the San Antonio meet and greet at the end of the week photo -- I lost 15lbs over the course of the tour.

I told my Mama all about the week and she says I need a new camera. I'm with what she says so now I'm camera shopping. :) I've got it narrowed down to three... of course, I don't think I can afford the one that I want -- the Canon 5D. *drools*

I am now taking donations for a new camera. Hah! *Kidding*

I am so thankful for everyone that I met along the road this tour. Thank you for supporting the boys, thank you for buying their concert tickets and tee shirts, thank you for screaming your asses off.

To the boys: I love each and every one of you. Thank you for all you've done for me. Your friendship, hugs, songs, lighter pops and blows, photos and high fives are so precious to me and I appreciate each one.

Until next time.

xx

Happy Birthday, Jay! @100MonkeysMusic

2010-12-21T12:54:00.000-06:00

20 days later and you've finally caught up with me... (I actually think that it's really freaking cool that we were born literally 20 days from each other.)

There was something that I always wondered about other December babies: do people try to combine gifts for you between your birthday and Christmas? My mother was born ON Christmas and people do that for her, but I have always been very meticulous about giving her separate birthday presents and Christmas presents... and so you can expect the same thing from me when I see you next. ;)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JAY!

Here's to hoping that 26 can be as kick-ass as 25 was. Choose carefully what your wish is when you blow out your birthday candles because you remember what they say about wishes...

My birthday wish for you is that you spend today with people that you love, you are never short on whiskey or beer and that you can smile from being genuinely happy.

In honor of your day here's a few of my favorite photos that I've taken of you. (Cheesy, I know, but it's an excuse to post some photos... Hah!)

The last two have more sentimental value than they are great photographs... But, I can't help but adore them.

Happy birthday, Jay... I know that it'll be special. See you soon... in a mere five days.

Love,

Jodie

Again, Again... Tour Is Coming.

2010-12-17T16:26:00.000-06:00

"You got a lot, a lot of nerve,

Coming here,

When I'm still with him

And I can't have you,

It isn't fair..."

Nine days until tour starts... this will be the third full week that I've been on tour with the boys. I'm already dreading the goodbye. It's never pleasant... I guess I'll get to that when I get to that.

Moving on... I believe that I'm nearing my 33rd show when we get to Atlanta, which means that the last date of tour, San Antonio, will be my 40th show. Funny how things work out like that, isn't it?

I have a few photoshoots scheduled for the tour stops as well... which, I'm stoked for! I can't wait to change it up a bit with the Monkey photos. It'll be nice to shoot something other than them while on tour.

For those not in the know, on the Houston date Jennifer and I will officially be considering Houston our home. Dropping our things off at the new place we'll be staying at and then heading to the show... Finally... Finally I am moving to Texas.

And then there's New Years... I am half looking forward to it, half dreading it and wishing that it didn't exist... only for reasons I can't really talk about... the crap that's in my head... but one thing that will be a plus from the day is that it's me and Jennifer's 11th friendaversary. 11 years she will have put up with my bullshit. Can you believe it? Let's get drunk.

My Least Favorite Things About Tour, by Jodie Platz

-Fangirls and Twihards that are aggressive.
-People who are nice to your face who talk behind your back. (I like consistency.)
-Line jumpers.
-People who hold spots all day long for their ten friends.
-People who scream when the cars pull up... or for this tours case: bus.
-People who molest the band.
-People who scream "JASSSSSSPERRRRRR!!!"
-People who bang on their windows and force me to put myself between them and the band...
-When there's nowhere around the venue to pee.
-When there are four opening acts and they all suck.
-When I get lost and can't find the venue... Oh wait, Micky has a Tom Tom! Wheeee!!
-Being hungry but feeling so anxious I can't eat.
-Sweating my makeup off.
-People who try to get in front of me by using the line, "I'm a photographer..." *shifty eyes, deadpan*
-Saying goodbye.

My Most Favorite Things About Tour, by Jodie Platz

-Seeing people's face light up when they see the band for the first time.
-Seeing people get converted from TwiHards to Monkey Junkies. (No matter how much I hate the word "Monkey Junkie" and no matter how much I DO NOT consider myself one...)
-Being on the road constantly.
-Rest stops/truck stops.
-Sleeping in the van while it's driving... peaceful.
-CHIPS!
-Taking the roaddog along for the ride.
-A new city every day.
-Getting dressed in the van and not giving a shit if the creeper two cars over is stealing a peek.
-The moment the boys take the stage.
-Being as drenched with sweat as they are because everything they're giving I'm giving back to them.
-High fives.
-Getting the venue before the band and helping them know where to park/eat/shop.
-The rush I get when my improv is chosen.
-Interaction.
-Seeing new venues.
-Being dubbed a "road warrior" because I'm hardcore and don't get hotels each night. (RARELY get hotels... ever. Maybe one night each tour.)
-Saying goodbye...

Yes, saying goodbye is on both lists... because while saying it is so hard, not saying it is even harder and I've always been masochistic... but... those goodbye hugs are better than any hugs in the world. They're perfect enough to try to make it last until the next time around.

Picture of the Day:

Blood On The Walls

2010-12-05T17:57:00.000-06:00

Like a kitten purring during a Christmas day massacre,

Sitting there soft and touchable,

The world unfolding and bleeding around you,

We all must maintain our appearances to survive,

But there will always be the impending doom,

Waiting in the wings for you to notice it,

Just when you think it's disappeared from your line of view,

It'll snap right out and take you.

The Space

2010-11-19T00:56:00.000-06:00

From one side of the room to the other,

I estimate the number of steps,

I contemplate the things to say;

Moisture upon my lips.

I fight the urge to run to you,

But I have to make myself move my legs,

Our eyes dart back and forth

As you slowly mouth my name,

I never cared much for what I've been called,

But to hear it from anyone else won't sound the same,

The air is thick and tight as the walls they slowly cave,

Three people or two hundred,

Doesn't matter, it's all the same,

When the space between us closes,

And I'm finally home again.

Wicked Little Things

2010-11-14T00:47:00.000-06:00

"Now that we're all fat and happy,

We'll be made into pies..."

I had a bad day today. I'm frustrated with entirely too much and it's all building up in me. Of course, I can't actually say what's really bothering me for fear that those who it affects will read it. It's not something that should be brought to their attention via blog, you know? I owe them more than that.

Regardless, when I'm out of control, I fight to control what I can in my life. Today it was an X-Acto knife, antihistamines and Miller Light. Those are three things that I can control in my life. So I controlled them.

Those that know me know that Benedryl knocks me the fuck out. So a few of those + the 2 beers I had and I was passed out within an hour or so... slept like a rock while Twister played in the background. It was a good sleep. I needed it.

Upon waking everything is still the same, however. I haven't said the things to the people that I need to, but it did make me feel better to temporarily put the world on hold.

Control is a funny thing. There are some areas in my life where I absolutely must have control... There are some things that I know I'll never get control over... There are some things that I don't even want control over... It's crazy - the lines are blurred on where all of those things stand.

I can only hope that tomorrow is a better day... but then again - tomorrow is already a better day because it's finally the 14th... :)

Photo of the day:

Say No More

2010-11-12T18:39:00.000-06:00

"Surrounded by familiar faces with no names,

None of them know me or want to share my pain,

They only wish to bask in my light then fade away,

To win my love, to them a game,

To watch me live my life in vain,

When all is done and the glitter fades away..."

My blog "Situational Friendship" was quite popular. I got 7 comments, which is pretty high for me (sadly), thus I can't even imagine how many people read it. I don't have a counter on my blog or I'd be obsessed with it. I also don't have a tracker on my blog, or I'd be obsessed with it...

Regardless...

Most of the comments were positive and supportive... understanding...

However there was one anonymous comment that I wanted to respond to on here.

Comment: First of all, I'm not spamming nor am I trolling your blog. You don't know me from the next person in a crowded place, but I have been in your presence a few times. And for what it's worth, I've made an attempt to befriend you. Not because I'm interested in who you know and how you know them, but because I try my best to treat people the way I'd like to be treated.

You have a very large wall put up. And from behind that wall you tend to throw harsh words and criticisms to people who may not feel the same way you do about things. It seems to me that you isolate yourself away from other people because of the people you know - but how can you possibly know if that's what people want from you if you don't give them a chance?

Some people are fucking ignorant, I have no doubt in my mind. And the others? The genuine people who'd like to know the person behind the camera? Well, some of them are a bit put off, I won't lie. At the end of the day, no one is better than anyone - we're all people with fears, hopes, dreams and trust issues.

Micky immediately responded (without prompting from me) and said: To Anonymous:

I think what you said was nicely put...and for that maturity, I commend you.

When I first met Jodie, I had heard all of the stories before about supposed attitude, or "nasty looks" from her.

However, I walked right up to her, drunkenly threw my arm around her, and said, "I want you to sing a song with me!"

It was instant. It was genuine. And neither one of us batted an eyelash.

I'm not one to listen to people's opinions and just believe them...but yes, some people are put off by Jodie. Just as most people are put off by me.

They see confidence and confuse it with cockiness. They see insecurity and confuse it with attention-seeking. They see talent and they confuse it with entitlement. They see kindness and confuse it with weakness.

I don't really know why everyone has insisted that it's so difficult to befriend Jodie...it really isn't.

Genuine intentions speak volumes, and so do ingenuous intentions.

Maybe we should all just not come at each other with preconceived notions...and just wipe the slate clean.

It was very nicely put and mature. I really appreciate the fact that this person was able to stay level headed and not just bash me or use their "adult words" because I have seemingly overlooked them.

To this anonymous person I say -- for starters, I apologize to you that I have made you feel anything less than special. Yes, I do have a very large wall built -- and it's been put there for a reason. I was once a naive and over-trusting person and that landed me nowhere. It landed me in bad situations and bad situational friendships. It landed me in places where my so-called-friends used me for everything that they thought that I was worth and then they tossed me aside. So now that you know that, perhaps you can understand that wall and why it's there.

It's there from previous years before Monkeys and it's there because of the few "bad apples" I've met because of Monkeys. Some people are great actors -- some people will say and do anything to get you to trust them and then they fuck you over and you're the idiot standing there robbed saying, "I should have known better"... I know that this is not all people - but it's happened to me more times than I care to share, and unfortunately, the wall grows higher and then the good people with genuine intentions are forced to scale it. For some it's easy... others give up.

Like Micky said - it's not impossible to get around. There isn't an application to be my friend... there isn't someone better suited for the position than not, it's mostly just trust. If you trust me and I trust you -- then there it is. Honesty, I believe is the best way to get that across.

I actually had no idea that I had a reputation as... whatever it is that my reputation is. Honestly, I am a very insecure person - honestly, I feign most of my confidence, but in feigning it I feel like it *actually* gives me some. I tend to hide behind my camera and that wall that I've built, but you know what? In that instant that Micky threw her drunken arm around me, both of our walls vanished because there were no ego's, there were no ulterior motives... there was just honesty and yes, we both were in a vulnerable position at that moment. She could have used me and I could have used her... but because we're both honest and good people, thankfully we have a lifelong REAL friendship that blossomed out of that.

I am more than apt to giving people chances, and I'd be more than happy to get to know you if you choose to unveil yourself. (Privately, of course.)

Please don't think I overlooked any part of your comment -- if I have, please let me know and I'd be happy to address any of it. I am not ashamed of it or anything that you have to say.

Yes, I do isolate myself and like I mentioned, I hide behind my camera and that big huge wall... but hopefully now you're able to see the reasons *why* I do those things...

And another thing... you can't always believe everything that you hear. I've had 2 people who were "brave enough" to befriend me after they heard... whatever it was that they heard... and they happily dispelled other rumors to their friends. Of course, both of those people were people that I had heard things about as well... and you know, in such a tight, close knit circle, it's hard not to believe the shit that people say about other people. But... the rumors about those two people were not true on my end either.

I'm more than happy to give people chances. Honestly. Most of them just never give me the chance to...

Of all the times that people have said that I've hurt their feelings I've more than apologized. If you knew me then you would know that I cannot stand the thought of hurting people's feelings. I don't tend to come out and say exactly what I mean for fear that people won't like what it is that I have to say...

I really wish those who didn't like me knew how much time I spend thinking about why people don't like me. How much it hurts me when people talk behind my back, make up lies, exaggerate stories of encounters, make me out to be this monster... Then again I wish that it were enough for me to just be happy that I have the love and trust of those that I do...

I'm a very conflicted person. I over think everything and Anonymous person, I've done nothing but think of your comment since I read it. That's how much you have affected me. That's how much I worry about being liked.

If you choose to come to me privately, we can talk. If not... then please know that I did try. If I can give you a reason for why I haven't befriended you sooner, than I will -- an honest reason.

I'm not good at this, you know... I don't have someone out there who can create an image for me. I can't be the "typical" Sagittarius and just say what I think and do what I want without any apologies. I apologize too much, for that, I am sorry. (That was a mini-joke... get it...)

I've tried to add all friend requests on Facebook, trying to get to know people more -- but then no one new ever talks to me... they just sit there and I'm confused on who they are when I look at my friends list. So then I went through and deleted all of those people who never talked to me and utilized their medium in order to be my friend. I felt bad and guilty for it... See that! I felt bad for deleting people that never talked to me.

Now, this comment has me all wrapped up in people not thinking that I have a heart or something. I honestly don't know what to do... I honestly don't know what I want. Yes, I want friends. But no, I don't just want to be your friend because we like the same band. Then what? Then we're just going to sit there and talk about the damn band all the time. I can't stand that. I can't stand when I post a Facebook status and EVERYTHING must be related back to Monkeys. God, I love them... I love them with every cell in my body, I do... but I don't want to only talk about them. I'll go crazy.

So sure, we meet at a Monkey's concert or something and you introduce yourself to me... that's amazing... let's talk about the band for a second... (it's the obvious of what we have in common...) sure, let's exchange information or whatever... but then, I'd like to get to know YOU and I would hope you want to get to know ME. Because if you're basing everything you know about me off of 100 Monkeys then you are missing so fucking much.

Photo of the day:

When I Grow Up...

2010-11-11T00:37:00.000-06:00

Second blog for the day. I may as well do it if the urge strikes me, right? (That's what she said.)

I can't remember all the things that I wanted to be when I was a kid. I can't remember my dreams of wanting to be a flight attendant, teacher or a princess.

I remember in kindergarten that choir was mandatory and I was the only girl in class that looked forward to it. I remember hearing Whitney Houston's Bodygaurd soundtrack and I remember singing right into the speaker, emulating her... aching to do that... sing.

I didn't realize that it could actually be a career -- that you could potentially make your living off of singing. But from then on all I ever wanted to do was sing.

Around the time I was seven or so I started modeling. As I've mentioned before, my mother is a photographer and so it was a simple transition/decision.

Of course, as I've mentioned before on other blogs and mediums, I wish that when I was that age that someone would have encouraged a healthy lifestyle for me. I wish that they would have told me just because I was the tallest girl in the class didn't mean that I was fat. Everyone in school called me fat... and thus, I became what it was that they saw of me.

If I could have made it through my teenage years without being fat then I could have continued with a successful modeling career... but... everything happens for a reason, right?

Now... I'm behind the camera versus in front of it.

Photography wasn't one of the things that I dreamed of doing when I was a child... but I suppose we rarely get our dreams. I did however, have a short lived music career and now I'm happy to be in a band with my best friend Micky called The Oh Noz!, it makes me so happy to be getting musically creative again. They say that a photo is worth a thousand words, but I think where you can't get something across in photography you can get across in music and vice versa.

What was it that you wanted to be as a child? What stopped you? Why aren't you going for your dreams now?

Situational Friendship

2010-11-10T21:56:00.000-06:00

"You take your cigarettes ultra light,

I like to take them straight,

You always feel so blue...

I always feel great."

My mother is very smart. She's taught me many things. She taught me all about photography... (she's an incredible artist herself...)

I mimicked one of her iconic photographs earlier this year, actually.

Mama's original:

My take:

The difference here is that her's is amazing and mine is completely mediocre. At least I am a good enough artist to realize this. My favorite part of hers is everything - my favorite part of mine is the billow of smoke.

Regardless -- she's taught me about photography... she's taught me words that I live by, a quote by Jen Platz: "You never know when you will be reduced to camping." Take that one with you kids, she's amazing.

Amongst her amazing and inspiring art and words she's taught me about something she calls "situational friendship."

I was bitching to her about 2 months ago that people didn't care about ME... that they didn't want to know ME - they wanted to know who I knew, what I knew or my photos. (I had said, once upon a time, that I wanted people to give me attention -- I will reiterate this, kids: BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR.)

My Mama told me to stop bitching. She said that I was making myself out to be a victim here and while it is unfortunate that more people don't take the time to get to know ME, that I shouldn't write everyone off just because of it.

There are those people out there that we call "situational friends". I am your friend because we know the same people, travel in the same circle, because we have something to gain from each other -- we aren't USING each other... because you can benefit from me and I can benefit from you -- we are friends... just not the lasting kind.

It's like any other "normal" job - you're friends with the person the next cubical over because it's easier to be friendly than to keep to yourself... it's easy because you have that built in person that you can talk to at the water cooler and you know that someone is always there having your back. This person isn't going to be your friend when you get laid off from your job two years down the line -- but it was nice to have them there while they lasted.

My Mama is going to school to be a nurse (she's a Jack of all trades, if you will...) she said that she became friends with the girl who sits next to her in class because they can trade notes and they'll have each others back if one of them has to miss a class... my Mama = smart woman.

Now I don't take it so personally when it's a give and take kind of friendship that approaches me. Perhaps we both can gain from each other in this situational friendship...

However...

It wouldn't hurt to have a few more ACTUAL friends out there who will have my back when I fall and skin my knees... most situational friends tend to flee at the first sign of trouble. (Scroll back up there and re-read that getting laid off part... yeah.)

I said on Twitter a few weeks ago that I was lonely... a follower replied back with "why are you lonely? You're awesomesauce and super talented. How is it possible for you not to be surrounded by people?" That comment really stuck with me. I had to favorite it even though it was so sad. While the compliments inside the note were sweet and I took them to heart -- it's amazing that people don't understand. I love them all... I love each and every person that follows me, I love each and every person that's ever saved one of my photos on their computer or fanned my Facebook page... I really, really, honestly and genuinely love them all with every inch of my heart --- but I'm so lonely.

I'm so lonely because I don't know who I can trust. I'm so lonely because I don't have anyone that I can tell my secrets to. I'm so lonely because no one will listen. I'm so lonely because no one sees me... or takes the time to see me... or takes the time to get to know me.

Yes, there are exceptions to the rule and believe me, I know those who I can count on in a real situation. So... no angry texts from the few I can count on my hand that will argue with me about what I've just said. But, most of those people have lives... wait. Actually, all of those people have lives... all of those people don't live here with me.

And then there's the others that say how much I can come to them... how they love ME for ME yet they only come around when I'm going to a show or I post new photos. Do you know how many people comment or "like" my photography outside of 100 Monkeys? Like... 2 people. I wonder if people even look at it.

You know, my last post I said that I was speaking to the whole four of you that read it and I was surprised that I got a few comments -- I know there's those out there who read but don't comment... I appreciate all of you too...

This was just something I wanted to talk about for a while -- not bitching about the life that I have made for myself - I honestly wouldn't trade it for anything... and perhaps it's better that I have the close friends that I do - most of them are artists and can understand the artists life. It's good to have those ears to listen to me and those shoulders to lean on when I need them.

I love all my friends... situational or not. :)

Photo of the day:

Photo of the Bay Bridge that I took in San Francisco. Reminds me of my mama.

One Amazing Year

2010-11-07T12:46:00.000-06:00

I'm about to get sentimental on you...

One year ago today was the first time I ever met Jackson.

Now, for so many of my friends (including my best friend Jennifer) today marks the first time that they ever saw 100 Monkeys live. I had already seen 100 Monkeys twice in August, however, Jackson wasn't there for those shows -- thus, November 7, 2009 was the first time that I ever met Jackson and the first time that I ever saw 100 Monkeys as a full band.

My how far I've come in a year.

I just went back into my blog from a year ago to see what all I had said about Jackson and my first full 100 Monkeys experience and I actually used the same icon that I did a year ago... without trying. :) Funny, it just seemed so appropriate for today.

I tried (and failed) to meet Jay three times before I was actually successful, which... we all know, waiting for something makes it that much sweeter in the end. November 7, 2009 was a great day. I won't say it was the best day of my life - but at that moment it ranked pretty high on the list. I still hold it amongst the memories I love. It seems so long ago, in a sense... and yet, I at times can't believe that it's only been a year.

I really don't think there's any amount of words that can sum up how much it means to me. I only have a few that really hit it on the head:

Be careful what you wish for...

November 2009, Nashville

January 2010, Tulsa

March 2010, Des Moines

March 2010, STL

April 2010, Nashville

June 2010, Seattle

July 2010, Arizona

October 2010, Baton Rouge

Of course those aren't all the photos that I have with him -- I have to keep some things private and just for myself.

I can't and won't even begin to tell you how far I've/we've come in the last year. I suppose it is unfortunate that a year ago I could say and spill anything I wanted and it didn't matter because no one cared to listen and now, now I keep everything to myself... for many different reasons... but yeah. I don't mind though - it makes all of those moments and memories a hundred times more special.

I will say this, however; I do not take one moment with him (or any of those boys, for that matter) for granted. I appreciate it and them more than I am sure they even know and more than you all could ever comprehend.

I can't believe it's only been a year... another one of these "year" blogs will be coming at the end of the southern tour... so be prepared for that. It's already being written in my head.

Thanks to the four of you who read this. :)

26/26

2010-11-05T18:16:00.000-05:00

"Never dreamt of such sterile hands..."

26 days until my 26th birthday.

I love the countdown to my birthday. I am determined to make this one a good one... from December 1, 2009 all the way up until now... (and time is still passing...) this has been the best year of my life. Hands down. Without a doubt. Actually, I reckon it could have all started back in August 2009. :) December was really just a good kick off.

December 1, 2009 I bought Grape by 100 Monkeys for one of my birthday presents. Later that day I got my first Fender electric guitar. *happiness*

Of course, other than those two things it wasn't a very good birthday at all. I spent it all alone and no one really gave a shit that I was having a birthday. 25 is supposed to be better than that.

For 26 it's definitely going to be something a bit more enjoyable. I'm spending it with a select group of friends. I'm hoping that I get birthday phone calls even though everyone knows I'm not going to answer the phone... and on my actual birthday, the plan is a new tattoo.

Blah, blah, blah.

No one is listening.

xx

Divorce Amongst Friends

2010-11-04T23:59:00.000-05:00

"Faced with the Dodo's conundrum,

I felt like I could just fly,

But nothing happened every time I tried..."

Let's face it - not all friendships last. Unfortunately, friendships are not the same as relationships or marriages. You don't get alimony and there wasn't a prenup.

So usually you are left with nothing.

I feel bad for those with mutual friends, but in my last friendship snafu breakup, I gave the mutual friends to the other person. (I'm generous, what can I say...?)

You know when you file for a divorce you must cite a reason for the split. And both parties must sign the documents acknowledging and understanding what is happening...

The world is full of good people -- they're all good people. There are good people that do bad things, and there are good people that do good things. But there are no bad people. No one was born bad. People just make bad decisions in life.

And you know what? Sometimes if you let those people go... if you let them turn and walk out the door and you don't call back for them? That's the best decision that you can ever make. Because the people that want you to run after them... hold onto them... beg them to stay? Nah. You're not worth their time if they're not even going to try to put you in their life. Let them go. You deserve so much better, little dove.

This message brought to you by scissors. Like... kitchen shears.

Photo of the Day:

This Time Around

2010-10-10T12:38:00.000-05:00

"We'll frolic through the clover and pick dandelions
For each others moms..."

I've seen quite a few people use the wrong Spencer Bell lyric there for a while, so I thought I would put it as my Lyrics-Of-The-Day. The songs is called Dandelions and it's my favorite Spencer song. Very fitting song for today.

Take a listen to it and other Spencer songs over at his Memorial website.

I've been almost avoiding my blog... I didn't really mean to, but at times it's just very hard for me to speak about things - it gives them a sense of finality for me. I do the same thing when I get back from shows -- I always promise that I will blog about the experience, but lets face it... I somehow fall short on that promise.

"Life is a one way dirt road; there's only one way to go..." Spencer was right there. Of course, for right now, my car is pulled over to the side and I'm idling. I don't know why, but I can't seem to make progress.

Let me go back a little bit.

Kentucky didn't work out. It wasn't my doing or even not my wanting it to happen -- but you cannot force something like that upon other people. The long and short of it is that Jennifer and I moved to Tuscaloosa, Alabama.

We have been loving it here. It's quite wonderful. While I don't think that anything can ever feel like home to me -- the traveler in me is just way too deep -- I do feel happy here, and comfortable. It's October and we've still got the AC on! The other day it was 95 degrees at 5p in the evening. This place rocks.

A few have asked me/us if we're going to the Justin Timberlake Shriners Hospitals For Children Open this year... the answer is no. We had "plans" to go to all five years of the tournament and it really does hurt that I can't be there this year. Mainly for one reason: Rachel. This year will be Rachel's 21st birthday and I had promised her that I would be in Vegas to celebrate it with her. I ache that I had to break that promise.

It's just not feasible after moving to Kentucky and having to turn around 10 days later and move again to Alabama. That was an entire month of paychecks missed, work missed, money spent on gas + moving... it really ate up into the plans.

I would say next year - but honestly, I am not in the right place to make any more promises. Especially ones that are an entire year away.

Of course not just Rachel wants me out there this year... I've been getting some threats on an old blog post of mine from someone who apparently wants to either intimidate me or harm me whilst out in Vegas because they're going this year.

Now... in this blog I talked about all the horrible things that had been happening to me and how I believed them to be my karma coming back to bite me in the ass because I don't believe that anyone is above getting what they deserve. I said how I was making positive changes in my life to not try and burn those bridges anymore and I can honestly say over the last year that I have been active in trying to be a better person.

Over the last year I have made efforts to contact those people who I have hurt and apologize -- some I have just left alone because it's better to not pick at a scab, but all of the people that I have contacted have accepted my apology. That doesn't make us friends, now... but it means that we harbor no ill will towards each other and we've moved past it. (As I'm talking please know this list isn't long... *maybe* 7-9 people... and only about 3 haven't been contacted because it would be better to just... not.)

Of course I can only assume that these threats are coming from one of the three people I haven't contacted in the last year... I have however now extended the opportunity for me to apologize to them. If they decide to take it is their choice.

People are mean and cruel. This I know too well. The things that I have done to these people are not horrible unforgiving acts. I have not harmed them physically, I have not done anything to them that was unforgivable. But I have hurt them in some way or another. I am a big enough person to admit this. I am a big enough person to apologize for these things. I have received my karma and my fate from these actions. I have taken the steps to better my life.

I only wish they would do the same.

Threatening people isn't nice. (Of course, I'm not naive enough to believe or think that all people are nice.) But they cannot carry out karma as if it was wrath and make it their own personal vendetta. They are not the universe. They are not a god. They should leave that up to powers that are stronger than they are.

I feel horribly. I feel horrible that someone is still aching about something that was done over one year ago. To think that I could hurt someone that badly makes me feel worse than they could ever know. They are harboring a kind of hate in their heart that can only eat them alive and consume them... that's completely unfortunate and I would never wish that upon anyone. I truly would like to apologize for those actions. The things we do when we are young are silly and immature and often times egged on by peers. I now have better peers. I now am older and wiser and I finally know what I want out of this life.

Swiftly moving on... I will try to end on a high note.

Monkeys released their dates for the southern US tour. I've got them on the books to see them 9x in December. That's a whole lot of Monkey. (and literally every show the boys are playing in December... my god.)

I love my job.

Amidst those is this one that you check out... Green Bay, WI... a PRIVATE show. :)

Also, their New Years Eve bash. It's really quite fitting... I have literally spent this entire year with these boys... I definitely should end it with them... and you know what they say... how you spend your New Years Eve is how you'll spend the next year. So I'm going to be the only place that I would want to be on that evening -- with my boys.

Birthday Wish List

2010-09-22T18:08:00.000-05:00

I haven't made one of these since I was about nine.

When I was nine my birthday wish list went a little differently. This list seems far more practical than I am used to.

People keep asking me what I would like for my birthday, which makes me so, so happy at the thought that I may receive presents! (I love presents so very much... and you will love watching me open them. Swear.)

I am having a massive birthday party this year (sort of keeps with the theme of the past year for me, actually...) and since so many people are having to travel in to be there, I really didn't expect any gifts and I haven't gotten birthday presents in such a long time. Not that I would ever turn away a present...

The link to my birthday party event page, it's open -- RSVP! http://bit.ly/cCzWys

BIRTHDAY WISH LIST:

*Memory cards. (San Disk, preferred.)
*Filters for my lens. Many cool effects out there - you can find them on B & H Photo's website. (They're cheaper than you think...)
*Spencer Bell necklace from 100 Monkeys Sweden. (I'm Lost or There Is No Plan B.)
*Tambourine (Full size.) I will not turn away any musical instrument.
*Egg shakers
*Gift cards: Best Buy, Starbucks, Victoria's Secret, Sephora, Target, iTunes, gas stations/airlines.
*A new tattoo...? :)
*Alcohol: Jack Daniels or a case of beer will earn you a kiss.
*Hats. Size medium/large.
*Anything unique, handmade or personalized... something odd or random that made you think of me. (Antique/old fashioned mirrors, jewelry boxes and things always intrigue me.)
*Makeup. :) I love makeup.
*Anything Batman.

I am probably the easiest person to shop for. :)

--I may randomly add to this list.--

Jodie Platz vs The World

2010-09-18T15:50:00.000-05:00

"If you're from the midwest and
you think you wanna give the world your best shot
don't come to New York,
it makes you poor, it kills your soul,
go to a small town, hold your ground..."

Spencer Bell was right there... hold your ground.

This week I moved from the big city of Kansas City to the tiny, itsy bitsy town of Dawson Springs, Kentucky.

For contrast; Kansas City is the largest city in Missouri with a population of 475,830. Dawson Springs? 2,980.

Where?! I have seen like, four people since I got here!

Another contrast will tell you that the small town that I grew up in, Wamego, Kansas, has a population of 4,246... so... then there's that.

This place is tiny.

The point of this blog is because, if I am being honest here, I am in over my head and am trying to adjust to the culture shock.

While my new "home" is just 8 hours southeast of Kansas City, it's like another world. I was expressing this to my Mama on the phone yesterday and after all that I told her she gave me a few things to think about.

Whereas I have always thought that I have impeccable manners, apparently, my manners don't translate well here in the south. I was raised with the "proper" table manners and I am a stickler on using them. Please, thank you, no thank you, table on the lap, don't take the last of anything, don't chew with your mouth open, don't talk with your mouth full, don't take seconds before anyone else has, etc...

Along with those table manners comes; don't take something that isn't yours without asking.

When in someone's home (which, we stayed with Willow's parents until our place had electricity - for nearly a week) I have never been comfortable. When someone says, "make yourself at home," I find that just the polite thing to say -- that doesn't mean that I will ever just go to your fridge and grab a glass of water or some food. I just can't. So... I have offended many people since I have been in Kentucky because their idea of manners and my idea of manners don't match up.

This brings me to "polite/impolite", "respectful/disrespectful" as my Mama put it.

She made an excellent point. What I may see as polite, someone else is offended by. When I feel like I am being respectful, they're insulted.

Somehow, in those 8 hours from "home" -- everything changed. (I suppose that would be "this side" of the Mississippi... No?)

While I cannot fathom just walking into someone's kitchen and grabbing a drink (I won't even do that in Jennifer's parents house and I have almost known her/them 11 years...) when someone here says, "make yourself at home", they genuinely want you to feel at HOME. Thus, I have offended THEM because of my manners. I do not feel at home, so they feel as if they have failed.

Wow.

My Mama says that I need to change my views and try to fit in... however... when you have been the same way for 25... nearly 26 years... how on earth can you change? I will NEVER feel comfortable just walking into someone else's kitchen...

And... that brings me to...

If someone were in my new home and they got up from my couch and went to get themselves a drink from my fridge or something to eat -- I would be highly offended and I would feel like a terrible hostess... so then there's that!

Suggestions?

Jodie